Pup Pastry

By

Devyn Morgan

Copyright © 2016 by Devyn Morgan

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

BLURB

Jack

Focused on the success of his bustling veterinary clinic, Jack has given up on trying to find the man of his dreams.  Little did he know a black lab puppy with an affinity for chewing up socks would bring him exactly what he needed. 

Russell

Russell is a trained baker with an adorable black lab puppy named Crusoe.  Unexpectedly he wakes up to a sick pup that needs tending to.  What starts as a day of stress and worry quickly turns into a chance meeting that just might change his life.  He’s had a string of bad relationships and he’s sworn off men, but there’s something about Jack the veterinarian that has him changing his mind. 

Neither man has ever felt a connection this strong, but could a simple misunderstanding ruin their chance at love forever?

Pup Pastry is a gay standalone romance with a HEA and explicit scenes.

Chapter 1 – Jack

“What’s the schedule looking like?” I asked the receptionist as I entered the office for the morning.  Miss Ponderosa sat behind her desk, always on time, always one step ahead of me, and always impeccably dressed.  I listened for a moment as her manicured cotton candy pink nails clicked on the keyboard.

“It’s looking pretty full,” she offered as she used the mouse to scroll down the screen.  “Yep, it’s definitely going to be a busy day for you.  Hope you brought a lunch.”

“For once I remembered!” I said as I held up a brown paper sack containing a half-assed ham sandwich on white bread and an apple.  I had never been good about preparing my lunch ahead of time but as the veterinary office became busier and busier it had become necessary for me to learn.  The days of leaving to grab a quick bite somewhere were over.

I had begun working at All Creatures Veterinary Clinic as a young and enthusiastic intern.  I was only twenty-two, and at the time the clinic was run by an elderly gentleman named Ron Wilder.  Ron had started the clinic himself after he had retired from a vet’s office in Seattle.  He had thought he was done with the world of vaccinations, neuters, spays, and euthanasia.  What he quickly realized was, he lived to help animals, and without a practice he was left feeling lonely and useless.

To solve his woes, he opened All Creatures and began seeing pets again.  Any and all pets were welcome, none too small or too large.  He would do whatever he could to help and that included going easy on the cost.  Ron understood that many households put off taking their pets to the vet because of the pinch it brought their pocketbooks so he made it a point to only charge what he had to and that he would always go above and beyond to help.  This meant that the clinic flourished even if his wallet didn’t.  But what was more important to him than money was the intense feeling of fulfillment he felt growing in his heart.  His life had meaning again and he was proud to offer his services to anyone that needed them.  He felt whole.

I worked with him for two years before his health began to get the better of him.  I had only planned to stay on as an intern for six months, but when I saw how much he cared and how knowledgeable he was, I knew I needed to convince him to let me stay.  It took a bit of doing, but as the business grew busier he recognized that he could use an extra hand or two and agreed to take me on full time.  The pay wasn’t the best, but it was worth it to get to work with such a kind and generous man. 

It was sad to watch him slowly fading.  He had been spry and upbeat when my work first began but over the next year and a half I watched as he withered.  Finally it became obvious that he wasn’t up to the work any longer.  I did my best to help him along with his tasks each day but eventually it was too much for me as well.  He recognized that his time had come and he left the clinic in my hands.  He said he trusted me to run the office as he had – with an open heart.  When he passed a year later, I was unsurprised when he left the entire business to me.  I had always done my best to continue running All Creatures to his standards and I think he appreciated and recognized my efforts.  Now the business is all mine but I still run it as if he were here beside me every day.

“Earth to Jack,” Miss Ponderosa called from her perch on her swivel chair. 

“Oh sorry, was just…was just thinking back to how this place began,” I said shaking the thoughts from my head.

“You really miss him huh?” she asked as she pushed her cat eye glasses back up the brim of her nose.

“More than I ever thought I would.”

“We all do.  He was truly somethin’,” she said with a forced smile.  Her lips tensed and made the motions but there was sadness within.  She paused and then perked up, “But hey, you’re learning, you got your lunch today!”

“That’s true, at least I won’t starve while I’m trying to live up to Ron’s memory.”

“Bless your heart.  You don’t have anything to live up to honey, you’re doing just great all on your own.  Every single visitor talks about how wonderful you are.  Plus,” she said dropping to a whisper, “I think a few of the ladies think you’re quite the looker.”  Her cheeks flushed a bright rose pink and she grinned before adding, “At least that’s what it sounds like from what I overhear out here.”

“Don’t you go trying to set me up,” I commented with a laugh as I narrowed my eyes and pretended to give her a dirty look.  Just as I was about to add to the conversation there was a light tinkling sound of a bell as the first visitor of the day came through the door.  “Guess I better get to work,” I said with a grimace as I turned to watch the disheveled lady try and pull her purse and her oversized cat carrier through the door.  I was about to step forward to help but before I could move she had managed to pull her purse free from where it had snagged on the door handle and she came barreling up to reception.  I stepped back as her entire torso heaved over the counter and the carrier banged loudly into the lower portion of Miss Ponderosa’s desk.

“Right.  I’m out of here,” I said with a quick smile before disappearing into the back room.  I felt a slight tinge of guilt about leaving her with the crazy cat lady but it was Ponderosa’s job to deal with the visitors and saying that she was a pro at handling the less-than-together ones would be an understatement.  They seemed to be her specialty.  They might come in a frantic mess but by the time they were finished at her desk they were telling her how wonderful she was.  I never understood how she did it.

I grinned to myself as I made my way to the small bank of lockers that we kept for all the staff.  They were small like the ones found in high schools but afforded everyone their own bit of personal space where they could store gym bags or other random items.  Mine stayed fairly empty save for an extra lab coat or two.  Today it would get to hold my sad excuse of a lunch.  I inserted the plain brown paper bag and then closed the door again.  There was a place for a lock, for privacy and safety I suppose, but here in my clinic I never felt that sort of thing was necessary so I left mine unlocked.  Who would want to steal a lab coat and an apple anyway?

I retreated to my office where my desk sat covered in the paperwork I kept neglecting.  I brushed some of the pages aside and waited for the call that the messy woman with her cat was ready to be seen.  I slouched in the chair and starred lazily at the stack of bills and order forms.  Someday I would have to get around to cleaning everything up. Putting it off some more seemed like a good idea until I decided that I might as well take a little bit of time and do some of it now while I waited.  Back before my father passed away he had been an accountant and if he’d seen this mess he’d be rolling over in his grave.

I considered my dad for a moment and then began to sort through the papers.  I decided on a plan of separating the bills from the invoices.  I made two piles and figured once those piles were sorted that I could then begin to file them away into the folders in my desk.  As I shuffled and organized I thought back to Ponderosa’s comment about the women visitors finding me attractive.  I grinned and snickered to myself when I considered what they would think if they knew they truth – that I’m not attracted to women at all.

I was a bit of a slow bloomer when it came to accepting that girls maybe weren’t quite my bag.  For years I had tried to be like my friends in high school.  I would make comments about “hot girls” and would even ask a few out and attempt dates.  The trouble would arise when they wanted to take things to the next level.  We’d be sitting in the movie theater and before I knew it they would be grabbing my hand and pushing it towards areas of their bodies that I was left than familiar or comfortable with.  On more than one occasion I made up excuses about not feeling well, or a family emergency and would go barreling out of the theater before they could press my hand to their chest or kiss me.  I lived in fear that someone would find out the truth and that the entire school would know that I preferred guys. 

Klineville wasn’t a tiny country town but it was still small enough that some of the folks still leaned towards more traditional values which meant they weren’t particularly fond of those that enjoyed the same sex.  Despite the fact that times were changing and rights and marriage had come a long way, Klineville still had a community that was religious and staunch about the fact that marriage and love should be between a man and a woman.  Those that lived outside of those values had to be strong to endure the ridicule that was common.

I didn’t have my first “boyfriend” until I was twenty.  I would like to say that it had been an act of bravery or perhaps a bit of young rebelliousness, but I was still very secretive and made it a point to tell him that we had to be on the down low.  I wasn’t ready to be out and while he tried to deal with my hesitation and my worries, in the end he told me I needed to learn how to be a man and he left. 

I wish I could say that in our brief time together I had learned something, or that I was wild and adventurous with him and our bodies.  Reality is that I was so terrified that we did little more than kiss.  The first time my hand landed on his erection pushing against the zipper of his jeans I pulled it away quickly and blushed.  He tried to coax me to put my hand back and when I couldn’t he turned away, folded his arms over his chest and became angry with me.  It was never going to work between a scared closeted man and someone that was open and proud.  For a bit I think he thought he could change me and show me that it was ok but all I could focus on was the worry I felt in my heart every time I was certain we were about to be discovered.  I felt ashamed and dirty and he deserved much better than what I gave him. 

