Text copyright ©2017 by the Author.

This work was made possible by a special license through the Kindle Worlds publishing program and has not necessarily been reviewed by Robyn Peterman. All characters, scenes, events, plots and related elements appearing in the original Magic and Mayhem remain the exclusive copyrighted and/or trademarked property of Robyn Peterman, or their affiliates or licensors.

For more information on Kindle Worlds: http://www.amazon.com/kindleworlds

My Peculiar Road Trip

Peculiar Mysteries (In Between)

A Magic & Mayhem Kindle World Novella

By Renee George

Acknowledgments

A special THANK YOU to the fabulous Robyn Peterman, an awesomely funny writer and my favorite cookie, for allowing me the privilege to write in her world. I love your guts, woman!! You make me want to live in Magic & Mayhem! And because of you, my Peculiar chicks got to live there for a while. I loved every single thing about this adventure, but I think Sunny hopes to never hear the name Assjacket ever again. *smile*

Also, I must thank the usual suspects, my BFF sister and most fabulous beta reader Robbin, and my lovely and wicked accurate niece Jeanna (who seriously knows my characters better than I do). You guys are superheroes!

For Michele Bardsley, Jesus, darling, we know how to live on the edge. I love you to bits and pieces.

To my Rebels, you all RAWK!

To my fans, I would not be anything without you. Seriously. If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing!

Oh! And, as always, black coffee. You are the life blood of this middle-aged writer.

Table of Contents

A Special Note from Renee

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Want more Peculiar?

CHECK OUT ALL THE AUTHORS IN THE MAGIC AND MAYHEM WORLD!!

About the Author

A Special Note from Renee

This is a cross-over story between my Peculiar Mysteries and Robyn Peterman’s Magic & Mayhem world. There is a reason the town name isn’t mentioned specifically in the book. While I own my characters in the Kindle Worlds, I can’t own the towns, so my fictional town is never named so that it will stay mine. On that note, I hope you laugh yourself silly with some of the pee-your-pants antics in this story!

Blurb

Sometimes you ride the road to adventure and sometimes the road rides you, which is exactly how I’d felt as I sat up and picked ditch gravel from my elbow and tall grass from my hair. All I’d wanted was a girls’ weekend away from home, a sort of double bachelorette party for two of my friends who were both getting married soon. No guys, no kids, no restaurant.

But right now, as I cataloged the bumps and bruises, I only knew two things for certain: First, we were no longer in Reno, and second, Hell had a new name--Assjacket.

****

When human psychic Sunny Trimmel and her three best friends decide to go on a weekend getaway, they get away all right— into an alternate reality where cats talk, her Shifter friends are stuck in their animal forms, and they’re dumped into a rural hell known as Assjacket, West Virginia.

Thanks to a vengeful witch’s magic gone wrong, the girls are sucked into one of the most peculiar adventures they’ve ever had. People and landmarks are disappearing all over town. Sunny will have to rely on her faulty psychic visions, her friends, and the crazy townsfolk to solve the mystery—or they might never find their way home.

Suck it, Dorothy. Tornadoes have nothing on this twister of a tale.

Chapter One

Somewhere I’m not supposed to be...

SOMETIME YOU RIDE the road to adventure and sometimes the road rides you, which is exactly how I felt as I sat up and picked ditch gravel from my elbow and tall grass from my hair. All I’d wanted was a girls’ weekend away from home, a sort of double bachelorette party for two of my friends who were both getting married soon. No guys, no kids, no restaurant. Co-owning a vegetarian restaurant in an all therianthrope town was no easy task.

Take getting paid, for instance. I’d gotten a check, finally, from the Tri-State Council, the head-mucky-mucks of therianthropes in Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas, for the food we’d provided at last year’s Jubilee. Frankly, after the whole kidnapping-slash-serial killer debacle, I’d written off the idea of getting compensation.

Anyhow, Chavvah, my best friend who was also my husband’s sister, was getting married. And her honey, let me tell you, is a hunka-hunka-sweet ass man. Imagine Jason Mamoa with silver hair and silver eyes. In other words, fine. Very, very fine. My own guy, Babe, is not too shabby either, but this isn’t about me. It’s about Chav. I used the money to book a weekend in Reno for me, Chav, and two other friends, Ruth Thompson and Willy Boden. Since Willy was getting married as well, at the time, it seemed like a win-win foursome.

But right now, as I cataloged the bumps and bruises, I only knew two things for certain: First, we were no longer in Reno, and second, Hell had a new name--Assjacket.

****

The last thing I remember before dying...

CHING, CHING, CHING, dinga-ding-ding sang the slot machines as we walked through the Harrah’s casino. I felt light-headed and dizzy, which probably had more to do with twenty hours of no sleep rather than the crisp cool air circulating in the place.

“I heard they pump oxygen into casinos here in Reno to keep people wide awake.” I yawned deeply, almost painfully. The extra oxygen trick wasn’t working on me. The only thing keeping me awake was my screaming feet. If I were less a lady, I’d kick off the heels and walk around in my stockinged feet.

Oh, who was I kidding? I was totally less of a lady. I took my shoes off and shoved them into my red hobo bag purse. It was huge but stylish, and it matched my outfit. Willy was the only one to grumble about getting dressed up, but getting girly every once in a while was good for the soul. Besides, she looked dynamite in her green pencil skirt and black silk blouse.

“That’s an urban legend about the oxygen,” Willy said, fluffing her mass of red curls. Willy was a were-bobcat who had recently moved to our small Ozark town.

“Willy’s right,” Chavvah said, which in my eyes was a complete betrayal.

“What happened to having my back?”

“I got your back, front, and sides.” Chav sucked in a deep breath through her nose. “But the evidence is in the air. All I detect is air-conditioning coolant, cologne, cigarette smoke, various kinds of booze, coffee, and the acrid aroma of desperation.”

Since she was half coyote-half wolf, I didn’t argue. Instead, I sniffed my armpits. My deodorant seemed to be holding up, but as the only human in the bunch, I was nose-blind compared to my compatriots. “You’d have one less thing to smell if you’d let me go back to the room to shower.” And sleep for eight hours straight, I wanted to add. I hadn’t had that kind of sleep since Jude was born, and now that we had a new baby, our little Dawn, sleep was a place that I rarely got to visit, and I knew in my heart I’d never live there.

“Oh, hell yes,” Chav exclaimed.

Awesome, she was going to parole me from this casino prison. “Thanks, babe. I appreciate—hey, where are you going?” Okay, parole was off the table.

Chav made a bee-line for a lit-up neon door that proclaimed to house Reno’s most highly sought-after psychic, Madame Jane Tennison.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I groaned.

“Finally.” Ruth, the fourth in our quartet, and a deer shifter and an even dearer friend clasped her hands together. “It’s something on my bucket list.”

“You’re not dying, Ruth,” Willy said. “You only get a bucket list if you’re dying.”

Ruth, who had the skin and facial features of a Disney princess, gave Willy a disappointed look. “If I was dying, I wouldn’t be spending my last precious days in Reno. Besides, it’s not that kind of bucket list.”

“Please, don’t make me,” I whined to anyone of my friends who would listen. “I’m the thirty-something mother of two, and I’m not as...sturdy built as you therianthropes. I need my sleep.”

Chavvah, who’d finally come back after reading a sign hanging on the door to Madame Tennison’s, harrumphed. Ruth and Willy both shook their heads.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” I complained.

“Did you get one of your visions?” Chav asked, clear concern on her face.

I thought about lying for a hot minute, but I couldn’t make the words cross my lips. While I was a bonified psychic, unlike Faker-McFakee my friends wanted to consult, I had not had a vision about the fortune teller, but I’d seen enough of her kind when I was growing up to make me sick. My New Age parents loved the idea of people who could talk to the dead. When I first started getting visions of my own, they jumped all over themselves to take credit. It’s no wonder I took the first bus out of commune-central when I turned eighteen.

I shook my head. “Fine.” I crossed my arms across my recently deflated boobs, down two bra sizes since weaning my youngest. “But under protest. Fortune tellers are nothing but charlatans and con artists.”

Willy snorted. “I can’t believe you are a non-believer.”

“I’m a psychic, not a circus act. Only a liar would say they could predict someone’s future accurately.” My visions tended to be unhelpful and ambiguous, and worse yet, I had no control over how or when they happened. To top it off, I was usually neck deep in doo-doo before I figured out what the hell they meant anyhow.

Ruth pointed half-way down a list she’d printed at home. “Madame Tennison is ranked number five as a must-see-attraction in Reno.”

“On a review written up by someone whose Twitter handle is @Antsyinmypantsy.” Willy laughed. “I don’t know if he or she is a credible source.”

Ruth covered the left side of her chest with her hand. “The heart wants what the heart wants, and I want to check out the Madame Jane Tennison. But since this is Chav and Willy’s bachelorette weekend, they should have the final word.”

“I’m in,” Willy said.

Chavvah nodded. “For sure. Me too.”

Ruth grinned at me. “Come on. It will be fun.”

Famous last words. Ugh. I think the fact that Ruth had drunk three glasses of champagne at the VIP table at Reno’s Queens of the Desert drag show had a lot to do with her push to walk on the wild side. “It’s after midnight. I’m usually in bed by now.”

“Oh, Sunny,” Chavvah said. “I remember when you used to close down the bars in San Diego.”

“I was much younger and a lot less tired.” Being a mommy was the most awesome thing I’d ever done, but two energetic therianthrope babies took a lot out of me. “Can’t I skip this one thing?”

“No.”

“But--”

She held up her hand and cut me off. “I get to do anything I want this weekend.”

“You’re cruel, Chav.”

“You bet your sweet bippy.” She didn’t look the slightest bit guilty. “Besides, I didn’t make the rules. You did.”

“I can’t believe you’re throwing my own words back in my face,” I whined. “Just you wait until you have kids.”

This time Ruth held up a hand. “I’ve got nine children, Sunny Trimmel. You don’t see me crying about being tired.”

I frowned, because what else could I do. Ruth does have nine kids, and Linus, her youngest, to put it nicely, is rambunctious.

“Well, you three are therianthropes. I’m just a mere human.”

Willy snorted again.

I narrowed my gaze at her. “That’s not attractive, you know.”

“Brady doesn't seem to mind none.”

I grinned. “Do tell?”

“No!” Chav and Ruth said in unison. They did not share my same interest in getting all the juicy details.

Chav held out her hand to me. I sighed and took it, all the while grumbling about the unfairness of it all as she dragged me into the fortune teller’s lair. The set-up was cliché—round table with two high-back chairs, a long, purple tablecloth with the hem rumpled on the circular throw rug, big all-seeing eyes on various objects and wall-hangings, black velvet curtains, strings of fairy lights, and the freaking place smelled like patchouli. Ugh. The scent reminded me of my childhood.

“It looks like Madame Fraudison is out. We should go,” I said to the others.

Ruth gave me a stern look.  “Now, Sunny. Quit being a spoilsport.”

“I am Madame Tennison,” a woman said as she swept the black curtain aside. “I feel a strong aura, a powerful presence in you ladies. Please,” she gestured to the chair nearest us, “who shall I read first?” Her pale blue eyes framed by thick, dark lashes twinkled as she flashed a wide, ruby-lipped grin.

I pushed Chavvah ahead of me. “One of the brides-to-be should go first.”

My BFF glared at me then she turned a smile to the fortune teller. “I’d love to go first.”

