Riding Through Fire | Kate Sherwood

Jeff can't keep himself from going over to the house.

That's not really true, though. He could stop, if he wanted to. He just really, really doesn't want to. He knows he's being stupid, or maybe something worse than that, but he also knows that he feels good when he's with Evan. Better than good. Better than he's felt in a long time.

There's something about the kid, something sweet and pure, something strong that Jeff can see even through all the flirting and teasing. Jeff's known him since he was in grade school, and that's what makes all of this so… questionable. But Evan is no longer the chubby little boy he was when Jeff first met him. He's a man. A young man, and the son of Jeff's best friend. Damn it! Jeff needs to get a grip on this. Evan's a flirt, and he's got a lot to flirt with, but that doesn't mean that Jeff has to respond, doesn't mean that Jeff has some sort of excuse for acting like a teenager with a damn crush. Nothing's happened, and nothing is going to happen, and if Jeff keeps letting himself get caught up in it all, he's just setting himself up for frustration.

He's already arranged this visit; Alex and Karen are expecting him, and he can't very well call and tell them that he's going to cancel because he's not sure he can trust himself around their sexy son. Their sexy twenty two year-old son. Their sexy twenty two year-old son who smiles at Jeff like they're the only ones who know a fantastic secret, who runs his hands along Jeff's back when they exchange their ritual hugs of greeting, stopping just short of Jeff's ass, but still close enough for the idea to be crystal clear. That son.
So Jeff'll go to dinner, and maybe Evan won't have come home from

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school for the occasion, maybe he won't be there (although Jeff knows damn well that he will be, nudging knees and leaning over Jeff's shoulder and strutting around half-naked by the pool, his golden skin glowing in the sun). Jeff will make it through one more night of temptation, and then he'll just avoid the damn problem. Alex works in the city, and Karen spends a lot of time there too. There's no reason Jeff can't maintain his friendship with them over dinners in restaurants, or barbecues in Jeff's back yard, or any damn thing that doesn't involve their son and his laughing hazel eyes.

Jeff turns the wheel and eases the car onto the driveway. The house is set well back from the road, with some meadows and a little forested area to drive through before the residence is even visible, and he takes the time to collect himself. He's a grown damn man, not some hormonal teenager.

He can tell something's wrong as soon as he pulls up to the house. There are too many cars, including a police cruiser, and there's a small cluster of people loitering out on the porch, looking anxious and awkward. Whatever it is, it's big, and Jeff feels his stomach drop, and then tighten. He doesn't so much park as he just stops driving and turns the ignition off, and then he jerks out of the car, striding towards the house as his eyes fall on Alex's assistant. She's crying, but she sees him coming and steps towards him.

"Sam?" he manages. "What is it?" They both know what he means. Who is it? There's no answer that isn't a tragedy.

Sam takes a deep breath and grabs Jeff's arms at the elbows. He raises his hands and returns the grip; he's not sure if he's supporting her or if he's going to start shaking her if she doesn't talk soon. Her voice is ragged when she speaks. "Alex and Karen. They…they were driving back from the city. There was…." But she's crying too hard to finish. Jeff doesn't think he needs to hear any more, but he guesses he needs to be sure.
He looks over to the others on the porch, and his eyes meet those of

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the police officer. "They're both…." Jeff can't quite say the word.

The cop nods carefully. "I'm sorry. They were airlifted to the city, but there were no vital signs at the scene, and the hospital was unable to resuscitate them."

There are more questions that need to be asked, details that need to be agonized over, but Jeff hasn't got time for that. "Evan? And Tat?" Jesus, Tatiana. Nine years old.

Sam nods towards the door. "They're inside. They needed some time alone, but… I think they'd want to see you."

Jeff isn't sure about that, but he'll give the kids the option, in case they need him. He feels numb, like he's still not quite accepting what's happened, and maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe he'll be able to stay calm, and give the kids what they need, if he can keep from thinking about his own loss, the death of his two best friends, the tragic waste of such vibrant lives.

He knocks gently on the front door and then pushes it open. All of the earlier anticipation he'd felt is gone, and he feels only a cold sense of dread. His pain will be nothing compared to theirs.

There's no sign of anyone, and Jeff isn't sure if he should intrude, isn't sure if he'll be wanted. But he doesn't like the thought of the kids being alone, and he's pretty sure Alex and Karen would have wanted him to at least offer to help. He thinks for a second, then heads for the kitchen. It's a huge room, the work area at one end, a big rustic table at the other, with a wood-burning fireplace on the wall. It's the heart of the home, the site of so many happy memories, and Jeff can imagine the kids seeking comfort there.

He taps his fingers against the door to the kitchen and goes through it, and he sees Evan sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace, his arms wrapped around Tat, rocking them both back and forth. Evan looks up, his face tear-stained and young, so young, and Jeff feels a flush of shame for

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his earlier impure thoughts. But this isn't about him, it's about Evan and Tat; Jeff can beat himself up later. For now, he walks carefully towards them, and Evan's face crumbles a little and then a little more. Poor kid has just lost his parents, and he's been trying to keep it together, trying to stay strong for Tat. So Jeff is needed.

He eases down onto the floor next to them, and Tat notices him for the first time and flings herself at him, her arms wrapping tight around his neck as she sobs into his shoulder. Jeff bends one arm around her, hugs her back, and with the other he reaches out and grips Evan's shoulder. But the Kaminskis are not a reserved family, and Evan doesn't restrain himself, just edges in against the side of Jeff that isn't busy with Tat and wraps his own arms around Jeff, holding on like Jeff's a life buoy in a stormy sea.

They stay like that for a long time, and Jeff's tears flow down to join all the others.

*****

"Tat, no joke, you need to get a move on! I'm not going to keep writing you notes for being late." Evan's voice is tight with annoyance, and Jeff realizes that he's hearing only the latest shots in what seems to be an ongoing battle.

"You're not my father, Evan! You're not the boss of me!" Tat slams her backpack down on the kitchen table, ignoring Jeff. "Tia, I'd like French toast for breakfast, please."

Evan slaps his newspaper down on the table. "You have two minutes to eat and be out the door, Tat. There's no time for French toast. Eat some cereal and take an apple for the car."

"You can't tell me what toRiding Through Fire | Kate Sherwood me. I'm not a

slave!"