Just as I was about to shove some of the papers into the drawer and reminisce a bit further I heard the familiar buzz from my phone.  A jarring shrill zzzzzrrrppp that had me dropping the papers.  They completely missed the folder and ended up splayed across the floor.  So much for cleaning up a little. 

I slid my office chair to the far side of the desk and answered the phone.  Before I’d said a word into the receiver Miss Ponderosa was already barking her orders.  It may have sounded harsh if you weren’t used to her demeanor.  It was simply the way she spoke.  I listened despite already knowing what she was going to say.  The woman from earlier was ready, her cat Chocolate was needing to be seen. 

I told her I’d be up in a moment.  I set the phone back in its cradle and then bent to retrieve the pages from the floor.  I piled them onto the desk once more, took a deep breath and headed out to start the day one disheveled cat lady at a time.

The first woman wasn’t half as bad as I expected.  Sure her hair was in disarray, she was wearing mismatched socks, and she was frazzled, but I see that quite a bit.  People are concerned and worried about their pets and in some cases that can bring out the crazy.  My job required that I be understanding of their emotional state while still delivering the necessary news.  It turns out that the lady with the cat was named Mrs. Roundtree, and poor Chocolate, the slightly feral calico, was in bad shape.  First patient of the day, and the first euthanasia.  When days started that way, they rarely got better.

The next batch of visitors included a small puppy that was insistent on peeing on Miss Ponderosas leg requiring her to rush home and get another pair of shoes.  This meant I had to release one of the interns to watch the front desk and clean up the remainder of the mess on the floor.  Accidents from animals are hardly unheard of, especially when they’re being brought to an unusual and scary place, often not feeling well...but, dogs peeing on Miss Ponderosa was becoming a regular occurrence.  Before she left I suggested that she may want to start keeping a spare set of clothing and an extra set of shoes at work in her locker, and maybe reconsider her perfume.  I had no idea why the dogs kept wanting to pee on her but her fragrance was my best idea.

The rest of the day was trying and frustrating and saddening as other pets came in that had health problems that would only progress and worsen.  Those were the hardest, the ones you wanted to help but knew you could do nothing for.  They weren’t bad enough yet that euthanasia was the best solution, but you knew that they were going to get there.  I would do everything I could to ease their suffering but it was hard to see the looks on their owners faces when they realized just how bad the news was.  Sometimes they would come in thinking their dog or cat had done nothing more than twist an ankle only to find out their bodies were riddled with aggressive cancer. 

I liked my job and for the most part I appreciated that I was lucky enough to work with and help animals every day, but sometimes I thought it would be so much easier to be an accountant, a store clerk, a baker, or almost anything else.  Dealing with life and death daily is tough and it can take a toll on your soul.

Cleaning up after the last cocker spaniel I’d seen, it had managed to projectile vomit all over the exam room, I heard Ponderosa, back in her seat talking to a man with a deep voice.  I hadn’t even seen him yet and I was already imagining the man that would match a voice that smooth.  I finished cleaning and waited for the call.  This would be the last of the day and I was ready to have it done and over with.  I was longing to have a shower and a hot meal and a bit of a break.  I hoped this last pet would be an easy one since I didn’t think I could handle another heartbreaker.

A few minutes later the call came through and I was given the chart.  A teenaged black lab with some sort of intestinal distress.  I considered the options and placed a small bet in my own mind that it was likely an obstruction from the pup eating things he shouldn’t be.  Labs are notorious for chewing up and gobbling just about anything and after a while that stuff can build up in their intestines and can become a serious problem. 

I stepped into the exam room and pulled open the door.  I didn’t bother stepping out but instead called out for “Crusoe” and waited for the man to enter.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the sight of him.  Despite all of my internal betting, it seemed that I was now the one with a serious heart problem.  This six-foot Adonis stepped into the exam room and took my breath away.

Chapter 2 – Russell

The day started out like every other day, to the blaring obnoxious jarring sound of my alarm.  Bleep, bleep, bleep, each repetition growing louder and louder until I finally raised my hand and slammed it down on the off button.  Finally, peace.  I grumbled, rolled over and pulled my pillow back over my face.  How could it possibly be another day already?  Hadn’t I just gone to sleep?  Ugh.

I had recently begun a new job at the local bakery and this whole shift in my sleeping habits was killing me.  I was a night owl by nature and having to get up to go and bake at four a.m. every day was seriously cramping my style.  I knew I would adjust but for now it felt like torture every single time the alarm began to buzz.  I tried to ignore the fact that I had brought this on myself.  I had been in school for the last two years studying to do this exact job.  Baking was in my blood even if waking each morning was harder than I’d like it to be. 

I groaned and vowed that I would only sleep for five more minutes.  Five more minutes would help me feel more awake right?  Pressing my eyes closed I started to drift off only to be reminded by the scurry of tiny nails across the wood floor, that I had others I needed to take care of as well.  A few months ago I had found a small puppy wandering the streets.  I took him in and figured someone would come looking for him but no one ever came.  I didn’t have the heart to cast him away and find another home for him so without any prior planning I ended up with a boisterous new puppy.

Resigning myself to the day I flung the pillow to the other side of the bed and rolled over to stare at the ceiling.  I could feel a set of eyes on me and I glanced to the side where I found Crusoe the black lab staring right at me with a distinctly sick look on his face.  I could tell something was wrong just by the sight of him.

“Great,” I grumbled sliding my legs over the edge of the bed.  “Are you not feeling well boy?” I asked as I flicked on the lamp on my side table and glanced around the room.  There were tiny bits of vomit and a foamy like substance scattered across the floor in various piles – not a good sign.  How had all that retching not woken me up?  I’ll admit I’m a hard sleeper but dang…

I maneuvered around the room to the bathroom where I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and the trash bin.  I spent the next ten minutes wandering the house in search of all the barf that needed to be cleaned and then I grabbed the mop and quickly gave the entire place a good scrub down.

Finished with the cleaning I kneeled and looked at Crusoe.

“You doing any better?”

He looked me in the eye and whimpered.  Not a good sign.  Something was still not right.  Great, second week at the new job and I was already going to have to call in so that I could take the pupper to the vet.  Hopefully they would understand. 

I picked up the phone and then walked to the fridge where I’d posted the work number.  I hadn’t been there long enough to have it memorized yet.  I nervously punched the numbers into the handset and held it to my ear.  I dreaded hearing the voice on the other end but knew I had to get this taken care of so they could get my spot covered.

“Hello, Buttercream Bakery,” came the chipper voice of my boss. 

“Um…Hi, its Russell.  I’m calling because I have a bit of a problem.  My dog is sick and I need to take him to the vet so I don’t think I can make it in this morning.”

“Have you already spoken with the vets office?  What time are they seeing him?” she asked, her original pleasant “customer” tone suddenly replaced with irritation as I heard the metallic sound of metal pans being slammed down against the counter.  Angela, my boss, she wasn’t known for her patience.  She was a boss you tiptoed around and it only took a day to learn that you do as she says or pay the price.  I loved baking but putting up with her was a constant battle.

“I haven’t called yet, I figured I’d just take him in.”

“Which vet?” 

Jesus, this was like the Spanish Inquisition.  “I was going to take him to All Creatures, I’ve heard good things about the place.”

She laughed for a moment and then composed herself.  “Yeah, no way are you getting him in there first thing.  Everyone loves that place so they’re always slammed.  Give them a call and then call me back.  My bet is that you can come work most of your shift before they’ll see you.”  She let out a quick huff and then all I heard was the sound of a dead line.  She had hung up. 

I gave myself a minute to calm down.  I hated that her holier than though know-it-all attitude had gotten to me, but I didn’t want to end up taking that frustration out on anyone else so I took a few moments to breathe and collect myself before calling the vet. 

I found the number and called hoping that Angela had been wrong.  As the line rang I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone would even pick up yet, it was still really early and I didn’t figure the place was open yet.  On the sixth ring, when I was about to give up hope, a chipper woman answered the phone. 

“All Creatures how can I help you?”

“Hi, I was hoping to bring my dog in.  I’ve noticed there’s something wrong with him and I’d like to get him in as soon as possible.”

“Ok, give me just a moment while I look up the schedule and see what we can do.”  The line was quiet for a little bit as I listened to her typing away on her computer.  “Alright, so it looks like were booked up for most of the day but can probably fit you in around 4:00 if you would like to come in then.”

“That’s the earliest?” I asked feeling bad that Crusoe would have to wait all day.