After Chav sat down, Madame Tennison took the seat on the side. “What is your name?”

“You’re the psychic,” I muttered. “Don’t you know?”

The fortune teller raised a brow at me. “My gift is more abstract. I get images, not words.”

“Uh huh.”

“Chavvah Trimmel,” Chav said. “Excuse Sunny. She’s not usually this cranky.”

I stuck my tongue out. Chav and the charlatan ignored me.

“I don’t mind,” the con-woman said. “I am used to nay-sayers. Can I have your palm, Chavvah?”

“Sure.” Chav extended her hand. The fortune teller brushed her finger over a thick scar at Chav’s wrist. My friend winced. It was a souvenir of a terrible time in her life, and I didn’t like the fortune teller bringing attention to it.

Madame Tennison closed her eyes. “You have suffered much in the past.”

“You are a regular Sherlock Holmes,” I said. Anyone could have guessed that revelation.

“Hush now,” Ruth admonished. “We’re trying to have a good time here, Sunny. Why are you so intent on ruining it?” She blinked her big doe eyes at me and waited for my answer. It was a move I was certain she’d perfected on her multiple children to great effect.

Apparently, it worked on her friends as well. I filled with guilt. Ruth had never been out of Missouri, and I really was acting like a buzz-kill. And worst of all, I didn’t know why. I’d just had a terrible feeling all evening, and I couldn’t shake it. The weighty foreboding had soured my mood. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to relax.”

Madame Tennison continued her schtick with Chavvah. “I see a great loss in your past.” She met Chav’s gaze. “A parent.” She shook her head. “No. A sibling. A brother?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. She’s reading your face, Chav. It’s a lucky guess.”

The con-woman narrowed her gaze at me, then back to Chav. “A hunting accident? Such a terrible shame.” With a flickering glance, she gave me a nee-ner-nee-ner stare.

“Fine, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then,” I said, borrowing a euphemism from a possum shifter I knew back home.

Willy put her hand on my shoulder. I looked down at the fiery redhead.

“Maybe you should wait outside, Sunny,” she said.

“No, I’ll behave.”

Willy snorted. “That’ll be the day.”

Madame Tennison was drawing a line across Chav’s palm. “I see a handsome man. A wolfish demeanor.”

My eyes widened. Humans—aside from myself—weren’t aware of therianthropes or lycanthropes, so having the fortune teller describe Chav’s werewolf fiancé, Billy Bob Smith, as wolfish, was just a little too on the nose. I saw a tug of a smile at the corner of the fortune teller’s lips. I got a horrible feeling she knew more about us than she should.

The foreboding intensified. “Chav, get up.” I tried to walk toward her and stumbled. My lips were numb and hard to move. “Don’t let her touch you.”

I forced my arm up and threw myself on the table. Chav jumped back with a startled yelp as I grabbed Madame Tennison and my vision fuzzed.

A large bear stands over me. I yelp and roll away. They can’t know I’m back. Not yet. So how... Wait. The bear isn’t moving. And, gruesomely, it is missing a large chunk of its head.

Nooooooooooooo! I’m in goddess-damned West Virginia. That fucking Hildy has probably already called Baba Yaga to haul my ass off to jail. Shit-damn-fairy nuts-and-honeybadger-stinkpits.

I throw my hands up. Sparks fly from my fingertips as I zap the bear in the jewels.

My power is back. All is not lost.

...And that was the last of the vision I remembered before I awoke in a ditch on a lonely stretch of road.

Chapter Two

Now that you’re up to speed...

MY MUSCLES ACHED, and my breath smelled like baby poop. With two babies at home, I was very familiar with the awful stench.

“Chavvah?”

“I’m here,” she said.

I looked around, my eyes still trying to adjust the dark surroundings. “Where are you?”

A wet nose bumped my cheek. “Right here.”

I jumped. A huge seven-foot black wolf stood next to me instead of Chav. “How in the world?”

The last and only time my BFF turned into Brother Wolf, her spirit guide’s avatar, was when she was in danger from a deranged serial killer who wanted to skin her alive. Literally. When she’d turned into the giant, talking wolf, she’d ended up eating—well, more like swallowing—the killer in one bite.

“Why are you--” I waved my hand at her “--all furry? Change back.”

“I can’t.” She scratched her ear with her back foot, which I found disturbing. “I’ve tried. It’s not working, and Brother Wolf isn’t talking to me right now, so I have no idea what to do at this point.”

Brother Wolf had watched over Chav when she’d been kidnapped by hunters, and he’d guided her when she’d been stalked by serial killers. The Native American deity had a habit of helping without really helping. “He sure picked a bad time to go all absentee guardian.”

“You ain’t kidding,” Chav said.

“How did we end up out here? Did we piss off a mob boss and get our asses parked in the Nevada desert?”

“We woke up in grass.”

“Oh, sure, use logic on me.” She was right though. This area was not sandy enough, aka not at all, for a desert. “I keep forgetting that Reno is in the wetlands.”

“I don’t think we're near Reno either.” Chav gestured with her nose toward a dimly lit town up the road. “Apparently,” she said, “we’re on the outskirts of Assjacket.” About fifteen feet away, a sign written in spray paint said, “Welcome to Assjacket.”

Assjacket looked deserted and spooky—a real ghost town. “That can’t be its actual name.”

“I agree,” Chav said, “but unless you want to scrape under the layer of graffiti, it’s all we got.”

The air temperature was about fifteen degrees cooler than it had been in Reno. “Where are Ruth and Willy?”

A pale, blond deer and a red, spotted bobcat came trotting up the side of the road. Chav nodded in their direction. “I believe that’s them.”

“Great. I don’t suppose they can change back to human either.”

“I imagine if they could have they would have,” Chavvah agreed.

And that meant they couldn’t talk to us. Chav’s ability to communicate was unique. Most therians in their animal forms didn’t have human speech.

“I’ll GPS locate us. Hold on.” My hobo bag had miraculously made the trip. I pulled my shoes out, put them on, then rummaged around and reached past the small first aid kit, travel hairspray, brush, ibuprofen, lip balm, my wallet, Mentholatum, a pair of clean underwear in a plastic bag—in case of an accident, like ending up outside of some town called Assjacket—and finally felt the hard edge of my smartphone. I pulled it out of the leather abyss and stared at the lighted screen. An ugly red triangle at the top of the screen taunted me. “Noooo!”

“What?”

“My phone isn’t working.” I sighed. “Since you all don’t have pockets, I don’t suppose you managed to bring anything useful along.”

“You suppose right,” said Chav. “I guess we go to Assjacket.”

“I can’t very well take a deer, a bobcat, and a mythical wolf into a non-therian town, now can I?”

A flying object zipped above our heads with a mighty shout of, “Goddess-damnit! Nooooo!”

I hit the ground as if someone knocked over a hornets’ nest and anyone poking their heads up was going to get stung. “What the hell is that?” I whispered harshly.

Chav stared at the female-shaped UFO as it zipped around like a just popped balloon. She shook her large black, furry head. “It looks like a woman, but it’s all weird and flat.”

I turned over to my back and examined the silhouette fluttering haphazardly around the sky. “No, I think you’re right on the money. How is that even possible?” The out-of-control shadow woman tumbled through the night sky toward the desolate town.

“Maybe someone gave us LSD, and we’re imagining this whole thing.”

“Together?”

“Well, maybe this is my delusion. My lack of sleep has finally caught up with me, and I’ve gone crazy.”

I stood up and pushed my dress back down around my thighs, wishing I’d worn slacks and sensible shoes. “On a positive note, I don’t think the whole supernatural thing is going to be a problem around here.”

“We should still be careful,” Chav said. The bobcat and deer nodded their agreement. “I’ve never heard of someone having the ability to fly without changing into a bird first.”

In our town, we had a resident avianthrope. Becky, who happened to be a baker with the last name of Baker, turned into an eagle on the full moon, but she certainly couldn’t fly in her human form.

“Fine.” I held up a hand. “We approach with caution. Why couldn’t we have a nice, simple bachelorette party back home, like normal people?”

The giant wolf nudged me. “It was your idea.”

“Oh, sure, rub that in my face.” I was never going to live down Reno, I could tell already. Fifty years from now, I was certain my best friend would still be razzing me about it. “Let’s just go. How much worse can it get?”

Lots worse. That’s how much.

We began walking toward Assjacket. As we traveled past the first building, a ramshackle hardware store that I suspected had gone out of business a long time ago, three fat furballs sauntered into the middle of the cracked sidewalk and blocked our path. Willy hissed, her neck-hairs standing on end. Ruth parked her doe-butt behind Chav, and Chav stepped forward and put her humongous self between me and our roadblocks.

Since the critters had not made a move to attack us, I found the small LED flashlight in my purse and shone it on the trio.

Cats! And not like Willy. These bad boys were some overfed domestics.

“Yo, lady, get that light out of my face,” a gray cat with white spots said.

I yelped, because, hello, where I’m from house cats don’t talk.

“I think she might have brain damage,” the no-neck calico said. “Just look at her. There something not-so-bright about the blonde.”

“Hey,” I said. “That’s mean.” Basically, proving his point about the not-so-bright part of his statement. I moved further behind Chav, who’d kept amazingly quiet through the opening exchange. “How can you guys talk?”

“With our mouths, doll,” the white one with gray patches quipped.

The largest of three, a gray cat with a white tummy, nodded his approval. “Good one, Boba Fett.”

“Thanks, Fat Bastard.”

Fat Bastard looked like a fat bastard, but Boba Fett? “Are you guys galactic bounty hunters? Do I need to worry about being freeze-dried in bronze?”

“Carbonite,” Chav growled.

“Oh, sure. Now you talk,” I muttered out the side of my mouth.

“No,” Boba Fett said, “she’s right. Hans Solo was frozen in carbonite.”

I widened my eyes. “So not the point.”

Fat Bastard gestured to Chavvah. “What kinda Shifter are you, toots?”

“The kind that eats cats.”

“Boba. Jango,” the largest cat said. He nodded his meaty face at me. “Let’s show this bunch of intruders why you don’t intrude in Assjacket.”

Chavvah growled. “I bet you taste delicious.”

The cat called Jango sneered. “Just wait until the Shifter Wanker gets back. You’re gonna wish you never came here.”

“I already wish that,” I said. “Look. You don’t want us here, and we don’t want to be here. But I don’t have a working phone or a vehicle, and frankly, I have no idea where here is.”

“The last is easy, sugarlegs. You’re in West Virginia.”

I groaned. “That’s not possible.”

“You’re standing next to an eight-foot-tall wolf who talks. What’s not impossible?” Boba asked.

“We were in Reno!”

“You’re from Reno? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I don’t know, okay? And we’re not from Reno. We’re from—“ I paused. In my mind’s eye, I could see the town, the people, but the name of it escaped me. How could I have forgotten where I lived?

I looked at Chavvah. “Where are we from?”

“You really have lost your mind. We live in—“ Chavvah blinked. “I can’t remember.”

“That’s really peculiar,” Jango said.

Fat Bastard shrugged his meaty shoulders. “Witches pop in and out from all over the world.”

“There’s no such thing as witches,” I said.

Jango picked his teeth with a sharp claw. “Again, from the chick standing next to the monstrosity covered in black fur.”

“Hey!” Chavvah protested. “I am not a monstrosity.”

