Table of Contents

Title Page

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Pretty Little Words In A Bottle

To All the Bobs in the world. You are not alone.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

About the Author

Sometimes crazy in love is more than just a phrase

Richard had it all—money, popularity, and a promising career as an artist. That all ended one night when he made one terrible mistake that culminated with him locked up in Kirkwood Hospital for the Mentally Ill. Now diagnosed as Bi-Polar, he finds himself struggling in a new world, one where all the rules have changed, and he must find himself again.

Being in a mental hospital is nothing new to Zander. Since he was sixteen and diagnosed as Bi-Polar, he’s been in and out of the places. When he sees the sexy, yet petulant newcomer, Richard, Zander is, at first, annoyed with him. But then, over time, Zander finds himself cultivating a friendship with the artist—one that grows into something deeper.

But can the two men overcome their mental diseases, or is their relationship doomed before it even begins?

The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000.

Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage the electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Pretty Little Words In A Bottle

Copyright © 2013 Stephani Hecht

ISBN: 978-1-77111-469-1

Cover art by Martine Jardin

All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher.

Published by eXtasy Books

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Pretty Little Words In A Bottle

Hurt-Comfort-Friends-to-Lovers

By

Stephani Hecht

To All the Bobs in the world. You are not alone.

Chapter One

Scarlet threads floating through the air. That was what his blood looked like as it threaded its way through his bath water.

Everything seemed to happen at a distance, as if he were in the sky, gazing from above. Richard could see his roommate, Gretchen, coming in. Dimly hear her screams. Then hear her yelling at him, telling him how he’d yet again made a mess of things, and it wasn’t worth living with a famous painter if he was going to keep doing stuff like this.

Then she called 911. Richard frowned. He didn’t want that. He wanted to die. Didn’t she see that? If he had wanted to live, then he certainly wouldn’t have put so much drama and work into his damn suicide. Stupid woman!

Then, even though it seemed only seconds had passed, the EMS workers were in there and they were working on him, dragging his skinny, pale ass out of the water. Not one of his better moments. They were gathering their medical equipment…

“Richard!”

Richard jerked alert, almost sliding out of the hard, cold, plastic chair. “Sorry.”

The intake nurse, a slim male who was blond and had bland features, gave him an unkindly smile. “I need you to answer a few questions for me.”

Richard shivered as he wondered how he’d ended up at Kirkwood Mental Hospital for the Mentally Ill of all places. Oh, yeah! Because he’d taken a butcher’s blade to both wrists and had a good old time. They tended to frown on that.

“Are you feeling suicidal right now?”

“No.”

You big fat liar. You’re just saying what they want to hear.

“Are you feeling like you want to hurt others?”

“No.”

Just Gretchen. The bitch who says that she can’t live with me anymore because she’s scared of me. We both know that’s a big lie, and she’s been looking for an excuse to get rid of me for months, so she can move in with her meth-head boyfriend. Trying to off myself was the perfect opportunity.

“Do you do that all the time?” the nurse asked.

Richard blinked a few times. “Do what?”

“Drift off like that?”

Richard shrugged. “I dunno. I guess. People have complained a few times to me about it.”

The nurse made a few notations, and Richard squirmed, feeling like a lab rat. To pass the time, he stared down at the long white bandages on both his wrists. They itched like crazy, but Richard couldn’t bring himself to ask the nurse for something that might give him some relief. Maybe because some part of himself knew that he deserved the misery since he’d brought it upon himself.

“Are you seeing things that aren’t there or having any other kinds of hallucinations?” the nurse asked.

“No.”

“Hearing voices in your head?”

“No.”

“Taking illegal drugs?”

“Just some pot.”

The nurse made a few more notes, then asked about Richard’s medical history before setting down the clipboard. “I need you to step behind the screen and strip down.”

That order really got Richard’s attention. “Excuse me?”

“We need you to change into a gown.”

“Why? They told me in the hospital that I got to wear my own clothes here.” Richard protested as he shrank farther back into the chair, his only refuge at the moment.

The nurse let out an impatient sigh. “Don’t fight me on this. It’s standard procedure. We need to check you over for any self-inflicted injuries.”

Richard ran a hand through his hair, wincing in pain. Bringing his arm back down, he wasn’t surprised to see several of his own brown strands in his fists. He idly wondered if the nurse would be making a notation of that, too.

“Come on, Richard, we’re just going to wash your clothes. As soon as we check over everything you brought in, you can have them back,” the nurse soothed.

Oh, so now you decide to play nice.

“Check it for what?” Richard asked as he uncurled his body.

“Drawstrings, shoelaces, metal, springs…anything that you can use to hurt yourself with.”

Richard swallowed hard. While it made perfect sense, hearing it said aloud made him feel so broken. Like he was a failure of a human being. That he was less of a person. His gaze went to the locks on the door, and his heart plummeted even lower. That’s when it all became so real.

He was locked up. He was sick. He couldn’t be trusted to be by himself. He was no longer free to make his own decisions.

Broken. Broken. Broken. Broken. Broken. Broken. So fucking broken.

“Richard! You’re doing it again,” the nurse cut in.

Richard put a hand over his mouth, then nodded. He stood and made his way behind the screen, each step making his shame all the deeper. It was as if each inch ripped another piece of his humanity away.

Once he was behind the screen, he woodenly toed off his shoes and then stripped naked. The nurse made a quick inventory. When he got to all the places Richard had cut himself, a slice of pain went through him. That was supposed to be private. Between him and his mind. It wasn’t supposed to ever be seen by anybody else. Yet the scars were now open for the whole world to see, and they were being cruelly documented as if they were nothing.

The nurse had no idea how much love and care went into each of those scars. How much pleasure they had given Richard. How much pleasure and relief. How they’d given him the strength to go on, if for just a little longer. They were, in their own small way, his saviors.

The nurse handed him a gown and pair of pants so thin that they looked like they were made out of paper. “Here, you can wear this until your clothes are clean.”

Richard eyed up the pants. He doubted one ball would fit in there, let alone two. “Do these come in a bigger size?”

“Nope, sorry. Here’s your shoes, and we have some socks for you.”

The shoes came back lace-less, and the socks were the standard hospital brown fuzzies with the slipguards on the bottom. Left with no other option, Richard put on the outfit that would have Joan Rivers screaming in terror. At least they gave him two gowns, so he could use one as a robe and cover up his backside and keep his modesty. It was just his fashion sense that took a serious hit.

Once he was dressed, the nurse put a bright yellow armband on Richard’s wrist. “This means you have to stay on the ward. You can’t go down to the common area or the cafeteria. You have to take your meals here. Once you see the doctor and he clears you, then you get a white armband, and you will have more privileges.”

In other words, until they made sure that Richard wasn’t going to attack another patient and try to eat his face off, he was stuck in the ward. Well, things just kept getting better and better.

“When do I see the doctor?” Richard asked.

“Tomorrow morning.”

Richard looked at the clock. It was only three in the afternoon, so it looked like he was in for a long day. He repressed a sigh. He’d only been at this place a half hour, and he was already beginning to hate it.

“Let me show you your room.”

The nurse led him down the hallway. Along the way, they passed a patient who was dressed in pajama bottoms that were at least three sizes too big and smelled as if they hadn’t been washed in weeks. His balding dark hair was plastered to his flaking scalp, and he muttered to himself. Richard kept to the far wall, hoping that all the other patients weren’t like him.

The nurse stopped at the door at the far end of the hallway. “Your bed is by the window. You can nap, but you’re expected to spend most of your time in the media room, mingling with the other patients. That’s also where we have group. You are expected to show up at group.”

The nurse emphasized the last part to show how important it was. Richard nodded to show that he got it.

“No food or drink is allowed in the rooms, and you are expected to keep it clean. No towels on the floors, and beds are to be made every morning, do you understand?”

“Yes,” Richard said in a small voice, wondering if he’d joined the Army or something.

“We have four smoke breaks a day and, no, there will not be any extras—no matter how much you plead, so don’t bother.”

That part did bum Richard out a bit, since he was a nicotine fiend, but he’d get over it. He’d been trying to quit for a while anyway. Maybe now would be a time to start by weaning off.

“Okay.”

“Once you get a white armband, you will be allowed to be escorted down to the vending machine at night.”

Yay! Yet another thing he wasn’t allowed to do yet. As if it weren’t bad enough that he was shoelace-less and wearing paper underwear, he couldn’t even get some damn Skittles if he wanted them.

The nurse handed over a folder and a small plastic container. “Here are some toiletries and a file containing your patient rights. If you have any questions, you know where to find me.”

He then spun around and walked out, leaving Richard alone in the spartan room. Richard looked around. There wasn’t much to see. Two single beds. Two small desks. Two shelves. One set was filled up with neatly stacked clothing, showing that Richard had a roommate. But whoever he might be, he was nowhere in sight. Other than that, the room had nothing to offer aside from than an attached bathroom with a small shower.

Since Richard didn’t have his clothes yet, he set his container on his shelf and sat on the edge of the bed. He didn’t know what he should do with himself. Nobody had really told him.

Should he go to the media room? What if they were holding group? He didn’t want to get into trouble for interrupting them. Should he walk around and explore? What if he accidentally went someplace that was off limits without his white armband? Should he just stay in his room? No, they said that was bad.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

Richard began to rock back and forth as he picked at his bandages. A small whimper slipped past his lips.

He’d just walk in the small hallway in front of his room. Surely, nobody could fault him for that. Right? In fact, it would be good for him to stretch his legs some.

He walked out into the hallway and found it deserted. He noted that the sun was already beginning to set, despite the early hour, in deference to the winter season. The sole window was in a doorway at the end of the hallway. At the handle of the doorway was a thick keypad, yet another reminder that he was locked in.

A prisoner.

A prisoner because he was broken.

Broken because he was a fuckup.

A sob bubbled from his throat, but he continued to walk, his sneakers making screeching noises on the ground. He could feel his throat closing up on him as reality began to sink deeper and deeper in. He was really locked up in a mental ward and there would be no getting out until they said so. He couldn’t just walk out. There was no packing his bags and saying I’m sick of this place, and I want to go. No, he was stuck here until they deemed him fit to leave again, and who knew how long that would be.

Richard stopped and bent over, putting his hands on his knees. It was only then that he realized he was crying. Not just little tears either, but big fat baby tears. The kind that came with hiccups, snot, and quivering lips.

“Baby, what’s the matter?” a soft female voice came.

He looked over and saw a small, black female staff member standing there. Like the rest of the workers, she wore scrubs. Unlike the others, she had an actual expression of concern on her face. Her nametag read Lydia.

“I’m scared,” Richard admitted, not caring that it made him sound like a baby. After all, he was already crying like one. Might as well go all the way and make his humiliation complete.

“Shhh…” She rubbed her hand over his back. “It’s going to be okay.”

She murmured something to a nearby staff member, then guided Richard back to his room. As she eased him to his bed, she said, “What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Most patients react this way their first day here.”

“Really?” Richard sniffled.

She gave him a kindly smile. “Sure, it’s a lot to take in at first.”

A nurse came in with a full syringe. Richard cringed back. “What is that?”

“It’s just some Haldol. It’ll help you relax,” Lydia assured him.

Since Richard trusted her, he allowed them to inject the medication into his hip. Once that was complete, they were once again left alone. Lydia continued to hold him and speak soothing words. After several moments, the room became fuzzy, and Richard grew really sleepy.

“I’m so tired,” he said, his voice slurred.

“Take a nap. You’ll feel better once you wake up,” she promised. “I’ll be here when you do.”

She eased him back on the bed and walked out. Just after she left, another person walked in. Even though Richard was pretty fucked up, he was able to surmise it was his roommate. He would have introduced himself had he not been drugged out of his ever-loving mind.

The guy was cute as fuck, too. With longer hair that was brushed back so it was still collar length and light blue eyes, he reminded Richard a lot like that guy from the group AWOLNATION. He even had the same thin build.

“Oh, looks like they got you with the dart in the ass,” his new roomie said, a cute smile playing on his lips. “It’s too bad, I would have loved to known your name. You look kind of cute. Well, for what it’s worth, I’m Zander.”

That’s the last thing Richard registered before he went completely under, the drugs sucking him into oblivion.

Chapter Two

Zander woke up the next morning to find his new roommate still fast asleep in bed. Damn, they must have doped him up good. Zander shook his head as he got out of bed and hit the shower. He knew that if he didn’t get moving, they’d come down to get him soon enough. They always insisted on having group first thing in the morning. Which was just stupid to him. Who felt like talking about their feelings before they even had breakfast?

As usual the water was lukewarm at best, but at least it wasn’t scalding hot or frigid, so he wasn’t complaining. He quickly got dressed and left his sleeping roomie behind. As he took a seat in the already crowded room, he snagged a juice. The room was freezing, and he was glad he hadn’t forgotten to grab a hoodie.

Jax was sitting next to him and, as usual, the tall man wore only a thin t-shirt and shorts. The cool temperature didn’t seem to bother the aging hippy though, he just took it all in stride. He had his long, graying brown hair tied back in one of the hospital issue rubber bands. Once, he’d confided to Zander that he preferred a leather thong, but it had been confiscated upon his arrival.

“Hey, Jax. How are things going?” Zander asked as he peeled back the foil top of his juice container.

“The voices in my head are getting louder.”

“At least you’ll never be lonely. You’ll always have them around to keep you company,” Zander said, trying to find the bright side of things.

Jax smiled, his wrinkled face lighting up. “I guess you have a point. I just wish they’d shut the hell up once in a while.”

“They really should be more polite. It is your body that they’re shacking up in, after all.”

Zander wasn’t making fun of Jax, quite the opposite. It was common for them to make light of their illness to cope with the stress. To an outsider, it might come off as strange or wrong, but to them it was just normal.

Zander took a sip of his juice, then leaned forward on his knees. “Seriously, have you told the docs about the voices? They need to know.”

Jax sighed. “I know. It’s just that means they’re going to up my meds again, and I hate it when they do that. I feel like a fucking zombie.”

“Remember what happened last time you didn’t tell them?”

They both fell silent at that memory. Jax had stripped down naked and ran up and down the hallways, screaming that he was the second messiah and how they should all fucking bow down to him. It had taken six staff members to tackle him and keep him down.

Jax shuddered, then gave a jerky nod of his head. “Okay, I’ll tell doc when I see him this morning.”