"Jesus, Tat, do you hear yourself? A slave? Nobody's a slave." Evan's voice shifts from angry to tired. "You're a spoiled little girl, that's all. Cut the drama and eat something, and let's get going."

Tia comes over with a box of cold cereal and a jug of milk. "I'll make you French toast tomorrow, sweetie."

Tat's crying now. "You're always on his side," she sobs, and she pulls away sharply when Tia tries to wrap a comforting arm around her shoulders. Tia seems unconcerned, and shrugs at Evan before returning to the dishes she'd been loading into the dishwasher.

Jeff's only been in the house for ten minutes, and he's already exhausted. How does Evan do it? But a quick look at the younger man makes it clear that Evan is tired, as well. When he speaks, he's trying to be calm. "Tat, you know the school rules on punctuality. You know what time school starts at. You know how long it takes to drive to school, and you know how long it takes to make French toast. If you want a big breakfast, get up earlier. For today, stop crying, eat the cereal, and let's get going." There's no response, although Tat's tears seem to be stopping.

"Jeff's driving in with us," Evan tries, his voice deliberately cheerful. "He's got some stuff to do at the office, with…." He stops abruptly, and Jeff winces. Probably not a good idea to tell Tat that Jeff's going in because he's the executor of their parents' estate, and he needs to spend the day going over some of the more complicated provisions with the company's lawyers. It's been four months since the accident, and sometimes Tat can talk about her parents fairly calmly, but Jeff's willing to bet that this isn't one of those times. "With the lawyers," Evan finishes. Then he looks at his watch, and at Tatiana's unused cereal bowl. Jeff has no idea where he gets the nerve, but he jumps in. "I doubt

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she'll pass out if she misses breakfast one time. She could take the apple, and maybe something else for a snack?"

Evan doesn't seem to mind the intrusion into his parenting attempts. "Yeah?" He looks to Tia for confirmation, and apparently gets it. "Okay, good. Tat, let's go. Tia's got…damn, she's got a nice collection of fruit going there. Grab something to eat in the car." Evan doesn't wait to see if she's complying. "Jeff, do you want anything? I'm gonna take some of those grapes, I think."

Jeff's far from hungry, but he'll play along. "Yeah, the grapes look good. Or the kiwis, but they'd be a pain to eat on the go…." He's pretty sure Evan will pick up on that, and he's not disappointed.

"Oh, yeah, because you don't eat the skins! Crazy, right, Tat? Poor guy doesn't know that the skins are the best part!" Evan's enthusiasm is a little over the top, but Tatiana seems to be perking up. Evan picks up one of the furry fruits and takes a big bite, chewing the skin with the pulp, and Jeff overplays his disgust, knowing that Tat is watching. He suppresses his smile of victory when she slips off her chair and crosses to the fruit bowl, pulling a kiwi of her own out and taking a big bite.

"Yuck! It must be like eating a caterpillar." Jeff makes a face.

Tat giggles. She's always been mercurial. "A yummy, delicious, fuzzy caterpillar!" She takes another bite, and Evan pops the rest of his kiwi into his mouth and picks up the entire fruit bowl. Tat laughs as she sees what her brother is doing. Her face is still wet from her tears, but apparently this episode, at least, is over.

"We need it all, Tia. I'll bring the bowl back tonight - don't be surprised if it's empty." Tia smiles after them as Evan leads the parade out the door and to the car. "Back seat, Tat," he admonishes when she reaches for the passenger side door. "Jeff's coming, remember?" Jeff is more than willing to surrender shotgun if it keeps Tat from another meltdown, but apparently this time they're going to get off easy. She shifts to the back

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without protest, and Evan raises his eyebrows across the roof of the Cherokee; he seems as surprised as Jeff by the easy escape. Jeff has to admire the boy's tenacity, trying to enforce rules in the face of such emotional reactions. Jeff's pretty sure he would have given in and written the damn note for Tat to get into class late, and he absolutely wouldn't have argued for an age-based seating hierarchy in the car.

Jeff remembers the long conversations he and Evan had struggled through about Tat, and what would be best for her after the accident. There was extended family that could have taken her in, people who were in more stable situations than Evan, but none of them were close, and Tat had said she wanted to stay with her brother. Evan had been overwhelmed with trying to figure out his new responsibilities at the family company, not to mention dealing with his own grief, but he'd felt that his greatest obligation was to his sister, and he'd agreed to assume guardianship. And he'd vowed to Jeff that he'd do his best to continue the job the same way his parents had begun it. Jeff needs to find a time to tell the kid how impressed he is with the way Evan's risen to the challenges that he's faced.

And he should find a way to make sure that Evan's okay, he thinks as he shuts the passenger side door and Evan guides the car out towards the road. All this attention and worry about Tat shouldn't make anyone forget that Evan's had a huge loss, as well, and has turned his life practically upside down.

"You going out much?" Jeff hadn't really planned to ask the question, but now that he has, he's interested in the answer.

""Out? Like, at night?" Evan seems genuinely confused. "Yeah. Partying, or clubbing, or whatever you young folks call it these days."

Evan snorts. "Don't really have a lot of time for that, Jeff. Or energy, either. I've got a couple more important things going on, you know." "Still. You shouldn't … I don't know. You shouldn't have to give up

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your whole life. You can still have fun, right?"

And Jeff really shouldn't have started this in the car, especially not with Tatiana in the back seat, because the look Evan shoots him sends a shock straight to Jeff's groin. "You asking me out, Jeff?" The tone is teasing, but the sexy kind of tease, not the friendly kind.

Jeff sputters. "No!" He resists the urge to spin around in his seat and see how much of this Tat is hearing, but Evan can apparently read his mind, and he has the advantage of the rear view mirror.

"She's got her ear buds in. If you stop yelling, we're fine. Lots of privacy."

There hasn't been any of this, no flirting, nothing suggestive at all since the accident, and Jeff doesn't know what to do with himself. "Okay, well, I was thinking more of volunteering to babysit while you go out with your friends. Your age-appropriate friends.”

Evan snorts again, with more bitterness this time. "Yeah, okay. I'll go out and get totally coked up and whore around all night and sleep all day, and ignore the fact that I've got a nine-year old and a multi-billion dollar company to deal with."

"What, there's no middle ground? You've got to be a monk or a total party-boy?"

The purr is back in Evan's voice. "You tell me, Jeff. Do I have to be a monk, or can you help me out with that?"

