Only For You

Part 2

By Chad Lane

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Table of Contents

Only For You

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 1

With the sound of a bang, my eyes fluttered open to see the stream of early morning light dancing through the window. I wondered where the noise that woke me had come from, but, as soon as I heard the chorus of voices saying goodbye I knew it must be my neighbor leaving for the semester break.

It was finals week for the rest of us, but a lucky few had finished early and were slowly making their way back home for Christmas break. When the arm around my waist tightened and drew me closer into the body behind me, I realized that I was probably one of the only people on campus glad that I was staying until the very last exam.

I felt Matt’s breathing deepen against my neck, and I struggled to hold back the shiver his closeness sent down my spine. The last few weeks had been magical; out in public we were our normal selves, but as soon as our dorm door shut we were on top of each other like animals. I had never felt such magnesium and attraction to another person before. If we were together, we were touching in some way - be it a soft brush against the arm or a passionate thrust in the middle of the night - any touch from Matt sent a wave of pleasure through my body.

I looked down at our bodies and felt the corners of my mouth tug into a smile. A month ago I never would have been able to imagine myself in this position. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have even been able to confess my desire for Matt. Yet, looking at us now: the way his legs tucked right behind mine and led down to feet woven together in their own embrace, the way his arm draped around me, almost clutched at my waist, forcing me up against him as if to remind me how intimate we had become, the feel of his chest moving against my back as he inhaled, and the tickle of each exhale across the nape of my neck - I couldn’t imagine happiness in any other form.

As I heard the continued parade of students leaving for the semester, it hit me for the first time that the break meant a month without this type of embrace. I hadn’t slept alone in three weeks, and the thought of sleeping in an empty bed for a month made my heart sink into my stomach.

I had discovered a different side to Matt these last few weeks. He had always been kind - that was one of the qualities that drew me to him in the first place - but in the intimate turn of our new relationship I began to see a new tenderness to him that I hadn’t experienced before. Our lovemaking had been passionate and raw thus far, and I had come far in my understanding of sex, but it was the moments after that took me by surprise. I had expected sex to be incredible, and it was, but the moments following - the moments after the temporary bliss had faded - were often just as satisfying, if not more so. I saw Matt’s true feelings in those fleeting minutes between bliss and sleep. My stomach would flip when he would catch my lips between his as he collapsed into sleep. Even this simple display of affection sent shivers down my spine that rivaled the ecstasy of the preceding act.

As I was thinking, I felt Matt shift again drawing me out of my head. He seemed to be having a dream, and in his moving his face came in closer to me and his nose nuzzled in the crook of my neck. The noise in the hallway had finally died down; the sun was no longer peeking through the windows and I felt my eyes grow heavier again in the comfort of this new embrace. The ease of Matt’s rhythmic breathing was the last sound I heard as I drifted back to sleep.

Chapter 2

The next day I spent all afternoon at my desk making up for the lost time Matt and I had spent in bed the day before. I had a paper due as my final project for a philosophy class, and I was struggling to find an answer for the essay prompt: ‘What is the root of happiness and how important is it to a fulfilled life?’

Finding quotes and opinions from the philosophers we had studied throughout the semester had been easy, but our professor wanted more than just regurgitated quotes, she wanted some personal input, and I was struggling with the prospect of sharing my own thoughts and opinions alongside those of Plato and Socrates. In the midst of my struggle, the dorm door swung open and in walked a sweaty Matt carrying a cup of coffee.

“Still working on that paper?” He asked sympathetically, walking over to kiss me on the top of the head and set the coffee beside my books on the desk. I groaned in response. “I know it sucks, but you’re almost done. Plus, I stopped by the coffee shop after my run and grabbed you something. I figured you might need some fuel to finish up.”

He said the last part very casually as if shrugging it off, but as I took a sip I noticed he had gotten my favorite drink - something I’d never explicitly told him before. I wondered how he knew, how many small idiosyncrasies of mine he had picked up and whether they were conscious observations or just his hyperawareness to the needs of others. 

"This is perfect, thank you," I couldn't help but smile at the sweetness of the gesture. "I really need some sort of fuel. This essay is winning the battle right now."

"Oh, yeah?" He was gathering his shower supplies but still seeming to give me his full attention. "What's the topic?"

"Happiness."

