Prescription for Love

By

Devyn Morgan

Copyright © 2016 by Devyn Morgan

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

BLURB

Best friends that are meant to be so much more…distance may separate them but destiny pulls them back together.

Though childhood friends Austin and Matthew came from vastly different backgrounds, they had an impenetrable bond that only deepened when Matt kissed Austin in the high school locker room. Though they kept their affection for each other private, Austin and Matthew were happy to have found love with each other. But this love is put to the test when tragedy strikes and Austin and Matt are forced to part ways.

As nine years pass, neither man can forget his first love. As their lives continue on two very different paths, both feel the ache from missing their other half - an ache that career success and other relationships cannot fulfill. But when a chance meeting brings them back together, will their childhood love survive the journey into adulthood? Or has the passage of time pulled them too far apart?

Prescription for Love is a gay standalone romance with a HEA and explicit scenes.

Prescription for Love

Chapter 1 - Austin

Matthew and I met when I was eight years old – he was nine.  At the time he liked to pride himself as being the older and therefore more intelligent and more worldly part of our duo.  Even though I was just a few months younger than him, he would tease me and look at me sideways when I would suggest something as silly as catching lizards.  Of course, with little to no prompting he would eventually succumb to my childish desires and away we would run to hop on boulders and run through the grass.  At the end of the day we would have green stains on our jeans and lizards in our hands.  The smile on his face always gave away that despite his slightly older status, he was also, just a silly little boy that also liked to catch reptiles.

We were the terrors of our third grade class.  Matthew was the class clown and had a tendency to hold his elbow up to his mouth and make fart noises and then laugh hysterically like he hadn’t already done the same thing a hundred times before.  I would smile and laugh with him because I was eight and fake farts are funny. 

While we grew to be best friends, we did not grow up in the same manner.  Matthew came from an annoyingly loving family.  His mother was the type that would sew curtains, make dinner, and give you money for candy from the store.  Mine on the other hand was a bar waitress that preferred to stay out after closing with the liquored up drunks than to come home and fix a box of mac and cheese.  Matthew’s father was another winner.  He’d coach whatever sport was happening at the time, had the patience of a saint, and actually managed to be funny to an eight-year-old.  I still have no idea how he did it, most third and fourth graders find all adults as boring and as tedious as math equations.  My dad, well, I can’t say I’ve ever known the guy, but if my mother is any sort of indicator, he must have been a real winner.  Due to these circumstances, Matthew grew up in a nice friendly neighborhood, and I lived in the local trailer park, but to us, it didn’t make any difference so long as we had bikes to visit one another.

Granted, even with the bikes we were most likely to meet in the middle or I would meet Matt at his house.  His family didn’t like him riding to my neighborhood, and I couldn’t blame them – I didn’t like living there.  On occasion he would come all the way to my trailer, but I always felt a bit embarrassed and ashamed of where I came from and preferred that he didn’t.  He never let on that it bothered him but I always knew it must.  His house was like a vacation for me.  Whenever I would visit his mother would treat us to cookies and we would throw off our clothes and swim in their crystal clear pool for hours.  I don’t think Matt ever realized quite how good he had it, but that was ok with me since I got to be a part of it too, even if was only for a few hours a day.  I would sometimes pretend we were brothers and that his family was my family and that I could always be there, but my fantasy would end each time I had to peddle back to my own disturbed household.

It wasn’t until junior high that I began to notice Matthew like I hadn’t noticed him before.  It wasn’t exactly sexual, but I felt drawn to him in a way I hadn’t before.  We had been friends for so long that the new feeling overwhelmed me and I distanced myself from him for a few months.  Some of the worst months of my life.  I don’t know why I felt like I needed to be apart from him, I just knew I needed to try and understand what was happening to me.  When I realized what it was, I became afraid that he would find out.  We’d always been friends but now I understood that my new emotions meant I liked him as more than a friend, but in junior high, admitting that you’re the big “G” was not common place and would only get your ass kicked.  I knew I had to keep my secret, even from my best friend.  I often wondered if he would hate me, or despise me if he ever found out.  Would he think all of our time spent together had been time spent with ulterior motives, that I’d always been harboring dirty thoughts about him?

Matt eventually had enough of my distance and sought me out again.  By sought out, I mean he cornered me and slammed me against the locker before screaming in my face that I was a huge asshole.  He’d been hurt and confused by my self-imposed separation, and he had every right to be angry.  It wasn’t like I had given him any notice or any real answer to why I couldn’t be his friend anymore.  I just quit hanging out with him, stopped answering his calls, and ignored him in the school halls.  I was an asshole – an asshole with a massive secret that I could never share.  Thankfully, he let it go after I agreed that he could punch me once.  Only once, that was the deal.  Being young teens, he took me up on the offer and I had to walk around for a week with a glorious shiner.  I have to admit that I’d felt rather proud of how well he could hit.  I didn’t think he had it in him being from a better neighborhood and all. 

That’s always one of the great things about kids, their ability to let go and move on as if no time has passed at all.  He hit me once and everything went right back to normal.  He never even asked me why I had been distant.  Matt took it all at face value and within the span of an hour we were back to our old friendship.  The only difference was the secret I was keeping; the secret I would have until we were in our third year of high school.

Chapter 2

Like regular high schoolers we were both involved in sports.  The current option was football.  I did really well at football, excelled really.  Something about being able to smash into other guys, get out some of the aggression I felt from a disappointing home life.  It was good for me.  Matt on the other hand was a pure natural.  I don’t have a clue where he pulled all of his aggression from, but on the field he was like a demon.  It was incredible and terrifying to watch.  It was after a game one day that I realized my secret had never really been a secret at all.

“Hey Matt, wanna go get some burgers?  I’ve got my car.”  During the summer I had spent a lot of time working through his well-to-do neighborhood mowing lawns and doing other menial tasks so I could buy myself a junker.  It wasn’t much but it took us where we needed to go.

“I can’t tonight.  I’ve got a date.”

“What?  You actually managed to ask Stacy out?  You’re shitting me.”

With a laugh his face started to turn red as he looked down at the floor.  “Actually, she asked me.”

“Oh man…I knew you didn’t have it in you.  So…what, like you’ve got a girlfriend now?”

“I guess…I don’t know.” He said as he reached into his locker for his bag.

“Maybe I need to get myself one of those.  Then we could go out together.  Like double dates or somethin’.”  The fact was I had been considering trying it out.  Perhaps if I spent some more time with girls I could grow to like them.  If I dated one, then no one would question me, and in my young stupidity I thought maybe I could work up some sort of attraction that would change how I felt about Matt.  It was dumb.  Even then I knew it was a ridiculous notion, but I hoped all the same.  It had been killing me to keep the secret from Matt.  To always be near him but never tell him, or touch him.  It was rough and I’d have given anything to change it.

Matt stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me.  His gaze was steady and hard.  I could see his chest rising with each breath and I knew something heavy was coming.  I wanted to look away, to do anything but stare back, but I couldn’t pull myself away.  Like a deer caught in the headlights, all I could do was look back.  I felt a rush of relief when he turned his head to look around the locker room but it was short lived when he took a step forward and placed his hand on my bare shoulder.

My entire body went rigid.  We had never touched skin-to-skin before.  I hadn’t showered yet and for a split second I wondered if I felt sweaty to his fingertips.  I gulped and realized that the touch meant far less to him than it did to me.  To him it was a friendly gesture. To me it was being touched for the very first time by someone you loved.  Throughout our friendship we had touched hands, bumped shoulders, and other regular unexpected accidental brushing of skin-on-skin, but this was different.  This was an intentional gesture and my blood ran frigid when I pondered what was coming next.

Matt’s jaw clenched and then he spoke, his voice steady and clear, “Austin, I know…” 

His startling blue eyes bore into my own.  I knew what he meant but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t just outright admit it so I played it off like a joke.  “Know what?  That I need to get a girlfriend too?” I said with a forced smile.  My heart pounded in my chest and I felt like I was going to throw up.  How could he know?  I never once made a move or did anything inappropriate.  I regularly played along pretending that I found the popular girls hot and that I wished they liked me.  I had done everything right. 

Matt’s hand stayed firmly on my shoulder.  “Stop.  Just stop ok.  I know.  Look, there’s no one else here, it’s not a big deal.  I’ve known for a long time.”

I closed my eyes and felt a burning sting behind my eyes.  I squeezed my eyes closed as tightly as I could to hold back the flood that was threatening to break free.  It’s an unusual feeling to suddenly lose the one thing you’d been holding on to so tightly.  My secret, my fake identity, neither were just mine anymore.  I forced myself to take deep breath but nothing could rid the heaviness from my heart. 