“Sorry.  We’re a very busy office and that really is the earliest opening we have.  You’re lucky we even have that actually, had a late cancellation yesterday afternoon.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead, what else could I do?  “I’ll take it,” I said knowing I didn’t have any other options unless I wanted to take him somewhere else.  I’d heard such great things about this place though so I was reluctant to take my little guy to somewhere he’d be treated like a number.

The woman on the line took my information and said she’d see me at 4:00 before hanging up the phone. 

Turns out my crabby boss was right, but I still wasn’t comfortable leaving Crusoe by himself all day.  Chances are he’d be fine and whatever is wrong isn’t serious, but what if it is or suddenly gets worse?  There was only one possibility I could think of.  I dialed a third number and waited again for someone to pick up, this time it was my friend Liz.

“Hello?” I heard her groggy voice say on the other end.

“Hey Liz, I know its super early but by any chance are you off today?”

“Uh…yeah, why?” I could hear her rolling over in bed, most likely turning to look at her clock and roll her eyes.

“Could you do me a giant favor?  I would owe you big time.”

“Maybe.  It depends on what it is.”  I could hear the skepticism in her voice.

“Would you be willing to watch Crusoe until like…” I stopped to consider the time I would need to pick him up for the appointment.  “around 3:00 or 3:30?”

Liz immediately perked up and I could hear her voice change.  “Of course I’ll watch that adorable little ball of fur!”

“Wait…there’s more,” I said knowing this might be the deal breaker.  “He’s sick right now and I’m having to take him to the vet later.”

“Aww poor guy,” she said the frown coming through her voice.

“Yeah, I feel really bad for him.  I wanted to take him to the vet first thing but they didn’t have any appointments available until later and I don’t feel comfortable leaving him here at home all alone.”

“Ok, I’ll still watch him but if he barfs all over the place you’re going to shampoo this whole house.”

“Thank you so much!  You have no idea how grateful I am.  This is such a relief.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Uh huh, whatever,” she said teasingly.

“I’ll bring him by in about half an hour on my way to work.  Sorry to wake you up early on your day off.  Thanks again!” I said before hanging up the phone.

I spent the next few minutes on the phone with my boss and then finished getting ready.  I felt bad leaving my best bud with someone else but he always liked Liz and I knew she would take good care of him. 

Fully clothed and ready for work I carried Crusoe out to the car and we were on our way.  He watched me with sad puppy dog eyes and I could feel my heart sinking.

“I’m sorry bud, but the vet won’t see you until later and its best that I not miss work since I’m so new.  Liz is going to be great to you.  You’ll see, don’t worry.  We’ll get you all fixed up and as good as new.” I reached over and gently rubbed his head and ears. 

I almost started to cry when he started to whimper at Liz’s house.  “I’ll be back soon!” I promised him and turned my back to walk away.  It’s never easy with pets.  They can’t tell you what’s wrong so you’re never sure if you’re doing the right thing.  I only wanted to do what was best for Crusoe and I hoped that was leaving him with Liz while I went to work.

I would like to say that the day flew by but in reality it felt like it was excruciatingly long.  All I wanted to do was take care of Crusoe but instead I was busy laminating dough for croissants, and adding filling to fruit filled donuts, and making loaves of bread.  Everything felt pointless when there was something more important to be tending to. 

Somehow I managed my shift and then sped to go see Crusoe.  I figured if anything major had happened that Liz would have called me but I couldn’t help but have a sinking feeling despite the lack of an emergency phone call.  I pulled up to the curb and ran to her door.  She answered on the second knock and gave me a look that I knew wasn’t good.  Her brow was furrowed and her eyes fell to the ground.

“What?  What is it?” I asked impatiently, my stomach churning.

“He’s not doing any better.  Poor guy has been lethargic and not his regular self.  He threw up a couple more times and has just laid on the blanket I gave him.  I can’t tell what’s up with him.”

I was surprised when he didn’t rush to the door to greet me so her news wasn’t unexpected. 

“Alright…show me where he’s at.  It’s time for our vet appointment anyway,” I said with a sigh.  “I really hope it’s nothing serious and that he’s going to be ok.”

“Don’t worry,” she said placing her hand on my back in a reassuring gesture.  “I’m sure everything will be fine and they’ll get him fixed up in no time.”  She attempted a smile but fell short as she directed me towards the bedroom.  “He seemed to want to be in here so I just made him a little blanket bed and he’s lain on it ever since.”

He looked sad and it was obvious he wasn’t feeling well.  His normal perky puppy demeanor was gone and he only looked at me with his sad puppy dog eyes and whimpered.  I went to him and hoisted him into my arms.  Liz ran ahead and held open the front door.  Heading towards my car I called back to her my appreciation for her doggy babysitting and said that I would keep her updated on the results.

***

I pulled up to All Creatures Veterinary Clinic just a few minutes before our scheduled appointment time.  Turning off the car I noticed a couple with a cute elderly dachshund coming out and they had smiles on their faces.  I hoped I would be leaving with the same grin plastered across my face, but as I looked at Crusoe I couldn’t feel anything but my worry and a persistent anxiousness that was creeping in.

I walked to the passenger side of the car and picked Crusoe up from his spot in the seat and headed inside.  I spoke briefly with the woman at the desk as she made sad frowny faces at Crusoe and then punched our arrival into her computer. She placed a quick phone call and then gestured for me to take a seat in the small waiting area. 

Looking around I noticed that the entire space was lined with wooden bench seats that had been secured to the wall.  I tried to select a spot that was furthest away from everyone else.  I didn’t have the energy to chit chat or try to hold a conversation when I had other things on my mind.

I positioned myself, Crusoe still held tightly in my arms, and we waited.  We watched as some vet techs took back some of the less serious looking cases and then it was our turn.  The doors to the exam rooms were lined up side-by-side, three of them.  The vet that we were seeing poked his head out of the last door on the left and called out “Crusoe.”  I found it rather endearing that the clinic would use the pets name instead of the owner.  But what really struck me was the man himself.

I stared at him blankly for a couple of seconds before I realized it was our name he had called.  He was devastatingly handsome, and if there’s a singular thing I did not need in my life right now, it was another handsome man.  I had endured a string of relationships with dashing men, and they all equaled the same thing, selfish and ungiving.  They were the men I felt myself breaking upon.  I would give and give and they would take and take and in the end, it all amounted to the same thing – incompatibility.  Plus, all I cared about right now was getting my best friend healthy again. 

I shook my head and stood.  The few steps to the exam room felt like a mile as my head swam with worry and a desire I wanted to deny.  There was something about this man, I could feel it even without having to say a word, there was something different about him.  But in my emotional state I was in no place to make any real judgement calls, and I certainly wasn’t in a mood to pick up a new boyfriend.

The vet closed the door behind us and introduced himself.  He held out his hand, “Hi, I’m Jack, and this must be Crusoe.”  He quickly realized my hands were full of black lab puppy and dropped his hand.  Instead he leaned forward and gave Crusoe a gentle rub between his ears.  He seemed to immediately perk up.  Such a strange thing since he hadn’t gotten excited when he saw me.  I watched suspiciously and then chalked it up to good veterinary technique.  I bet all the dogs reacted that way.

“How about you go ahead and put him down on the table here so I can get a good look at him.” 

I did as he said and felt a pang of guilt as I released Crusoe onto the cold metal table.

“So, what’s going on with this little cutie,” he continued as he reached for a thermometer to take his temperature. 

I explained the situation and about how he’d never had any problems like it before.  He nodded his head, checked the gauge on the thermometer and then began to press gently on Crusoe’s belly.  He was tender in his movements and was careful not to press too hard.  Crusoe even managed to roll over onto his side thinking he was about to get some belly rubs.  Right then you’d have almost thought he was back to his old self.

“Does it seem bad?” I hazarded to ask.  It was one of those questions I didn’t want the answer to unless it was going to be good news, but needed to know either way.  Standing and waiting in limbo was killing me.

“Well, if my guess is correct it’s not good, but it could be much worse and it’s not that uncommon.”

I felt my stomach drop to my knees.

“I think he has a twisted intestine.  Does he chew up a lot of things?  Socks, furniture, anything really.”

“Yeah, he does but I figured it was because he’s still a puppy.”

“No, that’s probably true and its normal for young dogs to chew, the problem is when they swallow parts of what they’re chewing up.  Like whole socks, or other things that get lodged in their intestines.   So basically it looks like Crusoe ate something or maybe multiple things he shouldn’t have and then didn’t pass it like would normally happen.  Instead it became an obstruction and might have caused his intestine to flip causing a blockage.  I won’t know 100% for sure until we get an x-ray.”