"Jesus, kid…" The voice, the look, they're all going straight to their intended target, but Jeff manages to pull himself back. "Evan, I'm sure you can find lots of people who'd be happy to… spend time with you… without having to be a total party whore. I'm not…." He's not what? Not interested? He's pretty sure Evan would see through that lie. "I'm not comfortable with even the idea of anything happening between you and me. It just… it wouldn't be right. For a lot of reasons." He glances behind

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him to be sure that Tat is still out of the conversation. She's oblivious, eating a banana while reading a paperback, bopping her head to the music on her ear buds.

Evan's not as easy to distract. "Like what reasons?" He glances over, and Jeff recognizes the determined look that the kid has started to wear before he goes into business negotiations. "Because of the age difference? Hate to break it to you, man, but I've slept with guys who are older than you. And it was good." Jeff tries not to let his mind dwell on that image, tries to control his jealousy and anger at the thought of some old pervert touching Evan's golden skin. "Or because you were friends with my parents?" Evan glances over. "I talked about it with my dad, you know. Before he died."

"You what?" Jeff can barely breathe.

Evan just grins. "He called me out on it - said I was going over the top, and I should stop teasing you. I said it wasn't teasing if I was willing to go through with it."

"Jesus Christ." Jeff's mind is spinning. "What did he say?"

"He said, 'Jesus Christ.'" Evan's smile is a mix of wicked and sad. "And he had a big swallow of his brandy. And then he asked if anything had happened between you and me, and I said no, but not from lack of trying on my part. And he had another big swallow."

"Jesus, Evan, how…how long ago was this?" Jeff tries to think, tries to remember any change in his friend's attitude towards him. "Oh my God, did he tell your mother?"

"I don't know." Evan shrugs casually. "She was probably the one who tipped him off to the flirting, really. She was generally the one to notice stuff like that." He ignores Jeff's groan of discomfort. "But you know what he told me? After he finished his drink?" Evan's smile is warm, and Jeff takes a moment to be glad that Evan's able to have happy memories of his parents. "He said I shouldn't just fool around with you,

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but if I was serious, I'd never find anyone better. You know, for, like, a relationship."

"What?" That can't be right. Jeff had been younger than Alex, sure, but not that much younger. Not young enough for Alex to have considered Jeff as any sort of suitable partner for his son. Alex had always been fine with Jeff's sexuality, and they'd had some serious talks when it had become apparently that Evan was going to wander at least a little off the 'straight' path, but the talks had been about helping Evan to make the best decisions in the least painful way, not…Jesus. "He didn't say that!"

"Yeah, he did." Evan sounds amused. "He said you'd be good for me. Calm me down. And he said maybe I'd be good for you, keep you from being so serious all the time. But he said you weren't good at casual sex. He said you'd get attached, and it wouldn't be fair for me to just fool around with you, especially considering that we'd still be seeing each other all the time, even if it didn't work out."

That's a lot to digest. It has the ring of truth to it, though. Jeff knows that Alex had been worried that Evan was too flighty, and had been hoping that he'd calm down. And Alex had always teased Jeff about being too serious, and about his propensity for getting too involved with people he'd just met. But still. "He thought… he could see a situation in which you and I would get together casually, and I'd still be seeing you after that? Like, I'd still be welcome in his home?"

"Jeff, man, he was pretty aware of my activities. It's not like I'm a blushing virgin, or something."

"No, I think I'm the one doing the blushing here."

"Yeah. It's kinda hot. Makes me think of other ways to get you all worked up…."

"Okay, no!" Jeff isn't quite sure how to put his objections into words. He needs some time to think. Time without a gorgeous Kaminski giving him seductive looks. "Okay, first off, no more talking about any of this,

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ever, within a…a ten-foot radius of your sister. I don't care if she's wearing a bucket on her head, it's too close."

Evan considers the rule. "Okay, but…why would Tat be wearing a bucket on her head?"

"Evan…"

"Well, it's your rule that says I can't talk about what I really want to talk about, so…let's talk about buckets on my sister's head."

"Let's not talk at all for a while, alright?" Jeff's aware that he sounds a little petulant, and he notices the way Evan's lips twitch in amusement, but no more is said, and Jeff has some time to collect himself.

Of course, they drop Tatiana off at school on their way to Evan's office, so Jeff's safety buffer is lost. She unbuckles her seatbelt and leans forward to give them both pecks on their cheeks before grabbing two more pieces of fruit out of the bowl on the seat beside her and then sliding out the door and into the school yard.

Her door is no sooner closed than Evan turns to Jeff, but Jeff's ready for him. "Rule two. No talking about any of this in front of Tia, or people at your office, or your friends, or anyone else!"

Evan frowns. "Okay, Tia and the office… fine. But my friends—I mean, they don't see me much, but they're going to ask."

"They're going to ask what? How much do they know?"

Now it's Evan's turn to blush a little. He pulls out into traffic, trying to use the driving as a distraction, but Jeff's having none of it, and Evan has to speak. "Well, you know… they know I've had a crush on you since… since I knew what crushes were. They know I decided to make my move, last spring. I guess they don't know that it's kinda been on hold, or whatever."
There's a lot to think about in all of that, but one little detail stands

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out. "Why don't they know you've put it on hold? Evan, kid… you had friends at the funeral, but I didn't really see you talk to them. Are you… you know you're allowed to have friends, right? I mean, you need friends, when you're going through a tough time."

Evan's smile is surprisingly sweet. "I have had a friend, Jeff. I've had you."

Something else to think about. Jeff's thought of Evan as his friends' son, and he's thought of him as forbidden fruit. Has he thought of him as a friend? He's never used the word, he knows, but he thinks back to the time they've been spending together, working through the estate, trying to deal with Tat. It's all been focused on Evan, on what Evan and his sister need, so it probably wouldn't be considered a totally healthy friendship by some people, but Jeff doesn't have to think twice to know that Evan would be there for him in return, if Jeff had a crisis. And they haven't just been working, they've been talking, and laughing, and getting to know each other as adults.

"Yeah, kid, you've absolutely got a friend in me. But you might want others, too."

Evan thinks for a moment. "I guess. I mean, I'll want someone to talk to about my hot new lover, right?"

"Evan…." Jeff tries to make his voice sound like a warning, but he knows a little bit of amusement sneaks through, and he can tell that Evan notices.

"What? Which rule am I breaking? Are we not allowed to talk about it in traffic, or something? 'Cause I reject your 'no friend talking' rule." "You reject it? Since when is that an option?"