“Hey, don’t worry.  I’m not going to tell anyone,” he said doing his best to be reassuring.  It was too much though and the tears began to flow.  To make matters worse, he stepped forward and embraced me, a thing of comfort that men usually shied away from.  I couldn’t stop myself as my arms wrapped around him and I sobbed into his shoulder.  He continued to hold me and rubbed my back as he told me it was ok, that everything was fine.  But everything wasn’t fine.  He may know that I’m gay but he still didn’t know that he was the one I would choose if I had the option – and then he kissed my cheek.  Just like that.

The gesture was quick.  It was so fast that I almost believed I had imagined it.  As soon as Matt’s lips brushed my cheek, he was pushing away.  He took a quick step back and turned to his locker.  “I have to get going or I’m going to be late to meet Stacy.  It’s cool man, don’t worry, everything is fine.” 

I stood absolutely motionless, the shock of everything washing over me in a wave.  Had the locker room been on fire I don’t think I could have moved to save myself.  All I could do was watch as he slammed his locker closed and went jogging from the room to leave me alone with nothing but my own confusion.

I remember raising my hand to brush the spot his lips had touched, but even then the memory felt fake and I wondered if it had been nothing more than an accidental touch.  Perhaps he had turned his head to pull away and his mouth had unintentionally met my skin.  But I knew what I had felt, and I had seen the look on his face as he quickly pushed me away.  He had kissed me, and I had no idea what to do with the feelings he had created. 

My heart leapt in my chest and for the rest of the evening I felt like everything was perfect.  Finally, the stars were aligning to give me the love and affection I had been dying for.  I couldn’t wait to see Matt again.  We had so much to discuss, so much to work out.  The next morning, I wore my most fashionable outfit, combed my hair, and jumped in my junky car to go pick him up for school.  I smiled my biggest smile and I knocked on his door with a new sense of elation that can only come from the certainty that someone else wants you the same way that you want them.  His door opened, and he slid through it, and as he looked at me, he never said a word.  Just like that, the kiss that had changed my world was never spoken of.  Once again I felt alone with a secret, a secret that should have been shared between the two of us. 

Time for us continued as if nothing had ever happened.  Matt went on with his various girlfriends.  I wondered if he liked them and considered once again that perhaps the kiss had been an accident.  None of the girls lasted though.  They all lusted after him hungrily and he would give them time for a week, or a month, but in the end things would always end the same.  They would want more from him and he wasn’t willing to give it. 

I used to tease him and would ask him if he’d gotten laid yet.  I would start by asking if he’d made it to third base, and would ask what tits felt like.  I was genuinely curious even if I didn’t have an interest on touching them myself.  He protested and said he didn’t kiss and tell, and I couldn’t stop my own annoyance at the phrase each time he said it.  Eventually, with enough teasing he would break down and he would admit that breasts were strange.  He would describe them almost clinically, not with the type of enthusiasm you would expect from a hot-blooded teenaged boy.  I got to know what it was like for him to see them in person, to touch them, and to feel them, but without any of the emotion usually involved.  When sex came up he would share that he hadn’t slept with any of them.  I don’t know if he’d wanted to but was afraid, or if his deeper hidden feelings kept him from pursuing a girl that way.

Moving into our senior year we had to start considering universities.  Matt became astonishingly obsessed with the idea of becoming a doctor.  I felt the interest somewhat explained his earlier female descriptions, and with no real plan of my own, I decided I might as well become a doctor too.  Matt may have been the one to get the nice family and the good looks, but I was the smarter of our twosome.  School was easy for me and when we decided to pursue medical degrees, I knew the good grades would be my saving grace.  Matt had money to go wherever he wanted so long as he was accepted, and I would be relying on scholarship.

Together we discussed which schools we were the most interested in.  I tried to be realistic and suggested places within our state or nearby states, Matt had visions of grandeur and only wanted ivy league.  I didn’t see the point in applying to those schools.  Matt would get accepted, but even with my good grades I wasn’t likely to be chosen.  I didn’t want us to be separated, I wanted us to attend the same school.  He felt the same and cheered me on saying that he was certain I would be accepted and that we could go together.  He even offered to make his parents pay my way if I got accepted, but I knew that was a pipe dream and I never would have accepted the charity even if they had offered. 

“I can’t do this,” I would say as I held up another application to a school that was far outside of my financial capability.

“Yes you can!  Just apply.  You have a straight 4.0, why wouldn’t they want you?  You’re like a scholastic genius,” he would counter to get his way.  “Come on,” he would add as he teasingly waved the application through the air.  “It’s calling your name.  Can’t you hear it?  Austin…Auuustin….  Yep, this is the school for us,” he would finish with a flair as he slid the paper onto the table in front of me.

“Fine.  I’ll do it for you but you and I both know that it’s hopeless.  We need to pick somewhere reasonable, somewhere close.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll apply to your “reasonable” and “close” places as well, but isn’t it nice to consider that we might be able to go somewhere really awesome?”

It was hard to deny his enthusiasm.  It would be nice to go somewhere reputable, but I couldn’t find it within myself to consider it anything but unrealistic – at least for me. 

“Ok, ok, you win,” I would mumble as I began to write yet another rough draft for an essay.  Matt would chug along with a huge smile on his face certain he was going places, and I couldn’t do anything but smile with him and ignore the worry that was seeping into each and every application.

I wanted to begrudge him the countless hours I spent applying to colleges I knew wouldn’t look twice at my application.  I wanted to hate him for never mentioning the slight kiss that had meant the world to me.  I wanted my love to wither and die, but with Matt my affections only grew. 

Just after my 18th birthday, and Matt’s 19th, the school letters began to roll in.  I collected mine in a messy pile on my desk too afraid to open them.  Matt would call me each evening with new updates.

“Did you get any new letters?” he would ask excitedly.  I could hear his broad grin through the phone.

“Yeah, I got another one,” I would say knowing he really just wanted to tell me about whichever new school he’d been accepted to.  “Go ahead and tell me,” I would say with a laugh as he began to spill the beans.

One by one he would gush about Harvard, University of California San Francisco, John Hopkins, and countless others.  His future was bright and he had free reign to pick and choose the exact school he wanted.  When he finished his list he would then ask about mine.

“So, where did you hear from today?  Tell me our options!” he would demand assuming I would be accepted to all of the schools he had been.

“Oh, I don’t know.  I haven’t bothered to open them yet,” I would respond into my cell already picturing the annoyance and disappointment on his face.

“C’mon, you’re killing me.”

“I know, that’s part of the fun,” I would say with a smirk.

“One.  Just open one.  You know you want to; you’re just being chicken.”

“One?”

“Yeah, just open the top one.  Just get it over with.  It’s easy.”

“Alright, alright.  Let’s see…” I would say as I pretended to rummage through the pile.  “Oh no, definitely not the top one,” I would tease.  “Oh, not that one either.  Hm….”

“Just pick one!”

“This one looks good.  Let’s see what this one has to say.  Ah crap, I dropped it.  Guess I’ll have to search for another.”

“That’s it!” he would bark into the phone in frustration.  “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes and we’re going to open every single one of those damned letters.  Remember, you asked for this,” he said as he ended the call.

I couldn’t stifle my laughter as I imagined him barging around his room looking for his shoes, and then his keys.  I considered my options before he arrived.  I could hide some of the letters so I didn’t have to deal with them all, or I could let him open them all and get it over with.  My reluctance wasn’t so much about the rejections or the acceptance as much as it was about the fact that school would be taking Matt away from me.  I may never have been his, but he had always been mine, and the thought of him moving forward without me was like a punch to the gut. 

He did arrive, just as he had said he would.  I met him outside to try and persuade him that we should go see a movie or go do anything else besides open the letters but he was on a mission.

“No.  Now let’s go,” was all that he said when I tried to suggest the other options.  He stomped up to my wooden deck and had his hand to the front door before I could even protest. 

“Ok,” I said knowing I couldn’t win.

We went inside to my room and sat together on my bed with the letters strewn out before us. 

“You’ve gotten so many!” he proclaimed as he looked over them all.  “I haven’t received half this much.”

“I suppose…” I said with a noncommittal shrug.

“Well, let’s get opening,” he said grabbing a handful.  “Which should we open first.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.

Suddenly Matt turned stern.  His brow knitted and he stared me down.  “What is your problem?  This is supposed to be exciting.”

I lost it.  Suddenly everything I’d been thinking and feeling spewed out of me like a geyser.  I was a soda bottle that had been shaken too many times and now nothing could stop the stream.  “You’re going to.  You’re going to leave me.  I’m going to be stuck here in this awful hell hole by myself.  You have so much ahead of you and I can’t hold you back.  You’re going to go and become an amazing surgeon and I’m going to end up working at a gas station for minimum wage.  This,” I said spreading my arms out to indicate my life, “this is what I am.  This is what I’ll always be.  You’re going to leave me and I’m going to be all alone.  That’s it, so I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to know the possibility that lies out there that I’ll never know.  That’s your life and your world, but it isn’t mine and it’s not for people like me.  Plus, you kissed me and you never said a word!”  The last sentence came out before I had a chance to stop it.  I looked down suddenly embarrassed.  I hadn’t wanted to say any of that to him, but there it was.  My chest heaved as I attempted to calm myself.  My hands were shaking and I could feel my blood boiling through my veins.