And it will still probably take them at least six hours to get you on your meds, Zander thought. Sometimes the staff was slower than congress when it came to processing paperwork. If he didn’t know better, at times he would swear that they did it on purpose. Like it was some kind of game to pass the time, fuck with the crazies to see if they could set them off even more.

The therapist running group came in and Zander barely repressed a groan. It was by-the-book Samuel, Zander’s least favorite staff member. Not only did he follow the rules to the letter, but he liked to lord his authority over the patients. So much so that Zander was beginning to think the guy suffered from a severe case of short dick syndrome.

“Everybody take their seats and be quiet,” Samuel demanded in his usual, grating nasally voice.

He wore a pair of khakis matched with a woolen sports jacket that had patches on the elbows. His thin-framed glasses barely hung on his thin nose and, despite his young age, his brown hair was already thinning.

Carl, who was sitting two rows back, began to rock to and fro. “When do we get breakfast? I’m hungry.”

Samuel let out an aggravated sigh. “How many times do we have to go over this? We have breakfast after group. Can we, please, not make this the Carl hour again like we do every other day?”

Carl let out a small sound and shrank back in the chair as much as his round body would allow. Zander felt a flash of anger. It wasn’t Carl’s fault. Along with being schizophrenic, he was also mentally impaired. As such, he didn’t understand things easily.

“Leave him alone,” Zander challenged.

“You need to worry more about yourself than others,” Samuel shot back. “Maybe then you’ll stand a chance of actually getting out of here someday.”

Zander resisted the urge to flip the bastard off…barely. Especially when he saw Samuel scribble down something that Zander just knew was yet another Zander-was-a-naughty-boy-in-group-today note.

Samuel began to look around the room as he took roll. Since group was supposed to be such a vital part of their recovery, attendance was mandatory. After a moment, Samuel’s eyes got that squinty look about them. Oh, oh, that was never a good sign.

“I want my breakfast,” Carl whined.

“In a minute, buddy,” Zander assured him, never taking his gaze off Samuel.

“Does anybody know where Richard Sanders is?” Samuel demanded.

Since the name was new, Zander had a pretty good idea. He raised his hand. “I think he’s my new roommate.”

“Then you want to tell me why he’s not here this morning?”

“He got a dart to the ass last night and is still pretty out of it.”

Several titters of laughter met Zander’s comment. Samuel, on the other hand, looked less than pleased. He pressed his thin lips together in a hard line and glared at Zander.

“Go get him.”

“I don’t know if that would be such a good idea. I just had something to drink, and I’m not supposed to leave this room for a half hour after I eat or consume anything.”

“Don’t test my patience, Zander.”

Zander gave his best innocent shrug. “Hey, it’s you guys’ rule, not mine.”

“Just go get him.”

Zander lazily got to his feet. “Fine, but if I purge, you have nobody to blame but yourself.”

“You have two minutes to get him back here.”

Zander snorted. “Now you’re just setting me up to fail. He’s not going to be able to walk that well on his own. I’m going to probably have to drag his sorry ass down here. That’s not fair.”

“His records say he only weighs one-forty. Even a scrawny thing like you should be able to handle that,” Samuel smirked.

Zander wanted to call back and ask who was calling who scrawny, but bit back the comment, as he’d already caused enough trouble as it was. So he just settled for walking out of group and going to his room.

He found Richard exactly where he expected him to be—passed out on the bed, sleeping like the dead. Zander went over and shook him on the shoulder. “Get up. They want you in group.”

“Go away and leave me alone,” Richard mumbled, before he flipped over in the opposite direction.

Zander sighed. Just as he suspected, this was not going to be easy for him. “Come on. After group, they bring up our breakfast. Nothing says yummy better than rubber pancakes. Then the doctors come, and it’s meds time! That’s when you get to feel like a real crazy. You line up with the rest of the crew to get a tiny pill to swallow, then you have to open up and stick out your tongue to prove you really took them. It’s just so classy, I tell you.”

Richard opened one bloodshot, yet beautiful, blue eye. “Sounds like a blast, but I’ll think I’ll pass. Thanks.”

Zander sighed. “You don’t have a choice. They just sent me to fetch you for group.”

“Are you kidding me? I feel like the entire Smurf village is playing around in my head, and they want me to go down there and talk about my feelings. Are they fucking with me?”

Zander was already beginning to like his new roommate. Now if he could just get the guy to be a bit more cooperative.

“I know it sucks,” Zander said. “But you don’t have a choice. Now get up, or I’ll have to carry you.”

Just when Zander thought for sure that he was going to have to go through with his threat, Richard kicked off the covers and sat up. He dangled his feet off the edge of the mattress for a moment, wobbling while he got his bearing, his eyes rolling back in his head a few times.

“Man, they dosed you up pretty good,” Zander laughed.

“I was having a real Joan Crawford moment.” Richard ran a hand through his messed up hair. “I don’t even want to see how I look. I can’t wait until they give me my clothes and styling stuff back. I feel lost without them.”

Zander laughed. “I know what you mean. The first day here, my hair hung in my face so bad, I looked like an emo kid trying to hide my face from the rest of the world.”

Richard gave a weak chuckle. “That must have been pretty tragic.”

Zander went over and put his hand on Richard’s arm, noting how pitifully thin it was. “Here, let me help you walk. We better get moving before we piss Samuel off even more. He can be a real asshole at times.”

“Great. I haven’t even gotten out of bed, and I’m already in trouble.”

They managed to make their way to the media room, and Zander sat Richard down in a chair next to him. Samuel gave them both a look of disdain. “Nice of you gentlemen to finally join us.”

He handed them both sheets of paper. Looking down, Zander saw they were pictures of large jars that were full of little blank pieces of paper.

“I want you to write on each of those pieces of paper things that make you angry,” Samuel said.

While Zander was tempted to fill each and every one of them with Samuel he knew better, so instead he arched over the paper and put some real work into it:

Food

Fear of being fat

Binging

Purging

Hate

My body

Letting others down

Allowing what others think to dictate what I do

Fear of being alone

Hating that I’m alone

My parents

That people can’t accept me for being gay

Out of interest, he peeked out of the corner of his eye to see what Richard had written. What he saw almost made Zander break down and cry. Over and over, Richard had written the same thing:

I’m broken and can’t be fixed

I’m broken and can’t be fixed

I’m broken and can’t be fixed

I’m broken and can’t be fixed

I’m broken and can’t be fixed

* * * *

After eating a breakfast that wasn’t fit for a dog, they told Richard that his doctor was there to see him. At first, he thought that it meant he would see the doctor immediately. He soon learned that it simply meant the doctor had arrived in the ward. Richard was expected to wait his turn in line with all the other patients assigned to that particular doctor. There were a lot of them, too. Since each appointment took about five minutes, it was a long wait.

He let out a sigh and slid down to the floor, so he could sit while he waited. The effects of the Haldol were still in his system, plus he was going through some serious caffeine withdrawal. While they did serve coffee, the sadistic bastards that they were offered only decaf. Richard snorted. They shouldn’t have bothered at all.

To pass the time, he people-watched. Since the doctor’s office was in the common area, he got to break the no-yellow band allowed rule and, for the first time, he was seeing all the patients.

While there were some like the man from the day before, who obviously belonged there, for the most part everybody looked so normal. They were clean-cut, laughing, dressed normally, and acting perfectly okay. They sure as hell weren’t talking to themselves, pissing in their pants, or drooling all over themselves.

In some strange way, it made Richard feel better about himself. That maybe there was hope for him after all. That was until he glanced down at himself. The tattered gown, gauzed arms, and emaciated body reminded him that he was nowhere near as normal looking as these people. They all probably looked at him and thought that he was some kind of freak. He knew he would if the situation had been reversed.

It was finally his turn, so he got off the ground and made his way into the office. As he took his seat, there was a moment of silence as the doctor looked through his file. Along with the doctor, a young female worker was in there. She had long raven hair and a smile that seemed to be locked into place. The doctor, on the other hand, was an older man who didn’t seem capable of a smile. He also didn’t seem to know how to style his mess of gray hair, since it stood up on end all over the place.

“How are you feeling this morning, Richard?” the doctor finally asked.

“A bit groggy.”

“That’s from the Haldol. You had some trouble last night?”

Richard fidgeted in his chair. “Yeah, it just kind of overwhelmed me a bit, I guess.”

The doctor made some notations before rattling off a mile long list of meds that Richard would be taking during his stay.

“How long do you think I will be staying here?” Richard asked.

The doctor gave a pointed glance to Richard’s wrists. “At least a week.”

Richard’s heart sank. A week seemed so long. “Do you have any idea what’s wrong with me?”

The doctor turned in his chair so he could gaze directly into Richard’s eyes. “By going over your chart from the hospital and from talking to you, I’m confident in saying that you have Bi-Polar II.”

And just like that, Richard’s life was never the same again.

Chapter Three

After his visit with the doctor, Richard found several brown paper sacks with his name on them waiting for him by the main desk. As he grabbed them, Lydia said, “We had to keep some of your hair products up here because there were springs in the pumps, but you can use them during sharps time.”

Since Richard had no clue what sharps time meant, he just nodded his thanks and grabbed the bags. He practically ran back to his room, eager to get a shower and out of the wretched gown.

“Hurry up, you only have ten minutes until smoke break, and then it’s med time. They’re putting a rush on your meds order, so you will have what you need,” Lydia called after him.

“Okay,” Richard yelled back.

He went and took the fastest shower he could remember, shivering under the lukewarm water. As he pulled his clothes on again, some sense of normalcy returned. That was until he slipped on his hoodie and noted that it was missing its drawstring. Then he realized they’d taken it out so he wouldn’t hang himself in his room. God, how much of a downer was that? Nothing like that to remind him of what kind of a place he was in.

He slid on his lace-less shoes, grabbed his pack of cigs and ran out just as they were letting the patients into the enclosed courtyard. He caught up to Zander. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Zander smiled, making him look all the cuter. “Not at all. You can sit with me, Jax, and all his friends.”

When Richard looked around and saw nobody else, Jax laughed. “I hear voices in my head. Zander likes to joke about it, so I don’t feel so bad.”

“Oh,” Richard replied. He guessed that made sense. It was better to laugh than to cry. “Well, tell them I said hello.”

A girl with long, blonde dreadlocks, a flowing skirt, and a flowered jean jacket joined them. “Hey, Zander. Who’s the new kid?”

“Zoey, this is Richard.”

“Oh.” She tilted her head to the side, her big brown eyes studying Richard carefully. “Is he gay, too?”

Richard felt his heart seize in dread. Nobody had so bluntly asked him that question. They usually at least said hello or how are you first.

“Now, now, now, Zoey, that’s rude,” Zander chastised as he lit up a cigarette.

To give him time to think of a correct answer, Richard lit his own cigarette and took in a deep drag. His body buzzed from the nicotine, since it’d been so long since he’d had a hit and, while it felt good, he was still a ball of nerves. What if Zander freaked out when he heard the truth?

“If it makes it any easier on you, I’m gay,” Zander offered.

“You are?” Richard asked, shocked.

Nothing about Zander had set off Richard’s gaydar. But then again, for most of the time they’d known each other, Richard had been high as a kite.

“I’m gay,” Richard all but whispered.

“I wonder if that’s why they put you together,” Jax wondered.

“I highly doubt it,” Zander snorted. “More than likely they would have kept us apart if they had known. I’ve never told them I was gay. Have you, Richard?”

Richard shook his head. “Whenever they ask, I always tell them I’m straight because I figure it’s none of their goddamn business who I sleep with.”

Zander grinned. “I’m really beginning to like you. I do the same thing. It’s my own way of giving them a great big fuck you. I feel like they shouldn’t be asking that kind of question in the first place. Just like when they ask me what religion I am. I told them I worship the spaghetti monster. You should have seen the expression on the intake nurse’s face. She actually asked me if that meant I couldn’t eat pasta.”

They all shared a laugh.

“You should have told her only whole grain, just to see her expression,” Richard said.

“I didn’t want to risk it, she already looked like she was ready to hit me over the head with her clipboard,” Zander said.

“I told them that I study Wicca, and they told me that I wasn’t allowed to sacrifice any animals,” Zoey shared.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jax exclaimed. “Did you tell them that Wicca was an earth-based religion, and there wasn’t anything like that involved?”

She gave a sad nod. “They told me that dabbling in witchcraft is probably what got me here in the first place.”

“I hope you reported her ass!” Jax seethed.

Zoey sighed. “Why bother? It won’t do any good. This place will never change.”

“You don’t know that,” Jax insisted.

“Like they’re ever going to listen to a bunch of crazies.” Zander ran his hand through his hair, leaving it a bit messed up.

“How do you know that for sure unless you try?” Richard challenged.

“My first day here, I freaked out really bad and they had to pin me down. One guard got a bit overzealous and nearly broke my arm. I filed a complaint, and you want to know what happened? Nothing! The asshole still works here. I have to see him every single, damn day.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Richard slowly shook his head.

He took a drag of his cigarette as he seethed over the unfairness of it all. How could some of them be so mean while others be kind like Lydia? Why couldn’t they meet in the middle somewhere and make a happy medium? Would that be so much to ask for?

“So, Richard, what do you do for a living?” Zoey asked.

It was a blatant attempt to change the subject, but he let it slide for now.

“I’m an artist.”

A slow look of awe came over her face, and Richard’s heart sank. This is so what he didn’t want happening.

“You’re fucking Richard Sanders, aren’t you?” she accused.

When Richard just gave a shrug in reply, she let out a squeal and spun around in excitement. “I can’t believe it. What is a famous dude like you doing in here?”

“I’m only famous with hipsters and poor college students, so that hardly makes me a celebrity. If it wasn’t for the small inheritance my grandmother left me, I’d be working in a coffee shop somewhere to make ends meet.”

She shook her head, a huge grin on her face. “The rest of the world just hasn’t realized how great you are yet. Once they do, you’re going to take off like crazy.” She turned to Jax and Zander. “You should see some of the stuff this kid can do, it’s fucking amazing. It’s so beautiful and hideous at the same time.”

Richard ran a hand through his hair, feeling embarrassed by all the attention. “Thanks…I think. Look, I’m just a guy who dabbles in paints and pencils, that’s all. I’ve had a few successful shows.”

“Successful?” she all but shrieked. “They went crazy over your stuff. You’re going make it big time. What are you doing in here?”

Richard held up his arms. “My Bi-Polar had other ideas as far as where my success should be going.”

Zoey’s face softened, her hand going to her mouth. “Oh my god. I am so sorry, Richard. I had no idea. Why?”