"Since I'm not a little kid. You're not the boss of me! What am I, a

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slave?" Evan's imitation is perfect, right down to the little quaver in his voice.

"God save me from melodramatic Kaminskis."

They're pulling into the parking garage at the office, now, and there's a bit of fuss as Evan searches for the parking pass that he seems chronically unable to keep in a normal location. He finally finds it under the seat and uses it to open the gate, then pulls into his reserved spot. He turns off the car, but doesn't open the door, and Jeff waits.

Finally, Evan speaks, his voice falsely casual. "Hey, Jeff?" "Yes?" Jeff braces himself for whatever's coming.

"I've got reservations for Friday night, for that new place we were talking about. Andre's. They're supposed to have a kick-ass wine cellar? I mean, I don't know how you can call yourself a wine snob if you haven't checked out their cellar."

Jeff keeps his voice mild. "I don't actually call myself a wine snob…"

"Well, good, you shouldn't. Not until you've checked out the cellar at Andre's."

Jeff knows where this is going, but he's not sure he should let it get there. There's a deep, fundamental part of him that wants to jump right past this stage, wants to just grab hold of Evan and drag him somewhere away from prying eyes and see if the real thing lives up to all the teasing. And there's another part that's recoiling from even the thought of touching the young son of a dead friend. A casual date isn't really going to satisfy either of those urges.

Evan has paused as if doing his own weighing of the options, but his decision is clear when he blurts out, "So, do you want to go to dinner with me on Friday?"
And there it is. Jeff needs to think about this. He needs to figure

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things out, and calm things down. He needs… "Yes," he says, and he doesn't know why he said it or what the hell he thinks he's doing, but when Evan's nervous face bends into a wide grin, Jeff smiles right back.

*****

Jeff tries to get out of the date three times. Evan shoots him down every time, refusing to hear him, refusing to accept any of Jeff's waffling or excuses. Most of the time, Jeff's glad.

And the evening goes well. The restaurant is fantastic, with a wine list that is worth the trip in itself, and Jeff feels good about being able to make Evan smile, and laugh, and relax and enjoy himself. Like a twentytwo year-old should, a part of Jeff's brain tells him snidely. Like anyone should, another part responds, and Jeff decides to listen to that part, at least for the night.

But dessert has been eaten, and the bill has been paid (by Evan, although Jeff offered to split it), and they're driving towards Jeff's place, and Jeff can't remember ever having been this nervous. It's totally not like him— for all Alex might have teased him about getting attached, he doesn't usually get neurotic. He's learned that he can feel whatever he feels, and he'll get over it if the other person doesn't feel the same way, and everything will work out the way it should, in the end.

This is the first time in a long time that Jeff feels like everything might not work out the way it should. He feels like if he messes this up, he'll be losing something valuable, forever. He's just not sure if he's worried about losing Evan, or about losing his own self-respect.

Evan notices that he's gotten quiet. "You okay over there?" "Yeah, I'm fine. You okay over there?"

Evan nods. "Yup. I was just wondering, though - when we get to

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your place, are you going to invite me in?"

Jeff snorts a laugh. He appreciates the kid's honesty. "I was just wondering that myself."

"I don't think you should. You know, in case you wanted my advice."

"You don't… what? Wait. You mean you don't want to come in?" "No, I want to come in. I want it a lot. But I don't think you should invite me."

Jeff takes a moment to think, but it still makes no sense. "What are you talking about? If you want to come in, why don't you want me to invite you in?"

"I do want to come in, and I do want you to invite me in. I'm just saying… you know, as a friend. Looking at it from your perspective. You're still not sure about this. You've got it built up into some big ethical situation, and you're not going to be happy with yourself if you go through with it. So… you shouldn't invite me in."

"That's - an interesting approach, actually." Jeff tries to return the favor, tries to put himself in Evan's shoes, but he can't. He can't understand why Evan would have any interest in pursuing things with Jeff, no reasons that don't involve some form of mental instability on Evan's part, or a predatory evilness on Jeff's part. He tried to think back to his own younger days. His first experiences had all been with women, and his first time with a guy had been totally unsatisfying, so bad that he'd ignored his urges towards men for several more years. But then when he had met the right guy… and that guy had been older, more experienced… it had been a revelation.

But that doesn't work for this situation. Evan's made it crystal clear that he's had lots of experience. There's no need for Jeff to be any sort of mentor— hell, from the sound of things, maybe Evan should be the one

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doing the teaching. And maybe that makes it okay, makes it clear that Evan isn't some innocent victim in all this. But it still doesn't feel right. Evan may have slept around a lot, may have had a lot of physical experiences, but that doesn't mean that he's all that emotionally mature. Of course, Jeff hadn't been very wise either, when he'd had his older lover, and it's still definitely a positive memory for him. Jeff wonders for the first time how Rich, the older man, thinks about their time together, or if he thinks about it at all.

"You're right," Jeff decides. "I shouldn't. It was fun tonight, and, you know, it's good to see you out and enjoying yourself. But anything else—I still really…."

"Yeah, okay," Evan cuts in. "I'm just a kid, I know."

Jeff frowns. "No. No, Evan, you're not. Yeah, you're young, and that's… it's a problem, for me. But I've been around over the last months, and I've seen how you've stepped up. It's not… you're not a kid. You're a man. I get that."

There's silence, and then Evan laughs, low and unhappy. "So it's not the age thing. You just aren't into it. Jesus, Jeff, I know I come on strong, but you could have just told me that, saved us the trouble."

"What? No, Evan, it's not…." Jeff catches himself. Evan's old enough to raise a child and run a company, old enough to have made the decision to change his entire life in order to live up to his responsibilities. So it's insulting to think that he's not old enough to decide who he wants in his bed. And Evan's wrong— Jeff is absolutely into it. So what exactly is his problem? Is he just afraid? And is it fair for his fear to interfere with Evan's ability to take a step back towards his normal life? He takes a deep breath. "Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Uh— when we get to my place? I'd like it if you'd come inside."