When I looked up again Matt let out a loud sigh.  I watched as he bit his lip and then reached out for my hand.  It felt as if everything was moving in slow motion.  His hand settled lightly atop mine and he leaned forward, stopping when his face was just inches from mine.  He whispered despite the fact that there was no one else home.  “I…I didn’t know how to ever mention it, ok?  I thought if I ignored it that I could pretend it had never happened.”

“Ah…I see,” I said feeling a heaviness descend on my body.  So he hadn’t actually wanted to kiss me.

“No.  Not like that.  It wasn’t you.  I don’t…I have a hard time accepting that,” he gulped and licked his lips.  “Accepting that I had wanted to kiss you.  That I liked it.  Do you think a day has passed since that I haven’t thought about it?”

I didn’t know how to answer.  I willed myself to speak but nothing would come.  I took a deep breath and I looked at him.  It felt like an eternity before I could force my mouth to move.  “Don’t leave me…” I pleaded hardly louder than the silence that had come before.

His hand squeezed mine and he leaned forward closing the gap between us.  The kiss was different this time.  It wasn’t quick or rushed, it was light and tender, and deliberate.  My breath caught in my chest and my whole body quivered as I kissed him back.  When he finally pulled away he smiled and grabbed some letters from the pile.  “Why don’t we get started so we can find out where we’re going.  Here, you start,” he said as he reached behind him and grabbed the letter opener he’d brought with him. 

I had a million questions but I figured it was best not to push him.  Instead I grabbed the letter opener and slid it into the first envelope.  “Are you ready for this?” I teased as the opener sliced through the paper.  I reached inside and then thought better of it.  “You do it,” I said as I handed the envelope to Matt.

He laughed and gripped the paper from inside, he ripped it from the envelope, unfolded it, and coughed.  “My dear Mr. Austin, you….” He paused for dramatic affect.

“Out with it,” I said with a light punch to his shoulder.

“You have been…ACCEPTED!” he cried out as he set the paper down and reached for the next envelope.

We went through the rest of the evening tearing through envelopes.  To my astonishment I had been accepted to nearly all of the schools I had applied for.  My great grades and careful essays had scored me numerous scholarships.  All of my apprehension had been for nothing.  I could go to any school of our choosing.  Together we began plotting our college careers.  We would both go to Johns Hopkins and we would be careful to make sure that they knew that we must share a dorm room.

When our excitement had reached a fever pitch we jumped into my car and ran to get burgers and fries.  We brought it all back to my room and fed each other fries and bites of cheeseburger until we were about to burst.  We giggled and teased one another as we rolled around in my acceptance letters.  It felt exhilarating to be so happy.

“Can you believe it,” Matt said as we laid on our backs holding hands.

“No,” I answered.  “I never…I thought it was all just a crazy fantasy that I would never actually be a part of.”

“But you are, and we get to go together,” he said as he rolled over onto his elbow and fixed me with his steady gaze.  He glanced at his watch and then leaned forward to kiss me for the second time.  He pulled away and looked deep into my eyes.  “I have to get going, but you know you’ll see me soon,” he said as he started to rise.  I gripped his hand and tried to pull him back but he only looked at me sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but I have to go or my parents will worry.” 

“Ok,” I said with a sigh.  “But you know I’ll come and find you tomorrow.”

“You better!” he said as he grabbed his letter opener with a grin before sliding out of my bedroom.  A few moments later I heard a small tinkling on my window.  I stood and went to look out.  I could see Matt standing at his car waving.  I raised up the window and leaned out.

“We’re going to be doctors!” he yelled and then jumped into his car. 

“We’re going to be doctors,” I whispered to myself as I picked up the Johns Hopkins acceptance letter to look it over again.  It all felt like a dream, one meant for other people but never for me.  Come to find out, I was the only one that the fantasy was meant for.

Chapter 3 – Matthew

It was just two days before we were going to depart for college when the disaster struck.  Everything about the day had felt normal until I went downstairs for breakfast.  The sun was shining brightly through my window, I could hear the birds singing outside, by all appearances, it was going to be a great summer day.  Things changed the second that I opened my bedroom door.  I could hear the hum of voices.  It wasn’t the shallow murmur of a close hushed conversation; it was the loud buzz of a group of individuals.  I couldn’t make out who the voices belonged to except for my mother’s and she was shrill and panic stricken.  I felt my blood run cold as I started the descent down the stairs.  My heart pounded and I felt like a child afraid to look under the bed.  Do I really want to know what is going on down there? I felt myself wondering.  In the exact same moment, I knew I had to go to my mother, there was no other decision to be made.

My instincts told me that I should rush but I could hardly move at more than a crawl.  One step at a time I made my way to the bottom of the staircase and from there I could see them, dozens of them – strangers flitting around my house as if they owned the place.  As I approached my mother I reached out my hand and touched her shoulder.  My fingertips had barely settled when she turned to me, her face lit with recognition and then dropped.  I knew the news was bad.  Whatever it would be, there was no way that her face conveyed anything but hopelessness. 

“What’s going on,” I said doing my best to control the tremor in my voice that was threatening to assert itself.

I watched as my mother glanced around searching for someone else to answer the question.  Each person her eyes fell upon looked away and wandered off, this was not their disaster to share.

“Just tell me,” I said becoming frustrated by her silence.  I stepped before her and gripped her other shoulder and began to shake her as I yelled, “Tell me!  Where is Dad!  Where is Dad?”  A stranger approached and pulled my arms away as my mother began to cry. 

“Give her a minute,” he suggested as we both looked on waiting for her to be ready.  My mother looked tired.  There were large bags and dark circles under and around her eyes, her shoulders hunched, and her usually perfectly styled hair was a mess of disorganized strands.  

When her sobbing had passed, she looked up to me and said the words I’d been dreading, “Your father is missing.”

My forehead scrunched and I felt my mind spinning.  I heard what she had said but comprehension wasn’t coming to me.  “What do you mean?”

She stepped forward and hugged me tightly.  “He never came home last night.  I…I didn’t tell you sooner because you were out with Austin and I didn’t want to make you worry if it was nothing.”

“What?  Like he never came home from work?”

“No.  The guys from the business say that he left at his regular time and as far as they know he was headed straight home.”  I could feel her small frame shaking beneath my arms.  She was fighting to stay strong but it was taking every ounce of energy she had left.  She sniffled and continued, “The cops say it’s too soon to start a serious search yet so I called our church and they sent all of these people to help.  They’re being so supportive,” she said forcing a false smile as she looked around.  “The police say they can do more once he’s been missing for more than two days, but I’m sure we’ll find him honey, don’t you worry!” Her arms pushed me out to arm’s length and she looked at me sternly.  “Don’t worry ok.  We’re going to find him,” she added with a nod of her head. 

I was in shock and no matter what she said I knew the words were more for herself than for me.  It looked as if everyone had things under control and there was nothing I could do so I pulled away and wandered back upstairs to be alone with my thoughts.  Just before I closed the bedroom door, I heard my mother call after me, “We’ll find him, don’t worry!”

But I was worried.  My father wouldn’t have gone anywhere but home.  In my gut I knew something had happened to him or he’d be here right now and everything would be normal.  I had seen these type of things on television before and I knew if you didn’t find the person almost immediately, then there was very little hope that you would.  Hopelessness overcame me and all I could think about was Austin.  I sent him a text and told him what was going on.  I knew he would be busy packing and I told him not to come, that just talking to him was enough, but I knew he would never listen and not even ten minutes later he was banging on my door.

“Let me in,” he called out as he banged again.  By now I had lost myself to listlessness and the very thought of getting up made my whole body ache.

“No…I can’t,” I bellowed from behind the closed door my voice already throaty and hoarse.

“Please let me in,” he said softer. “I need to know that you’re ok.”

“I can’t…my body won’t move,” I groaned.  Every muscle in my body felt simultaneously tight and elastic.  I closed my eyes and willed myself to focus all of my energy.  Slowly I lifted myself up onto my elbows and swung my legs over the edge of the bed.  “I’m working on it,” I called out.

“Ugh,” Austin groaned from the other side of the door.  “Just stay there, I’ll let myself in.”

Throughout the years we had developed a system.  It was originally just for fun and to stave off boredom, but together we had spent time learning how to pick the lock on my door.  If he was coming over and I was too lazy to get up, he would let himself in.  This happened so often that he had begun to carry a bobby pin on his keys.  I now heard the familiar jangling of his key ring as he removed the pin and began to work it in the door knob.  The light scraping seemed to echo through the room as he twisted and turned the metal pin.  Seconds later Austin was pushing the door open.  He stopped at just a foot or so and poked his head inside.  “You ok?” he said with a reluctant tight-lipped smile.