“I’m going to go out on a limb here,” Zander cut in with a drawl, “but, I think he wanted to die.”

Zoey shot him a scathing look. “Does everything have to be a joke with you?”

“Does everything have to be full of drama with you?” Zander countered.

“Well, we are here, so why not?” She threw her hands up into the air.

“Why are you even out here? You don’t even smoke,” Zander asked.

“Because, believe it or not, I like to spend time with your crazy ass,” she shot back.

“Hey! No using the crazy word,” one of the staff members admonished.

“Sorry,” Zoey called back with a roll of her eyes.

Zander looked abashed. “Sorry I got on your case, Zoey. I just had a really shitty morning. Samuel was our group leader.”

She pulled a face. “If that’s the case, then all is forgiven. I hate that weasel’s dick.”

Richard had to laugh because she had described Samuel perfectly. Not that he’d actually seen a weasel’s dick, but he could use his imagination.

“Everybody come in and line up for meds. Smoke time is over!” one of the staff members yelled.

Richard stomped out his butt and joined the others by the door. It was cold outside and, since he’d only worn his hoodie out, he was glad to get back into the warmth. Once inside, he followed the men and got into a long line behind a door that was split in half horizontally. The top half was open and a kindly, older woman was handing out little cups of pills.

Zander let out a sigh. “And now the real fun begins.”

“What’s that?”

“Where they dope us up, so we become good, compliant boys and girls.”

“You don’t think they’re doing it to help us?” Richard asked, horrified at the thought of being drugged up for no good reason.

Zander shrugged. “Who knows? All I do know is that last time I was here, as soon as I got out, my new doc changed all my meds. But then again, they’re always changing my meds, so that could mean nothing. They’re still trying to figure out what combo works on me. That’s the fun of being Bi-Polar.”

“You’re Bi-Polar, too?” Richard asked, hopefully. “They just told me this morning that’s what they think I have.”

Zander gave him a pitying look. “Good luck. It’s a shitty thing to have. Since what you have is a chemical imbalance in your brain, it takes them forever to figure out what exact combo of meds works best on you. They’re still trying to figure out with me, and I was diagnosed over six years ago.”

“Well, shit,” Richard muttered.

That hadn’t exactly been the news he’d wanted to hear. He’d hoped that there’d be some pill to take, and he’d be better, and that would be that. Now he was finding out that he was in for a much longer and harder battle.

“What? You didn’t think this would be easy, did you? What fun would that be?” Zander teased.

“I just thought that they would have some kind of pill for this condition by now,” Richard admitted.

“The chemical imbalance is different for each of us, which is why it’s so hard for them to figure out what meds to give us in the first place. That’s why one certain pill wouldn’t work for a cure,” Zander explained.

“How do you know so much about it? Are you a doctor or something?” Richard asked.

“Actually, I’m an author. I just happened to have done a lot of research on the topic. Which is why I know that it attacks artist types like you and I a lot for some reason. If you want, I can give you the name of some of the books I read. I’ll bet you’ll find them fascinating.”

The line was moving slowly, and Richard could feel himself getting antsy as the feeling of the walls closing in on him began to build up again. He found himself gazing down the hallway again. The one that had the doorway. The one that held the one lone window. He gazed out of it, wondering how much force it would take to smash the damn thing open.

“Don’t even think about it, or they’ll have you down to the ground before you make it halfway there,” Zander warned in a low voice.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Richard lied easily.

“Don’t try being cagey with me. You’re thinking about making a run for it. It won’t work for two reasons.”

“Oh, yeah? What are they?”

“One, that glass is so thick that not even the Rock himself could smash through it. Two, it only leads out to another courtyard that is surrounded by tall walls, so you won’t get very far.”

“Fuck me,” Richard growled.

“I would, but it’s against the rules for us to get frisky while being patients at the hospital.”

“Huh?” Richard asked, having got lost somewhere along the conversation.

“There’s no fraternization amongst patients allowed, so we will have to keep our passion at bay.”

Richard gave a laugh. “You are so weird.”

“Maybe so, but your panic attack has lessened a bit.”

Richard realized that Zander did have a point. While it still felt as if the walls were closing in on him, and he was having a hell of a time breathing, at least Richard didn’t have the urge to run anymore.

Zander reached over and ever-so-discreetly brushed their pinky fingers together. “It’ll be okay, Richie. I promise.”

Richie. Nobody had called him by that nickname in so long that Richard had nearly forgotten it existed. It sounded nice on Zander’s lips though, and Richard found himself hoping he heard a lot more of it.

“Come on, we’re up next. You can go first,” Zander pulled Richard to his feet.

Richard winced at the pain the movement caused to his wrist. He knew he should probably tell somebody that they’d been itchy and aching. An infection was probably setting in, and that was the last thing he needed.

He went up to the nurse station and patiently waited for her to notice him. She made a few notes in her chart before she glanced up, a huge smile covering her wrinkled face. “You must be Richard Sanders, the new boy.”

When he just nodded, she reached out. “I still need to follow protocol and check your armband.”

Once she’d done that, she began to push numbers into various consoles and open several drawers to take out strips of medications. Richard’s eyes grew wide as the number of pills filling the cup grew and grew. Did they think he was Judy Garland or something?

“Are those all for me?” he finally blurted.

Turning, she poured him a glass of water. “Sorry, but yeah. Hopefully, they’ll be able to wean you off of them at a later time, but for now you’re stuck with this.”

She handed him the cup of pills before reciting off each one and what they were for. Richard tried to keep up, because he knew he was responsible for keeping track of all his meds, but they soon just became a blur to him. Once she finished, she nodded to the cup.

Like the good, dutiful patient that he was, he swallowed them down, following them with the small glass of water. He even opened his mouth and lifted his tongue without being instructed to. He then crunched up the cup and threw it in a nearby can.

“I need to check your wrists, sweetie,” she said.

Richard set his arms, palm side up, on the ledge and watched as she cut away at the bulky bandages.

“Whoever put these on should be shot. They did a lousy job,” she complained as she struggled to get through the mess.

“I don’t think they were too pleased with me at the moment.”

“That’s still no excuse for them not to do their job properly.”

She finally got the bandages off, and what she saw made her gasp in horror. The deep slash marks were oozing puss, plus they were red and puffy. “It’s a good thing you’re seeing the medical doctor today, as he’s going to be pissed as hell when he sees this.”

It gave Richard a small measure of comfort to see somebody mad on his behalf. Maybe all the staff weren’t bad after all. She grabbed some long pieces of gauze and soaked them in sterile water. Placing them over the wounds, she gestured to a chair and said, “Wait there until he can come and look them over. Then I’ll properly bandage them for you. Don’t you worry, sweetie. I’ll take good care of you.”

“Thanks,” Richard said.

He really meant it, too. It was nice to be pampered for once. It’d been so long, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like. He sank down in the chair and glanced at the gauze on his arms. Already, blood and pus were beginning to leak through. Talk about yuck.

A few minutes later, Zander came over and joined him.

“Are you seeing the doctor, too?” Richard asked.

“Nah, I thought that maybe you could use some company. I know how hard the first day here can be.”

Richard didn’t want to admit it, but he had been feeling overwhelmed. It was good to have his Zander-security-blanket there, even if he’d only known the guy less than a day.

“Just tell me that it gets easier here,” Richard said.

Zander gave him a small grin. “Believe it or not, it does. Once you get a hang of the routine, it’s almost a piece of cake. It’s just the boredom that’s the hard part. There’s only one TV, and it’s in the media room, and the other guys always have it on sports. It could be worse, though.”

“How so?”

“I heard the women have it on the reality shows all the time.” Zander shuddered. “Now, that’s just plain wrong. One can only take so much Honey Boo Boo.”

Chapter Four

After they left the nurse’s station, they decided to go to the media room. As they passed the common room, Lydia called out Richard’s name. When they stopped, she held up a white armband. “You’ve been cleared, baby.”

Zander grinned at the look of joy that passed over Richard’s face. It was amazing how much joy one could find in a little piece of plastic while stuck in this kind of joint. Richard held out his arm, which was now wrapped in a much better bandage job. Lydia cut away the old armband and replaced it with the new white one.

“Now you can come down with us at lunch. Wait until you see the salad bar. We have croutons and everything,” Zander teased. “The only thing that’s missing is real coffee.”

Lydia rolled her eyes. “It’s a good thing, too. I can only imagine how you would be on caffeine. We would always have to tie you down.”

Zander waggled his eyebrows. “Is that a promise?”

She let out a sigh. “Just get your skinny ass into the media room. They’re about to start group.”

“Not another one,” Zander groaned.

It wasn’t even ten in the morning, and Zander was already getting sick of them. How many of them did they have each day? He hadn’t been forced to play with others this much since preschool. One would think after being there a week he would be used to them, yet they continued to grate on him.

“Do we really have another group?’ Richard’s sour expression showed he wasn’t looking any more forward to it than Zander.

“You’re going to like this one, it’s recreational,” Lydia assured.

“You’re not going to like this one,” Zander countered.

Lydia put one hand on her hip and gave him a stern look. “Why can’t you be positive about anything?”

“In case you haven’t read my file, I’ve been known to have fits of depression,” Zander deadpanned.

She pointed once again at the door. “Just get in there before you really make me mad.”

“Love you, too, Lydia,” Zander called.

Strange as it might seem, Zander meant it. If it hadn’t been for Lydia, he would never have made it this far. It was thanks to her kind, yet stern, guiding hand that he hadn’t lost it completely. He owed everything to her.

They walked in, and Zander groaned when he saw a series of tables set up, a Yahtzee game at each one. Come on! Did they think that they were ten years old or something. Biffy, the recreational supervisor, stood at the front of the room. She reminded Zander of the Energizer Bunny because she was always smiling and kept going and going and going. The only difference was she was blonde and had an orange complexion because there was never a spray tan that she could say no to.

“Seriously?” Zander said as he took a seat.

Richard took the one next to him and picked up the little red cup. “I think the last time I played this was in sixth grade.”

One of the staff members, a younger good-looking guy named Mike, came in. He had Carl by the hand and was speaking soothing words to him. He led him over to Zander and had him sit in the empty chair at their table.

“Hey, do you mind if Carl plays with you guys?” Mike asked.

Zander shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Carl gave a frantic shake of his head. “But Samuel said I was too stupid to play this game.”

Mike got down on one knee so he was face level with Carl. “Now, we both know that’s not true. Plus, Zander will help you if you get confused. Won’t you, Zander?”

Zander felt a flash of anger go through him, but he worked quickly to hide it, lest Carl think it was directed at him. How dare Samuel make Carl think less of himself? As it was, Carl had the self-confidence of a flea.

“Of course, I’ll help you, Carl. Not that you’ll need it. The game is easy, and you’re so smart, you’ll get the hang of it quick.”

“I’ll help you, too,” Richard offered.

A warm feeling went through Zander at the man’s offer. Richard was quickly getting under his skin, which could become a dangerous thing in a place like this. They were supposed to focus only on themselves and their own recovery. If the staff were to even catch a whiff of the fact that Zander was developing an attraction to Richard, there could be real trouble for the both of them.

Besides, even if they did like each other, what chance would two basket cases like them ever have of making it? Zander could just see their honeymoon right now. Zander would be in the bathroom of their honeymoon suite, puking up their cake. Meanwhile, Richard would be using the knife set from their bridal registry to cut himself. It would be a scene right out of Wedding’s Weekly.

They began to play the game, Richard and Zander walking Carl through the steps. While it did make more work for them, it was worth it just to see the excitement on the man’s face whenever he made a good roll.

At the end, when it came time to total up the sore, both Zander and Richard declared that Carl was the winner, even though it was obvious just by glancing at the pads that he was the lowest scorer. He clapped his hands together and let out a loud laugh.

He got up and went to every table to tell them that he’d won. Zander looked over at Richard. “Thank you.”

Richard glanced up from under his lashes. “For what? Doing the right thing? Anybody would have done the same.”

“No, they wouldn’t have, and we both know it.”

“Yeah, well, they should have.”

“You know what I wish?”

Richard tilted his head to the side. “What?”

“That I met you anywhere but here. Then I could have asked you out on a real date.”

Richard ducked his head. “Yeah, I wish the same thing, too.”

They were interrupted when Biffy stood at the front of the room and loudly clapped her hands. “Okay, gang. It’s time to clean up and get ready for lunch.”

Boy, she really did think that they were just a bunch of kids. She really missed her calling because she was much better suited for a job as a kindergarten teacher. Zander was amazed that she didn’t hand out graham crackers and milk during their activities. Not that he would complain if she did, but it would be kind of annoying and demeaning.

They put their stuff away, then lined up behind the double doors that led to the cafeteria. Since the doors, like every other damn one in the place, were locked, they had to wait for a staff member to unlock them and escort them to the cafeteria. While they waited, they made small talk.

“I hope it’s not fish again,” Jax said with a shudder. “I still can’t get that smell out of my mind.”

“Maybe it will be chicken nuggets. Those were yummy,” Carl chimed in, a huge grin on his face.

“Is it at least better than breakfast?” Richard asked with a shudder.

“Richie, anything is better than the breakfast they serve here,” Zander replied.

He didn’t miss the small smile that played on Richard’s lips at the use of the nickname. Zander vowed to use it from now on.

“How are my favorite boys doing?” Zoey asked as she joined them.

“Just ducky. And how are you?” Zander asked.

She made a face. “They made us do Zumba for rec time. Does this body look like it was made for rocking and rolling?”

She gestured down to herself. Sure, she had a few extra curves, but she was far from heavy. “You look just fine to me, beautiful.”

She gave him a playful slap. “You just say that because we’re friends.”

Zander was about to tell her that he really meant it, but the line started to move. They wound their way through and walked into the cafeteria. Grabbing his tray, Zander looked over to see what his choices were for lunch that day. Picking a burger and fries, he then grabbed a drink.

Going to their usual table by the old piano, he started to eat. Soon Richie, Jax, and Zoey joined them. When Zoey began to shovel her food in, Richie raised a brow but didn’t say anything. Zander bit his tongue. Richie would see why she was in such a rush soon enough. Let him be surprised, it would be better that way.

After a few bites, Richie said, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the food is actually pretty good.”

“It’s not Mom’s cooking, but it’ll do,” Zander agreed. “I would still kill for some good fast food, though. Oh, and a good cup of coffee.”

“Me, too,” Zoey agreed. “The first thing I’m going to do when I leave here is hit the first coffee shop I see and order a double shot.”