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*****

Jeff's used to Evan being flirty and confident. He doesn't know what to make of the nervous, distracted Evan he sees as soon as they're inside the door of Jeff's house. And he doesn't know exactly what to do to make it better. Alcohol's always useful…

"Want a beer?" He tries to keep his own voice casual, as if this is just another one of the many times that Evan has been in Jeff's house. "Or a glass of wine?" Evan jerks around as if he's been caught in some embarrassing situation, moving so quickly that he almost runs into the wall he'd been leaning against. "Or, Jesus, maybe a sedative of some sort? I don't know what I can offer in that area…"

Evan giggles, sounding like a little kid. It's enough to make Jeff reconsider this whole thing. Even if Evan doesn't need a drink, Jeff's pretty sure he does. He needs to buy some time, see if his strange, impulsive decisions with this kid are going to get him into a little trouble, or a lot.

"Sure, yeah, a beer," Evan manages, and Jeff leads the way to the kitchen and fishes two bottles out of the fridge, twisting the lids off before handing one to Evan.

"Want to go sit in the living room?"

"Not the bedroom?" And seductive Evan is back, but this time Jeff has no trouble seeing through the mask. So, no, not the bedroom. Not yet, and maybe not at all. But saying that straight out doesn't seem like a good way to relax the kid.

"Why don't we slow things down a little. And you were telling me about Tat's counselor - it sounds like he's pleased with her progress?" Nothing like talking about a guy's baby sister to get his mind off sex.

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It takes Evan a couple of seconds to reorient himself. "Uh, yeah. He said she's still dealing with stuff, obviously, but she's making good progress. And he agreed with you, that it's not the end of the world to cut her a little slack when she's obviously upset, but he agreed with me that she needs stability, and so the more rules we can stick to, from before, the better."

Sounds good, then." Jeff sinks down onto his leather couch and tries to look casual. Evan's eyes cut from the couch to the armchair and back. Apparently the sister talk wasn't quite enough to totally redirect his attention. Jeff isn't quite sure what he's doing, but he's always been a fan of clear communication. "Look, Evan…we don't have to do anything, here."

Evan shakes his head emphatically. "Oh, no, you don't. Don't weasel out on me!"

"I'm not weaseling out." Jeff doesn't know whether to laugh or to grit his teeth in frustration. "But if this is one of those things…you know, it looks good when you think it's never going to happen, but the closer it gets, the worse it looks… I understand that. You're… there's no stage where it's too late to say 'no,' here."

Evan looks surprised, and then smiles, and he's looking much calmer now. "No, that's not what's happening." He lowers himself onto the couch, close to Jeff, but not right on top of him. A good distance for talking. "I know it isn't, 'cause…I gotta tell you, Jeff - there's never been a doubt in my mind about this happening."

"What?"

"I'm serious. I've…I told you I've had a crush on you forever. And you know how determined I can be. I've pretty much always known…okay, you'd say 'believed,' maybe, but for me, it's 'known'…I've known that we were going to get together. It would be…." Evan looks up at the ceiling as if searching for the words. "It would be a cosmic injustice for me to have spent all this time wanting you, and then not get to have

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you."

"Jesus, kid, as long as there's no pressure. I mean…you know there's no way I can possibly live up to that sort of buildup, right?"

"I'm not worried about that at all."

"Okay, so - what are you worried about? Don't even try to tell me you're not nervous."

Evan blushes as he shakes his head. His bangs fall in his eyes and Jeff has to keep himself from reaching out and brushing them back. "I'm just - you know, I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to come on too strong, or not strong enough. You know. I want this to be… I want it to be good, and I want it to be more than just one time. So, yeah. I'm just nervous about whether I can make you want that too."

"Evan, Jesus." Jeff lets himself do it, then, leaning forward and running his hand gently through Evan's bangs, then back over his head and down his jaw. Evan's pliant, but tense, practically quivering underneath Jeff's fingers. Jeff's surprised by how much that turns him on. "I really don't think that's going to be a problem."

"No?" Evan's an interesting mix, now, half-seductive, half-tentative, and wholly irresistible. Jeff decides to ignore the voice in his head that's screaming for a more cautious approach. He leans forward, slow but sure, his hand gently holding Evan's head still.

Their lips brush, barely a real kiss, just a suggestion of what's to come, and Evan leans after Jeff when he pulls away. He groans in frustration when Jeff's hand catches his hair and keeps him from following, but he doesn't fight the restraint. Jeff was on the other end of this dynamic, the time when he was the over-eager youngster, but he has a pretty good idea of what to do. What he wants to do.
"Okay, kid, if you're sure. But remember, you can back off at any

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time. Just say the word."

Evan takes a long, slow pull from his bottle, his eyes never leaving Jeff's. "I'm not going to back off, Jeff."

And Jeff believes him. "Okay, then." He can feel the grin working its way to his face, and he doesn't try to hold it back. "Let's see what you've got, hot stuff."

There's a moment of stillness, and then Evan launches himself along the length of the couch. Jeff's pushed back into the leather arm, twisted at an awkward angle, with Evan as close to horizontal as he can get, his torso pressed up against Jeff's, his legs sprawled out along the couch behind him. And his mouth… his mouth is everywhere. Jeff's lips, then his throat, then down onto his chest, Evan's fingers fighting with the buttons of Jeff's shirt, seeking more skin.

Jeff lets it continue for a while, and he can't say he's not enjoying it, and lord knows his body is responding, but it's not quite what he wants, and not what he thinks Evan needs. When Evan's attentions start getting dangerously close to Jeff's belt, he brings his hand back to Evan's hair and pulls back, and this time there is some resistance, but Jeff perseveres. Once he sees Evan's face, pupils dilated, lips wet and swollen, he almost loses his resolve. Damn, the boy is beautiful. "Okay, kid, ease off for a second."

Evan groans dramatically, but after a moment's thought he lifts his body up and off of Jeff's, although he just supports himself with his arms, hovering there, clearly ready to resume his assault as soon as he's permitted. Jeff smiles gently. "Let's slow it down a little. Make it last a while."
Evan frowns, but doesn't argue, so Jeff continues. "How about I

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drive? You know, since you have such huge expectations for the whole thing— I want to be sure I contribute a little, at least."

"Dude, you're contributing a lot…." Evan pulls forward, but Jeff keeps his hand firm. Evan seems to consider his negotiating options. "Maybe we could go fast now, and then slower for the later rounds?"

Jeff has to think about that. He's quite a bit older; he knows he's got a few 'rounds' in him, but probably not as many as Evan. "I'll think about that. But in the meantime, my back's about to crack in two from getting shoved up against the sofa."