The sight of Austin and his forced grin was enough to have me crying again.  What is it about someone caring about you that makes the waterworks flow?  In my mind I chastised myself for not being more of a man, for not sucking it up and staying strong.  I knew I looked like a disheveled mess.  I could feel the red rings around my eyes and I quickly covered my face with my arm and rolled so that my back was facing the doorway.

I could hear Austin as he pushed the door the rest of the way open and stepped towards the bed.  I closed my eyes and continued to listen as he stopped at the edge of the mattress and stood completely motionless.  I knew he was deciding what he should do to help me.  Moments later he was climbing onto the bed behind me.  When his arm fell across my waist and pulled me back against him, the flood came loose. 

“Shhh…. shhh…. it’s going to be ok,” he cooed as he stroked my hair.

“But, but what if it’s not?” I asked as I reached for the tissues on my bedside table.  “What if something horrible has happened to him?”

“Don’t worry.  They’ll find him, it’s been less than a day.  I’m sure he’ll show up.  Maybe his car broke down somewhere and he’s been stuck.”

Turning onto my back I grew irrationally angry, “He’d have called,” I yelled.

“Maybe…shit, I don’t know.  He’s going to be ok though,” Austin said and he grabbed a tissue and began to wipe my tears away. 

“I wish I could believe you,” I whispered as I pressed my face to his shirt.  I had always loved the way he smelled and now his scent and the heat of his body felt like the most comforting thing in the world.

“They’ll find him,” he said again as he stroked my back and held me tight. 

Austin stayed the entire rest of the day and through the night.  He kept me company by distracting me with nonsense trivia and silly jokes.  I know he was doing his best but it couldn’t break through the thought at the back of my mind.  I was afraid to even say the words to him, but when we woke the next morning, both of us still in our clothes from the day before, and my dad still missing, I knew I had to get it out.

I looked at Austin’s sleeping face and my heart clenched from the ache of the words that were about to leave my lips.  “Austin,” I said quietly both trying and not trying to wake him. 

“Hmm?” he grumbled without opening his eyes.

“Hey,” I said reaching out to poke him gently. 

He popped open one eye but kept the other firmly shut.  “Go back to sleep,” he mumbled as he let his eye fall shut again.

“No.  Listen.  I can’t go.”

“Can’t go to what?” he said not catching on to what I was saying.

“With my dad still missing.  I can’t go with you.  I can’t leave my mom…”

Austin quickly rose up and gripped my neck pulling me closer to him.  “To college?  You’re saying you can’t go with me to school?  We’ve done nothing but talk about it for the last year.  I can’t do it without you.”

“Yes you can.  I mean, if they find him by tomorrow I’ll go, but you know that isn’t looking likely.”

“Come anyway,” he said growing desperate.  My heart broke when I saw the hurt in his eyes.

“You know I can’t leave my mom, not with something like this.  Not to be all alone.”

“But I need you,” he said as he closed the gap between us and pressed his soft lips to mine.  “This was your dream,” he whispered against my wet lips.  “I was going for you.”

The anxiety in his voice and the desperation in his touch made me want to run away with him right then.  The thought of throwing everything away and pretending that nothing else mattered but being with him singed through my veins like a bolt of lightning.  “Go without me,” were the words that left my lips.  “I can meet you later.”

“I don’t want to go without you,” he said growing frustrated.  “This was us; this was what we were going to do.  You wanted to be the doctor!”

“Go be one for me,” I pleaded as I cupped his face in my hands.  “When I show up you can teach me everything I’ve missed.  You can help me catch up.  It won’t be for long,” I said gripping his hands in my own.  I cradled his hands as if they were little doves and I kissed each of his fingertips.  “It isn’t forever,” I repeated as I wrapped my hands gently around his.

He looked at me in sad silence.  I could see the loss in his eyes already, the depression that was bound to sink in. 

“Soon,” I said.  “When this has all passed.”  It felt strange to be the one comforting him when I was the one with a missing father, but he was right.  Going to school together was our dream; it was the life we had planned together.  It was the jumping off to bigger and better things, and now I was telling him to go live the life without me.  I felt the dam within my core beginning to break and I knew if I looked at him any longer the water would surge and I wouldn’t be able to contain it again.  Instead I looked away.  “I better go check on my mother and see if there’s any news.” 

“Ok,” he said quietly as he released my hands and let me rise from the bed. 

If I could change anything I said and did during those couple of days, it would be that moment.  Something happened in that instant, something irreparable.  For all of our closeness, he would now be going on to a new life without me.  One I had begged him to go to, and I would be left alone with a broken family that would be eaten alive by depression and heartache.

I spent the next fifteen minutes downstairs discussing the developments with my mother.  Of course, there had been none and most of the time was spent consoling her and attempting to stay positive and upbeat for both of our sakes.  When I returned to my room I found the door wide open and Austin was gone.  I knew he would be leaving me, but I hadn’t expected it to be quite so soon.

I remember stepping to the center of the room and becoming overcome with anger.  Angry at my father for going missing, angry at my mother for not staying stronger through it all, angry at Austin for walking out when I needed him, and angry for the life I had thought I was going to have.  It felt like it was all slipping away and all I wanted to do was destroy something.  Everything I had been holding in was done being held inside and like a beast it roared through me.  I’ve never been prone to aggression but in that moment nothing could have stopped me as I ripped the blankets from my bed and threw anything I could find at the walls.  I knew my mother could hear me but she left me alone, chances are she was also feeling the pull to obliterate something herself and understood the need to let me do it.  When I was finished I looked around and felt proud of the destruction I had created, and then I cried.  There’s nothing like the certainty that someone you love is now gone forever.  I knew we’d never see my father again, and now I worried that Austin was lost as well.

Two days passed, and he left.

A few months’ later reality struck.  Without my father’s income we couldn’t keep living the same lifestyle.  My mother had to give up the house and we moved into a smaller apartment closer to where Austin had grown up.  I intentionally didn’t give Austin my new address, and with time my phone calls became fewer and fewer.  I was setting him free in the only way I knew how.  Not because I wanted to, but because it became too difficult to keep the secret from the person I shared everything with.  In the end I knew it was best to let him go, to go on to his bright future without me, if I had shared what was becoming of my family he would have rushed back.  I know he would have.  He’d have come to rescue me, but he needed to go and become the great man I knew he could be.   

Chapter 4 – Austin

I didn’t hear from Matthew again before I left.  I didn’t call him because I didn’t want to disturb his time with his mother, and I let myself believe that he hadn’t called me because they were busy.  As I slid into my packed car and drove away from the life I’d always known, I felt a sense of relief, elation, and immense sadness.  I wanted Matt to be going with me, but it was he that had pushed me away, and nothing can change perspective like the thrill of starting a new life.  Baltimore would give me this new life, and if Matt couldn’t come with me, then I would live and learn for the both of us.

Eventually I did call Matt.  It was days after I had arrived at school but I knew he needed me even if he had pushed me away.  When I called he was distant as he explained that his father still hadn’t been found.  I felt guilty telling him anything about school so I resisted the urge and kept the excitement to myself.  The truth was that it was exhilarating to be somewhere brand new.  I was meeting new people, making new friends, and I didn’t have to hide who I was.  Here I was free to be me, to be open about my sexual preference.  No more having to hide.  I thought of Matt and about the countless times he had told me that we had to be a secret, that his family could never know, that others at school couldn’t know.  We had always been a treasure held just between the two of us.  It had been precious but regretful.  I had wanted to share our love with the world and we never could.

Matthew and I tried to stay in contact but as the days turned into weeks, and then months, it became easier to put off the phone calls.  His family was striving to come to terms with the realization that his father was never to be found, and I had procured a brand new exciting and busy life.  I missed Matt more than I’d ever missed anything in my life but he never came to join me and I knew I had to move on. 

School was enlightening.  I continued to get good grades, and despite the fact that I had chosen to become a doctor because it had been Matt’s interest, I found myself loving the intricacies of it all.  I grew to love the technical aspects of helping or saving a life.  I was drawn to the knowledge and perfection that was needed – the responsibility. 

In my off time I made friends and met other guys, other men that were gay and unashamed.  These new friends taught me to be proud.  They took me to all of the popular clubs and taught me that I never needed to feel embarrassed by my preference ever again.  I wanted Matt to be here too, I wanted him to learn that being gay was nothing to be ashamed of, that it was the small town idiots that should feel bad, but he wasn’t here. 

I remember the day I met my first real boyfriend.  Matt would always be my first love, but we were so hidden that I couldn’t call him my boyfriend.  Andrew was my first experience as someone that was “out”.  We met, of all places, at an ice cream parlor.