“Then what are you, sweetheart? Because you ain’t no dame, and you ain’t no Shifter,” Boba Fett said.

Jango stretched out then stood up. “This is probably some Bermangoggleshitz cock-up.”

Fat Bastard shook his head, his whiskers twitching back and forth. “Nope. He’s a dark jackhole, but he promised Sassy he’d stay outta trouble. I don’t think he’d do anything to blow it with her.”

My skin began to buzz with the all-too-familiar aura I felt when a vision came on. “Not now,” I whispered as my eyes rolled back into my skull and every around me went black.

I am flying. I am finally fucking flying! Exile is over bitches. Yasss!

The words are coming out of my mouth, but it’s not me talking.

Without warning, it’s like my batteries to my power dies, and I drop like a stone to the ground. I can feel it. This reality is slipping from me. Nooo, this can’t be happening. I can’t be stuck here. I walk forward toward the force, and my magic fades with every step. I turn away and run. I run until my feet are once again off the ground, and I’m flying back to the one place I don’t want to be.

I look down and see four black shapes on the side of the road as I fly back to the armpit of West Virginia more determined than ever. I don’t care what it takes, now that I have my magic back, I plan to never let it go again.

My eyes snapped open, and my head felt like someone had driven a railroad spike right through my temple. “Ow.” I sat up since I was now sprawled out on the ground again. I slipped my right shoe on and noticed a large hole at the heel of my pantyhose. Damn it. With some effort, I managed to get to my feet.

“Bad one?” Chav asked.

“And then some.” Confusing as hell too, but I was beginning to believe witches did exist. “Hey—” Before I could finish, a resounding boom shook the ground beneath us.

Chav looked at me.

I shrugged. “Nope. Not what I saw.” Once again, my vision had been less than helpful.

A fiery bright flash followed a second thundering noise. The cats jumped behind a trashcan, and I ended up smashed against Chav, wearing bobcat claws on my back, and a deer nose up my butt.

After a few seconds of silence, the cats came out of hiding. “If you know what’s good for you, hot stuff, you and your buddies will clear out of town before we get back,” Fat Bastard said, then all three of them took off toward the blast.

Chapter Three

“Jayzus!” I shouted. “And ow. Get off me, Willy. I’m going to have scars on my ass.” The bobcat jumped down. “What the hell was that?” I looked around for our welcome wagon, but the three tubby felines were nowhere to be found. “Great. Just when a local tour guides might be helpful.”

“Should we go check out the explosion?” Chav asked.

I eased Ruth’s nose from my backside. “Are you crazy? We should do just the opposite. Didn’t your momma teach you anything? You don’t run toward danger. You run away from it.”

It was weird hearing a wolf snort, but Chav managed. “When was the last time you ran from danger?”

“The last time your parents came to town.” My in-laws, Babe and Chav’s mom specifically, did not exactly approve of their coyote son marrying a human. Even after squeezing two babies out my hoo-haw, I still wasn’t good enough for their youngest child.

I sucked in a breath to stop the tears. I missed my kids, Jude and Dawn, not to mention my sexy, howly, husband Babe. Why hadn’t we just stayed home? “Going to Reno was the worst idea I’ve ever had.”

Chavvah brushed me with her hairy, and kind of smelly, shoulder. “Oh, honey. I’ve known you a long time. Reno doesn’t even rank.”

“Har-har,” I said bitterly. She wasn’t wrong. I’d made some questionable choices in the past, like scrubbing a layer of skin off my face with a miracle sponge or the time I decided a bikini wax in my last month of pregnancy would be sexy. Unfortunately, those weren’t even some of my worst ideas. “We don’t have to dwell on the past right now. We should find a phone so we can call home.”

Another earth quaking firework and a deafening sound rocked us to the ground.

“Christ all mighty,” our deer-shifter friend said. “Finding a phone is the least of our worries.”

Chavvah and I turned to stare at the pale-blonde doe.

“You can talk?” I asked, feeling both shocked and incredibly relieved.

Ruth’s ears fluttered back and forth, and her white tail swished. She blinked a couple of times, then said, “I guess I can. That’s weird.”

I had to agree. Hearing human words come out of her narrow muzzle was super weird, not to mention the unnatural way her mouth was moving. It was as if we were in a kung-fu movie and English words were being dubbed over Chinese.

“Yep, weird,” Willy, still in bobcat form, agreed. Then she perked up, her body stretching high in an arch. “Hey, I can talk too.”

I groaned as a new theory formulated in my head. “We’ve died, guys. And this is hell.”

“We’re not dead, Sunny,” Chav said. “Besides, you don’t believe in Heaven or Hell.”

“But you do. What if I’m wrong, and you were right?” My lower lip jutted out. “What if you were right?”

“Then we certainly wouldn’t be in Hell.”

“I’m a non-believer, of course, I’m in Hell.”

Chav looked at me then moved her gaze to Ruth.

“Oh, right.” I might end up in the bad place, but not Ruth. “Fine. If we’re not dead, how do you explain what’s happening with you guys?”

“Just because the answer isn’t obvious doesn’t mean there isn’t one,” Willy said, going into cop mode. “We just need to look at the evidence. The last thing I remember was you lunging at that fortune teller, second, we wake up outside this awful town, and third, there were three talking cats to greet us, and forth, a huge explosion a few blocks away.” She paced back and forth on the sidewalk. Her stubby tail jerking like it was having a seizure.

“And what can you conclude from all that?”

“Fuck if I know,” the bobcat said. “I’m beginning to think we followed Alice down the rabbit hole.”

“My dead theory is looking more promising all the time.”

“Hush, Sunny,” Ruth said. “We’re not dead. I did not leave home for the first time in ever to end up dead. There is a reasonable explanation for all this. We just need to find it.”

“I think we need to do a little more investigating,” Willy said.

“Agreed.” Chav started walking toward the fire. “And that explosion is as good as any place to start.”

We passed a gas station, a barber shop, a diner, and a grocery store that looked several years passed its sell-by date, and my friends were picking up speed.

I did my best to keep up, but even at a canter, they were way faster than me, the advantage of four legs over two. “Slow down!” We’d been running for what felt like an hour, but had only been about two minutes. Still, my lungs burned. I really needed to start working out again.

My heel snapped, and I cursed Reno for the umpteenth time. If I’d have had a heads up about getting high-jacked to this whack-a-doodle town, I would have put on jeans and sensible shoes.

“Damn it!” I shouted, as I kicked off my shoes and limped to where my friends had finally stopped to wait for me. I heaved a breath as we stared at the blue and white tipped flames licking the sky, mimicking the run in my hose licking up my thigh.

Ruth’s voice sounded awed. “Now that’s a fire.”

“That’s not natural,” Willy said.

“Like anything about this place is natural,” Chav agreed.

“I think this only validates my theory about us being dead.” A sharp pain in my ass made me jump. “Hey!”

Willy retracted her very, sharp claws, the ones she’d just used to gouge a hole in my flesh, and gave me the stink eye.

“Hey! You’ll ruin my—never mind. These stockings are toast.”

Willy twitched her nose at me. “I am getting married, Sunny, so I can’t be dead. So, quit saying it.”

“Ditto that,” Chav snarled.

“Denial,” I coughed.

Ruth said, “I think our best bet is to get on the road to the next town. I don’t think we’ll be finding any help here.”

I followed her stare as people and animals of all kinds ran toward the fire. It was disconcerting to see bears, wolves, chipmunks, skunks, and raccoons working together to haul water to the fire. I’d been living with therianthropes for three years, and not once had I seen them doing anything in tandem while in their animal form.

I still couldn’t tell what was on fire though? We moved closer. “What is that?” The fire began to die down. A head emerged from the flames. A bear’s head. And it was missing half its face. “Holy shitballs!” I remembered the vision I’d had when I’d grasped the fortune teller’s hand right before we wound up outside of Assjacket. “Where is she?” I scoured the mob. “Where?” When I got my hands on Tennison, I was going to punch her right in her all-seeing eye.

A chipmunk transformed into a naked man. He pointed a finger at us. “Strangers!” he shouted. Then there were three more chipmunks who shifted into their buck-naked human forms. All four of them began chanting in unison. “Stranger danger. Stranger danger. Stranger danger.”

Chapter Four

I stared at the four sets of dangly bits, because hello, naked men! While the therianthropes in my group might be immune to seeing everyone in their birthday suits, I still had my good old-fashioned human hang-ups.

Out of the side of my mouth, I said, “I’m pretty sure they’re talking about us.”

“What gave it away,” Willy said. “The pointing? The staring? Or the chanting in our direction?”

I pursed my lips. “You don’t have to be so sarcastic.”

Willy flashed her tiny fangs. “I really think I do.”

“Uhm,” Ruth said nervously. “Maybe we should go. Those chipmunks are starting draw attention our way.”

“I thought it was a terrible idea to come down here in the first place. I’m all for getting the hell out of this place.” I looked around. Animals and people had completely surrounded us. “Uhm, Chav. Just how vast is that stomach of yours?” Like I said before, I’d seen her dispatch a large man in one bite, but that could have been a one-off.

“I’m not going to eat these folks,” she said. She turned a menacing glare at the crowd. “Unless I am forced to do so.”

The chipmunks were still chanting “Stranger danger,” but no one had joined in with them, which I took as a positive sign. Most peculiarly, now that the fire had died down, the human-looking population had their phones up snapping pictures and video of the four of us huddled together like refugees.

“Would you four shut up,” a man shouted. Miraculously, the naked men along with the whole town square grew silent.

The guy strode forward with a woman on his left arm and a small child on his right hip. He was handsome and thin, the woman pretty. Their dark hair gave them the appearance of being related, but I’d seen the same back home with therianthropes from the same animal category, but considering the backwoods town we were in, I wouldn’t rule out kissing cousins.

“Uhm, howdy, neighbors,” I said as politely as I could manage.

“Who and what are you?” the man asked. He was staring at Chavvah not me, so I tried not react indignantly.

“I’m Chavvah Trimmel,” she said. “I am a coyote, but I walk with Brother Wolf. Unfortunately, I have somehow ended up here as his avatar, and since I can’t seem to get a hold of him at the moment, I am stuck in this form.”

“Hmm.” The man scratched his pointed chin. “I’ve never heard of this Brother Wolf. Is he a warlock?”

I snarfed. “Not hardly.”

“he is more like a spirit,” Chav explained. “He acts as my guide.”

“I wish he could guide our asses out of here.”

Chav narrowed her eyes at me.

“Fine. I’m shutting up.”

“That’ll be the day,” Chav said.

I clutched at my chest. “You wound me.” I dropped my hands to my sides. “Not.”  Because I couldn’t see how introductions could hurt our situation, after all, other than the naked chipmunk-shifters, no one seemed too surprised by us. “I’m Sunny Trimmel. Chav here is my sister-in-law. The deer is our dear friend Ruth Thompson, and the bobcat is Willy Boden. She’s in law enforcement if it makes any difference.”

“We have our own form of law in Assjacket.”

“Wonderful,” Willy murmured.

“Can that bobcat talk?” the woman on his arm asked. “That’s fascinating.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s new.”

The man turned to stare at Willy now, the bobcat suddenly very interesting to him. “How can you talk?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” she said. “We were hoping someone in town might know.”

“In this town,” he said, “someone probably does.”