"Happiness? That seems pretty easy to me. Just talk about flowers and bunnies and shit. Throw some quotes in on top of that and you'll be golden." He turned around and winked at me, and he was so cute I couldn't help but laugh.   

"Well you keep thinking about happiness and I'm going to take a shower and wash this sweat off me. You better have solved this problem when I get back."

With a kiss on my head, he exited the room. I took a few big gulps of the coffee, but it didn't seem to help much. I was in one of those writer's ruts that only seem to pop up around finals weeks. I decided to brainstorm things that make me happy, but I hadn't gotten more than a few ideas on the page before Matt came back clean and still dripping wet from the shower. Watching the droplets of water trace their way down his torso gave me a great deal of happiness, but I didn't think it was the type my philosophy professor would find suitable.

"So how's your research going? Find the key to happiness yet?"

"Right now I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy. I'm making a list, but that doesn't seem to be helping. It's easy to say that I'm happy, but explaining why is really difficult."

"Well, what's on your list so far?"

"Dogs, my mom's cooking, getting an A on a test - just dumb stuff. None of that really seems that important." I took a deep breath and leaned back in my chair. "I don't know, what makes you happy?"

He walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders before slowly sliding them down the front of my chest. "Well, this makes me happy. Does that count?" He began kissing my neck as he continued to rub my chest.

"So you're saying I make you happy?"

“Yeah, of course you do. Don’t I make you happy?”

“Of course, I’ve been so happy the past few weeks. I just didn’t even think about people as a way to happiness.”

“So what did you think it was that’s been making you happy the last few weeks?” Matt chuckled. “Just this?” He placed his fingers on my chin and pulled my lips in for a kiss.

“Well, that certainly has made me happy. But it’s more than just the kissing, I guess. I wouldn’t be this happy if it was anyone else.” We were only inches apart, and I felt the closeness both physically and in the way we were speaking. We had never talked about our emotions like this before.

“Damn straight you wouldn’t be,” Matt flashed me his famous lopsided smile and I felt my stomach practice its summersaults. “No one could take care of you like I do. It feels different because I want to make you happy - because I care about you.”

As he was speaking, his hands were working their way across my chest and down my torso. The combination of his words with the magic of his hands was just too much for me to handle. I kissed him and felt my lips tingle with the thrill of his touch. His lips parted for me with ease and tongues immediately found each other. They danced together as I drew us both up to a standing position and navigated him backward across the room.

I broke the kiss momentarily to catch my breath from the passionate embrace. I had just enough air to exhale the words, “I care about you more than you know,” into his mouth before pushing him down on the bed.

My paper would have to wait; I needed a break, and it was time to indulge in a bit of happiness.

Chapter 3

Later that evening, Matt and I were lying in bed watching television when we heard another round of students making the rounds about the hall to say goodbye for the semester.

"It seems like we're two of the last people left on the floor. Everyone has been leaving the past few days."

"Yeah," he murmured. "It’s crazy that the semester is already over. It flew by so quickly. I can't believe that I'll be home on Wednesday."

"Wait...Wednesday? As in two days from now?" I turned my head to look up at him. I realized we had never actually discussed when we would each be leaving. I had just assumed he would be staying until the end of the week like I was.

"Yeah, my last exam is that morning, so I'm driving home as soon as it's finished. My parents and I are leaving to go on a ski trip Thursday. I thought I told you that."

I felt my stomach churn at the thought of only having two more days left with him. "No, I don't think you did. I guess I just assumed we were leaving at the same time."

"Hey there," he said cupping my cheek. "You'll only be here for two days alone. That's not too bad. Plus, it'll be easier to finish your paper without me distracting you all day." He attempted to flash me his lopsided smile, but it wasn't helping me feel better this time.

"I like you distracting me though," I murmured in a voice I hoped didn't sound needy. "We're not going to get to see each other for a month. I just thought we had longer is all. I'm going to miss you."

He leaned in and kissed me gently. "I'll miss you too. A ton. But a month really isn't that long. Plus we'll be with our families, and it’s Christmas time so there will be so many distractions you won't even have time to miss me much." He sounded so hopeful, and I wondered if he was really as comfortable with it as he seemed.

"Promise you won't forget about me?" I asked.