It was the summer of my first year of school.  Many of the students had gone home to spend time with their families, but for me, there was nothing to go home to.  Matt and I had distanced ourselves and hadn’t spoken in months and the thought of visiting my mother made me want to vomit.  Instead I took on a simple summer job and stayed in Baltimore. 

I was staying in a popular uptown neighborhood with a lot of homegrown artsy stores.  It was known as a cool area to hang out on the weekend and just chill.  The small place I worked at was an independent ice cream store that focused on creating unique and unusual flavors.  Each week people would crowd in to see what new flavors had been invented.  It was a fun place to work.  The owners were very casual and were reluctant to enforce any sort of uniform and we were allowed to listen to whatever music we wanted.  It was perfect for a young college student.

Andrew would stroll in regularly.  Sometimes he would be alone, sometimes he would be with a group of people.  I was immediately drawn to him.  He was handsome and exuded an air of confidence that I’d never had.  I think that’s what I liked.  No matter whom he was with he was always completely and unabashedly himself.  When he was alone he would tease me as I scooped his ice cream and then he would sit in the corner of the small parlor and would eat the melting treat seductively as he watched me work.  It was distracting to say the least.   

I liked him but I wasn’t confident enough to ask him out or say anything.   Being a “small town boy” I had no experience outside of the time I had spent with Matthew, and the thought of openly asking another man to dinner had me breaking out in a cold sweat.  Thankfully, Andrew made a move on me.  It was a scorching hot summer day.  He came in for his weekly ice cream and instead of walking away after I had scooped and handed him his cone, he leaned forward and said, with all the brazen attitude of someone that knew I wouldn’t say no, “Come out with me tonight.”

Just like that.  If this had been the south, I think I’d have swooned like a southern belle and he’d have had to rush around the counter to catch me.  I gulped as my heart pounded in my chest and I answered, “Ok,” so quietly that I’m surprised he heard me at all.

“Great!  When should I come by?” he said with a distractingly huge smirk plastered across his gorgeous face.    

“Um…I’m off at 7:00.” 

“Ok.  I’ll see you then,” he said as he licked his ice cream and headed straight out the door. 

I turned away from the main counter and felt my face flush beet red.  Sheila, one of the other employees started laughing and then pointed saying, “I think you have a few more people to help lover boy.”  I couldn’t keep the grin off my face as I turned back around to continue helping the rest of the customers. They had all seen it.  They had all seen him ask me out and no one acted like a man asking a man out was anything unusual.  My life had certainly changed from the tiny backwoods mentality I was used to.

The whole rest of the day zoomed by and before I knew it the time of the date was fast approaching.  Andrew arrived just on time.  He waited outside the main door and as soon as I exited he rushed forward to greet me. 

“Hi,” I stuttered fumbling over my anxiousness.

“Heya!  Are you ready?” he asked as he slid his hand into mine.  The whole thing felt surreal.

“I don’t know.  Where are we going?”

“Oh.  You’ll see.  You’re going to love it, you just have to trust me,” he said with a casual raise of his eyebrow.

“Alright,” I said as he began to whisk me towards the bright lights a few blocks away.  He was right.  I did love it, but in the back of my mind was Matthew.

Andrew took me out to a drag show.  I had never experienced anything like it in my life.  Everyone around was just like me, and the show, oh my god the show was something else.  The colors, the music, the makeup, the hair, and the sequins.  It was thrilling and fun and in the middle of my date I kept thinking about how much Matthew would have loved it.  I did my best to push those thoughts away because Matthew wasn’t here and Andrew might be my future.

I had never thought I would be a cheap date but when he took me home, I couldn’t say no.  I opened my door and invited him inside for a drink.  It felt like the right thing to invite someone in for but I didn’t actually have any alcohol. 

“So, what are we drinking?” Andrew asked as he stepped inside.

“Oh…right.  I…um…I don’t actually have any alcohol,” I said as I wrung my hands and laughed nervously.

“That’s ok,” he said as he seemed to effortlessly glide across the room to where I stood.  His hand fell around my waist and he pulled me to him.  “We don’t have to drink,” he continued as his mouth moved to my neck.

My mind was screaming holy shit, holy shit! as he moved along my jawline.  He traveled slowly taking his time until he made his way to my lips.  When his mouth pressed against mine it was nothing like the first time that Matthew had kissed my cheek.  Andrew’s lips were hungry and as our mouths opened up together I could feel a driving force of desire behind his every move.  It was only minutes between our first kiss and our stumble to the bedroom.  He was ripping my shirt off over my head at the same time I worked the buttons and the zipper of his jeans.  It felt freeing to be so careless. When we fell together onto my bed it felt animalistic.

All the time I had spent with Matthew we never took it so far.  We were wrapped up in our anonymity that we were too afraid to naked together.  We’d hold hands and we would kiss in the security of our bedrooms but we never ventured into the world of sex.  I would have liked Matthew to have been my first but we both had our reasons for holding out.  I think we both imagined that school would be our chance, our opportunity to experience one another.  It’s funny how expectations change and now someone new was going to take my virginity.

“This ok?” Andrew asked as he began to pull down my pants.

“Yeah, but…you should know… I,” I stopped speaking and bit my lip nervously.

“What?” he said stopping with my pants pulled halfway down my legs.

“I haven’t, ya know.  I haven’t done this before.”

“That’s ok,” he said with a sly smirk.  We’ll take it easy. 

“I don’t want to take it easy,” I said feeling my courage welling up inside of me.  “I’ve taken things easy my whole life.  I want you, and I want you now,” I continued as I reached forward and pulled him over top of me.  “I’m done waiting.  I’m done caring about the rest of the world and what it would think.  I want you.  Don’t go easy on me.  Show me what this is all about.”

“Wow.  Ok then,” he said as he ground his body against mine.  I could feel his hardness pressing against my thigh and I felt giddy.  When he rolled me onto my stomach and slid himself inside of me it was everything I had hoped it could be except I wished that it had been Matt.                   

That first date was just the beginning for Andrew and me.  We managed to stay together throughout the rest of my studies and only separated when my residency began.  He had been an art student and couldn’t understand the time commitment required to become a surgeon.  Andrew believed that life should be about more than service and in some ways, after an eighty-hour week, I would have agreed with him, but I’d made a promise years before that I would always keep.  Matt may not have come to school with me, but I had told him I would study for the both of us and that I would become the doctor that he should have been.  I never spoke to Andrew about my connection with Matt, I didn’t think he would have understood.  To Andrew, sex meant satiating our animal instincts, and with Matt and I, it had never been about that.  We had always been drawn to one another in a different way, we shared something deeper than a sexual desire.  Something that couldn’t be shared or explained to anyone that hadn’t been part of it.  

I wondered about him often.  I would be busy on my rounds, meeting with an elderly couple, soothing a frantic teen, comforting those that had lost someone, and I knew that Matthew should have been there beside me.  He was always the gentler one and he’d have known the perfect words for each circumstance.  Late at night when I couldn’t sleep my mind would return to him.  I contemplated what his life could be now.  Had he met someone else?  Had he gone to school somewhere else?  Did he still think of me?  I picked up the phone and held it to my ear countless times but I couldn’t bring myself to dial the number.  A number he probably wasn’t at anymore.  Too much time had passed.  Would he even want a call from me now?

Chapter 5 – Matthew

It’s been years since I’ve spoken with Austin.  When he left everything crashed.  I should have gone with him but felt it was my duty to stay beside my mother.  I knew my father was never going to be found and I couldn’t abandon her as well.  I think she’d have told me to go if I had asked what she wanted but I never asked because I didn’t want to put the burden on her. 

Staying didn’t help anything though.  My father remained missing, my mother stayed heartbroken, and I felt shattered.  My life had sifted through my hands in the span of a few days and continued to crumble as the months progressed.  My heart ached for Austin.  I needed to be with him but couldn’t bring myself to bridge the gap that had grown between us.  I imagined him in his new life without me, how much fun he would be having, about his new friends, and I didn’t think I belonged there any longer.  He had moved on in a way that I couldn’t.

In the beginning I dreamed about him almost nightly.  We spoke on occasion but it wasn’t enough.  My life was in upheaval and I needed someone so he came to me in my sleep.  I would dream about us the way that we had been.  I would dream about the future I had imagined, that we were both dutiful students housed in the same dorm room.  I would dream that we were together for all time.  Each morning I would wake sad and depressed, almost too lifeless to bother getting out of bed.  I would force myself each day to put on a brave face and to stay strong for my mother but inside I was eroding.

Two months in it became clear that I could never go off to become a doctor with Austin.  My mother had cracked under the stress and was suffering severe depression so it fell on me to support us.  Everyone in the town knew me as one of the local star athletes and it didn’t take me long to find a job at the small supermarket.  I spent the days working the register or stocking the shelves.  I would fantasize about what life must be like for Austin and I never held it against him that he’d left when I told him too.  It was best for him to get away from the hell hole that was his upbringing.  He deserved something better and I was happy that he was out there searching for it even if it couldn’t be with me.