She finished her last bite and stood up. Going over to the piano, she began to play. At first it was a few experimental keys but soon a song developed. It didn’t take long for it to become obvious that she had a raw, natural talent. Soon she began to sing along.

“What is she singing,” Carl asked, his voice laced with awe.

“The Boxer by Mumford and Sons,” Richie said, his tone soft with amazement.

Zander looked on with pride. Zoey’s voice was thick and rich, like smoke and whiskey, and the way she worked the keys was pure magic. Her talent was unmatched by anybody, amateur or professional.

“She was supposed to be the next big thing,” Zander confessed, his heart breaking.

“What happened?” Richard asked.

“They found her on the rooftop of the recording studio. She was nude and trying to fly. After that, she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. And no record label wanted to the risk.”

“Why not? She’s amazing,” Richie argued. “Plus, there have been plenty of other singers who have had mental illnesses, and they made it just fine.”

“Ah, but the truth about them didn’t come out until after they were big. Zoey was still just a nobody. So to the label, she was just too much of a liability.”

“That’s so unfair,” Richie protested.

“I agree. Here we’re listening to probably one of the greatest singers ever, and the rest of the world is never going to have that honor. While it’s great for us, it still sucks,” Zander agreed.

It was true, too, he wasn’t being dramatic. He couldn’t think of a better artist than Zoey, but her dream would never fully be realized and why? Because she was bogged down by her mental disease. Damn but it sucked to be them sometimes. Hell! Who was he kidding? It sucked to be them most days.

Next, she switched to AWOLNATION’s Sail, and the whole room had grown silent as they all listened to her sing the lyrics, the ones that seemed to hit so close to home. Zander glanced over at Richie and noted that he was mouthing along with the lyrics, his gaze fixated on Zoey.

Zander wondered if Zoey knew what kind of pull she had on people. Probably not. She always thought so little of herself. She just assumed that she was passing the time by playing a little music. But as she sat there pouring her heart out on that piano, she was helping them heal, if only a little bit.

Zander knew that he, for one, got more out of those two songs than both of that morning’s group meetings combined.

Chapter Five

Later that night, Richard lay in bed but he found himself unable to sleep, which was amazing considering the amount of meds they’d given him.

“Hey, Zander? Are you asleep?”

“No, these damn mattresses are too uncomfortable,” he grunted.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“It’s kind of personal.”

“Go ahead. If I don’t want to answer it, I’ll tell you.”

Richard took a deep breath. “How did you end up in here?”

It was silent for so long that Richard though for sure he was going to get a great big fuck off, but then Zander spoke up. “Like you, I tried to check out.”

“You tried to kill yourself?”

“Yeah, but I used pills instead of cutting my wrists.” Zander gave a dry laugh. “I was living at my parents’ house at the time because I was so thin from the bulimia that they were beginning to freak out and didn’t want me out of their sight.”

“It got that bad, huh?”

“Yeah, the sad thing was they didn’t even realize that I was still doing it right under their noses. I had gotten so good at hiding it that I could puke without making a sound. They thought everything was hunky dory, and I was still purging six to seven times a day.”

“I guess that makes sense. I learned how to hide my cutting, too. They would look for it in one area, so I would move on to another spot on my body,” Richard surmised.

“Well, one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. All the lying, the hiding, the failing, the pain. So, I grabbed the first bottle of pills I could find and took every one of them.”

Richard brought his hand to his mouth. “What happened next?”

“My mom came in and screamed at me for taking all her Midol, then she called 911.”

Even though he knew it wasn’t a funny matter, a small bubble of laughter burst past Richard’s lips. “You took her Midol?”

Zander chuckled in return. “You should have seen the medic’s face when he found out. Especially when I told him it was because I was having really, really bad period cramps.”

That did it, and they both cracked up. They didn’t stop until their door opened, and a staff member stuck his head in and said, “Bed check.”

“How often do they do that?” Richard asked.

“Every five to ten minutes.” Zander got up and cracked the door open a few inches. “There, now they’ll just peek in and not say anything. We’ll be stuck having to hear the noises from the hall, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Does it get loud at night?”

Zander yawned as he climbed back into bed. “There are a few night crawlers, but usually it’s not too bad once you get used to it.”

“Night crawlers?” Richard echoed.

“Those are the guys who sleep all day and walk around all night. They’re long-termers, but it’s too dangerous for them in one of the other wards. The guys there would attack them.”

“But I thought that there weren’t any long-termers here,” Richard said.

“By long term. I mean more than just a week or two.”

“How do they get out of going to group?”

“Trust me. Richie, these are the type of guys who won’t get anything out of group.”

There was a long pause before Richard admitted. “I like it when you call me that.”

“What? Richie?”

“Yeah, nobody has since I’ve been a kid.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you try to kill yourself?”

Richard grew tense as his heart skipped a beat. “You’re going to think I’m stupid.”

“No, I won’t. I swear.”

“Promise.”

“Pinkie promise.”

Richard let out a deep breath. “I did it because my dad said he was proud of me.”

“Come again?”

“He said he was proud of me.”

Zander got up on one elbow. While he looked perplexed, there was no judgment on his handsome face. “So, why would that make you want to kill yourself? I would think that would have the opposite effect.”

“The thing is he’s always bashed me down my entire life. Ever since I can remember, I was never good enough for him. I didn’t play sports like my brothers, because I liked to draw instead. The only good grades I ever received were in art class. When I went to college and majored in art, he nearly had a coronary. He took that worse than when I told him I was gay.”

“What did he want you to major in instead?” Zander asked softly.

“Law.”

“I’m glad you didn’t listen to him. Your soul would have shriveled up in that kind of environment.”

Richard stared in awe at Zander. Here this guy had known him only a day, and yet he understood Richard better than his own damn family. It made Richard want to shake his head in amazement. Either they were all blind and stupid, or Zander was a genius when it came to seeing into other’s souls.

“You’re right, I would have.”

“Tell me the rest of the story,” Zander urged.

“The only reason I was able to support myself after school was because of a small inheritance my grandmother left me. When they say starving artist, they aren’t kidding. Even then, I had to room with some witch named Gretchen. She was always bitching at me for making a mess with my paints…oh, and my blood. She really wasn’t fond of my cutting habit.”

“She sounds like a real gem.”

“She was the one who found me in the tub and called 911. I haven’t seen or talked to her since. Except for one angry voice mail she left on my phone. She never bothered to call or come to see me while I was in the hospital.”

“You skipped over the part of why you slit your wrists.”

Richard swallowed hard. So he had. “I had just had my second show. It was a smashing success. I was finally making a name for myself. Just like I always wanted. My name was getting out there. I was becoming somebody. That’s when the call came. It was from my dad. He told me that he was so proud of me.”

“Yet, he never had been before. You had to become famous before he gave a damn,” Zander said with understanding.

“Yeah, all I wanted was his unconditional love. And that was when I realized I would never get it. The only reason he gave a damn about me was because I was finally making a name for myself and becoming successful. He didn’t want the son, but he wanted the future famous artist.”

“Shit, that just sucks. I’m so sorry, Richie.”

Richard shrugged. “You have nothing to apologize for. You weren’t the one who broke me. He was.”

“You’re not broken, Richie, you’re just bent a little bit.”

How Richard wanted to believe those words. But as he glanced down at his wrists, it was hard to think otherwise. Only a broken person would try to check out like he had. And he had truly tried to check out. He hadn’t expected Gretchen to come home for hours, which would have left him plenty of time to bleed out.

“Hey, Zander?”

“What?”

“Do you still want to die?”

“No, I realized I’m way too selfish to deprive the world of my presence.” Zander yawned again. “What about you? Still thinking of offing yourself?”

Richard carefully mulled that one over in his head for several moments. “No, while it would be a great way to give my dad one last great fuck you, the rest of my life is going so well. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard to gain.”

One of the staff members stopped by and peeked their head in before leaving.

“God, that really is annoying,” Richard griped.

“Yeah, they don’t even give you enough time to jackoff if you want to.”

They both burst into laughter. Once they were somber again, Zander asked, “So, how was your first day here?”

“I wouldn’t say it was a trip to the day spa, but it was tolerable thanks to you. You have no idea how grateful I am that you took me under your wing.”

Zander gave a dismissive wave of his hand. “It’s nothing. What can I say? I’m a sucker for cute boys.”

They both laid back down, but Richard couldn’t get the grin off his face. Zander said that he was cute! It wasn’t exactly an undying declaration of love, but at least it was a start.

He laid awake for a long time, his mind full of thoughts about the day’s events. The air was full of the sounds from the nightcrawlers’ slippers scraping over the tile floor.

The next few days passed by and were pretty boring. Richard soon got the schedule, and he found out that not all the groups were bad. In fact, he actually got something out of most of them. Even Samuel’s were good when he wasn’t in dick-weed mode.

Then what was later to be called the Carl Incident happened. It was right before breakfast and, looking back on it, Richard realized that he should have seen it coming. Carl always asked for his breakfast during that time, but that day he’d seemed more agitated than normal.

“I want my breakfast,” Carl whined for what had to be the tenth time.

Lydia gave her smoothing smile, the one that never failed to work miracles—up until that day. “Right after group, sweetie. I promise I will personally go get your tray myself.”

Carl pulled his knees up to his chest and began to rock back-and-forth. “Nooooooooooo…I want it now. I’m hungry now!”

“Carl, do you need to go sit someplace quiet where you can calm down a bit?”

And just like that the nice, gentle Carl was gone and a violent, angry Carl took his place. Standing up, Carl grabbed his chair and threw it. It hit Jax in the back of the head, instantly drawing blood. Shocked, Richard was still able to think quickly enough to take off his hoodie and press it to the back of Jax’s head to stop the bleeding.

All the while, Carl was continuing with his outburst. Next to go was the machine that dispensed decaf coffee. It was one of those industrial things, but Carl still managed to rip it from the wall. He tossed that at a group of guys. They parted like the Red Sea, all of them avoiding being hit.

Meanwhile, Lydia was screaming for all of what her five-foot four inches worth. Soon, several staff members came rushing in and none of them looked happy. In fact, they looked like a SWAT team dressed in scrubs.

“Everybody take a seat, and don’t move,” one of the bigger men yelled.

Since he looked like he had more muscles than Arnold and the Rock combined, Richard’s ass found the closest chair. He just made sure that he kept pressure on Jax’s injury. It made it so Richard had to keep his arm in the air, but it was better than disobeying orders.

They moved in on Carl, but ol’ Carl had other ideas. He picked up a small end table and tossed it at them. The workers all had to take a step back to avoid being clocked.

“I want my breakfast!” Carl yelled.

Richard felt like crying. Why in the hell couldn’t they just bend the rules for once and let Carl have his breakfast before group? Nobody would have cared. In fact, they probably would have all been grateful since they wouldn’t have had to listen to Carl bitch about it during group. But nooooo, they had to stick to their damn rules and, because of it, Carl had a breakdown, and now he was going to be in big trouble. The unfairness of it all made Richard want to punch the wall or something.

They moved in again, but the only weapons Carl had left in his arsenal were magazines. He began to hurl them, but they had little effect, and soon they had pinned him to the ground. The nurse rushed over, a full syringe in her hand.

“Come on, you don’t have to do this,” Zander protested.

“Just bring him his breakfast tray, and he’ll be fine,” Richard added.

“He didn’t mean to hurt me,” Jax said.

Other patients added in their own objections to Carl’s treatment, but they were all ignored. They injected Carl with the sedative and dragged him out.

Afterward, some medics came in and took over care of Jax. They took him to the small infirmary that was on the hospital grounds. After all the fun was over, everybody else left, save for Lydia, Richard, and Zander.

“Where are they taking Carl?” Richard asked Lydia.

He knew that out of all the staff, she was the most likely to tell the truth. In fact, her eyes were full of tears as she watched Carl being dragged away, almost as if she was outraged at the treatment of the man, but knew better than to speak out against it.

“They’ll take him to seclusion for now,” she said in a quavering voice.

“And then what?” Richard asked, a pit forming in his stomach.

“I’m not going to lie to you. Since he hurt another patient enough to draw blood, there’s a good chance that they will move him to one of the more secure units.”

Richard shook his head in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening. And to Carl, of all people. He was the most gentle of them all. “Carl would never survive in another unit, and you know it.”

Her gaze grew sad. “I know, but it’s out of our hands now.”

Richard threw up his hands in frustration. “How can you say that? There has to be something you can do. You work here.”

“I’m just another staff member with low seniority. My word doesn’t carry much power. Trust me, if it did, there would be a lot of things that would be changed around here.”

Zander came over and gently tugged on Richard’s arm. “Come on, it’s time for smoke break. Let’s go.”

Richard allowed himself to be pulled away only because he knew that the conversation he was having with Lydia wasn’t going to get him anywhere. It didn’t matter who he spoke to, he could talk until he was blue in the face and Carl’s situation wouldn’t get any better.

Richard went outside, lit his cigarette, and began to angrily pace. “This just sucks. They’re going to put Carl in another unit.”

“I could have told you that the minute he threw that chair,” Zander said. “This is the non-violent wing, and they’re very strict about that rule.”

“But Carl didn’t mean to hit anybody. He was just frustrated.”

“It doesn’t matter. His actions caused somebody to get hurt. That’s enough for them.” Zander gave a sad smile.

“I wonder how Jax is doing?” Richard asked.

“Last I heard, he was going to need some stitches,” Tommy, one of the younger staff members, said.

“Shit, that’s gotta hurt,” Richard cursed, his heart going out to Jax.

The thing was this was going to hit Jax the hardest. He liked Carl a lot and was always looking out for the guy. To find out that Carl was being sent to one of the tougher units on his account was going to fill Jax with all kinds of guilt.

Richard let out another curse. Just when he thought this place couldn’t get any worse, it had to go and prove him wrong.

Chapter Six

Richard was just coming back from dinner when Tommy called to him,” You have a phone call.”

Perplexed, because nobody had called him since he’d arrived there, Richard slowly approached the line of phones. Picking up the receiver like it might be a snake ready to bite him, Richard gave a tentative, “Hello?”

“Richard, it’s me, Gretchen.”

“Oh, hey!” What in the hell was she calling for? “How are things going?”

“Fine, now that I got all the blood stains out of the bathroom grout. It wasn’t easy.”

“I’m really sorry about that.”

She snorted. “Yeah, I bet you were. It got you a ton of attention, so you just gobbled it up.”