I crossed my arms. “Now that you know who we are, maybe you all could clue us in on this place. Are you all part of the Appalachian Therianthrope Council?” I knew from listening to my mayoral husband’s boring political blah, blah, blah, that the Appalachian Council covered therianthropes from Georgia up through New York.

“What’s a therianthrope?” the man asked.

“You know,” I said.

“No, I really don’t.”

“People who can shift into animals and then back to humans.”

“We are Shifters, not therianthropes.”

“Well, technically,” a short, stout man with a hairline that set right above his eyebrows said. “Therion is Greek for wild animal and anthropes means human being. So the word could very well describe Shifters.” He smiled at me. “I’m Bob. I write plays, so I am very good with words.”

“Hey, Bob.” I smiled back.

“I’m Kurt, raccoon Alpha, and this is my wife Wanda,” he gestured to the woman. “And our son, Bo. I’m in charge while our king and his wife are on vacation.” He set the boy down and shook his head. “I’ve never heard of this council you are talking about,” he said. “Where are you from?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but my mind blanked. “I can’t remember the name of our town.” I looked at Chav for help.

“Well, crap,” she said. “I can’t remember either. It’s like it’s there, but not.”

“That’s so peculiar,” Bob said. “I’ve never heard of hometown amnesia before.”

Ruth danced over to me, her body pushing against my side. “Because there’s no such thing.”

“We are so fucked,” Willy said, stating the obvious.

Ruth let out a bleating noise of despair.

Willy rubbed her fur against Ruth’s legs. “We’ll figure this out. I promise.”

I wish I could be so confident. “Yeah, Ruth, what Willy said. We’ll find a way to get home.”

“Hi, I’m Chad,” one of the chipmunk Shifters said. “And these are my brothers, Chip, Chutney, and Chunk. Sorry about earlier with the whole stranger-danger thing. Our mom taught us to yell it when someone we don’t know shows up.”

“She wants us to be safe,” Chutney said.

“Shewouldn’tlikeustalkingtoyourightnowwe’regoingtobeinsomuchtrouble,” the one he called Chunk said. Frankly, I didn’t understand a single word.

“Is he...okay?” I asked.

“Chunk talks really fast,” Chad said. “He’s just worried that mom will be mad at us for talking to you.”

“Aren’t you a little old for stranger-danger?” I asked. They looked to be well over twenty.

“I’m the baby,” Chip said. “I’m only ninety-three.”

Wowza. The therians tended to grow older much slower than humans, but not this slow. “My brain is about to explode.”

“Take cover!” Chutney yelled. He threw his arms up over his head.

“Not literally. Sheesh.”

“Bob, why don’t you take Chip, Chad, Chutney, and Chunk home?” Kurt said.

Bob nodded. He made the chipmunk brothers hold hands, and he led the four bare-butted men from the scene.

“Sorry about them. They are good boys, but not very bright.”

“No kidding,” I agreed. “You wouldn’t by any chance have a phone we could use? Our cell phones don’t seem to get reception here, and we’d really like to call home.” Babe, Billy Bob, Ed, and Brady were probably worried sick since we hadn’t called to check in with them.

Kurt took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. “Here. I have full bars.”

I pushed in Babe’s number, the only number I had memorized, and suppressed the giddiness threatening to burble over into a giggle. What can I say, I sometimes had peculiar reactions to stressful situations?

Beee-booo-booop. The number you’ve dialed is not in service.

My mouth went dry. “I don’t understand. Babe’s number has been the same since he was eighteen. He wouldn’t change it.”

“Try Doc,” Chav said, referring to Billy Bob, who was not only the town shaman but also our town physician. She gave me the number. I punched it in.

Beee-booo-boop. The number you’ve dialed is not in service.

I shook my head. “Nope. It says his number, like Babe’s isn’t in service.” My earlier fears of being dead resurfaced.

Willy had me try Brady, and Ruth had me try Ed and all nine of her children, even the youngest, Linus. The result was the same.

“How is this possible? We can’t remember the name of our town, and we can’t get a hold of anyone from our lives back home. What if this is some mad version of It’s A Wonderful Life?” My voice rose an octave as real panic settled in. “Which one of you thought our families would be better off if we never existed?” I rounded on my friends. “Who was it? Who!”

“Ambrosia Sunshine Haddock Trimmel, pull yourself to together,” Chavvah snapped. “There isn’t a single one of us who thinks anyone is better off without us.”

Present company excepted.

I worried all the time that Babe would be better off without me. He could have had a simpler life if he’d settled down with a nice werecoyote. As it was, I was ten years his senior, and I didn’t have near the lifespan of a therianthrope. And sure, I looked all right now, but what about ten years from now? The Doc was in his late fifties, and he looked my age.

“Oh, stop,” Chav said. “I know what you’re thinking, Sunny, and Babe would hate it if he knew you were thinking about him without you, so cut it out.”

“Don’t yell at me,” I whimpered. “I’m going to need years of therapy after this as it is.”

“Did someone say they needed a therapist?” a small man asked.

“They don’t need a sex therapist, Roger.” A woman with large hazel eyes and the kind of beauty I recognized instantly, total Disney princess, walked toward us.

“You’re a deer Shifter, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Why, yes I am. I’m DeeDee,” the woman said. “I own a diner here in town with Wanda.

“Not that rundown shack we passed on the way over here,” Chavvah asked.

“It’s better on the inside than the outside.” DeeDee put her finger to her lips and shushed us. “It’s the town’s secret. It keeps the humans from poking around.” She looked at me. “No offense.”

“None taken.” Besides, as insults went, it was pretty soft. “Is there a motel in this town? We need a place to regroup.” Now that the adrenaline of the firebomb had waned, a weariness had settled into my bones.

“We don’t have anything like that in town. Not many visitors come through here,” Wanda said.

DeeDee nodded. “But I can put you all up for the night. I have an extra room if you all don’t mind sharing. You can take the bed, and I can put down some extra blankets for your friends.”

“Thanks.” That solved one problem. Now, all we had to do was figure out how to get Chav, Ruth, and Willy back into people, which frankly, seemed like a cakewalk compared to figuring out why we couldn’t remember the name of our town or why all the phone numbers to our guys were disconnected.

Chapter Five

The next morning, the world did not look any brighter. As a matter of fact, I felt more tired than I had when I put my head down on the ruffled-edged pillows on DeeDee’s guest bed. I’d had a quick shower, and DeeDee had loaned me a nightgown. Luckily, I had clean undies in my purse, which gave me the chance to wash the ones I was wearing, just in case we were in town longer than a day. God, I hoped we weren’t in town longer than a day. I put my red dress back on and put on my shoes. I’d taken the other heel off the good shoe to turn them into flats. They weren’t comfortable by any means, but they would do.

Chav, Ruth, and Willy looked the same as they had the night before. I’d been holding out hope that their transformations were temporary, but unfortunately, my friends were still a mutant wolf, a white-tailed deer, and a bobcat instead of the women I knew and loved.

As we made our way downstairs to DeeDee’s first floor, there was a distinct lack of coffee aroma. Frankly, it made me a little sad. I guess since she told us she owned a diner, I just assumed coffee, and maybe even a cinnamon roll, was a given.

“What are you doing here?” DeeDee asked when I rounded the corner to the kitchen. Her eyes widened when Chav entered after me.

“I’m sorry. Were we supposed to leave earlier? I didn’t realize there was a check out time.”

DeeDee’s mouth dropped open then closed. Her shoulders slumped. “No, I’m the one who should apologize. It was a long night, and I didn’t get much sleep. I’m afraid I’m a bit cranky.”

“We won’t be in your hair for long. Is there a car rental place in town?” Based on what I saw last night, I doubted they did, but a girl could hope.

“I...No,” DeeDee said, “No car rentals here in town. Maybe the next town up. It’s about half an hour east.”

“I’d hitchhike,” Chav said, “but I don’t have thumbs.”

I giggled because funny is funny, and sometimes you had to laugh to keep from crying.

A knock at the front door drew all our attention. Wanda and Kurt from the night before walked in before DeeDee could say “come in.”

“Oh,” Wanda said. “Your friends are still shifted.”

“Yep.” Get that woman a cookie. “Nothing’s changed since last night.”

“So, tell me what happened,” she said as she went up to Ruth and pried her eyelid open to examine her sockets. Next, she raised up Ruth’s lips to look at her teeth. Ruth’s tail dropped, and her back legs got jittery.

“I’ve had the shit kicked out of me by a deer before,” I said to the raccoon Shifter.

Wanda gave me an interested look.

I shrugged. “Just saying.”

Wanda ignored my warning and pulled up on one of Ruth’s ears.

“Enough,” Ruth said.

Wanda yiked and jumped away from the talking doe.

Ruth leveled her mom gaze at the dark-haired woman. “I don’t mean to be impolite, but you should ask before you put your hands all over someone.”

Kurt suddenly took an interest. “It’s fascinating how you can speak.”

“Yep, fascinating,” Ruth said, clearly not fascinated or amused. “And before you ask, where we come from, therianthropes cannot speak like a person when we are in our second nature. This is new.”

“Interesting,” Wanda said. “Don’t you think it’s interesting, DeeDee?”

“Yeah, a real humdinger,” our hostess said.

“How did you all end up here?” Kurt asked.

“Now that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it,” I said. “One minute we were getting our fortunes told in Reno, and the next minute we were laying in a ditch outside your trash...er...treasured town.”

“Nevada?” Kurt asked.

“Yes.”

“This sounds like no spell I’ve ever heard of,” Wanda said. “I wish our king and the Shifter Wanker were back from their visit with Baba Yaga. They’d know what to do.”

“Shifter Wanker sounds like a bad porn title,” Willy said.

I giggled again because, in my house, I was the shifter wanker. Bow-chicka-bow-wow. “How can this king and the other people help us? We can’t remember the name of our town or even how to find it. We can’t call home because none of the numbers work. Chavvah is in the body of an ancient spirit guardian who isn’t talking to her at the moment, and Ruth and Willy have gone full-on therianthrope.”

At that moment, a wave of despair hit me. I was Sunny, the one who always looked on the bright side of bad situations, but this was worse than bad, this was catastrophic.

I hiccupped a sob. “I miss my babies.”

“We’ll get home, Sunny,” Chav said with swift fierceness. Kurt, Wanda, and DeeDee all took a step back.

“Zelda is the Shifter Wanker. She is a healer witch who is mated to our Alpha, Mac. She can heal any Shifter, so she should be able to help your friends. At least the deer and the bobcat. I’m not sure about,” he pointed to Chav, “her. I’ve never seen anything like her before.”

“Yeah, she’s just full of surprises.”

“Not by choice,” Chav said. “I’d happily settle for the nice quiet life of a doctor’s wife.”

“DeeDee is a doula. She’s delivered forty-one babies, including the Shifter Wanker’s twins.” Wanda was bright-eyed with pride for her friend. “She might not be a doctor, but she’s got the most medical experience of anyone in town. Let her examine you to make sure there isn’t anything else wrong.”

I looked at my besties. One by one, they nodded their agreement. “Fine. But only if someone brews a pot of coffee. I’m in desperate need of caffeine.”

Wanda glanced at DeeDee. “I’ll get the coffee on. You examine the guests.”

The hazel-eyed beauty nodded. “If you think that’s a good idea. Maybe we should wait for the wanker.”

“No. We need to make sure they have no magic curses on them.”

I turned my focus on DeeDee as she started with Ruth, doing a head to hoof assessment. “You seem fine. No wounds and I don’t see any magic wards that would keep you from transforming.”