"How could I ever forget about you and that magical gift you've got hidden down there?" He smiled and winked. "That will be the package I'll really want to open all Christmas long."

"I'm starting to think you only want me for my body," I said jokingly.

"Nah, the hot body's just the added bonus. Plus I put a lot of hard work into getting you into this shape - I'm sure as hell going to enjoy the end product!" We both laughed at that, and I felt my fears melting away. "Anyways, speaking of Christmas and presents and all that, I got you a little something for the holidays."

He leaned over to his bedside table and pulled out a small box from the top drawer. It was gift wrapped so perfectly I knew he must have asked the store to make it look nice. It looked so beautiful I felt bad tearing it open, but I was excited to see what he picked out. I carefully unwrapped it and opened the lid to find a handsome leather watch.

"It's nothing too exciting," he said almost nervously. "You just always have your day scheduled so well between all your classes and study sessions that I figured a watch might help you keep on track. And I thought the leather would look good on you."

It was beautiful. I had never owned a watch before, but this was a semester of transitioning into adulthood and grown men wore watches. I took it out of the box to examine it closer and was amazed by how detailed it was. Instantly I felt bad for not even thinking of getting Matt a Christmas gift. He had spent so much time training me this semester, and I hadn't even thought about the holiday and what it usually entailed.

"It's incredible Matt. Really, I couldn't have asked for anything better. I feel so shitty though that I didn't get you anything. I guess I've been so caught up in finals that I didn't think about it."

"Hey, stop. I didn't give it to you because I wanted a gift as well. I just saw it in the store the other day and thought of you. It caught my eye, and I couldn't help thinking about how good you would look with it and one of your button-down shirts with the sleeves rolled up. See, it's actually more of a gift for me to enjoy."

The way he attempted to minimize his kindness always made me smile. I leaned in and gave him a deep thank you kiss. I would have to be sure to wear the watch with a button down now that I knew the image turned him on.

Chapter 4

After Matt left, I quickly finished my philosophy paper without any of his sexual distractions. I focused on how happiness can often come from other people and the ways that we can control that by choosing to both accept love and nurture it. Though I feared going into too much personal detail, I recounted my difficult choice to accept love in the face of adversity and how I had never been happier since making that decision. After finishing the paper, time dragged by; being alone on an empty campus made me realize just how right I had been with the assertion that other people bring about happiness.

When I got home, however, the time seemed to fly by. Between visiting with extended family and catching up with my parents, I was constantly occupied. Because of that and the fact that Matt was spending the beginning of break on a ski trip up north, we didn't have much time to text each other. While this was a huge shift from our constant interaction in the weeks prior, it didn't bother me at first. Perhaps it was because I was so preoccupied myself, or maybe it was because he was with his parents, but I felt extremely at ease with our relationship and confident in its fortitude.

Even though I wasn't speaking to Matt, he still remained a frequent topic of conversation. It seemed as though everyone asked about my roommate right off the bat, and each person had a story of their own roommate history. Most seemed pleasantly surprised to find out that we got along well - though none knew exactly how well.

My parents, in particular, seemed especially intrigued by my athletic, macho roommate and his impact on me. I had told them about my new affinity for exercise when Matt and I first began our "lessons," but it seemed as if they didn't believe me until they saw the muscles with their own eyes. My slightly over-protective mother just couldn't stop asking about the mysterious roommate who had such an effect on me.

I couldn't blame her for her curiosity. It must have appeared as insane to others: the boy who was homeschooled throughout high school because he was bullied by jocks, now "best friends" with a former rugby player and an active member of the campus gym. To the outside eye it must have seemed as if I became what I hated, but they didn't understand the truth: I had found someone who both made me exceptionally happy and inspired me to be a more open and rounded individual.

My mom’s curiosity hit an all-time high on Christmas Eve. She and I were in the kitchen baking our traditional holiday cookies while my dad napped in the living room having fallen asleep listening to one of his liberal talk radio shows. My family had never been religious, but we had always celebrated Christmas traditions such as baking festive cookies and preparing a large family meal - though it was always just the three of us. For as long as I could remember I had helped my mom make the cookies on Christmas Eve, and it was nice to continue the tradition again this year. Our family had always been exceptionally close, but my mom and I grew even closer when she began to homeschool me.