“An intestine flipping doesn’t sound good,” I said staring at the floor.

Jack reached over and grabbed my hand in a supportive gesture.  One I wouldn’t have expected from a vet and certainly not towards another man.  Sure, comforting a woman by gently holding her hand might have been somewhat normal, but a man grabbing another man’s hand…  It did feel good to be touched and it was comforting but I couldn’t feel those things right now.

“What has to be done if it is this thing you’re saying?” I asked trying not to let my anxiety overtake me.

Jack squeezed my hand.

“It means we’d have to operate, but this is a fairly common procedure, dogs eat things they shouldn’t all the time.  There is a chance of relapse but I wouldn’t worry about that right now.  I think for now all we should do is get the x-ray so that we know for certain what we’re dealing with.”

“Ok, how long does that take?  He’s been really sick and I don’t know if he can make it a few more days.”

“I was going to head home after this appointment but it looks like Crusoe here could use a real answer.  I’ll go ahead and stay a bit extra and take care of the x-ray and then we’ll know for sure.”

“Thank you so much!” I said squeezing his hand back involuntarily.  I looked up and noticed his bright blue eyes set straight on mine, our hands still clutching.  It was as if a jolt of electricity passed through us from one to the other and we both immediately jerked our hands back.  I coughed and quickly looked away.

“Umm…uhh...so go ahead and just wait in the waiting room and I’ll take Crusoe here to the back and will get started.  It shouldn’t be too long.”

I leaned forward and patted Crusoe’s head.  “It’ll be ok buddy, I’m not going anywhere, you’ll see me again real soon,” I said leaning forward to kiss his snout.  “See you soon buddy.”

I returned to the waiting area and I sat nearly frozen in fear as I waited for the results.

Chapter 3 – Jack

I couldn’t believe I reached out and grabbed his hand.  I didn’t do that with any of the visitors that came to the clinic.  I always put forth a helpful pleasant demeanor but I rarely put my hands on anyone, and when I did it was usually a reassuring pat on the shoulder.  A manly gesture.  I did not grab hands. 

But I had.

He looked forlorn and lost and before I knew what I was doing my hand was there clutching his.  I felt his body stiffen but he didn’t pull away so I left it hoping he would think it was part of my office manner.  I didn’t know if I was fooling anyone but at that point all I could do was run with it. 

Truth was I was having trouble staying professional at all with him in the room.  He had stunned me the moment I saw him and the feeling never left.  I was shocked, literally, but the affect he had on me.  There he was worrying about his dog and looking absolutely terrified and all I could think about was wanting to hold him in my arms and take him on a date.  It was the ridiculous feelings of a teenager and I was a professional.  I did my best to stuff the feelings and perform my duties. 

I knew right away what was wrong with Crusoe, I’d seen it a million times before.  Doing the x-ray would have been necessary regardless to check where the obstruction and the flip was in his intestines but it also has a way of reassuring the owners that were doing everything we can to be absolutely certain before we do anything invasive. 

I carried the pup in my arms like the man had and took him to our x-ray machine.  He was a good boy the entire time and was patient as I poked and prodded him to get him into the best position.  After the few shots from the machine, I placed him in a cage and waited for the technician to finish with the film.  I explained that I needed it right away, got a bit of a dirty look but knew that she would comply. 

Twenty minutes later the x-ray was developed and my suspicions were founded, there right in the middle was an obstruction.  There was good news though, his intestine hadn’t flipped, it was simply blocked, this made the procedure much easier and meant that he wouldn’t have to worry about a twist again later down the road.  Unless he continued to eat things he shouldn’t…some dogs are gluttons for punishment and never learn.

I left Crusoe in the cage and went out to the waiting room.  The impact the man had on me was almost immediate.  The moment I laid eyes on him again I could feel every hair on my body standing on end.  I sighed and stepped forward ignoring the emotions that were beginning to surge through me unwarranted.

I sat next to him on the bench and held the page out before him. 

“Do you see it?” I asked when he lifted his head.

“That dark spot in the middle?”

“That’s the one.”

“This means that he needs surgery then?”

“It does, but there’s also some good news.  You know what we don’t see on the film?”

He glanced at the black and white image and squinted trying to search out what was missing.

“No, I don’t know.  I have no idea how to read these things.”

“We don’t see a twisted intestine.  If we did it would be here or here but everything looks healthy and it will stay that way if we get the obstruction out as soon as possible.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’ll need to operate on Crusoe in the morning.  It’s too late today and I don’t have the staff but he’ll be ok until tomorrow.  It should be a fairly simple operation since I won’t have to deal with any serious intestinal issues.”

He sighed and I could feel his body relaxing.  Surgery was never good news but it was better than the other news he could have received and sometimes just knowing exactly what is going on can be a relief in itself. 

“First thing in the morning?” he asked.

“First thing.  I’ll make sure that the other clients are moved over to some of the vet techs.  Your little guy will get the best care possible, I promise.”

“Can I take him home and bring him back in the morning?” he asked with a hopeful look in his eyes.

My hand shot out and landed on his thigh.  What the hell is up with my hands today?  This was not normal.  I should not be touching him at all.  Ugh and now my hand was on his thigh.  I could have died but if I pulled it back away right then it would have been obvious it was a mistake.  All I could do was let it sit. 

“You’ll have to leave him here but we do have a staff member that stays overnight to make sure that everyone is taken care of.  He’ll be in good hands.”

His hopeful look faded but he shook his head.  He understood even if he didn’t like it.

“I’m gonna miss the guy,” he said, “But I know this is best.”

“Everything will be ok,” I said as my fingers squeezed his thigh.  Holy Jesus, do I not have any control over my body anymore?  Yet he smiled, a fleeting shy smile that vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared.  I could almost think that I hadn’t seen it at all.

Eventually I removed my hand and we said our goodbyes.  I told him we’d give him a call after the surgery to let him know how everything had gone and with information on when he could pick Crusoe up. 

I couldn’t help the pinched feeling in my chest as he walked out the door, but I knew that any feelings I had for him were pointless and that I couldn’t act on them.  Plus, I was very much in the closet and still uncomfortable with letting the world know my true sexual orientation.  No, I knew I had to let this go.  Imagining I could be with a man like him was a pipedream and there was no point in dwelling.

I finished up for the evening, checked in on Crusoe one last time and headed towards the front door.  I didn’t have to worry about locking up because Miss Ponderosa handled the opening and closing.  I made a quick wave of a gesture to her as I muttered a “see ya in the morning” and was about five steps away from being free when she hollered back.

“What are you up to tonight?  Any big plans?” 

I could tell it was a continuation of the earlier conversation about how many women found me attractive.  I had no idea why she was so interested in my love life but it was beginning to get on my nerves.  I knew she meant well but some things aren’t her business.

“No, not really.  Was thinking about maybe heading over to that new brew pub and having a beer then heading home.  I’ve been wanting to check it out and it was a rough day.”

“Ooooh maybe you’ll meet some pretty girl while you’re there,” she said butting her nose in again.

I stifled the urge to roll my eyes and just said, “Yeah, you never know,” to appease her nosey insistence.

“Go get em tiger,” she said with a pump of her fist like she was sending me off to go win a championship trophy. 

“Woo…here I go,” I smiled and pretended to be optimistic as I headed out the door.  I just wanted a beer, certainly no women, and no other romantic inklings.  Just a beer.

Right.  Just a beer.

I saw him the moment I walked through the door.  The man from the vet’s office.  The one that had brought in the adorable black lab with the obstruction.  He sat alone at the bar and I was going to leave him that way.  Simply ignore him and go sit at a small table or something.  I turned to step away and avoid him, my heel an inch away from the polished gray cement floor when he lifted his hunched shoulders and looked directly at me.

“Shit,” I muttered helplessly under my breath.  His gaze held me immobile, his deep brown eyes boring into mine.  I couldn’t ignore him now, he’d seen me and he knows who I am.  If I hadn’t seen him just an hour before I could cut off the contact and write it off as just someone from work, but the accidental touching and the office visit was too recent. There was only one thing I could do.  I swiveled again and strolled up to the seat beside him. 

I tried to act casual, I tried to act normal.  Every nerve in my body was tingling and on edge.  I prayed to god that I wouldn’t involuntarily touch him again even though every cell in my body longed to.  There was nothing on this earth I wanted more than to touch him again, to feel his warm skin under my hand…to kiss him. 

I pushed the disturbing thoughts away and hoisted myself up onto the stool.  I raised my hand and ordered a local IPA from the bar tender and then turned to the man that I only knew as the owner of Crusoe.