Next, she picked Willy up. My red-headed friend had a temper to match her fiery hair. She hissed at being placed on the counter like a pet. “Give a girl some warning, why don’t you?”

DeeDee checked Willy’s eyes, her teeth, felt down her back and stomach, then under her tail. The last earned the raccoon alpha’s wife another hiss.

“How far along are you?” DeeDee asked.

“What are you talking about?” Willy said.

“Your pregnancy.”

“I’m not pregnant?” Willy sat on her haunches. “I can’t be, can I?”

“You are definitely with child.”

“Oh, Willy! I’m so happy for you and Brady.” I rushed the counter and threw my arms around her.

I caught a glimpse of Chav. Her shoulders slumped as she blinked rapidly for a second. She settled, forcing her eyes wide. “Congratulations, Willy,” she said. “That’s wonderful news.”

“My land,” Ruth exclaimed. Her hooves clattered on the hard-tiled floor. “I’m so excited.” She peed a little. “Whoops. Bladder control gets tenuous after nine kids.” She turned her focus back to Willy. “This is sudden. Will you and Brady move of the wedding date? I can make all the calls to get the venue moved up when we get home—” Ruth dropped her chin. “I... We will get home. Does Brady know about the baby?”

Willy squirmed away from me and jumped down to the tiled floor. “I didn’t even know about the baby, for fuck’s sake. Do you really think I would’ve drank seven margaritas and three fireballs last night if I knew I was pregnant? Jesus H. Christ, I’ve probably pickled the kid.” She clicked her nails. “You.” She glared at DeeDee. “Doula. Is there any way to tell if I’ve damaged the tiny alien growing inside me?”

DeeDee ignored Willy. “The good news is the bobcat and the deer can turn back to human, at least I think so. I don’t sense anything keeping them as animals.”

“So, why can we talk?” Ruth asked.

DeeDee shook her head. “That’s above my pay grade.”

Kurt grumbled something.

“What did you say?”

“I said maybe we could ask Bermangoggleshitz.”

I’d heard that name the night before. “Three cats we ran into last night said something about him. Who is this guy?”

“He’s an evil warlock with giant horns and smells like the town’s lagoon,” Wanda said. “Not a nice person, and I vote we don’t ask him anything.” She gave her husband a pleading look. “Do it for Little Bo. We don’t want to expose our son to Bermangoggleshitz if we can help it.”

“He’s Sassy’s father, and he’s promised to try to be less evil. Besides, he’s our only magical option right now. Unless you want to be the one to call Zelda.”

“No,” Wanda answered quickly. “Bermangoggleshitz is the right choice.”

Kurt looked at me. “Zelda threatened to neuter and spay all of us if we bothered her and Mac on their family vacation.”

His sober expression and Wanda’s nervous eye tick told me they believed this Zelda would make good on her promise.

I didn’t believe evil warlocks with horns and stuff existed, but until three years ago, I hadn’t believed therianthropes existed either. However, if he did exist, I was happy to never meet him. “I vote we only involve the evil dude as a last result.”

Chapter Six

“The statue is missing!” Bob, the stout man we’d met on the town square the night before, shouted. “It’s gone!” His thick round face was red in color and beaded with sweat. He was followed by Roger the therapist, and the four chipmunks, who were in their chipmunk bodies, and the three talking cats.

“Oh, dear,” Wanda said.

Kurt had a more colorful vocabulary. “This shit shouldn’t be fucking happening.”

I think the stress of being temporary king was getting to him. “The bear with the missing face?”

“Yes,” Roger exclaimed. “That one. What are we going to do? I need my nads.” Absently, he put his hands over his groin.

I’d seen the statue in my vision, which meant, I could probably see it again but did I really want to get involved? Kurt and Wanda’s worried expressions made my mind up for me. “I’m a psychic,” I said.

Fat Bastard, Jango Fett, and Boba Fett laughed and pointed fingers at me.

“Sure, sweetheart,” Fat Bastard said. “And I’m Frank Sinatra.”

“Does anyone have the number for the pound?”

Jango Fett snickered. “Your parents did a lot of drugs, didn’t they...Ambrosia Sunshine.” He drew out my name like it was a revelation. However, he wasn’t wrong.

I shrugged. My parents lived like hippies, including all the psychedelics and such.

Chavvah, who’d outed my name to the town the night before, postured, her hackles raising up on her ginormous neck. She growled. “Cool it, tabbies.”

“We’re not afraid of you, sweet cheeks,” Fat Bastard said. “When your witch is the next in line to be the leader of all the witches, you don’t have to be scared of nothin’. She’ll fry your ass once we tell her you threatened us.”

“It’s hard to tell on someone when you don’t have a head,” Chav countered.

This was escalating quickly. “Ooookay. Let’s all take a breath here. Chav, I can defend myself. I don’t need you eating everyone who laughs at me. Hell, you’d have to eat ninety percent of the people we know, and if you did that, you’d never be able to fit into that beautiful wedding dress we bought over in Lake Ozarks.” I wrinkled my brow. “Hey, how come I can remember Lake Ozarks, but I can’t remember...nope, still can’t remember. Son of a biscuit eater.”

“Such a mouth.” Jango Fett snorted. “So tough.”

“I can cuss like a sailor, fur-face, but I’m a momma now, and I’m trying to be better for my kids.” My eyes welled with tears as the cherub faces of Jude and Dawn popped into my head. I had to find a way to get back to my family. I had to find a way for all of us. “Look. I know you all are afraid of this Zelda woman, so you might as well let me help. I’m either who I say I am, a psychic, and in that case, you might get a lead on your missing mutilated bear. Or,” I said, “I’m a lunatic, but either way, you have nothing to lose.”

“Except their nuts,” Willy said.

I giggled. Because, well, you know. Funny.

****

Bob hadn’t been exaggerating. The statue was gone. There wasn’t even a crumb lying around. Whoever took it managed to take the base as well.

“That thing had to weigh at least a ton,” Willy said.

Chavvah sniffed the area. “There are too many different scents to discern anyone in particular. Peculiarly, though, I don’t smell any residue from the fire.”

Ruth stood a few feet away and scanned the area. Ruth didn’t have the nose of a wolf or Willy’s background in law enforcement, but she was excellent at reading folks. Ruth could nail down someone’s character with minimal information.

Half the town had come out of their homes now, all of them chattering excitedly about their missing monument. Chav gave me a nudge. “You’re up.”

“Awesome.” I stepped into the empty space.

DeeDee, Wanda, and Kurt watched with rapt interest. Bob and Roger kept adjusting their junk every few seconds. Sheesh, I couldn’t imagine just how powerful someone would have to be to scare the bejeezus out of a town full of Shifters, and I certainly didn’t want to find out first hand. I hoped like hell we got out of this town before she came back from her vacation.

I knelt where the statue had been standing the night before. I placed my palms on the ground and tilted my head back. In my vision, I’d been in this same position. I remembered the feeling of elation that came with freedom and power.

“Anything,” Chav asked.

“Nope. Nothing yet.” Damn it. My ability tended to pick the worst times to go on the blink. “I think I need to touch someone from town. Someone who has been in contact with statue recently.” I looked over at Wanda, DeeDee, and Kurt. They had all been there last night trying to put out the fire.

DeeDee shook her head. “I don’t think I’d be much help.”

“I climbed it last night after everyone left to make sure it was okay when the fire went out,” Chad the chipmunk said, once again bare-assed naked, his short and curlies blowing in the morning breeze. I hadn’t seen him change into his man body.

I nodded to him. “Can you join me in the circle?”

“Don’tdoitChadwhatifshestrickingyoulikeBermangoggleshitzdidyouknowmommysaysnottotruststrangers!” the one named Chunk rambled out in one breath.

Kurt walked over to Chunk and grasped the chipmunk’s shoulder in a reassuring way. “I’ll vouch for Sunny. If something goes wrong, Sassy can blame me.”

“Idon’twanthertoscrambleyourbrains,” Chunk wheezed.

“Me either,” said Kurt. “That’s how you know that Sunny is okay. Otherwise, I wouldn’t take the chance.”

Okay, apparently, the chipmunk’s mommy was one scary bi-otch, too. I held out my hand to Chad while averting my eyes away from his junk. He hesitated with a brief look over to his brothers, then reached out and took mine into his.

My face tingled, and my peripheral vision dimmed.

Fuuuuuuuuck! I push my hand out, and once again, I feel the fabric of space ripping. I can’t leave this place. The original spell won’t let me. I can only go about a mile outside of town before I feel the other place trying to pull me back. I’m trapped like a rat on a sinking ship of fucking rats in a rat-infested sea of rat shit. Why is this happening? My powers are back, but I’m no freer than I’d been before.

I pop myself back to town. I am once again staring up at that goddess-damned bear. Ahhhhh!

I want to blow the fucker up with all my might, and BOOM! My magic explodes out of me, flames consuming the freaking thing. Cement shouldn’t burn, but that sucker looks like a vampire meeting a match. I hit it again, hoping to blow out the fire, but instead, I ignite it higher.

Shit shit shit! I have to hide. Blend in until I can find a way to siphon more power. I don’t want to have to kill anyone, but I will if it means I can finally be free. I just need to stay hidden until I’m ready. If Hildy finds out I’m back in town, I’m toast.

I gasp and inhale as I let go of Chad’s hand. “Someone is in your town. Someone dangerous. She’s hiding. I don’t know where, but she’s dangerous as all get out. And she’s worried about someone named Hildy.”

Wanda shook her head. “That’s impossible.”

“I know what I know,” I said, trying to shake the memory of volatile magic coursing through my veins.

“And I know,” Wanda said with force. “Hildy is dead.”

Chapter Seven

“So, tell me again about what you saw in your vision,” Wanda said, handing me a cup of coffee. She and DeeDee had taken us to their diner. Half the town filled the other tables in the place. DeeDee had been right. The inside was way more impressive than the outside.

“You are an angel,” I told Wanda. “An absolute goddess.”

She smiled. “Don’t let the goddess hear you say that. She doesn’t like competition.”

“I think that fortune teller must have been a witch. From the way you describe them, it has to be her.”

“Why does her name seem so familiar?” Willy said. “I thought it last night, but I can’t quite put my claw on it.”

“Har har,” I said. “Jane Tennison sounds like a pretty ordinary name to me.”

DeeDee brought burnt toast and hard scrambled eggs to the table.

“Uhm, thanks.” Maybe the people around here liked food cooked badly.

“I’m sorry,” DeeDee said. “I’m having an off day.”

“No kidding.” Wanda gave her friend a sympathetic look and took the plates back from us. “I’ll fix you guys a proper meal.”

Roger the Therapist, who sat at the table next to us, leaned over. “Tell us about where you’re from.”

“It’s a sweet little town. Everyone there is a therianthrope, aside from me, of course. It’s in a beautiful out of the way area in the Ozarks. Only one way in and one way out.” I frowned. “I don’t know why I can remember everything but the name.”

“It sounds nice,” Bob said. “Do you all have any community theater?”

“We do,” I told him. “I just directed Hamlet at our first annual Shakespeare night. We had to postpone it for a couple of months after the actress playing Hamlet’s mom was killed, mostly because she was the one paying for everything, but we finally got it done.”

“You’re a director?” Bob asked. “I’m a writer. I write all the play for our community theater. We should really talk about—”

The front door flew open. “Where is she?” a voice with a heavy British accent boomed. “Where is Helen Mirren?”