Having stayed in our little town, I kept our secret.  I shared with no one that I was gay and I occasionally went on dates with women just to keep the talk down.  My mom couldn’t understand why I didn’t pick someone and settle down, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth.  The dates were hard.  I was an imposter.  The women would pretty themselves and they would flirt and hold my hand.  Each one looked at me as if I held the promise of their future in my hands.  They were the same girls from school.  They had known me when I was the popular football jock and they knew me now as the local store clerk that never made it anywhere.  My status had degraded but I was available and had a job and that’s what matters around here.

Every summer I would wonder if Austin was going to come home and visit.  As the flowers began to bloom and the weather warmed I could feel the anticipation beginning to rise.  Will he come this year? Yet he never came.  Whether he was avoiding his past life, or me, I didn’t know.  Year after year I could feel the hope rise and year after year it would be dashed until I no longer began to anticipate his return.

The disruption of my father’s disappearance waned but my mother’s illness only grew.  I watched as she shriveled from a vibrant beautiful woman into an agoraphobic shut in.  I tried my best to help her.  I attempted to take her on outings, to get out and enjoy the sunshine and the flowers.  Movies, theatre, restaurants – nothing could draw her out.  On a good day you could get her to the car before she would panic and insist she needed to return to the apartment.  When it became clear that I could no longer give her the help that she needed I put her into a care facility.

She was far too young to be going to a place like that.  A sterile environment full of the Alzheimer ridden elderly.  Though her hair had dulled and her skin had begun to hang on her, there were still glimpses of the beautiful woman she had been underneath and it was hard to see her besides those that were nearly twice her age.  She fought me when I told her what had to be done.  She wanted to stay home but the burden was too much to bare.  I couldn’t support us and act as caregiver.  She cried and wailed when I pulled up to the curb.  When I walked around to her side of the car to help her out she pounded her frail fists against my chest and cursed me for doing this to her.  I closed my eyes and took it all because I knew I deserved it.  I wished I could care for her better, but how was I supposed to help her when I couldn’t even come to terms with myself.

At 25 I was left completely alone.  To fill the time in the evening I began to write.  I had never considered myself much of a writer, but with solitude came insight and I began to write about my experiences with Austin.  Initially I wrote only for myself and to fill the emptiness that was left by my father, Austin, and then my mother.  My heart felt heavy with everything I’d had to bear and getting it out on the page helped me to work through my feelings of ineptitude.  I never had any intention of publishing but as the story grew I realized it might help others that had grown up like we had – in a small bigoted town that would never understand what we had shared and would have shamed us had they known. 

I went back through the manuscript and changed the names so that no one would know who we were.  It felt wrong because it went against everything I had written, a story about two young boys that would have loved to have shared their connection with the world but were too ashamed and too afraid.  After a year of working on the book I sent it to some publishers.  I wasn’t delusional, I knew how hard it was to get someone to publish a book and I braced myself for an onslaught of rejection. 

It took months for the letters to start arriving.  I kept them in a pile on the desk by the door, much like Austin had when he began to get his college acceptance notices.  I wanted to know what the envelopes contained but felt that any more let downs and I might just lose it like my mother had.  Finally feeling brave one evening I sat down with them.  I held them in my hands and stared at each one carefully before sliding my finger under a flap to rip it open.  I pulled out the page and closed my eyes.  I couldn’t look, it was too hard.  Mustering all of my nerve I opened a single eye.  Just enough to be counted as a squint and I glanced down at the page.  It wasn’t a rejection at all.  I plowed through the rest of the envelopes and instead of dashed dreams I had received offers from two well-known publishing houses.  I wanted to run around the house screaming for joy but there was no one there to share the excitement so I opened a bottle of wine and toasted to myself. 

Publishing was a small glimmer of light in a life that felt doomed to grocery store bags, canned goods, and loneliness.  Maybe there was still a better life out there for me after all.   

I called both of the publishers and spoke to them about their vision for my book.  One sounded more tempting than the other and promised me great visions of grandeur but I went with the one that seemed to understand my message.  It was another year of conversations and revisions before it went to the publisher and then a second year while they worked on the marketing plan and cover designs. 

It was difficult to be patient during this time.  I wanted to see the book out in the world. I imagined walking into a bookstore and seeing it on the shelves.  I continued working at the grocery store through all of the back and forth and on my 28th birthday it was finally going to be released.  It had been eight plus years since I had seen Austin and yet he was still the one that I wished to share with.  I was surprised that after so many years he could still be the one that I was drawn to.  He could be anywhere now, doing anything but I still wished he were there with me in my empty house sharing in my excitement.

The day that my book became available I drove the thirty minutes to the next town over to go into a larger book store that would be carrying it on their shelves.  It took me a minute to find it among the other books, but there it was, my little book nestled in among the same books I had read and loved since childhood.  I didn’t need to but I bought a copy and brought it home.  I’d already had free copies from the publisher but there was something about having a copy that I had bought at a real store.  It felt different.  It felt real.

To my great astonishment the book began to take off.  One day it was this little manuscript I was working on at home and in the span of a few years it was a best seller.  My publicist suggested that I consider a book tour to promote it and to meet with my fans.  It would involve speaking engagements where I would read from the book and then sign it for attendees.  I promptly put in my notice at the grocery store and prepared for my nationwide tour.  I hadn’t done any public speaking since I was forced to give presentations in high school and I could feel my nerves rising when I considered reading in front of a crowd.  I spent time on the internet looking up public speaking tips and then stood in front of a video recorder and practiced.  Carefully I practiced my pacing, my arm movements, voice clarity and projection, and my breathing.  At first I felt like I was going to hyperventilate I was trying to go through the passage so quickly.  With practice it became easier and it didn’t take long for it to begin to feel more natural. 

Going on tour also meant that I would be coming out to the world.  I would no longer be the anonymous man behind the cover.  Everyone in my little town would learn that I’d always been gay.  I considered that with the money I was making I could move away but I didn’t think that I should give them the satisfaction.  I decided I would wait and see.  If things went poorly I could always leave later.

Still sitting at the #3 location in the top book charts I set off on my tour.  I flew from my home state of Illinois all the way to California.  I had never been to California before and to my amazement Los Angeles was exactly as I pictured it.  At least portions of it was.  In my spare time I did the regular tourist thing and spent some time in Hollywood.  I had always been a bit of a film buff and despite being a tourist trap I found it thrilling.  I took pictures of my hands on the stars of my favorite actors and ate in the overpriced restaurants.  In the evening I had my speaking engagements.  I had several dates in Los Angeles and then would move on to San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, Denver, Houston, Atlanta, and Baltimore.  I had my publicist set Baltimore last for a reason. 

During the phone call where we discussed dates and cities I had asked her, “If I do this tour can I select the last city?”

“As long as it isn’t ridiculous,” she had said with a laugh.  It was Baltimore, I knew she would consider it reasonable.

“Can I have Baltimore last?”

“Why would you want to do the biggest engagement last?” she had asked suspiciously.

“There’s something important I need to do there and I don’t want to be hassled by needing to be in another city too soon.  I also need something else.”

“What?” she said her voice growing flatter by the second.  Apparently new novelists aren’t supposed to make too many demands.

“I need you to find someone for me.”

“That isn’t exactly our business.  I don’t know if you noticed but we make and sell books.”

“I know but I can’t bring myself to do it.  I think you could find him easily.”

“So that’s it?  You want us to schedule Baltimore last and to track down some guy?”

“That’s it,” I said feeling a calmness wash over me.  For everything I had put off for so long, I was finally going to make it right.

“Alright then, Baltimore is last.  What’s the name?”

“Austin Wright.”

Chapter 6 – Austin

“Holy shit!  Wait!  Stop!” Austin exclaimed as he walked past the bookstore with his friends.  He stopped dead in his tracks and then backtracked a few steps to get a better view of the book in the window. 

“What?  You want to read that or something?” Alicia asked as he stared on in shocked silence.  “Hello?  Earth to Austin,” she continued as she waved her hand in front of his face. 

“Just give me a second,” he said speaking up.  There, inside the large glass window was a large black and white photograph of Matthew next to a book titled “Hiding my identity: A story of growing up gay in small town America.”  Austin looked at the book and then back up at the picture and he felt a solid lump grow in his throat.  He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.  When he opened his eyes again everything felt like a dream.  The others on the sidewalk seemed to be moving in slow motion and he could feel his body swaying.  He leaned forward and braced himself on the glass as he forced himself to look down at the sidewalk.

“Are you ok?” Alicia asked as she stepped closer and placed a hand on his back.

Taking in a deep breath and then blowing it out slowly, Austin answered, “That’s him.”

“What?” Alicia asked as she glanced up at the photograph.  “This guy?  He’s who?  Do you know him?”

“That’s Matt,” he said as he blew out another breath. 