“Hey, how’s it going?”  What a stupid question I chastised myself.  Of course, things are bad!  He’s worried about his dog.  It must be one of the worst days for him and here I was asking him “how it’s going”. 

“Ok, I guess… considering,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. 

We drank our beers and the conversation would start and stall.  I thought it seemed like we had a good report earlier but now I wasn’t so certain.  It seemed like every topic I brought up would get a one sentence answer and then nothing else.  I knew he’d had a rough day but seeing him this down was getting to me. 

“Alright, I guess I’ll leave ya to it,” I said pointing towards his beer as I began to rise from my stool.  I figured I could go find the small table I’d originally planned to be sitting at.

“No, wait, please don’t go,” he said reaching his hand out to grip my arm.  “I…it’s nice to have the company.”

“Are you sure?” I said not knowing how I should react.  Part of me was thrilled that he was touching me, but another part of me didn’t want to have to suffer through any more lackluster conversation. 

“Please sit back down,” he said with a nod of his head at the stool I’d just been warming.  “Come on, please.”

“How about we go sit in a booth?” I offered after a few moments of hesitation.  “It’s a bit more quiet and secluded.”  Quiet and secluded?  What was I trying to imply? 

Without removing his hand from my arm, he rose from his seat and together we began to walk towards a far booth.  As we stepped together his hand slid from my arm down to my ass.  My entire body tensed.  I did say quiet and secluded and while deep inside I might have meant that in some sort of come on…outwardly I hadn’t meant it as such.  But here we were his hand plastered to my ass.  It hadn’t even occurred to me that he might be gay as well.

 All of that said, I wasn’t “out” and now I was walking across a crowded bar with a man’s hand on my ass, a man who hadn’t even told me his name.  I did notice something else though.  I had feared so much in this town and imagined many of the individuals living here as small and closed minded, but walking together his fingers digging their way into the soft flesh of my rear, not a single person seemed to notice or care.  I considered removing his hand but that felt like a betrayal of my own desires because I liked it there.  I liked the warmth radiating through my beige slacks.  I liked the feel of him touching me, wanting to be close to me, longing for me.  It felt good. 

He slid into the red leather booth seat and when I went to move around to the other side he gripped my hand and pulled me in beside him. 

“How much have you already had to drink?” I asked wondering if this was some half drunken come on.

“Only two.  I’m not drunk if that’s what you’re implying.”

“Two?” I said raising my eyebrow skeptically as his hand fell to my thigh under the table.

“Just two.”

“But…I mean…how did you know?”

“That you’re gay?” he asked with a grin.

“I suppose, yeah.”

“No one else would have kept touching me as much as you were earlier, and I saw the way you reacted when you saw me.  I saw you looking at me and I could feel the tension between us.  I wasn’t going to do anything, I mean I had Crusoe to take care of, but then you walked in here and I couldn’t help but feel like it might be a sign.”

“Well, I should probably tell you,” I hesitated, “I’m not out.  I mean no one in this town knows.”

“And no one has to,” he said as he slid his hand into my inner thigh.  My leg twitched and a sudden intake of breath hissed between my teeth.

“But were in public.” I said feeling less secure about our anonymity than he did.

“No one is looking.  No one cares.  There isn’t a single person in here that is paying attention to what is happening under our table,” he said as his hand slid further up my thigh until he was cupping my crotch. 

I gulped unsure of what I should do.  I wanted this, I needed this, but could I go through with it?

“I…uh…do you mind if we just talk for a bit?” I asked feeling shy and nervous.  I wasn’t a one night stand kind of guy.  That wasn’t something I was capable of.  If I was going to give myself to this man, then I needed to feel like there was a connection between us.  Something real and positive. 

He pulled his hand away and sat back, his arm resting over the back of the booth.  “How about you start then,” he said with a sly grin. 

“I think I would like to know your name,” I replied as I stared down at the table nervously.  Was I really on a date with another man?  An unintentional date but a date all the same.

“Oh right,” he laughed, “I guess we never did cover that earlier.  Hi, my name is Russell,” he said extending his hand out to me. 

I shook his hand and felt a shiver run down my side as he stroked my palm with his finger.  He was coming on strong and I couldn’t deny that I liked it.  I released his hand and pulled away.  “We’re supposed to be talking,” I said sternly trying to give him my best chastising look.

“I can multitask,” he said seductively as he leaned in closer to me.  I could smell him.  I inhaled again and felt my brow furrow as I tried to place the smell.  It wasn’t cologne or the musk that some men emanate…no, it was something else.  Then it dawned on me, he smelled like pastry.  I could feel a smile spreading wide across my face and I turned sideways to look at him straight on.

“Where do you work?”

“Why?” he asked looking confused.

“Because I think I could guess,” I said teasingly.  This was nice, a little bit of fun flirtation.  A little game between the two of us to lighten the mood.

“Really?  I bet you can’t.”

“Wanna place a bet?” I asked knowing I was venturing into dangerous territory.

“What kind of bet,” he said his raised eyebrow giving away his interest.

“Anything you want,” I said feeling completely self-assured.  I knew I was right and I was going to win this bet.

“Ok, let me think for a moment.”  He bit his lip and got a focused look on his face.  Less than a minute later he perked up.  “If you’re wrong, then you have to kiss me right here in this bar.”

I didn’t even have to think about it.  This was a no brainer.  I was going to win so he could have proposed any bet and I’d have taken it. 

“Deal.”  We shook on it and then he sat back waiting.

“Ok then, what do I do for a living?”

“You are…” I began and then drug it out for affect as he waited impatiently.  I could tell he was certain he was going to win and he was gearing up for his prize.  I began again, “you are…a…” I hesitated and then quickly blurted out, “A baker!”

“What?!  How?!” he exclaimed clearly not believing that I knew.  “You cheated somehow.  How did you know?”

“I just knew,” I teased and gave him a side-eye glance.

“No.  Come on, you gotta tell me.”

“Maybe I’m psychic,” I joked and pushed him in the shoulder like a shy pre-teen boy.

“Uh huh…I’m sure that’s it,” he said sarcastically.  “Now tell me how you really know,” he finished by taking another swig of his beer finishing off his glass.

“Ok.  You really want to know?”

“Yes!”

“I could smell it on you.”

He gripped his shirt and pulled it to his nose.  He took a deep inhalation and then looked at me.  “I don’t smell anything.”

I leaned over and bent my head towards his chest.  I grabbed his shirt playfully with my hand and pulled it up to my face.  “Yep, definitely bread or pastry or something like that.  You just don’t smell it because you’re used to it.  You reek of bakery.”

“Weird.  No one has ever said anything before.”

“You mean no one has ever teased that they’d like to take a bite out of you because you smell delicious?” I joked before I could stop myself. 

“Only you, just now,” he said gripping my torso and pulling me close until my nose was nearly touching his.

“You know you didn’t win the bet,” I breathed.

“Does that matter?” he asked as he brushed his nose against mine.

I started to answer and then couldn’t.  I turned my head to the side and looked around at the busy bar.  Russell pulled back and reached for the wallet in his pocket.  He flipped it open and tossed a twenty onto the table. 

“Slide out,” he said.

I slid sideways until I could stand.  I turned and looked at him questioningly.  He slid out as well and then grabbed my hand.

“Come on, let’s go,” he smiled. 

He pulled me out of the restaurant and around the corner into a darkened alley.  I looked at him and felt my nerves starting to take over.  The butterflies in my stomach were churning and I could feel my breathing quickening.  He squeezed my hand and then stepped a single step forward.  I felt myself stepping back as well until I was pressed firmly against the cold brick wall. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” he said moving forward again.

“I’m not,” I said but we both knew it was a lie.

“This is natural,” he said as he lowered his face until his light stubble was brushing against my neck.  My body shuddered and I couldn’t stop the deep moan that escaped my lips. 

“I don’t know,” I said as my arms wrapped around his waist and his mouth engulfed my neck.  “What if we’re seen.”

What if we are?” he whispered as he continued his tongue lashing along my neck.

“Oh god,” I groaned when he began to tongue the ridge of my ear.  He moaned and it was more than I could take.  “Kiss me,” I begged before I could change my mind.  He pulled back, looked me in the eye, placed his palms on both sides of my face and as he leaned forward he pulled me to meet him.

I’d only ever kissed one man before and when his full lips met mine, and his stubbled beard brushed my face, it was as if all sense left me.  I could think of nothing but kissing him deeper.  I needed his lips, his tongue, his hands on my body.  I needed it all in a way I’d never needed anything before.

His hands made their way to the back of my head where he held me tightly in place so that I couldn’t pull away even if I tried.  It felt intense and personal, that he wanted my mouth on his as long as possible.  That he didn’t want my lips to leave his.  I felt elated and completely lost in the moment.  The day had been terrible but it was quickly turning into one of the best days of my life.