“The actress?” Ruth asked.

“No!” The voice, it turned out, was attached to a small white cat with great big ears. “Helen Mirren, the witch. My witch to be exact. She’s been missing for fifty years, but last night I felt her return.”

I looked around to see if anyone was less confused than I was, but nope, it seemed befuddlement was on the menu, and everyone had ordered a slice.

“My God,” Willy exclaimed. “That’s it. Jane Tennison.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Brady loves watching PBS.”

I raised a brow.

The bobcat quirked her head. “It’s his thing. Don’t knock it. Anyways, he loves Masterpiece Mysteries, and one of the regular shows is Prime Suspect.”

I wasn’t less confused. Not at all. “I still don’t get it.”

“DCI Jane Tennison,” Willy said. “That’s the main character, and she’s played by...” when no one answered, Willy rolled her eyes. “Helen Mirren.”

“Oh.” I still didn’t get where she was going with it. Unless... “Are you saying that the witch, not the actress, Helen Mirren was masquerading as the fortune teller Jane Tennison?”

“Yes,” Willy said. “Although it sounded less crazy in my head.”

“Well, crazy seems to be the soup de jour.” I looked at the cat. “Hey, Big Ears, tell us about Helen the witch and why you think she’s in Assjacket.”

“Firstly, my name is Reginald, not Big Ears, and secondly, if you had any sort of decent education, you’d know I was a Devon Rex, a rare breed of familiar, highly sought after by witches everywhere.”

“So much so, your own witch ditched you,” Willy said.

Reginald hissed at Willy. She hissed back, and since she was bigger and scarier, he backed down first. “Just tell me where she is.”

I looked around the room. “Anyone know a witch named Helen?”

A large woman with black hair and beautiful green eyes stood up. “I remember Helen Mirren.” She shivered and rubbed her arms. “Those were dark days, dark, dark days.”

“I remember her, too,” a man said. “She was a friend of Hildy, the previous Shifter Wanker.”

“She was no friend to Hildy,” DeeDee said.

“You didn’t even know Hildy,” Wanda said. “Why are you acting so strange?”

“I don’t know,” DeeDee said. “Ever since these strangers have arrived, I haven’t felt like myself.”

Wanda shoulder hugged the deer Shifter. “It’s probably a byproduct of the witch’s magic. Whatever she did that brought poor Sunny and her friends to our town is probably messing with you as well. You’ve always been sensitive.”

“That’s most likely the case,” DeeDee said.

The large woman approached us. “I’m Lena. I remember Helen. She’d come to town to learn healing magic from Hildy. Problem was, even though she’d been born a healer witch, she didn’t have a talent for it. My cousin Chuck, who has moved on his Next Adventure,” when I gave her a confused look, she said, “he died.”

“Oh, sorry for your loss.”

Lena gave me a tight-lipped smiled. “Thank you. Anyways, Chuck told me that Helen was envious of Hildy. She even tried to kiss him to make Hildy jealous.”

A gasp rang out in the diner. I guess the kiss-stealing moment had been a well-kept secret.

“Did it work?”

“Nope. And that’s when things got really bad. Helen tried to take Hildy’s power with a dark spell.”

“Oooooo,” the townsfolk said in unison.

I noticed they’d all turned toward Lena and were held rapt by her story.

“So, what happened then?” I asked.

“Well, Hildy reported the incident to Baba Yaga, of course, but before she could collect Helen and haul her butt off to Witch Jail in Salem, Helen disappeared.” She held up her hands and wiggled her fingers. “Poof. Gone. Not even Baba Yaga’s best trackers could find her, and believe me, when Baba Yaga wants you found you get found. I always assumed she died as a result of a spell gone wrong.”

“She’s not dead,” Reginald said. “Although, you’re right about her disappearing. For the last three and a half decades, it has felt as if my mistress never existed, then last night, my whole body tingled with our connection.” His expression soured. “One minute I was sipping a Pina Colada on a beach in Bora Bora, and the next thing you know, I was summoned. How I ended back in this cesspool of a town is beyond my comprehension.”

“What does your witch look like?”

“She’ll have red hair,” Wanda said. “All the healer witches are born with red hair.”

“Helen’s is more strawberry-blonde,” Reginald corrected.

“Probably why she sucked,” Willy, who was a true red-head, said.

At some point, Jango Fett must have left, because he busted into the diner with as much theatrical drama as Reginald. “The wrap around porch at Zelda’s house,” he shouted. “It’s disappeared. Gone. Vanished. As in, it doesn’t fucking exist!”

The entire diner of people groaned. Several men clutched their jewels, and the women pressed their ovaries.

I met Wanda’s worried gaze. “Would you like me to take a look at this missing porch. See if I can get another vision?”

“Yes, please.”

Chapter Eight

The white Victorian looked positively naked as a big brown area of dirt surrounded the house like a moat. Just outside the moat was a yard full of colorful wildflowers that, in different circumstances, would have made the place quite beautiful.

Chav managed a whistle. “That’s messed up.”

“You’re telling me.” Exposed nails and missing siding outlined where the roof to the porch had been. Cinder blocks lined the base of the house. “Is it like this all the way around the entire place?”

“Yeah,” Jango said. “I’d gone home for a, well, you know, nature called. I walked into the house. It was fine. I walked out, and it was no longer fine. Zelda is going to run me over with her car.”

“She wouldn’t do that,” I said reassuringly.

“She ran over her own father,” Jango cried out. “Of course, she would do it!”

Wanda clucked her tongue. “In Zelda’s defense, she hadn’t meant to run him over, and she paid the cost. She had to spend six months in Witch Jail.”

“Yikes.” This Zelda sounded like a real character. We needed to figure out what was going on ASAP, so we could get the heck out of Dodge before the sheriff got home. “I should get started.” I stared down at Jango. The calico let out a low rumble of despair. “You,” I said. “You were the last one to touch the porch, so it might be helpful if I could touch you while I try to get a vision.”

“Ooooh, Jango,” Boba Fett said. “She’s hot for you. Sunny wants to tickle your whiskers.”

“Keep it up, and I’ll walk away. Then you can explain to your Shifter Wanker why she no longer has part of her house.”

“Let the broad get on with her work, boys,” Fat Bastard said.

Jango jumped into my arms, and I had to scramble not to drop him. “You have to weigh fifty pounds,” I told him.

He smiled, flashing his little pointy teeth. “Yeah, I’m the skinny one. Lucky you.”

Fall leaves fell from the large trees looming over the yard. A cool breeze whispered over my skin, raising goosebumps on my arms and legs. I needed warmer clothing than a body-con mini dress. “Do you all have a Walmart?”

“A Wal-who?”

I sighed. Heavily. “That will be a no then.” I shook my head. “Let’s just get this over with.”

I walked over to where the porch stood and pressed my feet into the dirt. Nothing.

“I need more of a focus,” I said. “It feels like nothing was ever here.”

“That’s how it felt when Helen disappeared,” Reginald, who’d followed us over, said. “Like she was never there.” He paced back and forth, his skinny, white tail standing straight up and crooked a little at the top. “But she’s definitely here now.”

“Can you hone in on her?” Chav asked.

“I’m not Google maps,” Reginald said. “But I do sense her near.” He darted his eyes back and forth. “It’s as if she watching us right now.”

I looked around. Bob, Kurt, Wanda, DeeDee, Roger, Chunk, Chad, Chutney, and Chip, plus the four cats, and half the town, but I didn’t see a strawberry-blonde witch in the bunch.

Absently, I stroked Jango Fett’s belly. “I’m not getting...” My tongue went numb, and my sight grew fuzzy.

Oh crap, oh shit, oh Goddess. This is worse than not being able to leave this goddess-awful place.

I am in a blue room with a flat-screen television on the wall and a mauve couch.

What have I done? I should have just fucking stayed where I was. I think I’ve torn the fabric of space, and if I can’t figure it out, I’ll end up back in that magicless-fucking place, and all of Assjacket will end up there with me. I look down at the bound woman squirming at my feet. She can’t say anything because I’ve shoved a gag in her mouth, but she stares up at me with her large, hazel eyes.

“If I can’t figure this out,” I tell her, “neither one of us is getting out of her unscathed.”

I drop Jango Fett on the ground, and he lands with a loud and angry meow!

I look at DeeDee. “You’re in danger,” I tell her. “The witch. I saw her with you.”

“What did you see?” the deer shifter asked, clear alarm on her face.

“For some reason, she targets you. You have to keep yourself safe.”

“Always travel in packs of two,” Chip said.

“Even when you’re going poo,” Chad added.

“There is safety in numbers,” Chunk sang out.

“Even in slumbers,” Chip went again.

“Walkalonediealoneit’sboundtohappenandifyouwalkalonediealonemommagonnagettoslappen.”

Chad smiled. “It’s a rhyme our mom taught us, so we remember to never do anything alone.”

“That’s sweet,” Ruth said.

Willy rolled her bobcat eyes. “Those naked fools are idiots, but they’re not wrong. DeeDee, you should stay next to someone at all times. Sunny’s visions are reliable.”

I flashed Willy a smile. “Thanks.”

Chav trotted over to me. “You okay?”

“I have a whopper of a headache, but I’m fine.”

“We should go back to the diner,” Wanda said. She took DeeDee’s hand. “Like the boys said, there is safety in numbers, and with things disappearing around Assjacket, I think it’s time we call in the big guns.” She looked at her husband. “Don’t you agree, Kurt?”

The raccoon alpha nodded. “Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re going to be able to handle whatever magic is happening here without her.”

The three house cats nodded their heads. “It’s time,” Fat Bastard said.

I could feel my butt cheeks tighten at the thought of meeting this Shifter Wanker. On one hand, excitement and intrigue. On the other hand, possible death and dismemberment. It was a roller coaster of emotions.

A woman with fiery-red hair that rivaled Willy’s, you know, when she wasn’t a bobcat, materialized in the in the center of the crowd holding a baby boy on one hip and eating a powdered donut. White sugar caked her lips as she looked at the gathered group.

“What the ever-loving fuckity-fuck-fuck is happening here?” Her gaze went past the naked chipmunk Shifters and landed on naked Victorian. Her eyes widened in horror. “Sweet Goddess on a two-day bender, I’m going cut some nutsacks if someone doesn’t tell me exactly what the hell is going on.” Sparks flew from her fingertips. “Don’t make me start zapping some asses.”

I cleared my throat. Chav whacked me with her tail. “Uhm, your, uh, what the hell am I am supposed to call you?” I asked with as much respect as I could muster. “Shifter Wanker seems really strange. Peculiar, even.”

“Why don’t we start with who you are,” more sparks flew, “and why you dismantled my home.”

I pointed to my chest. “Me?” I barely dodged a bolt a fire she launched in my direction. Chav, Ruth, and Willy had all scattered out of the way as well. “Wait!” I shouted before she could try again.

“The first shot was a warning,” the red-head said. “The next one will zap your ass to kingdom come.”

“Zelda,” Fat Bastard said. “It wasn’t Sunny.”

She looked up at the gray, cloudy sky. “I can see it’s not sunny,” she said. “What does that have to do with the price of knockoffs in Malaysia?”

“The blonde chick. She’s Sunny. She and her pals aren’t the culprits of this here porch heist.”