“Oh my god.  Matt?  Like, the Matt?”

Another deep inhale and exhale.  “Um…yeah,” he said as he released his hands from the glass and brought them down to his knees.

“Wow.  Hey, you know, I’ve read this book.  Wait…that was you!  The book was about you!  You know he’s famous now,” she continued excitedly as Austin’s anxiety grew.  Seeing the display was like a powerful punch to the stomach.  He still thought about Matt all the time but he had never in a million years expected to be confronted with a giant poster of his face.

“Ok…I think I’m ok,” he said speaking mostly to himself.  He rose back up and looked at the photo again.  There was no mistaking it, it was Matt – his Matt.  “You’ve read this?” he asked as his voice quivered.

“It’s amazing.  You need to read it.  I think we should go in and get a copy.”

“I don’t know if I can,” he said as he turned to look at his friend.

“I’ll go get it for you,” she said just before dashing into the bookstore. 

Minutes later she returned holding a store bag.  “You’ll never guess what the guy at the register told me.”

“What?” he asked tired from the rush of endorphins that had swarmed his body. 

“You’re not even going to guess?”

“No.”

“Ok, fine.  He’s in the middle of a book tour and he’s going to be here tomorrow night.  There were still tickets so I got you one!  You’re welcome!” she said as she handed him the bag.

“I don’t know…I don’t think I can,” he said as the weight of the book seemed to pull his arms all the way down to the ground.  He needed a nap, he needed to sleep for a hundred years.  He was not prepared for this.

“You have to do this,” she said growing stern.  “Do you know how many times I’ve had to listen to you talk about him?  Too many.  You still love him.  You need to go see him.  You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.  So you’re going to go, it’s settled.  Now let’s go eat,” she said as she wrapped her arm through his and began to drag him down the sidewalk towards the Indian food restaurant they had picked out earlier. 

Sitting down to dinner he couldn’t take his mind off of the photograph or the book.  It seemed so out of character for the Matthew that he had known.  The poor scared boy that was so afraid that someone would find out about them.  The same Matthew that had made him promise to keep their affection a secret and would only allow him to hold his hand or kiss him in the privacy of their bedrooms.  Their parents hadn’t even known.  Everything they had was cloaked in secrecy and now it was out there, a best seller telling the world about their once forbidden love. 

“I can tell you’re still thinking about it,” Alicia said as she scooped a pile of basmati rice onto her plate.

“Yeah, well…it’s a bit mind boggling, ya know?  I haven’t seen him in almost 9 years and there he is plastered all over the front of a popular bookstore.  It’s weird.  I just, I never expected it.”

“But aren’t you happy?  Aren’t you excited that he’s going to be here?”

“I don’t know.  It feels so sudden.  All I’ve wanted to do since I left Illinois was see him again and to make him proud but now that he’s going to be here, I can’t help feeling like maybe we’re not the same people we used to be.”

“Of course you’re not!  You were teenagers but now you are men.  You’re a prized surgeon, apparently he’s a famous author, you’ve grown up.  I think it’s a sign.  I think this was meant to be and you’re going to go there tomorrow, and you’re going to see him, and it’s going to be magical.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Yes you do.  This is happening for a reason.  You’ve become the doctor he always wanted you to be and now he’s manned up about the fact that he loves men.  It’s perfect.  Now you can go and live happily ever after together.  No more secrecy.  Oh man…it’s gonna be so cute!  Gah!  I can’t wait.”

Austin couldn’t help but laugh as he watched Alicia get carried away.  She had a way of becoming overly enthusiastic and it was contagious.  A broad smile spread across his face and he too began to imagine the possibilities.

***

Matthew was set to take the stage at 8:00 P.M.  I arrived an hour early to give myself some time to adjust to the realization of what was about to happen and to find a seat.  I expected a small group of people but he had sold so many tickets that the bookstore ended up moving it into their larger auditorium.  They occasionally got massively huge authors and needed the larger space to host their events, it was staggering to think that Matthew now fell in this range. 

I entered the auditorium and the entire room was a buzz of conversation.  I could hear casual talk, conspiratorial laughter, and compliments, dozens of compliments all about how insightful and life altering the book had been.  I felt ashamed that I had taken the book home but couldn’t bring myself to read a single page.  I found myself afraid of it.  Afraid of what it might reveal and how personal it all had been between us.  I wasn’t embarrassed by our past but it felt strange to have it out there for the world.  It’s unusual to be confronted by one’s own past like that.  We always see it differently in hindsight and I worried I wouldn’t like how Matthew saw it. 

I sat and listened to the conversations roaring around me.  I felt nervous but I also felt hidden.  I could see Matthew and if I didn’t have the nerve after, I could leave and he’d never know.  Every few minutes I would glance at my watch and slowly the time ticked by and before I knew it the lights were dimming.  Seconds later a man walked out onto the stage.  Matthew.

Chapter 7 – Matthew & Austin

“Five minutes until show time,” my publicist teased as she walked around sampling all of the snack trays.

“Do you have it?” I asked feeling impatient with her antics.

“Have what?” she asked as if he ignorance were cute.

I rubbed my eyes and sighed heavily.  “You know what.  Do you have the address?”

“As a matter of fact I do,” she said as she pulled a slip of paper from her pocket and waved it around in the air.  I reached out my arm to snatch it from her but she pulled it back before I could grab it.  “Uh uh, not so fast.  As it turns out, you won’t be needing the address.”

“What?” I asked flatly as I pressed my forehead into my palm.

“It turns out Mr. Austin has come to you.”

“Excuse me?”  I said raising my head to look her in the eye.

“One of the attendants out there helping people find their seats.  They recognized him.  You know, from the photo in your book.  He’s out there,” she said waving her arm towards the audience.

“Out there?  Right now?” I asked feeling my entire body grow cold. 

“Turns out he’s here to see his old flame too,” she said with a wink.  “Time’s up.  Have fun out there,” she said with a giggle as she pushed me towards the stage.  She may have found this funny but I now had to go and act normal in front of a crowd.  I felt the urge to run and hide but I knew that I couldn’t do that. 

I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and stepped out onto the stage.  I felt like the whole audience would be able to see me shaking but I forced myself to focus on the podium.  Ten steps were all I had to take to make it there and then I could read and act like I hadn’t heard a word that my publicist had said.  I could pretend that he wasn’t out there watching me read about the life that we had together. 

I pushed the reading glasses up on my nose and placed my hands around the pages before me.  I took a deep breath and began to read, slowly, calmly.  I had the words memorized but I used the pages as a distraction.  I could only look down for so long though and I knew at some point I had to look up.  At the appropriate place I lifted my gaze and looked out at the audience, and entire sea of smiling faces.  I glanced from side to side telling myself not to search for him but unable to stop. 

There, near the middle, there he was. 

I stuttered as I forced myself to continue reading.  I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him and I recited the words by rote.  My mind wandered as I continued to speak.  He looked older but surprisingly the same.  I’d have recognized him anywhere.  I had expected him to be different, and I expected that maybe, just maybe I could be over him if I saw him again, but I wasn’t.  I could hardly breath as I continued to look at him.  I felt overwhelmed and emotional on the stage in front of everyone.  My body felt as if it were naked and laid bare for all to see and pick at.  I wondered if they could see it on my face, or if it was the fact that I had stopped reciting that drew their attention the most.

“Something’s wrong with him.  What is he staring at?” someone from the audience called out.  A group of individuals stood and turned towards the back of the auditorium trying to find what was holding my interest.  I knew I should continue, that I should draw their attention back but I couldn’t force myself to say another word.  Then someone spotted him. 

“Look!  It’s him!  It’s the boy from the book!” they yelled as they pointed.

I gulped and watched as Austin stood.  To my astonishment he began to smile and to wave.  The crowd cheered and applauded him…us.  They were applauding the two young boys from my story.  They were applauding the love that we had shared and that they all felt connected to.  Those two boys were no longer alone with their great secret but were loved by millions.

I smiled and waved and beckoned Austin to the stage.  He scooted out of his row and walked forward to join me.  He climbed the stairs and stood before me silently.  I reached out and touched his hand gently with my fingertips.  I watched as his chest rose and his breathing hitched as my fingertips glided over the skin of his palm.  He wrapped his hand around mine and grinned.  I watched as he bit his lip and a single tear slid down his cheek. 

“It’s really you,” I said as I stepped forward and hugged him.

“It’s really me,” he said as he squeezed me tighter than anyone ever had before.  The entire audience went wild.  It was as if someone had just scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl. 

I pulled away and turned to the audience.  “Everyone, this is Austin.  From the book you know him as Brian.”  I gripped his hand and held it high in the air like a champion and all I could do was laugh at the insanity of it all.  When the noise died down I turned to him and said, “Wait for me after ok?”  He nodded his head and went back out to his seat.  Several audience members clapped him on the back or gave him high fives.  The whole rest of the appearance went by in a surreal blur.  I couldn’t focus but I think the audience gave me a pass considering.