His hands made their way down my body, over the light cotton fabric covering my heaving chest, down my torso, until they found the waistband of my trousers.  He toyed with the button until it snapped free and then pushed down the zipper.  Casually lifting my shirt, he pressed his palm to my stomach and started the slow tease down with his fingertips.  I wanted him to touch me so badly.  I was aching to feel him on me, but I also knew that we should stop.  As much as I wanted this – to be close to another person.  To be close to him.  I didn’t want it like this.  I didn’t want a quick one night stand.  I wanted something personal and meaningful.  Despite my cravings and my overwhelming desire, I managed to stun us both.

“Wait.  Stop,” I said and then groaned in disappointment.  I knew I needed to say the words.  I knew I was doing us both a favor but my body felt nothing but betrayal. 

“Ok…” he said hesitating his hand still halfway inside of my pants.  I could feel his fingers brushing my pubic hair and it took all the strength I had to stand by my words.

“I’m not ready for this.”  I couldn’t look him in the eye.  All I could do was stare down at the dark pavement and hope that he wouldn’t hate me forever.  I felt embarrassed.

We stood together embracing in silence for what felt like hours.  He pulled me to him and I rested my head on his shoulder, my face turned towards his neck to hide my shame.  He rubbed my back and squeezed me tight.

“It’s ok,” he whispered when his lips brushed my forehead tenderly.  “This was all moving too quickly.  How about we go back to my place and watch a movie.  It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.  I like you and I want nothing more than to be around you for a while longer.”  He glided his fingertips down my arm and entwined his fingers with mine.  “What do you say?”

I lifted my head and looked at him.  After the day I’d had, all those poor animals…and Crusoe, watching a movie and cuddling seemed perfect.  I just wanted to be close to him to feel comforted and comfortable. 

“Ok,” I finally replied when I could find my voice. 

Chapter 4 – Russell

I waited for Jack to pull his small 2003 Jetta up behind my own dated VW Rabbit and then we were on our way.  As I drove I thought about the affect he was having on me.  I think he had no idea.  Having never been with another man I don’t think he knew how drawn I felt to him.  He was shy and tender and kissing him felt like I was getting away with something, or being given a gift.  It felt incredible and I never wanted it to stop. 

Yet, I understood his reticence and his worry.  I’d been with other men but I could remember the first time as clear as day.  Just like any fumbling virgin it was both scary and exciting and a slight bit disappointing once you got down to it.  I wanted something different for Jack.  I wanted it to be tender and meaningful, not some lusty tryst after an hour spent at the bar.  We had a connection, I could feel it with every ounce of my being but that meant that I could be patient.  I didn’t want another meaningless fling.  I wanted something real and lasting and if that meant giving him space, then I could do it.

I thought about the taste of his mouth and the feel of his lips.  The muscles of his neck as I had teased them with my tongue and the way he had moaned.  Patience was going to be hard.  Cuddling and movies is good too though.  I clenched my jaw and vowed to myself that I would be good.  That I could sit beside him and hold him and not push it further.  I would wait for him to make the move, to give me the signal that he was ready for the next step. 

I checked the rearview to make sure that he was still following me and then I took the right-hand turn that would lead us to my house.  Two minutes later and we were pulling into my driveway.  Suddenly I felt my own nerves getting the best of me.  What if he didn’t like my place?  What if he got cold feet and decided he didn’t like me after all?  What if we couldn’t agree on a movie?  First date jitters. 

I got out of the car and waved to him.  I couldn’t believe it when I felt myself beginning to shake.  This was not how I normally was.  In all my relationships I had been self-assured and confident, but somehow this adorable veterinarian was making me nervous.  He grinned when he saw me wave and walked over to meet me. 

“Let’s head in,” I said leading the way.  Part of me hoped I had done a better job cleaning up after Crusoe than I remembered.  It had been early and I was groggy and who knows if I was thorough.  I unlocked the door and stepped inside quickly glancing around.  Everything looked good.  Phew.  I thought my heart would stop pounding once I’d noticed the house wasn’t a total disaster but it continued its steading thumping that nearly left me breathless.  It felt as if I’d just run a mile and all I’d done was stand close to Jack.  It astounded me that just being near him could have such an intense impact on my entire body.

“It’s nice,” Jack said.  “Your place I mean.  I like it.”

“Thanks,” I said grinning.  It pleased me that he liked my apartment.  I shifted on my heels and then before I knew what I was saying the words began to spill from me, “So, do you want to hang out on the couch, or I have a TV in the bedroom as well?”  I could have slammed my hand over my mouth.  The bedroom!  I had just five minutes ago promised myself that I would behave and now here I was offering the bed. 

Then Jack surprised me further.

“The bedroom.”

He said it like it was nothing.  Like he hadn’t just turned my insides upside down and my pulse racing.  But I knew I needed to play it cool.  He had already shared that he wasn’t ready and I knew if I reacted wrongly that he would put his guard back up.

“Sure, it’s right over here,” I said as I motioned towards the back room.  He followed me down the hall and together we entered my bedroom.  My unmade bed the centerpiece of the space with my comforter and sheets tangled and twisted into a mess.  I walked around to my side, kicked off my shoes, and flung myself down.  I think I was trying to show some sort of flair or finesse but was certain I’d only ended up looking like a tool.  I brushed the thoughts aside and patted the other side of the bed for him to come and sit. 

I liked to sleep with a lot of pillows so there were plenty for both of us.  I propped up a few of them behind my head and reached for the remote.  I was expecting Jack to do the same and was completely taken by surprise when he scooted over and laid his head down on my chest, his arm flung over my stomach.  He cuddled up next to me like we’d done this a million times, and it felt incredible.

There was something special about feeling completely comfortable with another person.  I’d only met Jack earlier in the day but with him nuzzled up beside me, his hand on my stomach and his head on my chest, it felt like we were meant to be like that.  I wanted him, there was no doubt, but I realized I wanted him more than sexually.  I wanted to be with him, truly be with him.  While I desired him with my body I also desired him with my heart and my soul.  I’d never felt so connected to another person and laying there together flipping through the movie options, I knew I’d never feel like that with anyone else.  In a single day I felt as if I’d met the one person that was meant for me.  The one man I should be with forever.  It was both a pleasant and a terrifying feeling all at once.

I wrapped my arm around his back and pulled him closer.  I squeezed him tightly and didn’t let go for several seconds.  He squeezed me back and it felt closer than any of the men I’d ever slept with.  It felt right.

We selected a movie and watched in near silence.  I wondered if his ear on my chest could hear my pounding heart.  I wondered if he could tell how peaceful and nervous I felt simultaneously.  If he could he never said a word. 

The movie played on and together we fell asleep exactly as we had been, clutching one another tightly.  I hadn’t slept that well in years. 

When I woke in the morning Jack was gone.

Today was my day off so no need to rush anywhere.  I stood in the shower under the warm stream of water and wondered where I’d gone wrong.  Had I held him too tightly?  Had I made him uncomfortable?  Did he decide he didn’t like me after all?  My head swam with a million thoughts and questions.  Not one made me feel any better and standing under the pummeling water I felt as if I could cry.  I had finally found a man I thought I could love and he’d left me.  He seemed like the kind of man that would have left a note or would have woken me up to say goodbye.  But he had slipped out like we were something shameful and like he didn’t ever want to see me again. 

Though he would have to see me again when I picked up Crusoe. 

Crusoe…I hoped his surgery in a few hours would go well and I hoped my interaction with Jack wouldn’t distract him from his work.  My head and my heart ached.  My poor puppy and my poor feelings.  Within the span of a few hours I went from being the happiest I had ever been to feeling a deep and dark depression.  I decided I would put all my energy into thinking good thoughts for Crusoe and I would let Jack go.  What could I do?  He’d clearly made his decision and I would respect it.  And when I saw him again I wouldn’t say a word.

Chapter 5 – Jack

Sometime during the night we had separated and I had rolled over to the far side of the bed.  I turned onto my side to face him and to check the time on the clock.  He looked peaceful.  His face was slack and I could tell he was in a deep restful sleep.  I had a few minutes until I needed to head to my place to get ready for work and I took the time to really take him in.  When we’d been together earlier I’d been too nervous to allow myself to look at his face much.  Plus, every time I did his eyes would fall to mine and I was too shy to hold them. 