Evan is on his feet instantly, apologetic and solicitous, and Jeff feels a bit bad for having exaggerated his discomfort. There was nothing about his back that he couldn't have worked through on his own. He shifts around and stands up himself, Evan's hands instantly on him, first running over his back in a quick, totally useless massage, but quickly shifting back around to Jeff's belt buckle. If Jeff's going to stick to his plan, he needs to take charge, now.

"Okay, kid, those hands are the first thing we're going to have to get under control." He steps out of Evan's embrace and smiles to show that it's not a rejection. "I think it's bedroom time now." Jeff has to force himself to turn nonchalantly and walk down the hall, but he thinks he carries it off, and he can hear Evan right behind him.

They make it through the doorway and Jeff makes himself keep going, in order to not leave any lull in the action for Evan to start trying to take over again. "Shoes and socks off, then you on the bed, sitting against the headboard.”

Evan's bending over to take his shoes off even as he asks, "Just shoes and socks? I've got a lot of other clothes that could…"

"Just shoes and socks," Jeff says firmly. "For now."

Evan doesn't argue, and Jeff has to take a deep breath to calm

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himself down. He had no idea that this would be so exciting. Being the one in charge, exerting his will without the careful negotiations he normally finds himself caught up in - it's intoxicating. And now that he's committed to it all, he finds that all the things that made Evan forbidden fruit just add a dash of exotic spice to the proceedings. Jeff's going to have to find some time to think about all this, at some point, but for now, he's content to let himself get lost.

Jeff toes his own shoes and socks off as Evan climbs onto the bed. When Jeff's attention returns to the bed, the image of Evan, back straight, legs sprawled on the sheets, impressive erection clearly visible beneath the soft fabric of Evan's dress pants— Jeff's hand moves to his own cock without thought, rubbing firmly through the cotton. "Damn, kid." Jeff crawls up onto the bed himself, but when Evan leans towards him, Jeff leans back. "You behave, now," he admonishes, and he knows that Evan won't know exactly what that means, won't have a clear idea about the rules that he's supposed to be following, not yet, but the kid's smart— he'll get the general idea.

And, indeed, Evan leans back against the headboard, waiting obediently for Jeff. Jeff rewards him by reaching forward and undoing the buttons on his shirt. He takes his time, lets his fingers explore a little as he goes, and he's glad that Evan hadn't worn an undershirt— it's nice to get a little skin-on-skin contact. He restrains himself, though, making sure he doesn't get carried away. It wouldn't be fair to have slowed Evan down just so Jeff could go crazy, instead.

When the shirt is unbuttoned, Evan leans forward as if giving Jeff space to take the garment right off. Jeff has a better idea, though, and he leaves Evan's arms in the sleeves and bunches up the back of the shirt, lifting it up and over one of the wrought iron curlicues on the head board. Evan isn't really restrained; he wouldn't have any trouble getting loose if he tried, but he doesn't try. He just watches Jeff, his eyes dark and excited. That's the first test passed, then, and Jeff finds himself breathing a

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little easier. It would have been a bit messy, a bit awkward, if Evan had rebelled. Newly confident, Jeff takes his time to explore Evan's torso, using his hands and mouth, rubbing his stubbled cheek against the smooth skin of Evan's stomach. Evan doesn't complain, doesn't try to free himself from the makeshift restraint, but eventually he starts squirming, pushing his chest up, trying to catch Jeff's mouth with his own, doing whatever he can to escalate the situation. Jeff doesn't give in; he's enjoying this part.

"All in good time, kid." Jeff's lost track of the number of people who've told him that his voice is sexy, a low, gravelly rumble when he's turned on, and normally he thinks they're crazy, but Evan responds to the words with a little gasp and even more writhing, so Jeff's willing to take advantage of the situation. "You're doing great, kid. So beautiful, so hot. You even taste good…." And maybe that last part's a little strange, but Evan doesn't object, just stretches his face up for a kiss. It's not a demand, just a suggestion, or even a request, so Jeff gives him what they both want.

The kiss deepens, and Jeff shifts up so he's straddling Evan, getting a better angle. The new position brings their cocks together, and Jeff can feel Evan's whole body quiver as he groans and pushes up, trying desperately to find more contact. "You're right on the edge, aren't you?" Jeff lets his voice be as husky as it wants to be. "It almost hurts, doesn't it, needing to come that bad?" Evan's eyes can't lie, and his mouth doesn't even try. Jeff grins in triumph. "Who's the tease now, kid?"

"Jesus, Jeff, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have teased, that was bad, I'm sorry, just, please, Jeff…."

Jeff cuts him off with a short, hard kiss. "No, don't be sorry. You should have teased, and I should be teasing, and it won't kill you to slow things down a little."
"Jesus, Jeff, I think it might!" There's a hint of laughter in Evan's

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voice, but there's desperation, too, and Jeff takes pity. He can work on the kid's discipline some other time.

Jeff eases back a little, and he can tell from the desperation on Evan's face that the kid thinks he's leaving altogether, but he's really just trying to get a bit more room to work. When his hands fall to the button of Evan's pants, Evan's hips shoot up in anticipation, so hard that Jeff is almost bucked off his perch on the kid's legs. "Take it easy, now," he admonishes, and once Evan has stilled Jeff undoes the button and then the fly, and eases his hands around towards the back. Evan lifts his hips willingly, but this time he's just helping Jeff to pull the pants down. Jeff doesn't bother to take them right off; he doesn't need to for what he's got in mind.

Jeff sits just above Evan's knees and takes a moment to appreciate the view. His sheets are dark red, and Evan's golden skin makes a jeweltoned image against them, the shadows around his muscles enhancing the richness of the image. Jeff's suddenly tempted to paint the picture, even though he gave all that up when he left school and had to get a real job. With subject matter like this, maybe he could find time for a hobby.

Evan's black underwear doesn't really interfere with the image, but the shape of it does call Jeff's mind back to the task at hand. "Okay, kid, we'll take the edge off." He has a flash of self-consciousness when he realizes that maybe he's planning a longer night than Evan had been expecting, maybe longer than Evan had wanted, but he remembers how desperate Evan had been in the living room and feels confident that the kid will want to stick around for a while, at least.