***

“Let’s go for coffee,” Austin said when my performance was finished.  “I know a place not far from here that’s open all night.”

“I made my publicist find your address you know.”

“You did?”

“I was going to come and find you,” I said as I grabbed his hand pulling him to face me. 

“Do you even want to go for coffee?” he asked.

“No.” I said as I stepped forward.  “It’s been so long.”

“Too long,” he said as he slid his fingers between mine.  “Come with me.”

His hand felt natural and warm in mine.  I’d have followed him anywhere so long as he’d continue to hold my hand.  It didn’t take long to get to his place.  It was small but well furnished.

“It isn’t much, I know,” he said as he ushered me inside.  He took my coat and hung it on a coat rack as I began to look around. 

“Did you finish school?” I asked.

“I did.  My residency ended last year, I’m a full-fledged surgeon now.  Honestly, being a surgeon is almost easier than being a resident.  You have no idea…so many hours, so little sleep.  I mean there was this one time where I’d been up for two days straight…” he said as he fidgeted and moved around the room nervously. 

“Stop,” I said as I walked to him and placed my hands to his face.  I cupped his jaw and looked into his eyes as my fingers travelled the distance to his lips.  I slid my thumb over his bottom lip and smiled when his chest heaved at my gentle touch.  I moved my free hand to the back of his neck and pulled him to me.  The kiss was light and sweet.  His mouth opened and invited my tongue inside.  It felt exhilarating to be kissing him again.  My entire body felt like it was on fire as his hand snaked around my body to the small of my back pulling me against him. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” I breathed in the span of time between our hungry kisses. 

“I’ve thought about you every day,” he replied as he pulled the hem of my shirt free from my trousers.  Gingerly he worked the buttons and slid it from my shoulders.  He released it and let it drift to the floor in a heap.  I took his lead and tugged his shirt off over his head.

“Wait,” I said when he reached for my pants.  “I want to go first.”

He watched me for a moment and then nodded his agreement.  My hands were shaking as I worked the button on his jeans.  I gripped the zipper and pulled it down slowly and then pushed his pants off of his slim hips.  His boxer briefs fell with them leaving him standing nude before me.  He had small tufts of dark chest hair that he hadn’t had when we’d been together last, and his form had filled out and was more athletically muscular.  He had grown into himself in the time we’d been apart.

I stepped back from him and took it all in.  “Have you...” I started to ask.

“Just one,” he said.  “You?”

“No.” I said quietly. 

“Good,” he said as he stepped forward and took my hand.  He pulled it towards his body and placed it on his backside.  His ass felt soft but firm and I couldn’t help but laugh.  “Now you’re going to laugh?” he said teasing me.

“I just can’t believe I’m touching you, I can’t believe any of this, it’s just so…I never imagined I’d be with you again.  I can’t help it.  I wanted to call you so many times.”

“Shhh…it’s ok,” he said as he pushed my trousers down to my ankles. “Step out,” he said with a smile as he pushed me back towards the bed.  I could feel his entire body against mine.  His warm skin, the soft hair or his chest, thighs, and groin, the stubble of his chin against my cheek.  I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, his hot exhaled breath on my ear, and his hard cock as it pressed against my leg.  “Don’t be nervous,” he said as he pushed me down on the mattress. 

I gulped and closed my eyes as he kissed down my body.  Wet kisses that left wet marks upon my chest and abdomen as he went lower and lower.  When he gripped my cock and began to suck I couldn’t stop my sharp inhalation of breath as I arched my back in pleasure.  He began with a long slow pressure that built as my enthusiasm grew.  Within minutes he had me gripping the headboard, and another minute later I was moaning and begging him to stop.  But he didn’t stop, he sucked harder as he worked along the underside of my shaft and teased my slit with his devilish tongue.  I couldn’t take it any longer, I fisted my hand in his hair and thrust up to meet each of his movements.  When I could manage a breath I gasped that he needed to stop or that I would finish.  I didn’t want to finish.  I wanted more.  I wanted him in ways I’d never wanted anyone before and if he made me cum now I would have to wait.  “No, stop!” I said more firmly in a moment of clarity.  My chest heaved as I worked to catch my breath.  Austin looked up at me from between my thighs and smiled. 

“As you wish,” he said as he climbed up my body. 

“I don’t want to finish yet.”

“We could always go again later,” he said as I took in the red flush across his cheeks.

“Just lay here with me for a moment while I come back down.”

“Ok,” he said as he rolled over to the side and laid his head on my chest.  I reached across my body and played with my fingers.  He worked them into a teepee shape where each of my fingertips met his.  “This is how it always should have been,” he said as he planted a light kiss on my chest.  “I never should have left.”

“Yes you should have, but I should have come to follow you.  I let myself get sucked into everything that was going on at home and I forgot that I also needed to live my own life.

“How did you become an author anyway?” he asked with a light laugh.

“I hadn’t planned on it really.  I just started writing one evening.  I had missed you for so long and I had no one to talk to or discuss it with so I put it all down on the page.  It wasn’t for anyone but myself, but then I realized that there could be other kids out there that had been just like us.  Stuck in tiny close-minded towns like ours, and I sent the manuscript to publishers just to see.  I didn’t expect anything.  Well, actually, I expected a bunch of rejection letters, but here I am.”

“Here you are,” he said as he released my hand and pushed on my hip.  He pushed me until I was on my side, my back against his chest.  His hands traipsed up my thighs and along my side as he started to kiss my neck.  A full shiver ran down my body from the tender touch.  I could feel his hardness pressing against my backside and I knew what was coming next.  I had always thought I would be afraid, but I wasn’t, not with Austin.  “Are you ready,” he breathed as he kissed down to my shoulder.

“Yes,” I answered as I reached behind me and pulled him closer.  I nuzzled my ass back against his cock and begged him for more.  He reached back behind himself and pulled open the nightstand drawer.  He withdrew a small tube of lube.  He squirted a small amount into his hand and then spread it across his cock.  He gripped himself and pressed between my cheeks.  Seconds later I felt his tip against my asshole.

“Is this still ok?” he asked as he began to push lightly.  I simply nodded and he began to thrust.  The movements were small and gentle.  He was hardly pressing forward at all, but small thrust after small thrust and I could feel myself opening up to him.  I could feel him as he began to slip inside of me and it was like the gates of heaven were opening.  It had been so long, so many years. 

I felt a small pop when I had taken his entire head.  It was slightly painful but nothing like I had imagined and I only wanted more.  I started to press back against him each time he would thrust forward and together we worked out a rhythm.  I wrapped my arm back over his body and held his ass as he pushed deeper and deeper into me.  It didn’t take long for him to fully seat himself. 

I felt closer to Austin than I had to anyone ever and I wondered how anyone ever could have thought that the love we shared was ugly.  It felt beautiful as he moved within me.  I closed my eyes as he wrapped his body around mine and worked himself inside of me.  We moved together as if we were two pieces of the same piston and before long we were breathing and moaning as one.  His entire body enveloped mine and as time wore on I began to feel as if I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. 

“Harder,” I heard myself saying.

“Ok,” he said as he thrust deeper.  We sped up and what had started as soft lovemaking turned into passionate fucking.  We twisted together until I was on all fours and he was on his knees behind me.  I braced myself on the headboard and held myself steady as he pounded me harder and harder.  Together we cried out as his body slammed against mine.  When it came to the end he leaned forward over top of my body and reached around to grip my dick.  He continued to thrust as his hand slid up and down my length. 

I felt his cock grow slightly larger inside of me and I knew he was going to fill me soon.  I could feel my own orgasm rising as my balls tightened against my body.

“I’m going to…” I began but couldn’t finish.  He gripped me harder and worked me in time with his hard thrusts.  Two…three thrusts and then his whole body tensed and he shuddered as he came inside of me.  His hand gripped me hard and I couldn’t stop my own orgasm as my cum began to spray the sheets.  I was amazed when I realized I could actually feel him spurting inside of me.  I felt his cock twitch with each new release, and I could feel him coating my walls.  It felt like a gift after everything we had been through.  I was 19 when we’d parted and now, finally, 9 years later I was finally getting what we should have had all along.

When he’d finished he released me and rolled to the side.  It felt strange and unusual as he slid from my ass but then I cuddled up beside him and I felt at peace.  I sat up on my elbow and looked down at his tired face.  “Don’t ever leave me again.  Even if I tell you to.”

“Never,” he said as he cupped my face in his palm. “Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Don’t say that.  You needed to go, you needed to become who you are.  A doctor.”

“I needed to become that with you,” he said as he caressed my cheek.  “Never again,” he said as he pulled me down to kiss him.  “Never.”

Thanks for reading!

Thank you for reading Prescription for Love. I hope you enjoyed it!

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