Now, with him sleeping I was free to notice the little details.  His slightly crooked but utterly handsome nose, the sunburn scars lightly dotting across his shoulders, the way his facial hair didn’t fill in completely, his hair falling lightly across his forehead, dark brown with a few strands of gray.  I wanted to reach out and run my fingers over his stubble.  I wanted to kiss his nose and his forehead and to brush his hair off his face.  He was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen and the thought of leaving him made me ache.  I’d never wanted to stay somewhere so badly, but I knew I had to go.  I had to go take care of Crusoe and return him to Russell a happy playful healthy puppy.

I pushed myself from the bed as carefully as I could so that I wouldn’t disturb him.  When I lifted myself he grumbled lightly and then drifted back into his dreams.  I wondered if he was dreaming of me, or of us.  I smiled when I thought about “us”.  Could I really have met someone this wonderful I wondered as I headed towards the front door. 

I drove home and showered and dressed, the entire time I thought of nothing but him.  I was intoxicated.  I felt exhilarated and light.  It was as if all my worries had drifted away.  With Russell I didn’t fear what anyone would think of us.  At least not after we’d gotten a bit closer.  Now I felt like I wanted to scream from the rooftops that I had found someone perfect. 

Before I’d left his place, I thought of leaving a note but I didn’t know what I would say.  “Hi, thanks for the great evening, see you soon.”  It seemed too nonchalant for what had passed between us.  It wasn’t adequate to express what I was feeling so I didn’t bother trying.  Instead I left the paper and the pen sitting on the table the note unwritten.  I figured I would be seeing him later in the day anyway when he came to pick up Crusoe.  If nothing else, we could exchange numbers and make plans then.

The surgery went off without a hitch.  It was fairly simple once we got the pup sedated.  He had eaten a few too many socks and once they were removed he was good as new. Perhaps a bit groggy but he would be back to his old self in no time.  I watched over the little guy in between my other patients and when he looked good enough to go home I had Miss Ponderosa give Russell a call.  I wanted to do it myself but that wasn’t our usual protocol and I knew the second he answered I would start grinning like a fool completely giving myself away.  Miss Ponderosa would latch onto those clues like a bloodhound and it would be about three seconds before she put two and two together.  I simply couldn’t do that to the woman that was dead set on me ending up with some wholesome choirgirl.

I ducked around the corner and listened as she made the call.

“Hello, is this Russell?” she asked when he answered the phone.  “Ok good, this is All Creatures Animal Clinic.  I was just calling to let you know that you can pick up…” she paused and glanced down at her computer.  “You can pick up Crusoe any time you would like.  The surgery went well and he’s ready to go home.”  Miss Ponderosa was silent for a span of time and then finally finished with, “Great, we’ll see you then.”  I waited impatiently around the corner for what I figured was an appropriate amount of time and then I ducked my head around.

“When did he say that he’ll be here?”

Miss Ponderosa squinted her eyes behind her glasses and stared directly at me with a hard gaze.  “Why?”

“Um…uh…I’ve grown attached to the little guy and I just wanted to make sure I was the one to hand him off,” I said fumbling for an excuse.  Ponderosa could be a real thorn in my side sometimes. 

“Fine.  He said he’d be here within the hour,” she said turning back around in her seat. 

“Did he seem…” I began but she waved her hand in the air dismissing me.  Clearly our conversation was over.

I jumped back around the corner and did a little happy dance before heading back to the cage where I was keeping Crusoe.  He was still out of it but did his best to lick my fingers when I opened the cage and gave him a few pets. 

“Hey buddy, your daddy is going to be here really soon.  You’ve been such a good boy,” I cooed as I rubbed his ears.  “He’s going to be so happy that you’re ok.”  I spent a few more minutes with him and then I went to wait in my office until I got the notice that Russell had arrived. 

I tried to sit but I couldn’t focus.  I paced back and forth and contemplating continuing the cleaning I had attempted the day before.  The very thought seemed overwhelming so I resumed the pacing and fidgeting until the phone buzzed.  The second the ringer went off my heart began to race.  It felt ridiculous to have nerves now after the time we’d spent together the night before.  My hands were shaking and I willed them to still as I jostled the phone from its holder and brought it to my ear.

I steadied my voice to respond, “I’ll be right there.  Can you please go ahead and show him to exam room three?”

Yes!  He’s here, my mind screamed as I did a fist pump in the air.

I ran into the bathroom and smoothed my hair and adjusted my coat.  I knew it didn’t make any difference but I wanted to look my best.  Next I went to the cage and picked up Crusoe.  The second he was in my arms he began to cover my face with slobbery puppy kisses.  He flopped around wildly still unable to fully control himself after having been knocked out but still 100% dedicated to licking my entire face. 

“Alright, alright, calm down,” I laughed while I carried him to exam room three.  “Were about to see your daddy so be a good boy.”

I pushed open the door and stepped inside with a broad grin plastered across my face.  He looked just as good as I had remembered.  My mind flipped back to the last second I’d seen him this morning, his face peaceful and unaware as he slept.

“Here he is,” I said as I placed Crusoe on the floor.  He immediately ran to Russell and wagged his butt as fast as he could, his little tail whipping about uncontrollably.  Russell leaned down and pet him clearly thrilled to have him back.  But something else was different.  The room felt tense.  I had expected him to smile and seem excited to see me as well but he had remained stiff and nothing at all like the man I had remembered from the night before.

I didn’t understand.

Had he changed his mind about me?

Was it all nothing to him?

Had I been the only one that felt something between us?

I felt crushed and like I wanted to run from the room but I maintained my composure.

“So, I get to take him home now then?” Russell asked as he clipped a leash to the collar around Crusoe’s neck.

“Uh…yeah.  The surgery went well and he should recover just fine.  It was a bunch of socks he’d eaten so maybe keep an eye on those and watch the stitches.  He can have them out in a few weeks.  You can make that appointment at the front desk.”  I tried to remain professional and to match Russell’s demeanor.  If he was over me than so be it.  This was still my business and I could handle rejection if I had to even if I didn’t understand what I had done wrong.

“Great.  Thanks a lot,” he said as he turned and walked out of the room.  I didn’t follow him but I listened as he made his next appointment and then walked out the front door. 

After he’d left I asked Miss Ponderosa when the next appointment was scheduled for and it happened to fall on a day that I was off.  Just like that, Russell had walked out of my life.

I would like to say that I went after him or that I looked up his number and called him to clear up whatever confusion happened between us, but I didn’t.  I wasn’t brave or secure enough so I let him completely disappear from my life.

For the next three years I continued the practice.  I thought maybe I’d see him again sometime, that maybe he would come back in with Crusoe or maybe a second dog or cat.  But he didn’t.  I thought about him every day.  I know I’d only known him for a single evening.  An evening of nothing more than a few kisses and cuddling, but that night had meant the world to me and had been the most meaningful interaction I’d ever had with another person and it had marked me forever.  I would never forget it and I knew it couldn’t be replicated with another.

It saddened me each time I thought of him, of how I let him go without at least trying.  I felt hopeless and lost and I knew I had let my best chance at love walk out the door. 

Finally, I decided that I would find him.  I had looked up his old records at work and had tried the number but it was disconnected.  For all I knew he could be out of state, he could have moved anywhere.  The one thing I did know what that he was a baker.  I thought it was unlikely that his profession would change, he’s seemed pleased to be a baker so I knew that was my best chance.

One by one I began to search the cities bakeries in hopes of finding him somewhere, anywhere.  Or maybe I’d come across someone that knew him and where he had gone.  I questioned everyone at each bakery I went in but I was coming up with nothing until the day I went into a tiny hole in the wall place that was only open from 5:00 AM to 12:00 PM.  Just long enough for people to get their breakfast and lunch fix. 

I knew it the moment I walked up to the storefront.  There, emblazoned across the glass windows was the name Pup Pastry and it has a painted black lab.  A black lab just like Crusoe.  I stood outside and admired the store for a minute while I gathered my nerves.  I couldn’t believe I had found him, and I felt immensely proud that he had followed his dreams and had opened his own storefront.  There were other things I thought as well:

It had been so long; would he even remember me? 

Would he even care anymore?

Had he ever cared?

I tried not to let the thoughts overwhelm me.  I told myself the only thing he could do would be to turn me away and tell me no.  That wasn’t any worse than what I was already living with and then I would at least know that I had tried.  That I had gone after the one thing I wanted.  I said a silent prayer and begged for him to still care about me, to have thought about me all these years too, and then I pulled open the door and stepped inside.

The instant I was inside two things struck me:  the unbelievably delicious smell, and how busy the place was.  Pup Pastry was swamped!  Men, women, children, the bakery was bustling and energetic.  It was a remarkable sight.  And there, behind the counter fulfilling everyone’s orders and punching buttons on the register was the man I had come to see.  He looked a few years older which somehow made him even more handsome, but it was him, it was my Russell.