He slides up for a quick kiss, and for the first time Evan doesn't respond as if Jeff's mouth is the center of the universe - he seems a little distracted. "Want my mouth somewhere else, Evan?" Jeff teases. Evan just groans in frustration, and Jeff takes pity on him, sliding his lips down over the strong muscles of Evan's neck and chest, down along the sharp definition of his abdomen, all the way to the waistband of Evan's boxers. He stays there for a while, nipping and licking along the exposed skin,

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using his mouth and chin to edge the elastic down slowly, so slowly, while at the same time he brings his hands up under the legs of the underwear, doing their own teasing, hard massaging mixed with gentle circles, working closer to the center and then fading away before coming back for more.

"Jesus, Jeff, come on!" Evan's begging now, his voice high and needy, and it goes straight to Jeff's cock. He'd been planning on teasing Evan, but he hadn't realized how exciting he would find it himself.

By the time Jeff's hands are up to the waistband, his mouth has pushed it down to well below the start of Evan's pubic hair, and the band itself is putting pressure on Evan's cock, the only direct contact it's gotten for quite a while. Evan seems desperate enough to take any release he can get, but Jeff doesn't want to be denied the privilege of getting the kid off himself, so the underwear has to go.

Evan is eager to help, lifting his hips so fast and so high that his swollen dick hits Jeff in the face, damn close to his eye. Evan looks apologetic, but he's also laughing, so Jeff gives him a dirty look. But now that they're so close, there's no way Jeff's going back a step, so he lifts the waistband up and over and eases the underwear down Evan's thighs.

Jeff's first view of Evan's cock doesn't disappoint. The kid is big all over, and he's beautiful all over too. The newly rediscovered artist in Jeff wouldn't mind taking a while just to enjoy the view, the dark, tight skin, the graceful ridge around the head; even the thick vein along the bottom seems beautiful, somehow, running straight and true. But Jeff isn't all artist, there's a man in there too, and it's that part of him that wants to touch.

He starts with a gentle kiss to the head, savoring the taste of the precome and the sound of Evan's moan. He has to fight to keep his cool, but he manages it, and he spends the next several minutes teasing Evan's cock the way he'd already teased the rest of him, quick kisses, long, slow,

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light sweeps with his tongue, his hands running wherever they can reach, spending quite a bit of time with Evan's balls, softly pulling and kneading, rubbing with his fingernails, anything that feels right.

He can tell when Evan's right on the edge, and it's only then that he closes his lips around the head and pushes down as far as he can manage, using his hand to make up the difference, and now he's intense, now it's real, and with only a few bobs of his head, Evan is coming, great, creamy gobs straight down Jeff's throat. The kid's almost shouting as he comes, just sounds, no words, and it's the sweetest thing Jeff's heard in a long time.

He works through the orgasm, and then kisses his way up Evan's body to his mouth. Evan's relaxed now, finally, and the kiss is slow and sweet, the kind of kiss that can last all the way through a rainy afternoon. But it's nightime, and the skies are clear, and Evan has other ideas. "Your turn now?" He suggests hopefully. "You could fuck me, if you want…."

"Oh, I absolutely want, Evan. But not quite yet."

Evan looks like he's going to argue, but he catches himself, and nods. "Okay. You're driving."

"Jesus, kid, you have any idea how much I like hearing you say that?"

"Got yourself a little kink, there, Stevens?" Evan looks delighted.

"Maybe a little one, yeah." And if he wants to keep satisfying the kink, he needs to keep moving, stay in charge. So he leans forward and eases the shirt off the bed board, then smooths the sleeves down over Evan's muscular arms. The kid is free, but he stays still on the bed, waiting for instructions. "We're going to go take a shower, okay?"

Evan nods obediently, but glances down at the tent in Jeff's pants. "You're sure you don't want me to return the favor, first?"

Jeff shakes his head. He figures he can come three or four times in a

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night. He's going to save the first one for as long as he can. Evan, on the other hand, is twenty-two, and Jeff plans to milk him dry.

Jeff leads the way to the en suite bathroom and carefully adjusts the shower temperature before nodding Evan into the tub. Jeff takes a moment to grab a clean washcloth and some soap, and then he reaches into the side drawer and pulls out a condom and a bottle of lube.

Evan's eyes see the later additions and flare with interest, but he keeps his mouth shut, just stand under the stream of water and lets it wash down over his face. He's already half-hard again, and Jeff is happy about his decision to hold off on his own orgasm. Although he's not sure how much longer he'll be able to last if Evan keeps watching him like that.

He feels stupidly self-conscious as he pulls off the shirt that Evan had unbuttoned in the living room, and then undoes his belt and pants and lets them drop. Underwear still to go, and Jeff feels like a dolt. He's got nothing to be ashamed of, he knows— he's kept himself fit, and he's never gotten any complaints about his cock. He just feels like a stripper, with Evan watching him so intently. Still, he wants to be naked around this guy at some point, so he might as well get it over with, and so he hooks his thumbs in the waistband of his underwear and eases them over his erection before dropping them to the floor. He's trying for a nonchalance that he definitely doesn't feel, and he forces himself to take his time as he crosses the floor and steps carefully into the tub.

Evan's hands come up to grip and steady him, and Jeff doesn't really need the support but he appreciates the contact, anyway. But then he remembers that he's supposed to be in charge, and he gently runs his hands up over Evan's chest before easing him backwards until he's leaning against the wall. They just stay like that for a bit, Jeff pressed up against Evan, kissing and exploring, and Jeff's glad that he spent the extra money for hot water on demand, because he's going to want to stay like this for quite a while.
Evan's fully hard again by the time Jeff picks up the soap and

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washcloth and makes a good lather, and then starts running it all over Evan's body. He hits all the important spots, but towards the end he definitely focuses on Evan's ass, and the kid notices. "Should I turn around?" he whispers, and Jeff nods.

"Yeah, I think so."

Evan turns, bracing his hands on the wall and reaching his ass out, and it's obvious what he's expecting, but Jeff's not quite there yet. Instead, he drops to his knees and uses his hands to gently part Evan's ass cheeks before bringing his head forward, stretching his tongue out to touch Evan's puckered hole. Evan jerks in surprise, obviously having expected something else, and Jeff pauses for the kid to regain his balance before he returns to his ministrations. He sucks, licks, even nips a little, and Evan responds beautifully, writhing and moaning as if it's the best thing he's ever felt. Jeff has to push down firmly on his own cock to keep from wasting his orgasm before he even makes it inside.