Zelda clenched her fist. The baby on her hip giggled. “I’m sorry, Henry. Mommy gets cranky when she’s yanked away from a perfectly nice vacation.” She looked at me. “Mac is not going to be happy. I promised him two weeks without any witchy business.”

She took a bite of her donut then spit it out. “Yuck. Charred. Damn it!”

Henry’s lower lip jutted out and my boobs instantly hurt.

“Ow,” I said, smooshing them down.

Zelda raised her brow at me.

“I just weaned my youngest, but I still get the sensation that my milk is dropping every time I’m around babies.”

“Yikes,” Zelda said. “Is that what I have to look forward to?” She stared down at her amazing breasts. “No.” She shook her head as she bounced the boy on her hip. “Don’t distract me with your mommy talk. Tell me what’s going on in my town, and tell me quickly before I lose my shit.”

****

An hour worth of explaining later, we found ourselves in Zelda’s spacious kitchen. At least this witch knew how to properly host. She laid out more donuts that she popped in from who knows where, and she brewed a fierce cup of coffee.

“So, let me get this straight,” Zelda said. “You guys were having a girl’s weekend in Reno, you went to see a fortune teller named Jane Tennison, who was probably this witch, Helen Mirren, and the next thing you know, you’re in Assjacket, your friends are all animals, you have no recollection of where you’re from, and shit from my town is disappearing. Did I leave anything out?”

“We have plenty of recollection about our town. We just can’t remember its name.” A strange notion popped into my head. “I might be wrong, but I think...I think our town doesn’t exist. At least not in your world.”

Zelda slowly stirred her coffee as she brought her gaze up to meet mine. “Go on...”

“In my vision, this Helen, and I’m assuming it’s Helen because it’s not like she’s introduced herself to me, is elated at first. She’s happy to be back and happy to have her powers back. But then, when she tries to leave town, she can’t, because she’s being pulled back to where she came from. At first, I thought she meant Reno, but now I’m not so sure.” I looked at the Shifter Wanker. “What if the reason your Bubba Yoga—”

“Baba Yaga,” Zelda corrected, then winced as if she ate something sour.

“Yeah, her. According to Reginald, the big-eared cat—”

“Helen’s familiar,” Zelda said.

“Yeah, him. Well, according to the familiar, she disappeared off everyone’s radar, and from what I’ve been told, that’s pretty hard to do when this Baba Yaga is after you.”

Zelda took a sip of her coffee and shrugged. “True.”

“So, what if she didn’t hide in your world.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, and I’m still not one-hundred percent sure we’re not all dead, but just in case this is real, that your world is a parallel world to mine. We don’t have witches and vampires and such in our reality. And we have therianthropes who shift, but you guys have Shifters. I think the reason we can’t remember our town is because, in your reality, our town doesn’t exist.”

Ruth gasped. “I cannot live in a world where Ed and my kids don’t exist.”

Zelda stared at Ruth, her mouth slightly agape. “I can’t get used to words coming out of an animal’s mouth. You know, that aren’t familiars. It’s just too peculiar.”

“I think it’s a byproduct of our realities getting mashed together. Helen did something to us in that room in Reno. It changed us and sucked us into this world with her.”

Fat Bastard skittered across the kitchen floor. His large stomach heaved as he tried to catch his breath.

“Calm down,” Zelda said. “What’s wrong now?”

“Jango,” Fat Bastard said on a breath. “And Bobba. They’re gone. Just... gone.”

“For fuck’s sake! This is getting out of hand,” Zelda exclaimed.

A titter of hope waffled through me. I looked at Chav. “What if the things disappearing in this world are showing up in ours?”

Her dark eyes widened as what I said sunk in. “Then we could go home.”

“Yes.” I shrieked as a sharp pain pierced my butt cheek. I turned quickly to see a scorch mark surrounding a hole that had burned clean through my undies down to my skin. Zelda’s fingers were still sparking. “That was my clean pair of underwear,” I said, trying to remain calm, so the crazy witch didn’t zap me again.

“Then stop talking nonsense.”

“I don’t care whether you get back to your little Ozarky town or not if it means losing my home and my people. So, pretend you’re the little Dutch boy and help me plug this dam of leaky reality shit, or I will make sure that none of you get home.”

Chapter Nine

Once again, we were back at DeeDee’s kitchen, and I was sorely grateful I’d washed my other pair of underwear the night before. They had been red to match my outfit, so they sort of disguised the hole in the backside of my dress. Walking around in heels turned into flats had given me blisters on my blisters.

“That Zelda chick is intense,” Willy said.

“That’s the God’s honest truth,” Ruth agreed. “For a moment, I thought we were goners.”

“I don’t think she’s as bad as she acts,” Chav said.

We all glared at her.

“Don’t you dare say this is a case of a bark being worse than the bite,” I told her.

The black wolf snorted. “Would I do that?”

DeeDee cleared her throat. “So, Willy, you and Chav are getting married soon?”

“You are a ninja at changing the conversation,” I told her.

Wanda, who sat next to her friend, smiled. “There isn’t much we can do until Zelda consults Baba Yaga.” She sighed. “Frankly, we’re used to waiting until she’s ready for us to do our part. You get used to it.”

Willy jumped up on the counter. “I’m not a fan of waiting around.”

“Oh, come on now,” I said to Willy. “Tell Wanda about Brady.” I turned to the raccoon Shifter. “Willy here stole Brady’s heart. She knows how to make a coyote howl.”

Ruth and Chav snickered. Willy purred. “He knows how to make me howl,” she said.

Wanda gave us a peculiar look. “Isn’t Brady a bobcat?”

“No. He’s a werecoyote.”

“But you’re pregnant,” she said to Willy.

“If you all say so. It’s not like I’ve taken a test or anything.”

“How is that possible?”

“Well, usually it involves a penis being inserted into a vagina,” I said.

DeeDee and Chav snorted. Wanda and Willy glared at me. Ruth, as usual, ignored my jibe. Living with teenagers had made her immune to my antics.

I held up my hands. “Just trying to be helpful.”

Willy shook her furry head. “She’s not wrong.”

“But Shifters from two different species can’t mate,” Wanda protested. “It just isn’t possible.”

“Tell that to Lyla Connolly. Her daddy is a squirrel shifter, her momma is a bear. She exists.” I frowned. “At least, I hope she still exists.” Lyla was a cutie-patootie. She’d shifted into a kitten on her first full moon, making her folks very happy.”

“The bear had kittens?”

I laughed. “No, she had a baby girl who turned into a baby squirrel, and she is the sweetest squirrel in the world.”

“True story,” Chav said wistfully. “She’s one sweet baby.”

“Then it must be true. You all are from a totally different reality. In this place, Shifters never mate outside their own species.”

“Not even if they’re attracted to someone other than their own kind?”

“That wouldn’t happen.” Wanda leaned forward. “Once a Shifter finds his or her mate, they are marked by a scent that only the other can smell. It binds them together in love and marriage and mating. Forever.” She smiled. “I remember the first time I smelled Kurt. I knew I’d never want anyone else as long as I lived.”

The kitchen grew quiet. “I remember the first time I saw Babe. He was naked on the floor of my new diner. Passed out, smelling like alcohol, and...” I shook my head. Not all of that memory was nice. Turned out he’d been canoodling with a psychopath the night before, and she’d knocked his ass out with the bottle they’d been drinking. However, he had looked super hot. It was not, however, love at first sight. “Anyways, it took me a while to fall in love with him.”

“That’s not how it works with our kind.”

“I’m getting that.” I sniffled. “I miss my kids. Like all kinds of crazy bad. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t get back to them and Babe.”

Chav, Ruth, and Willy bobbed their heads in agreement.

“I’m sure Zelda will figure something out. And hopefully, no one will die in the process,” Wanda said.

Somehow, I wasn’t reassured.

“DeeDee, can you get Sunny some tissue?”

DeeDee got up and started opening cupboards one at a time. Wanda got up and opened a long door. Inside was paper towels, cleaning supplies and several boxes of tissue. She grabbed one, opened it, and handed it to me. I thanked her with a honking blow of my nose.

Willy, trying to lighten the mood, said, “When I met Brady, I thought he was the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on. He was a widow, so he was less than easy to corral, but we finally got there.” She licked her paw and rubbed it against her belly. “I have to get home. We have to get back to him.”

“Ruth, what kind of Shifter are you mated with?” Wanda asked.

“My husband Ed is a weredeer like myself. He wasn’t my first crush.” She gave Willy a meaningful look. “Brady had that honor, but he was certainly my last. We’ve been married for over twenty years now, and we have nine beautiful children.”

“You have a lot to lose,” DeeDee said.

Ruth nodded. Her lashes sweeping down in a slow blink. “I certainly do.”

“So, let me get this straight.” Willy stood up on all fours. “You guys can smell your mates. It’s distinct to only you and the person you’re supposed to be with, right?”

“That’s true,” Wanda said.

“Then how did Helen Mirren kiss Chuck the Bear. If Hildy was his mate, why would he allow Helen to get that close?”

Wanda tucked her chin in thought. “I have no idea. Chuck only had eyes for Hildy. He loved her some much he tried to kill himself several times after she died. He couldn’t live without her.”

DeeDee shook her head. “It’s a conundrum.”

“Maybe we should ask someone who was around at the time. I think we need to speak with Reginald.”

“He’s an asshole,” Willy said.

“Yes, but he’s an asshole who might hold the answers to our freedom from this place,” I countered.

****

The streets were chaos with people and animals running around chattering and shouting about things missing. Street signs, doors, furniture, even some of the people from town had disappeared. I hid my disappointment that the four of us weren’t included in the mess of things moving into our reality...if that’s what was happening.

Wanda came with us to search for Reginald. DeeDee wanted to check on the diner to make sure it was still intact. We spotted the white, big-eared familiar near the town square where the statue had gone missing.

“I know she was here,” Reginald quipped. “I can feel her power here.”

“Maybe ‘cause she blew shit up last night,” Fat Bastard said. He sounded as if he were about to explode on someone. “Now, quit telling me fuck-all and find your crazy witch before we all go poof. Because, let me tell you, if I lose anyone else, I will slice you from your throat to your butthole.” He flicked out a wicked looking claw for emphasis.

“There’s no need for violence,” Reginald said, his proper English getting stiffer by the second. “I want to find Helen as much as you do.”

“You couldn’t possibly,” Fat Bastard said.

“Yo, Reggie.” I waved at the arguing cats. “Can we have a word?”

“Not now, toots,” Fat Bastard said. “Ol’ Reggie here is helping me hunt witch.”

“I’m assuming he was here when Helen tried to use dark magic on Hildy. I just have a few questions.”

“What could you possibly want to know? You don’t even understand magic,” the English twit said. “Simpleton.” The added insult pissed me off.

Chav pounced in front of him, all seven feet of her growled as her lips curled to expose two-inch canines. “No one talks about my BFF like that unless it’s me. Get it, kitty? Keep it up, and I will eat you up and shit you out like the fertilizer you are.”

“Damn, girl, you are fierce,” Zelda said as she joined us in the square. “Go ahead. Ask Regina your questions. I’ll make sure she sticks around to answer them.”

“It’s Reginald, you cretin,” the familiar said with indignation. “I am not female.”

“You will be if you don’t answer our questions,” Zelda said.

The white cat’s throat bobbed up and down with a gulp. “What do you want to know?

“What kind of spell did Helen use on Hildy?”