Richard swallowed hard. Usually Gretchen was in one of two moods—mean or bitchy. It looked like she was going for bitchy that day. “You could have called a cleaning service. I would have picked up the bill.”

“Like I could trust a crazy to pay me when he gets out of the loony bin. For all I know, you could be stuck in there for good.”

Richard ran a hand through his hand and noted how his fingers were trembling. “Well, they think I should only be here a week tops, so I’ll be back there then.”

“No, you won’t be.”

“You’re wrong. I talked to the doctor today, and he assured me they would be releasing me then.”

“I don’t care when they release you, dumbass, you won’t be coming back here. I already rented out your room.”

Richard fell silent as that news slowly sank in. “You can’t just up and do that. There are renter laws and stuff that say you have to give me notice and stuff.”

“I’ll tell them that you threatened to kill me. Who do you think they’ll believe, me or the crazy boy who just got out of the loony bin?”

Richard gripped the phone so tight that it bit into the palm of your hand. “You are such a bitch.”

“Funny, that’s exactly what your father called me today when he came by to pick up all your stuff. He said to tell you that he’ll keep it in storage until you find a place of your own.”

“You had no right!” Richard yelled.

“Maybe not, but I did it anyway. Oh, and Richard, I kept your half of the deposit. Consider it a clean-up fee for all the blood I had to deal with.”

With those words, she hung up on him.

Richard sat there for several moments, just listening to the busy signal before somebody gently pried the phone from his hand and hung it up. Turning, Richard wasn’t surprised to find Zander standing there, a worried expression on his face.

“Let me guess, it was your father,” Zander said.

“Wrong, it was Gretchen.”

Zander’s brows rose a fraction of an inch. “What did she want?”

“She called to tell me that she not only kicked me out, but she had my dad ship all my crap to a storage place.”

Richard thought of them pawing through his personal belongings, some of which was very personal and embarrassing. Never before had he felt so violated or betrayed. It was as if they’d stripped him naked and exposed him for the whole world to see.

“Some of those painting were priced in the thousands, and now they’re tossed in some cut-rate storage place like they’re pieces of garbage,” Richard rasped.

He didn’t even want to think of his other pieces, the ones he was still working on and what they might have brought in. Not to mention his collection of expensive paints, canvases, and other supplies. It was all making him sick to his stomach.

Zander grabbed Richard by the shoulders and led him to the media room. While none of the chairs there were particularly comfortable, they found two of the least torturous ones and sat down.

“You’re better off without her,” Zander soothed. “From what little you told me about her, she was a real witch.”

“I know. I just thought that we were at least kind of friends or that we liked each other enough for her not to do this kind of thing to me.”

“You need to learn that most people are real assholes. Besides, weren’t you just saying the other day that you wanted to get a nice studio apartment?”

“Yeah.” Richard rested his head on the back of the chair.

“So, why not do it now? You’re finally making money from your paintings. You could afford it,” Zander suggested.

“I would still have to get a roommate.”

“I would room with you.” Zander gave him a sexy smile. “We would only need one bed.”

A thrill went through Richard, and all his sorrow vanished as his cock began to swell. “Would it be a good idea for us to live together?”

“Why not?”

“Well, because we’re both…you, know…sick?”

“We can take care of each other. It would be perfect.”

Despite all the warning bells telling him that it would be a powder keg waiting to explode, Richard felt himself warming to the idea. “We could section off the studio. A spot for me to paint, another for you to write.”

“And the bed could be off to one corner. So we could meet for breaks.” Zander made a happy humming sound. “Just think about it, Richie, it would be pure heaven. No rules, we could touch each other whenever we wanted, fuck to our heart’s content and nobody could say a damn word about it.”

Richard leaned in a bit closer. “Better yet, we could have all the coffee we want to drink.”

“We could bathe in it if we want. We’d even add extra creamer and sugar,” Zander countered.

“It could get sticky.”

“That’s okay, we’d just lick it off each other.”

“What are you trying to do here, kill me?” Richard groaned.

“I got your mind off Gretchen, didn’t I?” Zander teased in the special, yet sexy way of his.

Their special moment of rare privacy was interrupted when both men and women began to shuffle in for group. Richard was now glad they’d come in early, so they wouldn’t have to fight for a good seat. Whenever they had the men and women meet together, somebody always ended up standing.

When Tommy came in to lead, Richard perked up. Everybody knew that Tommy led some of the best group meetings there. Not only was he entertaining, but he genuinely seemed to care. It also meant that it would soon be standing room only since everybody always came to Tommy’s groups.

He had a bright red handball with him. As usual, his only deference for the staff uniform was a scrub top. Instead of the bottoms, he wore a pair of older looking jeans and sneakers. Richard didn’t know how he got away with it, but he’d worn the same kind of clothing every day that Richard had been there, so obviously nobody had called him out on it yet.

Once they were all settled in, and quieted down, Tommy held up the ball. “This, ladies and gentlemen, is the truth ball, when it’s in your hands, you have to tell us something about yourselves that we don’t already know. It doesn’t have to big, so it could be something as simple as your favorite candy bar. But, if you feel the need, it can be something more important to you. Remember, nothing said here will leave this room, and nobody will judge you. Does everybody understand the rules?”

There was a brief pause while everybody slowly nodded. Tommy tossed the ball to the nearest patient. A pretty, blonde woman named Candy who always hung out with a group of girls who were just as good looking. She blinked a few moments, before she stammered, “I…uh, hate spiders.”

She then tossed the ball toward the other side of the room. It was caught by the guy who never showered. He gazed at the ball, then mumbled, “I’m afraid nobody will ever like me.”

He next tossed it to Jax. Jax gazed down for a moment before saying, “I’m scared that if I die, nobody will even notice.”

“I would notice,” Zander cut in.

“Me, too,” Richard agree.

“So would I,” Zoey added. “Who else would help me keep my hair so beautiful?”

The room broke out in warm laughter.

The ball continued to be tossed around the room. Some of the revelations were light, while others more personal.

“I hate dogs.”

“My mother said she wished I was never born.”

“I hate candy corn, because no food should be three different colors.”

“I hate that my dog, Missy, had to die.”

Then as the game progressed, all the revelations became serious.

“I hate that my mama stood by and let my daddy rape me,” one older woman said, tears in her eyes.

“I hate that I had to hide out in my bedroom while my mother’s boyfriends beat her.”

Richard caught the ball. “I hate that nobody can love me—just for being me.”

“I love you,” Zoey whispered.

Strangely enough, Richard believed her. “Thanks, Zoey. I love you, too. You can be the sister I never had.”

She gave him that sweet smile of hers before looking down at the ground, but not before Richard caught the pleased flush on her face. It was no secret that she was starved for love, too.

Richard tossed the ball, which was caught by an elderly woman. “I’m hate that my husband still thinks it’s okay to punch me.”

She tossed the ball to Zander. He paused for the longest time, his gaze on the ball before he rasped, “I’m afraid that I’ll be unworthy and let those that I care about down.”

It killed Richard to hear the pain in Zander’s tone as he spoke those words. What happened in Zander’s past to make him think so little of himself?

“You’re not unworthy. You’re a good person,” Richard protested.

Zander shook his head. “No, I’m not. If I were, then I would have never left him behind that day.”

“Who?” Tommy prodded.

“My little brother, Alex. We were out riding our bikes, and Alex was trying to tag along, like a typical little brother would. Me, being the jerk I was, just rode harder, leaving him farther behind.” Zander let out a small sob. “He was just a fucking kid who wanted to be included. It wouldn’t have hurt us to let him hang out with us for a little bit. Then all of the sudden, this van came out of nowhere. It was speeding, full of a group of teenagers who’d been drinking. They didn’t even have time to put on their brakes. They hit Alex full on, and he was killed on contact.”

“Shit,” Zoey breathed, her eyes wide with horror.

Zander continued in a wooden tone, “I ran over, but even I could tell it was too late, his skull was busted open and blood, and his brains were all over the ground. The driver of the van took one look at Alex, then drove off. Not that it mattered, the police caught him later. The police and then the ambulance showed up on the scene, but there wasn’t anything they could do to save Alex. Then my parents came. They were so mad at me. I can still hear my mother screaming at me.”

“What happened next?” Tommy asked.

“They buried Alex a week later. They tried the driver of the van, but he didn’t serve much time.”

Richard brought a hand to his face and realized he’d been crying when he felt how wet his cheeks were.

“How old were you at the time?” Tommy asked.

“Twelve. Alex was six.”

“I’m sure your parents didn’t blame you,” Tommy said.

“They told me they did. That was right before they stopped talking to me. My mother didn’t say anything to me for three months, while my dad lasted a whole year.”

Richard gasped in outrage. What kind of parents would do that to their own child? They were the real monsters in the situation.

The room was silent as a heavy sadness filled the air. Tommy came over and gently pried the ball from Zander’s fingers. “I hope someday you realize that you did nothing wrong. Even if you had been riding right along with Alex, there’s nothing that you could have done to change the situation.”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” Zander rasped.

“I know, but maybe one day you will come to realize the truth.”

Tommy went back to the front of the room. “Okay, it’s time for smoke break, and then it’s visiting night.”

Richard didn’t even bother to get excited about visitors night. He knew nobody would be coming to see his lousy ass. The only good thing about it would be that he and Zander might actually get control of the TV for once since the media room would be deserted.

He met Zoey and Jax outside. It was getting colder, so Richard zipped up his hoodie and lit up. He puffed in deeply, enjoying the initial nicotine buzz. Damn, he knew that he should really give the things up, but he had so few vices, he didn’t drink, watched his carbs…or rather tried to, didn’t go out partying, didn’t do drugs, so couldn’t he have this one itty, bitty one?

He could almost hear the Surgeon General yelling a big fat no in his ear on that one.

“You doing okay?” Richard asked Zander.

Zander used his free hand to wipe at his eyes. “Damn Tommy and his groups. They always turn me into a sniveling mess. I hate to get emotional, too.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Zoey drawled sarcastically.

The front door opened and one of the staff members stuck their head out the door. “Hey, Richard! You have visitors.”

“Are you sure?” Richard called back.

“Yeah, it’s your mom and dad.”

Shocked, Richard put his cigarette out and made his way to the door. What in the hell did they want with him? Something told him that they weren’t visiting to say that they loved him and wanted to give him a get-well hug.

Chapter Seven

Richard was escorted to the cafeteria since that’s apparently where they had visitation. When he turned and spotted his mother and father sitting at one of the smaller round tables, looking so forlorn, he couldn’t help but let out a little shuddering breath.

Like them or not, they were his parents, and he loved them, and it hurt to see them this worried. It did shock him to see that they cared enough to even appear so concerned, but they did, and for that Richard felt guilty yet a bit touched at the same time.

As soon as he approached the table, his mother jumped to her feet and enveloped him in a tight hug that seemed to go on forever. Richard just closed his eyes and got lost in the familiar scent of her expensive perfume.

Once she pulled back, his father got up. Richard held his hand out for their customary handshake. After all, in their family, men didn’t hug. So he was in for the shock of his life when his father wrapped his arms around Richard and pulled him into an embrace that was even tighter than his mother’s had been.

For a moment, Richard froze, shocked and not knowing how to react. But he gradually brought his arms up and returned the hug. At first it felt awkward, but after a few moments it began to feel…right. And soon Richard was sinking into the embrace and soaking up the comfort that was being offered.

How he’d waited so long for this moment. He’d dreamed so long of it happening, yet never dared believed that it actually would. But here they were in the middle of a mental hospital of all places, hugging for the first time in years.

“I love you, son,” his father rasped as if holding back tears.

“I love you, too, Dad.”

“I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. It wasn’t until you tried to kill yourself that I realized what an asshole I’ve been. When I thought about how close we came to losing you, I… Well, let’s just say, I beat the hell out of myself.”

They all sat back down.

“But if that’s the case, then why didn’t you come see me when I was still in the regular hospital?” Richard asked.

His father had the good graces to look guilty. “Let’s just say that was during the beating the hell out of me part.”

His mother rolled her eyes. “What he’s trying to say is he got drunk and was crying like a baby. He kept blabbering on and on about how he almost lost his son and all because of his stupidity. Then I told him that he was wrong, it was because we were both wrong in the way we’ve been treating you. Look, Richard, I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to talk to us again, but we’re here to tell you that we were wrong and to ask you to forgive us.”

Part of Richard just wanted to throw it back in their face, but he’d been through too much for that. He’d gone a long way from the guy who’d slit his wrists and gone into the bathtub. He was a completely different person.

That still didn’t mean that he was totally willing to forgive and forget, though. Not after everything they’d put him through. “I forgive you. It’s just going to take me a while to get close to you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.”

His mother let out a sigh as she put her hand to her chest. It then struck Richard how much older she looked. Both of them, in fact. His mother’s once raven hair was streaked with gray, her brown eyes rimmed with red, and her normally impeccably pressed clothes were wrinkled and had seen better days.

As for his father, he didn’t have his usual suit on, only a pair of dress slacks and a polo shirt. His hair had gone completely gray, and he seemed to have aged ten years. Since Richard knew that they didn’t have any money issues, their condition could only be chalked up to the fact that they were genuinely worried about him.

“How’s the rest of the family?” Richard asked.

“They’re all worried about you, just like us. When you get out, they plan on throwing you a belated birthday party,” his mother said.

“My birthday was three months ago,” Richard pointed out.

“I did say it was belated,” she replied with a tired laugh.

“I heard Dad had a run-in with Gretchen. I would have loved to have been there to see that one.” Richard smiled.

His father snarled. “I don’t know how you put up with that woman. She was a real piece of work. If you want, I can start looking for a new place for you while you’re still in here. That way you have a place waiting for you when you get out.”

“Unless you would rather move in with us for a while,” his mother suggested hopefully.

Richard patted her on the hand. “Thanks for the offer, Ma, but I think it would be better for me to do this on my own. I’m going to take Dad up on his offer.”

“Do you have any ideas of what kind of place you would like?”

Thinking back to the conversation he and Zander had his first night at the hospital, Richard said, “I think I would like a nice studio. Someplace big and open, where I could live and work on my art.”

His father smiled at him. “That sounds really nice. I think I know of a couple of places that may work out for you.”

Richard’s father worked for the city, so he knew the area well. Richard had no doubt he’d have a place for him within a couple of days.

“Thanks, Dad, I really appreciate that.”

After that they made small talk for a while, mostly getting caught up with each other’s lives. It’d been so long since they’d had such a pleasant conversation. The time flew so fast that when they called out that visiting hours were over, Richard was surprised.