I stood off to the side and watched him as he worked.  He looked happy.  He looked as if he were doing the one thing he’d always dreamed of doing and I couldn’t help but smile as he rushed around trying to please everyone. 

A few minutes in I noticed that he seemed to be alone.  I don’t know what came over me but I had a sudden urge to make my presence known.  I walked up to the counter, leaned over, and asked:

“Would you like some help?”

“No, I’m good.  Thanks though,” he said without even looking my direction.

I leaned forward again.  “Are you sure?  I think it looks like you could really use some help.”  This time he stopped and lifted his head in my direction.  I watched as his whole face lit up.  He didn’t speak for a few seconds as the recognition fully set in.

“Oh, my god.  Yes! Yes!  Get back here!  I’ll get you an apron,” he gushed as his smile took over his face. 

I hurried behind the counter and he handed me an apron embroidered with the likeness of Crusoe and the words Pup Pastry. 

“What should I do?”

“Um…how about you…um…how about you get people their orders and I’ll ring them up at the register?”

“Ok sure, sounds good.  I might be a little slow at first but I’ll do my best.”  Everything felt good.  This was perfect.  I loved seeing him like this.  To see him in his own thriving business.  It made my soul happy.  Together we finished the last of the customers and when the bakery cleared out he locked the door and turned the closed sign over.  It wasn’t 12:00 yet but we had a lot of catching up to do. 

We walked to the back of the store where the kitchen was located and then he turned to me.

“Why did you leave like that?” he asked before I had a chance to start my own line of questioning.

“Leave you?” I replied shocked.  “I didn’t leave you.  You came and picked up Crusoe and left like nothing at all had happened between us.  As if I had been no one.”

“No.  You left my apartment in the morning without so much as a note.  Nothing.  Then when I saw you…you were completely professional and didn’t ask for my number or another date or anything.  I thought you were done with me.  I thought maybe you became too afraid of being found out or that you’d never liked me as much as I imagined.”

“It wasn’t like that at all!” I cried out.  “I left in the morning because I had to go to my place before work, and I didn’t leave a note because I knew I would be seeing you.  I didn’t wake you because you looked so beautiful and peaceful as you slept.  Then you came in to get Crusoe and you were cold and distant and I thought maybe I wasn’t ready or experienced enough for you.  I thought maybe my tender heart had imagined feelings that didn’t exist for both of us.  So, I let you leave because I thought it was what you wanted.  To be rid of me.”

“I never wanted to be rid of you.  You’re all I’ve thought about for years,” Russell exclaimed as he reached forward and grabbed my hands with both of his.  “I’ve seen no one else.  I knew no one could ever compare to what I felt in that single evening with you.  We didn’t even do anything sexual and yet I had felt closer to you than anyone else in my entire life.” 

My entire body began to shake.  All these years lost because of a stupid mistake.  A small misunderstanding that neither of us had been strong enough to question.  Three years I could have been with this man.  Three years gone. 

“Hey, hey.  Its ok,” he said when my tears started streaming down my face.  He stepped forward and pulled me to him.  “I’m here now baby.  We’re both here now,” he said wrapping his arms around me tight, his hand on the back of my head.  He leaned his head back and kissed my forehead tenderly.  “I’m here with you right now and we don’t ever have to be apart again.”

I sniffled and turned my face to his neck, my arms reaching up to cling to him.  I sobbed against him and he never let me go. 

“Shhh…shhh…its ok,” he cooed as he stroked my back.  “Come on.  I think there’s someone else you should say hello to,” he said as he pulled away slowly.  His fingertips traipsed down my arms until they met mine and together holding hands we walked out to his car.  I would have thought to worry about leaving my own vehicle parked there but I didn’t care anymore.  A meteor could fall from the sky and smash it into the ground and in that moment, I wouldn’t have cared.  I had everything I wanted.

Russell started the car and pulled out of the lot.  I had no idea where we were going and I didn’t want to know so long as I was with him.  He could drive us all the way to Mexico and I’d be happy to go.  Instead of taking us to the white sand beaches of another country he pulled up to a nice two story house.

“Is this yours?” I asked thinking that his business must be doing even better than I’d expected.

“Sure is,” he said as he hopped out of the car and ran around to my side to open the door.  I smiled at his chivalry and could hardly keep my hands off him walking to his front door.  He opened the door and before I could step a foot inside a big black mass came barreling my way.  There was no mistaking who the big guy was, it was Crusoe and he seemed to remember me after all these years too.  I fell to my knees on the floor and hugged him tight.

“Hey there buddy!” I said as I rustled his ears and patted his belly.  I had been playing with him for a few minutes when Russell tapped my shoulder and helped me rise from the floor.

“Come on,” he said as he headed up the stairs.  “We have some unfinished business.”  His right eyebrow raised and I knew exactly what he meant.

He raced the rest of the way up the stairs but I took my time even stopping for a minute midway to catch my breath and steel myself for what was about to happen next.  I knew that I wanted it but it was still my first and if I was going to give it to anyone it would be Russell but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t nervous. 

I climbed the last few steps and walked the short hall to the open door.  I hadn’t stepped two feet inside before I was tackled.  It was a swift movement that caught me off guard and had me flailing to catch my balance.  As if on cue Russell’s arm fell around me and he caught me and steadied me as his body moved closer to mine.  He used his hip against mine to help secure me.  Moments later he lifted his head and gazed into my eyes.  I gulped and wondered if he could see how nervous I was.  It felt as if he could see straight through me, as if he could suddenly know all my secrets with a single glance.

He smiled a smile that lit up his entire face and then he leaned forward and pressed his lush lips to mine.  I couldn’t believe how easily he’d made the move – no nervousness, no hesitation.  He pressed harder and I kissed him back his hand snaking around the back of my neck.  He held my mouth to his.  I couldn’t pull away, I couldn’t move, all I could do was kiss him back.  Slowly our lips parted and his tongue entered my mouth.  It was a slow and intense kiss that had my whole body tingling with sensation.

When our kiss broke briefly, and before I knew what I was saying, I heard myself utter, “I want you.”  Words I’d never said to anyone before. 

“Good because I want you too.  More than anything,” he said as he gripped my ass and let his hands roam.  They traipsed carefully around the waistband of my pants until they were seated firmly on the button and then the zipper.  He worked them expertly and within seconds my pants were on the floor around my ankles.

“Wait,” I began to say but he held a single finger to his lips and said, “Shh…not this time,” as he pushed down my boxer briefs.  I quickly looked up to the ceiling to hide my flushing face and the embarrassment over my naked hardness.

He didn’t say a word but instead went down onto his knees before me and ran his tongue up the inside of my thigh.  My entire body twitched and I groaned.  If he kept this up I would be finished before he’d even touched me.  He kissed and bit my thighs until I could hardly stand it and then he ran his tongue all the way down the length of my shaft and took me deep into his mouth.  He wrapped his arms around my thighs and held me tight while he went to work.  Just like that, no other words, nothing else was said and he was down on his knees and sucking.   

I’d never had anyone do that before and I felt like I might faint from the inexplicable pleasure of his lips, the softness of his mouth, and the teasing that he was doing with his tongue.  It all felt like too much and I had to close my eyes and fight the urge to collapse to the floor, or worse, cum too quickly.  I wanted this to last.  I wanted to feel him devouring me for hours.  I knew that was unrealistic but right then, that’s exactly what I wanted.  I didn’t want to finish without him.  I’d waited this long for him and I wanted us to be together like we should be. 

Without warning he pulled me from his mouth and stood.  He reached down for the hem of my shirt and pulled it off over my head.  I remained completely silent and watched him as he removed his own clothes.  I’d never been in the same room as another naked man before and seeing his erection jutting out before him had me at full attention.  I couldn’t stop staring.  He looked magnificent.  I would compare him to the marble sculpture of David, but to me he looked even better.  

He turned around and stepped backwards until his ass was fitted perfectly against my hips, my erection jutting forward to fall between his supple cheeks.  He wiggled his ass teasingly and then slid his fingers between mine and led me to the bed.  I’d have spoken, I’d have said anything if the words would have come to my mind, but all I can remember is being completely in awe of his body and what we were doing.  All coherent thought had fluttered away and I couldn’t form a single complete sentence while he was there with me.

He took me to the bed and showed me everything I’d been missing the last three years.  I’d have cried again if I hadn’t been so pleased to have it now.  When all was done and over and we were breathless and exhausted, we turned on our sides and we held each other.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” he pleaded.

I caressed his cheek, my fingers running down the stubble of his beard and I promised.  “Never again.” 

THE END

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