Once he's got himself back under control, Jeff finds the lube and adds his fingers to the mix, stretching Evan out, but also stealing forward to cup his balls, stroke his cock, anything to get the kid ready to come, because Jeff is pretty sure that he's not going to last long enough to fuck the kid to orgasm without a serious head start.

Evan's gasps become increasingly desperate, and when Jeff thinks the kid is just about on the edge, he reaches back for the condom, rolls it on himself and gives one last, deep kiss to Evan's ass. Evan's hips start rocking as soon as Jeff's face is out of the danger zone, and once Jeff lines himself up, Evan's pushing back, trying to get things moving. Trying to take charge, Jeff decides, and he pulls back enough to have room for a single slap to Evan's ass. It isn't anything near full strength, probably didn't even sting, let alone hurt, but it gets the message across and Evan's hips still. He turns to look over his shoulder at Jeff, and he doesn't look hurt, just a bit surprised. "Okay, yeah, you're driving. Sorry. Any chance you

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could drive a little faster?"

Jeff locks his eyes with Evan's and reaches up one hand to tangle the kid's hair in order to keep him from turning away, and then he pushes in, hard and fast and deep, bottoms out and keeps pushing a little, and Evan's face transitions through so many expressions so quickly that Jeff can't keep track of them all. They're all hot, he knows that, and he keeps Evan's head turned as he pulls out and drives in hard again, and again, and Evan's making a high, breathy grunt with each stroke and it sounds perfect, looks perfect, feels perfect, and damn it, Evan needs to come soon, because Jeff wants to feel that happening from the inside, and Jeff really isn't going to last much longer.

He brings his free hand around to Evan's cock and grips it tight, stroking hard and in time with his own thrusts, and Evan's grunts get longer, start blurring together, and Jeff can see the kid's fingers claw and curl into the tile of the shower stall as his ass tightens around Jeff's cock, and then they're both coming together, and Jeff tries to keep up with his hands and his hips but he knows he loses the rhythm, and he doesn't really care.

He stays inside Evan for a few moments after his orgasm fades, and he really hates the condom, not because it affects the sensation, but because he loves the idea of leaving something behind, a part of himself still inside Evan. But reality intrudes, and Jeff eases himself out and pulls the condom off, although he doesn't release his hold on Evan's hair. He tosses the condom into the wastepaper basket just outside the shower, and then turns Evan around, only releasing his grip on Evan's hair when they're in a position that Jeff likes.

He leans in for another slow, wet kiss, and then pulls back far enough to see Evan grin back at him when he smiles. "You good?" Jeff asks.
Evan stretches languorously. "I'm great. Sore in all the right places."

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"Sore?" Jeff doesn't like the sound of that. "Are you okay?"

Evan just nods. "I'm perfect. Seriously." His grin turns mischievous. "Are you still driving, or am I allowed to suggest that we get dried off and sleep for a while, and then do all of that again?"

"No, kid, I'm still driving. But you're riding shotgun, so you're the navigator, and those sound like pretty good directions to me."

So Jeff gets out of the tub and finds his warmest, fluffiest towels to wrap Evan in, and then dries himself off with what's left over, and they go back into the bedroom and climb into Jeff's bed, and Jeff lies on his back and Evan lies on his front, snuggled up against Jeff's side and using his arm as a pillow, and it's perfect. Jeff has no idea how he's going to feel about all this in the morning, but for the time being, he's completely content.

*****

Jeff's got breakfast figured out and mostly ready by the time Evan stumbles into the kitchen, and it's hard to act nonchalant about the situation while he's wondering whether Evan's going to want to settle in or if he's looking for a fast escape from his one night stand. Evan's fully dressed in clothes from the night before, but he hasn't tucked his shirt in— an ambiguous message, for sure. Still, Jeff drove when it was fun, so he guesses it's his job to drive over the rough parts, too. "I've got juice and coffee, if you just want something to drink, but I was thinking we could have bagel BLTs, if you've got time to stay for breakfast."

"Bacon? I'm in." Evan's smile is easy, and Jeff relaxes a little. Evan's closer now, and Jeff decides to go for it, leaning in for the kiss. Evan meets him half-way, and it's starting to feel familiar, now, Evan's initial rush, combined with his willingness to follow Jeff's lead and gentle the

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kiss, making it more of a 'hello,' less of a 'let's get back to bed immediately.' Still, it lasts a while, and Jeff has to force himself to pull away. They should at least eat something, in order to keep their strength up.

"Tia's with Tat until what time?"

Evan shrugs. "She wasn't too worried about it - she's got stuff to do this afternoon, but Tat's got a birthday party to go to at 1:30, and Tia said she could drop her off there."

"That woman is a saint."

"I know." Evan's smile turns a little wicked. "After last night, I think she deserves a serious raise."

"Oh, she's the one who deserves a raise, is she? I get no credit?"

They're still standing close, and when Evan leans in, Jeff lets the kiss get as hard as Evan wants. When they finally pull apart, Jeff can feel Evan's erection rubbing against his own. "You get plenty of credit, Jeff."

Jeff really wants to blow off breakfast and head back to the bedroom, but he's beginning to get a warm, comfortable feeling about all of this— he's beginning to feel that there's potential for something long term, here, for endless mornings like this, making out and then eating and then making out some more before heading back to the bedroom. It could be… it could be something great, he thinks. And there he goes again, doing the same thing Alex always bugged him about, getting too serious too fast. But he can't help himself, and he doesn't really want to.

"Breakfast first. And then we'll make the most of your babysitter's time." Evan smiles in agreement and follows Jeff over to the counter, and they make breakfast together.

Riding Through Fire | Kate Sherwood

Kate started writing at about the same time she got back on a horse after a twenty-year break. She’d like to think that she’s far too young for it to be a mid-life crisis, but apparently she was ready for a few changes!

Kate’s writing focuses on characters and relationships, people trying to find out how much of themselves they need to keep, and how much they can afford to give away. She tries to find that careful balance between drama and humor – she wants readers to have an intense experience and feel drawn into the book, but she also wants them to enjoy the time they spend reading.

Kate started writing in the m/m area of Romance, and she’s spent some serious time trying to figure out why that is… if you’re interested, her reflections on why m/m fiction appeals to one straight woman can be found at her blog (http://kate-sherwood.dreamwidth.org/). Kate definitely plans to continue writing in both sub-genres, and is drawn to YA, as well. And maybe some women’s fiction. And urban fantasy. Possibly sci fi. Thriller? The possibilities are endless!