They all got up and exchanged hugs.

“Goodbye, sweetie. I dropped some magazines and things for you at the front desk. They said they’d make sure you’d get them,” his mother said.

“It was so good to see you again,” his father said.

“Yeah, it was,” Richard replied.

He really meant it, too. As he was being led back to the unit, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He went to the media center and found Zander waiting for him. Zander was sprawled out in one of the chairs, watching a rerun of some detective show.

“Guess who came to see me,” Richard said as he plopped down next to him.

“If it was Adam Lambert, I will be so jealous that I won’t ever speak to you again,” Zander teased.

“No, you dork, it was my parents.”

Zander’s eyes widened in shock as he sat up straighter. “I hope you told them to go to hell.”

“No, it wasn’t like that at all. They came to apologize. You should have seen them, they were a mess. My suicide attempt really shook them up, and now they realize how wrong they’ve been treating me. Zander, you should have seen it, they were begging me to forgive them. It was kind of sad.”

Zander reached over and lightly ruffled Richard’s hair. “And you, being the good soul you are, did. Didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I told them that I would still need some time before things would be back to normal, though. You don’t think that was too mean of me, do you?”

“No, it was you being human. You were hurt pretty bad. It would take anybody a while to get over that.”

“My dad did offer to start looking for a new place for me to live. Guess what I asked for him to look for?” Richard asked.

“What?”

“A studio.”

Richard sucked in his breath as he waited to see what Zander’s reply would be. Would he laugh in Richard’s face for reading too much into that one conversation? Get mad because he really didn’t like Richard that way and didn’t like it that Richard was making advances? Or worse, would he rebuff Richard all together?

Zander’s lips curled up into a sexy smile. “Did you now?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t happen to know of anybody who may be looking for a roommate?”

Zander suddenly grew serious. “Are you sure we can do this? We’re both pretty sick.”

“You take care of me, and I’ll take care of you. Together, we can do anything.”

Richard gazed into Zander’s eyes, and the raw emotion in there made Richard’s breath hitch. Lust, worry, caring, fear, and maybe even the beginnings of love were there. What’s more, Richard had a feeling they were all mirrored in his own gaze.

“Yeah, I think we can do it,” Richard said.

“Hey, guys! It’s time for group!” a voice cut into their moment.

Jerking apart, they looked up to see Samuel standing there, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. Richard felt a cold chill of panic work its way up his spine as he wondered just how much Samuel might have seen or overheard.

Quickly standing, Richard worked hard to keep the panic from his features as he walked past the staff worker, but all the while inside he was screaming fuck, shit, damn! Zander on the other hand, didn’t seem to have a care in the world. He just scratched his belly and stretched. “Let me guess, this time we’re going to make macaroni necklaces?”

“No, actually we decided to make it karaoke night,” Samuel said in a tight voice, his gaze still going back and forth from Zander to Richard.

“Okay, I’ll go, but only if I don’t have to sing after Zoey. She’ll just shred my self-esteem, and we can’t have that now, can we,” Zander called as he left the room.

After shooting one last worried look toward Samuel, Richard hurried to catch up.

* * * * *

Later that night, Zander laid awake thinking about Richie’s offer. While it sounded so tempting, part of him wondered if it were really true. Many people make promises in the heat of the moment only to pull them back later. He should know that better than anybody, just from all the experiences with his dad.

Be it a trip to Disney or a vacation to the Grand Canyon, the old man would always swear that they’d be going, only to come up with some lame excuse to bail on them at the last minute. Until one day when he promised to go out to get them ice-cream and never came back—pulling the ultimate bail of all.

“Hey Richie, you awake?” Zander asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“You know, if you change your mind about being my roommate, that’s okay, just give me plenty of time to make other arrangements, okay?”

Richie turned over and looked at Zander. “Why would I change my mind?”

“Well, you know people do sometimes. I just want to be ready in case it happens.”

Richie smiled. “It’s not going to happen with me, trust me. I want you, and that’s never going to change.”

How Zander wanted to believe that. So much so, that he could almost taste it. One of the staff members stuck their head in and did bed check.

Zander nipped his bottom lip and only paused a second before he got up and went to the bathroom door. “Come here.”

“Why?”

“Hurry, we don’t have much time.”

Richie got up and met him by the door. Zander cupped Richie by the back of the head and brought their lips together for an all-too-brief, but electrifying kiss. It was sweet. It was wonderful. It was everything that Zander could have hoped for and more. While Zander wanted it to go on forever, he knew they only had a few precious moments. They could be coming in for another bed check at any moment.

“Get back into bed,” Zander whispered, even though he was still standing there himself.

“I want another kiss,” Richie whined ever-so-sweetly.

“So do I, but we can’t risk it.” Zander ran his fingers through Richie’s dark hair, marveling at its softness. “Now go back to bed. We only have a few more days, and we’ll be out of here. Then we can touch each other all we want.”

They both quickly climbed back into their beds and made themselves comfortable.

“We’re only getting one bed, I hope you know that,” Richie said.

Zander smiled at the thought of holding Richie in his arms all night long. “I was hoping that would be the arrangement. Just be warned, I have the feeling that I’m going to turn out to be a cuddler.”

“That won’t be a problem at all.”

It was silent for a few more moments before Richie said, “I can’t wait until you fuck me.”

“What? You want my big, fat cock inside your ass, stretching you out? Filling you up, making you scream in pleasure?”

Richie groaned. “Gah! You’re killing me here.”

“You started it.”

“Okay, no more sex talk. Tell me what type of things you write instead.”

Now it was Zander’s turn to groan. So far that had been the one topic he’d been able to avoid. Not that he was ashamed or anything, he just didn’t want to have to suffer the ribbing that he knew would be coming his way. People could be so damn narrow-minded sometimes.

“Promise you won’t laugh?” he asked.

“I swear.”

“I write gay romance novels.”

“Like ones that actually get published?”

“Yeah.”

“How many?”

“Around fifty.”

Zander held his breath and waited for Richard’s reply. When there was no laughter, he finally dared to look over to see the reaction on Richard’s face. Richard just had a so-what expression, he even shrugged.

“I think that’s really cool. I love to read. I’m going to have to check out some of your books. I don’t see why you should be ashamed of that. I would be proud if it were me.”

“Really?” Zander felt himself blushing under all the praise.

“Yeah, I can’t even write an essay, and here you are writing books and they’re getting published. You must be so smart and talented.”

“You’re the talented and smart one. Nobody pays a thousand dollars for one of my books like they do for one of your paintings,” Zander countered.

“Don’t try to deflect the conversation off you. You’re amazing, and you just need to accept that. Why do you think I care about you so much?”

If only Richie knew how good it felt to hear that.

“I care about you too. Now go to sleep.”

Chapter Eight

Zander and Richie were just leaving afternoon group when Samuel and another male staff member approached them. Going by the apprehensive look on their faces, whatever Samuel had to say wasn’t going to be good.

“What’s going on?” Richard asked, his voice tight with tension.

“We need you to gather up your belongings. You’re being moved to another room,” Samuel announced.

Zander felt as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest. They couldn’t be taking Richie from him. He was the only good thing about this damn place.

“Why?” Zander demanded, not even bothering to hide the anger in his voice.

“Some people think that you two are getting too close to each other, and it’s hindering your progress here.”

“Fuck our progress!” Zander yelled. “We all know that’s a bunch of crock. All you guys do here is get us on enough meds to stabilize us until we can find a good shrink on the outside. This place is no more than glamorized damage control.”

“Regardless of what you may feel, we still need to move Richard to another room,” Samuel insisted.

“What if I refuse to go?” Richard challenged.

“I’m afraid there isn’t any saying no to this one. You’re moving, and that’s final.”

By this time, they’d drawn a small group of men and woman alike. Most of who were wearing expressions of outrage on their faces. An emotion Zander was sharing.

“I don’t get it. You told me when I got here that it was a good thing to become friends with the other patients, and now you’re punishing me for it,” Zander pointed out.

“We all know that you and Richard are more than just friends.”

Zander had never been so angry in his entire life. “What? Have you been going all creeper and listening in on our conversations?”

Samuel let out a sigh and ran a hand through his balding hair. “Just help Richard get his stuff, and shut up for once in your life, will you? If you did, you may actually find out that you don’t know everything like you think you do.”

“I know an asshole when I see one.”

With those parting words, Zander stormed off.

* * * * *

Richard sent a pleading look to Jax and Zoey, so they nodded in understanding and gave chase, tracking Zander down. Richard let out a sigh of relief, knowing that at least Zander would be taken care of.

“There’s another thing, and you’re not going to like it,” Samuel warned.

Oh, boy this just keeps getting better and better.

“What?” Richard asked in a resigned sigh.

“They don’t want you and Zander hanging out, period. No more sitting together during group, hanging out during free time, eating meals together, nothing. You are to stay away from each other.”

Richard felt like crying. He didn’t know if he could make it without Zander by his side. Zander was his strength. The one who gave him courage. The one that he knew he could always turn to. Now Richard would have nobody.

Candy came up with her group of girls. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you, Richard. We won’t make you tough this out alone.”

“Yeah,” another one agreed. “We refuse to let those jerks break you.”

A third girl, a thin waif with short hair, came over and hugged him. “Don’t worry. I’ll bet you only have a couple of days, and you will be out of here anyway. Then you and Zander can be together forever and screw this place.”

She looked up, rage making her face red. “Yeah, you heard me, screw this place.”

Richard let out a choked sob and quickly swallowed it down, knowing it wouldn’t do any good. While he wanted to pull a Carl and throw, yell, and hit everything around him, it wouldn’t do him or Zander any good. What Richard needed to do was play by the rules, so he could get the hell out of there. Then he could get the studio set up for him and Zander to spend the rest of their lives in.

So he shuffled to his old room and began to move over his belongings. It gave him a small measure of comfort to see that his new roommate was Jax. At least he would have something familiar to cling onto.

After he put away the last of his this things, Candy grabbed him by the hand and led him to the common room.

“We better be careful. If they see us touching they may take away our privileges,” Richard warned.

Candy gave him a warm smile. “After what went down with you and Zander, somehow I don’t think they’ll throw a fit over you touching a chick.”

Richard let out a bitter chuckle. “I guess you have a point there. There’s no danger of me making the moves on you.”

They sat down, and Candy made all the introductions. Including her, there were four of them. The one with the short, brown hair and thin build was Mary. She wore a pair of jeans and a Beatles shirt. Richard could tell already that he was going to like her.

Next up was a shy girl with long, red hair named Iona. She was in a pair of sweats that seemed to swallow her up. She gave a timid wave before ducking her head.

The last one was a tall, beautiful raven headed girl that looked tough enough to eat diamonds. She had a stud in her nose and several tattoos. Her smile was friendly and open enough. She said to call her Minx.

Once the intros were made, they all made a big fuss over Richard, raging how unfair it was for the staff to separate Richard and Zander.

“It’s not like you guys had time or privacy to fuck or anything. So what if you were falling for each other?” Minx said.

Candy gave a snort of disgust. “Please, we both know it’s because they dared to break one of their precious rules. Plus, it was Zander who was involved, so that didn’t help matters at all. Samuel has been looking for a reason to get Zander in trouble since he got here. Now he has it, and he doesn’t care that Richard is also getting hurt in the process.”

Richard ran a hand through his hair. “What am I going to do? I need him.”

Candy ran a soothing hand down his back. “He’s still here, honey. Just because you can’t talk or hang out anymore, doesn’t mean he’s not around you. You can look up and see him anytime. He hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still here for you, Richard, even if he can’t show it.”

While her words made sense, Richard still felt as if he was being shredded from the inside out. He knew that he was overreacting, it was just a couple of days, but he’d come to treasure those few special moments alone with Zander. Sure, they talked about moving in together, and Richard hoped everything would work out, but there were no guarantees. Nobody would blame Zander if he decided it would be too difficult for two people with Bi-Polar to have a serious relationship. Hell, Richard himself often had his doubts.

They spent the next hour sitting at the table making paper flowers out of construction paper, but Richard’s heart really wasn’t into it. He still went through the motions though, even if his flowers ended up looking more like blobs than blooms. That didn’t stop Candy and her girls from complimenting them.

“You guys are just saying that to cheer me up because you’re afraid I’ll use the paper to try to slit my wrists again,” Richard teased.

“No, we’re not. Besides, you wouldn’t do something that stupid again,” Candy replied simply.

Richard only had to pause a second before he sighed and said, “No, you’re right. I wouldn’t.”

“Well, thank god for that,” Minx drawled. “I faint at the sight of blood, and we can’t have that happening. This floor is so dirty, I don’t think they’ve mopped it since last summer.”

Richard glanced down at the grimy floor that had so many dust bunnies it looked like they could start a colony and had to nod in agreement. Would it hurt them to hit the place with a mop at least one in a while? It didn’t even have to be daily. At that point, he’d be willing to take weekly.

They noticed that the others were lining up for lunch, so they cleaned up their mess and joined the rest of the patients in line. When he spotted Zander down the line, Richard’s stomach did a little flip of excitement.

Zander looked calmer, but his eyes were rimmed in red and his complexion was a bit pale. Their gazes contacted and neither one of them made an attempt to look away.

I miss you already, Zander mouthed.

Me, too, Richard replied.

The line began to move before they could say anything more and after that, Zander got lost in the sea of bodies. Richard stuck close to Candy as they grabbed their food and went to a table that turned out not to be too far from Zander. It proved to be both a blessing and a curse to be so close to the man that he cared about, but could not be with.

The entire meal, Richard wanted so badly to get up, walk over to Zander and embrace him. No, better, he wanted to kiss him again, only this time it wouldn’t be a short number. It would be long and deep and convey exactly how Richard felt about Zander.

Just a few more days! Just a few more days! Richard kept chanting that in his head as he picked up his food.

Zoey went to the piano and began to warm up. Once finished she began to play, it only took Richard a moment to recognize it as I Won’t Let You Down by Alex Clare. His throat closed up as he realized she has chosen that song specifically for him and Zander.

Tears began to pool in his eyes as the lyrics washed over his body. He glanced over at Zander and mouthed the chorus to him. Much to Richard’s surprise, Zander was just as emotional as him. Zander’s bottom lip even quivered a bit as he nodded in return.

Damn it all, leave it to Zoey to get them all mushy and emotional.