Matt had finally gotten back from his family ski vacation, and we had been texting throughout the day and as I was pulling out the first batch of chocolate chip cookies I heard my phone buzz to let me know he had responded. The phone was sitting on the counter next to my mom, and I saw her glance down when it sounded. I quickly grabbed it hoping she didn’t see the message, especially after reading it myself:

‘I’m about to have dinner before going to church, but I’d much rather be kissing those sexy lips of yours.’

I saw her watching me read it out of the corner of her eye, but I couldn’t stop myself from blushing and smiling at his words.

“So, when am I going to meet this Matt of yours?” my mom spoke without looking up from the cookie sheet she was working on.

“I don’t know. I guess whenever you visit me next. Why do you want to meet him?”

“Well, he is your roommate. I would like to know a bit about the person my only son is living with. And he seems to be a really important person in your life. You obviously care about him a lot.”

I felt the color rushing back up my neck and to my cheeks, “What do you mean?”

“Sweetie, I see the way you smile when the two of you text, and when you talk about him your entire face lights up. I’ve been around the block a few times, and I’ve seen that smile before.”

It was at that point that she glanced up at me. I wish she hadn’t because my face was glowing bright red and her eyes on me made the lump in my throat rise even higher. I felt that horrible, almost childlike guilt in the pit of my stomach as if I had done something wrong and my parents had just found out. I must have looked as terrified as I felt because her expression quickly fell into a look of concern.

“Oh, sweetie, it's ok. What I meant to say was that your father and I haven’t seen you this happy in a very, very long time and nothing has made us more excited these last couple of weeks than seeing you like this. We love you totally and unconditionally, and all we ever want is for you to be as happy as possible. It has been incredible seeing the way you have grown up since you left in August. All I meant was that I would love to meet the person who has affected you like this because he must be a lovely person.”

The bright red of my face had faded to a light pink, but I had to look down because I didn’t want her to see the tears that were brimming in my eyes. Without hearing her walk over, I felt her arms at once around me engulfing me in a hug. Feeling much more childlike than I had an hour before, I buried my face into her shoulder and allowed her to rub my back the way she had when I was a boy. I always knew my parents loved and cared for me greatly, but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized just how lucky I was to feel completely and totally safe with them.

Chapter 5

That night I laid in bed thinking about the events of the day. I couldn’t believe I had all but come out to my mother. Even three months ago the idea of being in a relationship with Matt, let alone coming out, would have been inconceivable. I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said about the way I smiled when we texted, about the way my face lit up when I spoke of him. I could tell you from the start that being with Matt made me happier than I ever believed possible, but to hear it from someone else validated my feelings.

For the first time, I thought of the word ‘love’. The word had always scared me; people use it constantly, but no one ever really explains what they mean by it. People sing songs, write poetry and novels, dedicate whole movies to the concept but no one ever actually tells you what it feels like. They try, but I think the entire idea is impossible to comprehend before you meet that one person who makes it seem real. It’s not that I had never believed in it before, it’s that, I didn’t really know what there was to believe in.

But, thinking about it now - thinking about the way we could lay in bed together all day doing absolutely nothing, saying next to nothing yet being perfectly content made me think, for the first time, of using that word. It wasn’t that our actions perfectly checked off whatever box it was to make it qualify for those three words. More than anything, it was that I just couldn’t think of a better word to describe the feelings I was having.

Lying in bed now alone made me realize how dependent I had become on him being there. Being apart made me realize that any activity was better with him - was made better by him. It wasn’t that I needed him; it was that I wanted him constantly and ferociously. Even going to pick up food or running errands was made exciting if he was there.

Even more than that, there was a feeling I never had with him; it would stir up inside of me at even the thought of him. It was this unique sort of protectiveness - not that he needed protecting - but I wanted to be there just in case. It was the feeling of wanting to bring him chicken soup when he got sick or massage his back after a difficult workout. It was the desire to care for him and to take care of him. Of everything, this probably surprised me the most. I had never had close friends, at least not in my teenage years. Even when I did, I had never been particularly caring - it just didn’t cross my mind. I was never the one to go out of my way to help or care for someone. Of course I was sympathetic, but it always seemed like a distance existed, but that distance seemed to evaporate around Matt.