He hesitated. “It was a double-fold spell.”

“And what does that mean?”

“A double fold spell is when something is mirrored or made in the image of something else,” Zelda said. “But those usually aren’t dark spells. Give us the whole truth.” Shimmering gold sparks leaped from her fingers. “Unless you want to be singing soprano.”

Reginald made a strangled sound. “She made herself in Hildy’s image. She thought if she could look like her, she could have her life.”

“But Chuck didn’t buy it,” Willy said. “Did he? He could smell that she wasn’t Hildy, couldn’t he? From what I hear, the mate bond can’t be faked.”

Zelda nodded. “It can’t be. And it can’t be broken either. Believe me. I didn’t want to be mated, but the bond gives you zero choice in the matter.” She smiled. “It does come with some unbelievably hot perks though.”

“Oh.” I put my fingers over my lips. “Oh no.”

“What?” Zelda asked.

Chavvah looked at me. “Did you get another vision?”

“Not exactly,” I said. “But I’m pretty sure I know where Helen Mirren is hiding.”

Chapter Ten

I’d taken off my shoes to keep up with running. It wasn’t just the therians and Shifters outpacing me, that freaking Zelda was a speed demon. We ran up Main Street past the hardware store, the barbershop, and the grocery store to the diner.

Zelda blew the hinges off the diner door, and Wanda yelped.

“That’s my business!”

“Sorry,” Zelda said. “Heat of the moment.”

Inside, all the tables were full of scared Shifters, and some people were huddled in the corners. “Shifter Wanker,” someone yelled. “Save us. My darling Brian disappeared this morning.”

Zelda blinked. “Where is DeeDee?” Her voice boomed with anger as rainbow sparks glittered off her like a float in a Pride Parade.

I scanned the room. I saw her chestnut hair bobbing toward the kitchen. “There!” I pointed to where she ran.

“Freeze!” Zelda bellowed. Her fingers began to twitch as everyone froze in place.

Zelda began to chant: Don’t even itch, you, stupid witch. Stand still as I break your will. You shall not pass. Or I’ll kick your sorry ass.

DeeDee slowly pivoted to face Zelda. “How?” she asked.

“Reginald told us about your little foray into Doppelganger Land,” I said. “And I remembered that you didn’t remember inviting us to stay this morning, or even where your tissue was in your own kitchen. You’ve been acting confused and blaming it on the strangeness going on in town. Mix that in with my vision of the real DeeDee all tied up, and it could only come down to one thing. You stole DeeDee’s face, just like you had with Hildy when you wanted her life.”

“That’s impossible,” Bob said. “Witches can’t Shift. It’s in the rules.”

“But she didn’t Shift,” Zelda said. “She took on DeeDee’s human appearance. She didn’t turn into a deer Shifter.”

I crossed my arms. “Very clever, indeed.”

“And you would have gotten away with it, too,” Chav said in her best Scooby-villain voice. “If it hadn’t been for a human psychic and her awesome therian friends you sucked into your vile scheme.”

“Fix your mess,” Zelda said. “Fix it now, or I’ll use your skin as new drapes.”

“Ew,” Ruth said.

DeeDee blanched.

A sudden warrior’s cry startled us all, as Wanda went flying across the diner to tackle DeeDee to the floor and started pummeling the woman. “Where is my friend, you, stupid cow? What did you do to her? I swear if you hurt DeeDee, I will pull out every hair on your body one at a time before I eviscerate you.”

“She’s alive,” the witch wearing a DeeDee suit yelled. “She’s fine.”

“Where do you have her tied up?” I asked. “I saw a blue with a pinky-purple couch.”

Wanda stopped punching the doppelganger. “That’s DeeDee’s basement.” She got up and took off out of the diner in a sprint.

Zelda nodded. “That’s one mystery solved. Now, Helen. Undo what you’ve done.”

****

“I can’t undo the spellwork,” the strawberry-blonde witch said. She’d changed herself back to her normal appearance at Zelda’s insistence. Zelda had said that witches couldn’t turn into Shifters, but apparently, what Helen had done was use dark magic to turn a makeup glamour into something more substantial. It was weird looking at her in her real body. She was tall, leggy, and had boobs that could grace the pages of Plastic Surgery Monthly. “I’ve told you that a hundred times. I used a different kind of magic to get me here from the other reality, and it doesn’t work in this world. I’ve tried. Believe me. I’ve tried.”

“When Baba Yaga gets here, your ass is grass,” Zelda said.

“I want to go home,” I whined. “This town isn’t even a nice place to visit. I certainly don’t want to live here.”

“That’s fair,” said Zelda. “It hurts a little, but it’s fair.”

“Why Jane Tennison?” Willy asked. “Why that name?”

“I got tired of saying, ‘no, not Helen Mirren, the actress.’ Do you know how tedious that is in your celebrity obsessed world? I figured taking the name Jane Tennison was only fair since Dame Mirren had made our name a household staple. It was a protest, of a sort.”

“Lame,” Zelda said.

“This is getting us nowhere,” I said. “If this isn’t fixed, we will all lose.”

Just then, two handsome men, the first, a very tall and muscular dude was holding a baby girl, and a gorgeous blonde woman who looked like she took her fashion cues for 80s Madonna popped into the kitchen.

“Sunny, Chavvah, Ruth, and Willy, meet my mate Mac, our daughter Audrey, Fabdudio, my dad, and Baba Ganush.” She gestured to us. “Family meet the gang from other-Earth.” She stood up and smacked the paralyzed Helen in the back of the head. “And this is Helen Stinkypants. Currently, the bane of my existence.” She rested her elbow on her center island and placed her chin in the palm of her hand. She looked at the blonde and said, “So what’s the plan?”

“We let Helen go,” Baba Yaga said without fanfare.

“No!” I cried out. “She has to fix this. We can’t stay here.”

The blonde woman smiled, then adjusted her Borderline black-lace bow. “Letting her go, will fix this. Helen has to return to your reality. It’s the only way to reverse the mix of our worlds.”

“Will we turn back into your human selves again?” Willy asked. “I’m getting married soon.”

“Ditto that,” Chav added.

Baba Yaga gave Chavvah an interested look. “I’ve never seen anything like you before. I wish I had time to study you.”

“Like a lab experiment. No, thanks.” She shook her great head side to side. “Like Willy, I have a wedding to get ready for.”

“Then you all are in luck,” Baba Yaga said. “I will strip Helen of her magic, and we’ll have to shove her into your world. Everything that came with her should go right back.” She smiled. “Including you.”

“And my people?” Mac asked.

“They should return here.”

Fabdudio took Baba Yaga’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Carol will make this right,” he assured us.

“Then let’s do this.”

Helen moaned. “Nooooooooooooooooooooo.”

“Shut up, Helen Mirren,” Chav, Ruth, Willy, and I said simultaneously.

“It’s unanimous,” Zelda said. “Zip it, witch.” She wiggled her fingers, and Helen’s mouth clamped shut. She smiled at us. “Let’s get you guys home.”

****

The entire town, what was left, joined us on the outskirts of town, just past the sign welcoming folks to Assjacket. I hugged Wanda. “Thank you for all your hospitality and help.”

“You’re welcome,” she said.

I shook Kurt’s hand. “You made a good temporary king. I’m sorry we had to screw up your short reign.”

He chuckled. “I’m okay with giving up the crown.”

To DeeDee, I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were in the basement sooner. My bad.”

She smiled and nodded. “Not your fault.”

Bob and Roger stood next to each other. “It was nice meeting you guys. See you...well, never, but you know.”

Next was the four chipmunk brothers, who had walked us to our destination as animals then transformed into naked men again. “Well, scary-crows, I think I will miss you all the most. I won’t miss your dangly bits.”

“You’re not a stranger anymore, Sunny,” Chip said. And when they all moved in for the hug, I jumped away and held out my hand. “This feels more like a handshake moment.”

After we’d wrapped up our goodbyes, Zelda, Baba Yaga, and Helen were waiting for us. “You ready?” Zelda asked.

“We are.” I watched, waiting for some spectacular magic to unfold, but instead, Zelda turned Helen toward the road and gave her a hard shove. The witch stumbled forward and disappeared into a mist.

“Is that it...”

Zelda and the rest of Assjacket disappeared in a blink, and I landed with a thud on top of a round table, my hand on the fortune teller’s wrist. I let go and rolled away from her like she was on fire.

Chav stood up from her seat, Ruth and Willy cried out and hugged each other as they danced around behind me. “What just happened?” I asked.

We all stared at Helen Mirren, who now had dark hair and dark eyes and was once again in her fortune teller costume.

“Get out!” she shrieked. “All of you. Get out!”

“Hey, you owe us an apology, you stupid—” A crystal ball winged toward my head.

“I said get out!” she sobbed.

Not needing to be told thrice, we all bolted out the door and into the casino. Zelda and Carol had explained that depriving Helen of her power, even the little she’d maintained on this side of the veil, was even worse than going to Witch Jail. At least with Witch Jail, there would have been some hope of parole.

Miraculously, my shoes and my dress were now whole and nice again. My feet still freaking hurt though. I grabbed Chav’s hand. “Did all that really happen?”

“I’m thinking mass delusion,” Willy said. “At least that’s the way I’m going to tell it.”

“Do you think everyone in Assjacket returned safely?” Ruth asked.

“Let’s not ever say the name of that town again,” Chav said.

“Better not to borrow trouble,” Ruth agreed. “Maybe we should make a pact to never speak of it again.”

“Agreed.” And at that moment, our friendship was solidified even more.

“Hold on.” I rummaged my purse and pulled out my phone. Full bars and a clear signal, and hardly any time had passed since we’d walked into Madame Tennison’s salon. “I have to call, Babe.”

As I punched in the number, I heard Willy ask Ruth, “Where can I buy a pregnancy test?”

As a deep, masculine voice sleepily answered the phone. “Sunny,” he said. “You okay?”

“Hey, Babe.” Every part of me relaxed as I steeped myself in his soft, sexy tone. “I’m just missing you.”

“I miss you, too. You having a good time?”

“I’d be having a better time at home in bed with you.”

I heard the covers shuffle on his side. “Oh, yeah. Tell me about it.”

I glanced over at my therian friends with their supersonic hearing and grinned. “Later.” We said our I love yous and hung up.

“So, you all want to go to the midnight magic show?” Ruth asked.

“No!” we sang in chorus.

Ruth grinned. “Kidding.”

The End

Want more Peculiar?

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You’ve Got Tail (Book One)

My Furry Valentine (Book Two)

Thank You For Not Shifting (Book Three)

My Hairy Halloween (Book Four)

In The Midnight Howl (Book Five)

My Peculiar Road Trip (Book Six)

Furred Lines (Book Seven)

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About the Author

USA Today Bestselling Author, Renee George writes paranormal mysteries and romances because she loves all things whodunit, Otherworldly, and weird. Also, she wishes her pittie, the adorable Kona, could talk. Or at least be more like Scooby-Doo and help her unmask villains at the haunted house up the street.

When she’s not writing about mystery-solving werecougars or the adventures of a hapless psychic living among shapeshifters, she dons her superhero cape and rescues kittens. Okay, the kitten totally showed up one day, and suddenly she’s got a new pet named Simon. Then another one showed up, and she ended up with another cat named Ash. She lives in Missouri with her family and spends her non-writing time doing really cool stuff...like watching TV and cleaning up dog poop.