Yeah, Richard could do this. It was only a few days. It would be tough, but just by looking at the expression on Zander’s face, he knew that the guy would be waiting for him on the other side. They’d have their studio and the happily-ever-after, damn it. Nothing could stop them, not this hospital, not people’s negative attitudes and certainly not Bi-Polar. They could face anything, so long as they had each other.

As soon as they got back from dinner, Richard went to the bank of phones and called his father. At first, his dad seemed surprised to hear Richard’s voice, but he recovered quickly enough.

“How are you doing?” his father asked.

“Great. That’s kind of why I’m calling you. They are saying that I’ll probably be getting out of here in a couple of days. You wouldn’t have found that studio for me yet, would you?”

“As a matter of fact, I think I found the perfect place just this afternoon. I was going to call you about it tomorrow once everything was finalized. It even has a big window in the front of it, so the lighting will be good for painting.”

Richard smiled to himself as he thought about how much Zander would love it.

“Richard? Are you really okay? You seem upset to me?” his father asked.

How was it, even after so many years, that his father could tell that Richard was so upset? It remained a mystery. It still didn’t stop Richard from spilling his guts. He told him about everything. How he and Zander first became friends. That it soon became much more. Then about the way the hospital had stepped in and ripped them apart.

“Dad, all we did was kiss one time. I swear it to you. We were following the rules. It’s thanks to Zander that I’m where I am now. Now that they took him from me, I feel so lost,” Richard finished.

His father was silent for so long that for a moment Richard thought the connection was broken, then he finally spoke up, “Does this Zander feel the same way about you?”

“I think so…no, I know so.”

“Then you both need to hold on strong, so you can get out of there as soon as possible. Once you’re released, they can’t keep you apart.”

Richard let out a small gasp. “I thought you were going to freak out over me dating somebody else with Bi-Polar.”

“I’ll admit, it does worry me more than a little bit, but it sounds like you two care a great deal for each other. I’ll just have to keep an extra close eye on you guys to make sure you take care of yourselves.”

Richard’s breath hitched a bit. “You really did mean it, didn’t you? When you said you were sorry and wanted a second chance to prove yourself.”

“Yes, I did and this is just the least I can do.”

“I love you, Dad.”

“And I’ve always loved you. I’m just sorry I never showed it before.”

Richard hung up the phone and his first instinct was to go running to Zander with the good news, but he couldn’t. He mulled it over in his mind before he came up with the next best option. Zoey!

He found his favorite flower-child wannabe coloring in the common area. Richard sat down next to her and took a few moments to study her. With her rounded cheeks and full lips, she had a cute, yet sensual look about her. One that many women would die to have because they would age so well.

“Why are you looking at me that way?” she asked, never glancing up from her coloring sheet.

“I was just thinking that if I weren’t gay, I would so go for you,” he said.

“But you are, so that still leaves me sad and alone.” She finally graced him with a smile.

“How’s Zander doing?” Richard asked.

The smile faded. “He’s a mess. I never realized how much he cared for you until now. It’s like they ripped out his heart or something.”

Richard let out a sigh, wishing more than anything that he could go to Zander and soothe him. “Can you bring him a message from me?”

“Sure thing. What is it?”

“Tell him that I have our studio. It’ll be ready when he gets out.”

She cocked a brow. “Will this make him happy?”

“Oh god, I hope so,” Richard sighed.

Chapter Nine

Two mornings later after breakfast, Richard was sitting in the media area, doing his best to try to ignore the fact that Zander was sitting across the room from him. Only this time it wasn’t because they weren’t supposed to be talking to each other, it was because of how odd Zander was acting.

Zander kept letting out small bouts of giggles, even though there was nothing funny going on. The TV wasn’t even on and everybody else in the room was occupied with books or puzzles. Even the staff members were ignoring him.

That didn’t seem to bother Zander though, and he brought his hand out in front of his face and wiggled his fingers a few times, as if there was something happening that only he could see.

Okay, now Richard was getting really worried. This wasn’t like Zander at all. Sure, he might play pranks, but even he knew better than to take it this far. Setting down his book, he got up and went to the nurses’ station.

“What’s going on with Zander?” he asked the staff members behind the desk.

Samuel, Lydia and a couple of others on the staff who Richard didn’t know glanced up at him. Samuel let out a huff. “When isn’t there something wrong with Zander?”

Richard took in a deep breath and counted to ten. “Look, you don’t like Zander, I get it. But there is something seriously off about him. He hasn’t been acting like himself all day. He’s laughing, and I think he’s having hallucinations.”

“He’s never reported having hallucinations before, so I think you’re just overacting,” Samuel deadpanned.

“The substitute doc did change his meds around. One of them could be messing him up,” Lydia piped in.

“I seriously doubt it,” Samuel sniffed.

“Can’t you guys just check it out? Please? I’m really worried about him,” Richard begged.

“Are you all out here conspiring against me?” a voice asked from behind Richard.

Turning, Richard saw Zander, or rather what used to be Zander. Whatever meds that idiot of a doc had given him had transformed Zander into something new and monstrous.

Richard held his hands up in a placating manner. “We’re just worried about you. That’s all.”

Zander’s upper lip curled up in a sneer. “I’ll bet you are. Just for the record, I never really liked you anyway. You were just a diversion for me. Something to pass the time, so I didn’t get bored. You never meant a damn thing to me.”

Even though Richard told himself that Zander didn’t mean what he said, each word felt like a physical blow. Zander moved in and, for a horrifying moment, Richard thought he was going to be attacked, but instead Zander just swept everything off the nurses’ desk. Papers, pens, paperclips and staples went flying everywhere.

Before everything could land, Zander took off running. Along the way, he tore posters from the wall, knocked over garbage cans, tipped over clothes hampers. He made it halfway down before he was tackled by three of the bigger staff members and taken down to the ground.

Richard rushed forward to help, a cry of denial on his lips when he heard Zander yell out in pain. Lydia and Samuel grabbed Richard gently by the shoulders and held him back.

“I know you want to help him, sweetie, but you can’t, not now,” Lydia cooed in his ear.

“They’re hurting him,” Richard protested.

“They’ll sedate him, so soon he won’t be feeling anything at all,” Samuel assured, in a strangely comforting voice.

“Samuel, why don’t you get Zoey, and I’ll take Richard to the Infirmary. It’s empty there, and they can wait until this is all over.”

In other words, they didn’t want Richard to have to watch this all go down, and Zoey would be there to comfort him. Lydia was, if nothing else, considerate and thoughtful. Samuel nodded and ran off.

Lydia guided Richard toward the infirmary. He kept looking back at Zander until he were out of sight. Even then, he could still hear the yelling and shouts from the struggle. Once they reached the infirmary, she unlocked the door and ushered him inside. He sat down on the exam table and it was only then that he noticed how bad he was trembling.

A few moments later, Zoey came rushing in. She ran up to Richard and threw her arms around him, hugging him so tight that he could scarcely breathe. Not that he minded, he needed that kind of comfort.

“What happened?” she asked.

“They fucked with his meds, and he went off the deep end,” Richard said in a broken voice.

“Shit, I was afraid of that. He’d been acting weird. At first, I thought it was over the thing between you two, but when he kept getting worse, I started to suspect something else was going on.”

“Why didn’t you come report it to one of us?” Samuel demanded.

She whipped her head around. “Like I would trust you after what you did to Richie and Zander.”

“Believe it or not, I had nothing to do with that,” Samuel said.

“Right,” she snorted. “We all know how much you hate Zander.”

“I thought that Richard was a good influence on Zander. While they were…friends, Zander actually behaved himself and worked on his recovery. So, it wasn’t me that reported them.”

“Then who was it?” Richard demanded.

Lydia shrugged. “It could have been anybody. Any of the staff members. Hell, it could have even been another patient for all we know. The higher ups didn’t tell us. All they did say was that we had to separate you two. Trust us, we didn’t like it any more than you did. We know you guys weren’t doing anything inappropriate in your room. Once we realized how close you’d become, we arranged for extra bed checks, so you never had a chance to get frisky.”

Richard couldn’t have been more shocked had Jax gotten a haircut, bought a business suit, and declared himself a Republican. Samuel and Lydia knew all along and they’d gone out of their way…no, they’d risked their jobs to cover for them. And how had Richard and Zander paid them back? By being complete jerks.

“I am so sorry,” Richard said.

Lydia gave him a kind smile. “Water under the bridge, baby.”

“What are they going to do with Zander now?” Richard asked.

“He’s going to be taken into seclusion until he calms down,” Samuel answered.

Fear clawed at Richard’s chest. “Are they going to move him to another unit?”

Lydia shook her head. “No, but he will be stuck here another couple of days, so they can get his med regulated again. Boy, would I love to get my hands on that doctor that prescribed him that mess he’s on now.”

“I can’t believe the nurse didn’t catch it,” Samuel spat.

“You know, honey, she means well, but she’s not the best at her job,” Lydia sighed.

“Well, she almost helped get Zander killed because of it,” Samuel spat again.

Richard was shocked to see Samuel standing up for Zander. Usually when he said Zander’s name, it was accompanied with a sneer. This little conversation had been a real eye-opener.

“How long will Zander be in seclusion?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t know. He’s pretty bad right now. It may be a while before he can leave the unit again,” Samuel said. “And I’m not saying that because it’s a punishment, but for the sake of the other patients’ safety. We have to make sure he won’t act out again.”

Zoey sniffled, but nodded that she understood.

They all got out and shuffled from the room. As they were parting to go their separate ways, Lydia turned to Richard, “I know this may not be the right time to tell you this, but you’re going home today. You need to call home to get a ride and get your belongings together.”

Richard was struck dumb for a few moments. How could he leave now when Zander was in this kind of condition? What’s more, how could he leave without saying goodbye to the man he’d grown to care so much for?

“I know what you’re thinking, baby, but it’s time for you to go. I’ll take care of your man for you. Now go make your call.” Lydia gave him a gentle shove toward the phones.

Richard called his father and got the address for the studio, but since it wasn’t ready for immediate occupancy, he made arrangements to stay with his parents for the next few days.

After that was done, he went into his new room and packed all his belongings into brown paper sacks, making sure to leave nothing behind. He then stripped his bed and tossed the dirty linens in the bin. That left him with one more thing to do.

He went up to Lydia and Samuel. “Can I see Zander?”

They exchanged worried looks.

“I don’t think that would be such a good idea, sweetie,” Lydia said.

“Please,” Richard beseeched. “It would only be for a few minutes. I promise.”

“I don’t see how it could hurt. It’s the least I owe them,” Samuel spoke up.

At that point, Richard was wondering if an alien had snuck in and taken over Samuel’s body, because the guy had pull such a one-eighty in his attitude, but Richard wasn’t going to complain. Especially since Samuel was now working on his behalf.

“We could get into big trouble for this,” Lydia warned.

“Nobody will have to know. We’ll be real careful,” Samuel countered. “If they see Richard back there, we’ll say that we were taking him back there to get his sharps before he goes home. It makes sense since we keep them stored there.”

Lydia still seemed to think it over a minute before she nodded. “You boys are going to be the death of me. Go ahead, Samuel, take him back, but only for a few minutes. I swear I’m going to have a heart attack before the day is over.”

Samuel set down the file he’d been working on and jerked his head in the direction of the seclusion room, which was situated behind the nurses’ station. “Come on, let’s hurry up before anybody else comes up. The less people that sees us, the better.”

Richard rushed around the desk and followed Samuel down a short hallway that led to a darkened room. There was a bed in the center and on it lay Zander. Richard’s heart sank when he saw the condition Zander was in. Both his arms and wrists were held down with heavy leather straps, and there was another restraint around his waist. His eyes were only half open, but they were glazed over and didn’t appear to be focusing on anything. His normal carefully groomed hair was a mess, the long strands falling into his face. His t-shirt was torn in several places. Since it was his Mumford and Sons one, which was his favorite one, Zander knew that was going to piss him off. Zander made a mental note to go out and buy him a new one the first chance he got.

“Can I have a moment alone with him?” Richard asked.

Samuel only hesitated a second before giving a curt nod. “I’ll be right outside the door if you need me.”

He left, shutting the door behind him. It was only then that Richard carefully made his way to the bedside. If Zander noticed his approach, he gave no indication. He just continued with that hundred-yard stare of his.

“Look, I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but I’m going to give it a shot anyhow,” Richard started. “I know you didn’t mean any of the things you said to me out there. Or at least, I hope you didn’t. I can’t help but think back to all those conversations we had at bedtime and how deep and meaningful they were to both of us. I would never have gotten through this without you and I will forever be grateful to you for that.”

Richard took a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t know if I love you. We really haven’t known each other long enough for that, but I do know that I care for you more than anybody in this world. I would do anything for you, Zander. I’d even go so far as to eat a whole stack of those crappy pancakes they serve here, if that’s what it took to make you happy.”

Zander didn’t laugh at the joke, but Richard didn’t expect him to. At that point, Zander wasn’t even capable of keeping from drooling, let alone finding humor in a situation.

“My dad found us a studio. Just like we wanted. It even has a big window and everything. I’m moving in in a couple of days, so I can have everything set up and ready for when you move in. We can have our happily-ever-after, just like we talked about. We can leave this place behind us and start our life together. You can take care of me, and I’ll take care of you, remember?”

When Zander still continued to just stare, Richard felt tears well up in his eyes. How he wished he could have this conversation with Zander when he was sober and capable of understanding what Richard was saying. Richard didn’t even know if Zander would remember if it happened.

“They’re sending me home today, but I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye. I hope that it’s just a see-you-later goodbye and not a never-see-you-again one. I really do want you to be a part of my life forever, Zander. I know we’re both sick, but I really think we’re good for each other and I know we can make it. I know you have your doubts, and honestly sometimes I do, too, but we’ll never know unless we give it a shot. We owe it to each other to at least do that. Please, Zander, don’t give up on us.”

Richard reached into his front pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “I wrote the address of the studio on here. If you show up, then I’ll know you want to give us a shot, if you don’t…well, then I guess I’ll eventually get over it.”

Richard shoved the piece of paper into Zander’s pocket where he was sure to find it. “I’ll make sure to give a copy of the address to Zoey, too, just in case you lose it.”

Brushing the hair away from Zander’s face, Richard placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “I really do hope you decide to come. I’ll be so lost without you. You mean so much to me, Zander.”

Chapter Ten

The first day at his parents’ home, all Richard did was sleep. The second, he felt like he was in a haze as he got back to life, one that didn’t go by a regular, rigorous schedule. The third, he was itching to be on his own.

The entire time, his parents were patient and understanding. They put up with his mood shifts and attitude, and for that he would be eternally grateful. Some of his brothers even stopped by to show their support. It made Richard realize that his family wasn’t as bad as he’d always believed.

Finally, it came time for him to move in to the studio. As Richard walked in, he was amazed. It was everything his father said it would be and more. The front didn’t just have a big window, it was all window from floor to ceiling. It wasn’t just plain glass either, but stained glass. The different colors reflected off the hardwood floors, making an art of their own.

A large, up-to-date kitchen was set off to one side. Opening up the fridge, Richard smiled when he saw it was fully stocked. That must have been his mom’s doing. Ever since he’d come home from the hospital, she’s been harping on him about his weight. He’d tried to tell her that he ate plenty, but she refused to believe it and insisted on cramming food down his throat.

The bedroom was set on the other side of the studio and it had a huge, king-sized bed. A lump formed in his throat as he wondered if he’d be sleeping in the thing by himself.

What if Zander never showed up? It’d been three days already and there’d been no word of him. Sure, they had to re-regulate his meds, but how long did that take? Surely, he should be doing better by now.

Letting out a groan, Richard sank down on a nearby box. The waiting was killing him. If he could only know what Zander was thinking or how he felt, then maybe Richard could get on with his life.

Oh, who was he kidding? If he knew for a fact that Zander had no real feeling for him, Richard would be such a mess it might take him forever to get on with his life. Even though they’d known each other but for a few days, he’d fallen hard for the other guy.

There was a knock at the door. Richard jumped up so fast, his legs got tangled up and he almost fell on his face. Recovering, he ran to the door to open it. When he saw it was only Zoey, his heart sank with disappointment.

“Nice frown there. Don’t you know how to make a girl feel special,” she snarked.

“Sorry.” Richard felt a heat come over his cheeks as he stepped aside let her in.

She came in and executed a slow spin. “Wow, this place is amazing. How did you manage to score it?”

“My dad got it for me.”

“Ah, well, lucky you. My place is one step above a shoe-box. It’s so small, not even the rats want to infest it.”

Richard laughed. How he’d missed her. “Would you like some coffee? I promise it’s the real stuff. Decaf has never touched this place.” He gave a mock shudder.

They went over to the kitchen and he pointed to a variety of single serving coffees. “Pick your poison.”

After she made her choice, he loaded it into the machine and waited for it to brew. “So, how is Zander doing?”

She smiled at him. “I was wondering how long it would take you to get to that subject.”

Her coffee had finished, so he handed it over and began to make his. Turning back, he waited for her answer. She took a sip of coffee before saying, “He was doing a little better before I left yesterday. The meds really fucked him up good. I hope that whatever doc put him on them loses his license. It’s bad enough that they only spend five minutes with us as it is before prescribing us stuff, but they should at least get it right. I don’t know what in the hell he put Zander on, but it damned near killed him. What gets me is nobody else caught it. Not the pharmacy techs or the nurses. You think somebody would have noticed and spoken up.”

“Maybe they’re just too overwhelmed with their jobs,” Richard said. “Not that I’m making excuses or anything since I agree with you. What happened with Zander is unforgivable.”

He grabbed his own coffee and took a drink. “He didn’t happen to ask about me any, did he?”

She gave a tiny smile. “He’s worried that you’re not going to forgive him for what he said to you. He thinks you hate him.”

“But I could never hate him,” Richard protested.

“I know that, but he’s a mess emotionally right now.”

“I’ve tried calling, but they keep saying that he’s not there,” Richard said.

“He’s been hiding out in his room a lot,” Zoey explained. “He really misses you bad, so I would keep trying. You need to let him know that you still care. He thinks that he’s lost you.”

“He hasn’t lost me at all.” Richard gestured to the king-sized bed. “Do you think I bought that big ass thing just for myself? I plan on his skinny ass being there every night with me.”

She brought her hand to her chest. “That is so sweet. I just had a visual of the two of you cuddling together, asleep, looking like two little puppies.”

“Thanks, I think,” Richard drawled. “So, how is Jax doing?” he asked, changing the topic.

“He got out yesterday, too. He told me he wanted to backpack across the country, but his daughter convinced him to come live with her instead.”

Richard wrinkled his nose. “That’s probably for the best. I could see him getting into too much trouble.”

She let out a soft giggle that showed off her deep set of dimples. “Me, too. He can’t even walk across the room without causing a major incident.”

They spent the next couple of hours just talking and catching up. She made him show her some of her paintings, squealing in delight when he insisted on her taking one home with her.

“Are you kidding me? You could make so much money off this?” she protested, even as she clutched her new treasure to her chest.

Richard made a dismissive wave of his hand. “You’re worth more than any amount of money. You can sing me a song next time you’re over, and we can call it even.”

She tilted her head to the side. “You are so amazing. Only you could give somebody a gift and make a person feel amazing about themselves at the same time.”

He reached out and pinched one of her rounded cheeks. “I’m only telling the truth.”

“Speaking of singing, I have to go. I have a gig tonight.”

“Where at?”

“Tommy Knockers.”

Richard frowned, the bar was in one of the worst neighborhoods in the area. “Maybe I should go with you. I don’t like the idea of you walking back out to your car at night.”

She gave him a pat on the cheek. “You don’t need to worry about me. I know how to take care of myself. Besides, I have the bartender walk me out every night. I play it safe, I promise.”

Richard still didn’t like it, but he nodded nonetheless. It wasn’t like he was Zoey’s keeper. He was her friend, sure, but that didn’t give him the right to rule her life. He grabbed a pen and wrote down his cell number. “Just do one thing, and text me when you get home, will you? It’ll help me rest easier.”

“Yes, mother,” she mocked as she took the paper and stuffed it in her jacket pocket. “Now, I really do have to go. I’ll see you later.”

She walked out, closing the door behind her. The silence that followed in her wake was so depressing and cloying that Richard wrapped his arms around himself and let out a sigh. God, but it was so hard to be alone.

When there was another knock on the door, he assumed it was Zoey. She must have left something behind. Richard pulled open the door, fully expecting to see her smiling face, so when he found himself facing Zander instead, Richard was stuck stupid.

“You came,” Richard finally said.

Zander looked so pale, so thin and so tired, but none of that mattered, because he was standing there in Richard’s doorway. He wore a pair of jeans that might have fit at one time, but now looked to be a couple sizes too large and his red t-shirt hung on him. Despite all that, he’d never looked more beautiful.

“Am I still welcome?” Zander asked, his gaze directed at the floor.

“Of course you are. I would have never left my address behind if I didn’t want you.” Richard stepped back and said, “Come inside. We have a lot to say to each other and it’s best said inside.”

Zander walked inside and his eyes grew wide. “Oh my shit, Richie, it’s just like we talked about. It even has the window. How did you find it?”

“My dad did.”

“So, I guess he’s not so much of an asshole anymore, huh?”

Richard closed the door and leaned against it. “We’re still working on our relationship, but yeah, things are going a lot better between us.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

They were silent for a minute before Richard asked, “How are you feeling?”

Zander gave one of those shrugs of his. “Like I was run over by a pharmaceutical truck that then backed up and hit me again ten times over.”

“Ouch!” Richard winced.

“The worst part is, that’s an improvement. You should have seen me when I first got out of seclusion.”

“I visited you while you were in there. Do you remember?”

Zander shook his head. “No.” He paused a moment before a look of horror came over his face. “You mean to tell me that you saw me all doped up and drooling. Oh, shit! That must have been charming as hell.”

Richard reached out to touch Zander only to remember there was no touching allowed…but, wait that rule didn’t apply anymore. They were free to do whatever they wanted. He stretched out with trembling fingers and ran them through Zander’s soft, blond hair. “Don’t worry, you looked beautiful. As you always do.”

Meeting his gaze, Zander said, “I don’t remember much of that day, but I do remember some of those awful things I said to you. I want you to know I didn’t mean any of them. I was out of my mind and…”

Richard put a finger on Zander’s lips. “Shhh…you don’t have to say anymore. I forgive you. It wasn’t you that was talking that day. I know that. I never held what you said to me against you.”

“Really?” Zander asked, the word a bit muffled since Richard’s finger was still there.

Deciding that there were much better ways to use Zander’s lips, Richard dipped his head down and crushed their mouths together. This time they didn’t have to worry about being caught. Or have to rush. They could just take their time and enjoy.

Richard slid his tongue inside Zander’s mouth, moaning at the taste of the other man. It could only be described as all Zander. Zander let out a moan of his own as he brought his arms around Richard’s neck.

The sensation of Zander’s body flush against his overwhelmed Richard and made his head buzz. Especially, when he could feel Zander’s erection pressing against him. They were about the same size, so it made it perfect for rubbing off against each other. Which would have been fine had Richard not had other things planned.

“Do you see that bed over there?” he asked in between kisses.

“It’s kind of hard to miss. It’s as big as a frigging village,” Zander retorted.

“I bought it with us specifically in mind.”

“Did you now?”

“Yeah, I thought it would be perfect for fucking and cuddling.”

“I like the sounds of that.” Zander let out a hum, then smacked Richard on the ass. “Now go get the supplies, so we can get to it. I’ve waited long enough as it is.”

Richard laughed. It would seem that some things would never change with Zander. He went into the bathroom, then grabbed the bottle of lube and a strip of condoms.

Coming back out, he handed them to Zander. “Tonight, you get to top. I need to feel you inside me. But next time, it’s my turn.”

Zander flashed that cocky grin of his. “Sounds fair to me.”

They began to rip off their clothes, showing the pent up urgency that they’d been feeling all those days in the hospital. Richard was sure that he heard the sounds of cloth tearing a few times, but neither he nor Zander seemed inclined to slow down any.

Once they were both nude, they climbed onto the bed and began to make out. They began slowly and let it build up, their bodies soon rubbing together at an almost frenzied pace. Zander broke off the kiss and sat up. Grabbing the bottle of lube, he held it up with a grin. “What do we have here?”

Richard cocked a brow. “If I have to tell you that, then we are in for a long, awkward night.”

Reaching down to stroke Richard’s cock, Zander cooed, “Oh, I think I can figure it out.”

He undid the top and poured so much in his hands Richard worried that he was going to drown both of them. “My god, Zander. It hasn’t been that long since I had sex. I don’t need that much prep.”

Zander gave him a wicked grin. “I like my sex nice and messy.”

“If that’s the case, then you’re permanently on laundry duty.”

Tossing the bottle aside, Zander said, “Deal.”

They’d been waiting for the moment for so long that Richard expected Zander to go straight to it, so when he grabbed Richard’s cock instead it came as a bit of a surprise. Not that Richard was complaining any, especially since Zander’s hands were so slicked that the friction was perfect. Each downward stroke sent shivers of desire up Richard’s spine, making his eyes roll up into the back of his head.

Finally, when he knew that he couldn’t take any more without blowing, Richard lifted his legs and draped them over Zander’s shoulders. Maybe then that would give him a clue.

Thank god, Zander was quick to catch on. He let out a dark chuckle before Richard felt a finger circling his hole. “Is this what my baby wants?”

“Yes,” Richard groaned, not caring that he sounded liked a two-dollar whore.

Zander slid the digit in. At first Richard’s body resisted, but it soon adjusted, accepting the intrusion. “Gimme.”

Zander added a second, then a third finger, working them in and out. All the while he gazed down at Richard with the most tender expression on his face. Never before had Richard felt so cared for…so special.

“Are you ready?” Zander asked.

When Richard nodded, Zander pulled out his fingers and grabbed a condom. Opening it up, he slid it on, then lined his cock up to Richard’s hole.

“I’m so glad I met you,” Zander said as he slid in.

Richard let out a cry of pleasure as Zander’s cock filled him. It burned just a bit, but it was soon over. Richard nodded that he was fine, and Zander began to thrust into him.

Soon the only sounds in the room were their moans and the sounds of skin hitting skin. Richard knew he wasn’t going to last long. Not only because of the amazing handjob before, but because of the buildup to this moment. After so many nights of lying in the bed next to Zander, dreaming of this happening, his cock felt ready to burst.

Then Zander reached down and began to stroke Richard’s cock again and Richard knew he was fighting a losing battle so he just gave up. Letting out a garbled sound that he was sure he would be embarrassed about later, he shot off, his cum covering his stomach and chest.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Zander growled.

He then gave one last hard-as-hell thrust before he came, too, his spunk filling the condom.

Afterward, he collapsed on top of Richard. Not that Richard was inclined to complain. It felt rather comfy for the moment. He knew they’d eventually have to get up before the cum glued them together, but they could at least enjoy the moment.

Caressing Zander’s hair, Richard whispered, “Welcome home.”

The next morning, Richard woke up to find himself alone in the bed. Getting up, he grabbed some sweatpants, slipped them on and went in search of Zander.

He found him in the corner that held the art studio. Zander had taken one of Richard’s larger sketchpads and had propped it on an easel. On it, was drawn what looked to be a bottle.

“Hey, if you need some space to work in, I left the other corner free for you. You can set up an office to write,” Richard offered.

“Thanks, I do need to do that. I have editors breathing down my back because I’m so far behind in my deadlines, but that’s not what this is about.”

Intrigued, Richard stepped closer. “Then what is it?”

“Remember the first group meeting you went to. The one where we had to write what made us angry and put it in a bottle?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Well, I decided that we should do a little twist on it. Since, we’re starting our new life, we should write what we find is pretty in life.”

“Did you just say pretty?” Richard cocked a brow.

Zander playfully stuck out his tongue. “Yes, I can be sentimental, too, you know. It’s not only you who’s mushy.”

“Okay, I’ll play along.” Richard picked up a pen and wrote. The studio

They then began to take turns.

Freedom

Real coffee

Good pancakes

Zoey

Richard

Zander

Fucking

Kissing

Waking up late

Not having to wear a damn armband

Being able to wear shoelaces

They went on for several moments before Richard finally said, “I’m stumped. What else is there?”

Zander smiled. “We forgot the two most important things.” Leaning down he wrote, I’ll take care of you

He then handed the pen to Richard who added and I’ll take care of you.

They would, too, and Bi-Polar or not, they would make it. Richard had no doubt of that.

About the Author

Stephani Hecht is a happily married mother of two. Born and raised in Michigan, she loves all things about the state, from the frigid winters to the Detroit Red Wings hockey team. Go Wings! You can usually find her snuggled up to her laptop, creating her next book or gorging on caffeine at her favorite coffee shop.

Stephani loves to talk to her readers and can be found at www.stephanihecht.com.