I wondered what he thought about all of this: if he felt the same if this was all just as new for him as it was for me. For how intimate we had become, we really hadn’t shared those details. I knew about his past relationships and the girls he had been with at school, but nothing about his feeling or his thoughts on love and marriage and romantic comedies. At this moment, all of that seems vitally important. I wanted to know as much as I could about him. I decided when I got back I would ask him more and try to get to know that side of him better.

It was difficult though. We had never talked about what we were, what we meant to each other, what our relationship status was. I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else - there was no way that either of us would have time for that with how much of our days we spent together in the room. We had kept our relationship to the confines of our bedroom. As soon as we stepped out into the real world again, we were back to being roommates. Close roommates, sure, but nothing more.

The more I thought about that, the more it bothered me. Girls would come up and flirt with him wherever we went, and even though I knew he would turn them down it still gave me the insecure feeling that I didn’t know what I really meant to him either. Obviously I knew that he enjoyed our time together and that he cared about me, but I decided that, going back to school, I needed to know what he wanted, what he felt about the future and if he saw me in his. Because, I was becoming increasingly aware that thoughts about my future now included him.

**

As I lay in bed, I felt distinctly alone. Maybe it was because I had become so used to having his body next to mine, but my queen sized bed felt gigantic around me. I missed having his arms wrapped around my waist, having his fingers trace the contours of my body, I missed kissing him and feeling him against me. There’s something inherently relaxing about having another body pressed up against your own; it makes you feel less alone and, somehow, more human yourself.

When I thought about it though, I didn’t want just anybody pressed up against mine - I wanted his. I craved the way his legs seemed to intertwine perfectly in my own, the way his chest seemed almost molded to fit the curves of my back. I felt like something was missing when he wasn’t in my bed.

I thought about texting him and asking what he felt at that moment. It was in that late period of the night where emotions are most heightened, and I still felt slightly high from the conversation with my mom earlier that day. I grabbed my phone, opened it up and typed in the words “I love you,” but before I could hit send my finger paused hovering over the key.

I was scared.

I had never been the one to express emotion, I had never been the one to care, and that scared me. It was that same childlike fear I had experienced with my mom; I didn’t feel old enough to even speak the word ‘love,’ and I worried what he might say if he didn’t feel the same. I looked at the screen, reading the words over and over again wondering how three little words could deliver such an impact - could cause such a dilemma. They were just three words, but they seemed like such a commitment. Maybe I wasn’t quite ready to make that commitment because, without thinking, my finger pressed the back button and erased what I had written.  I thought about our relationship thus far - I think I did love him - but it wasn’t quite the time to say so. Instead, I typed out the more acceptable, ‘I want to feel you inside of me,’ hit send and rolled over to sleep.

Chapter 6

The next two weeks flew by and soon enough it was time to move back into the dorms. I was the first of us to get back to the room. As I waited for him to arrive, I unpacked my clothes - freshly clean for the semester- and reorganized my desk. He texted me saying he would be there around 4, so I had another hour to waste. I was getting that anxious, butterfly feeling in my stomach. Even though we were so close and I cared about him so dearly, there was still that timidness that came with not knowing exactly what he felt, there was still the anticipation of him. More than anything, however, there was the excitement that within an hour I would be able to kiss him again, to touch him, to run my hands down his cheeks and feel the stubble on his jaw. I just wanted him.

Four o’clock came soon enough and, almost on the dot, I heard his key enter the door and the handle jiggle. As he opened the door, I sat up in bed. He walked in and immediately gave me that grin of his that made my stomach even higher. Throwing down his bag, he walked over to me.

“Well, aren’t you going to get out of bed and say hi to me?” He asked chuckling.

I jumped out of bed and walked over and wrapped my arms around him. I leaned in for a kiss capturing his lips with mine. They tasted just like they had before we left, and I remembered just how much I enjoyed his flavor. I ran my hands up his chest and over his face just like I had imagined, but there was something stiff in his kiss and the way he was holding himself. He seemed tense like he couldn’t relax into me.

He was the first to pull away, and I noticed that he looked down to the ground in a way that almost seemed ashamed. Something about his reservation made my heart race and my palms sweat. There was a pause, and neither of us spoke.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked growing more concerned.

“Nothing...nothing,” he assured me, but I heard something catch in his voice. “I’m just ready to be back here, ya know? I’m glad that I’m back from home. I missed you...so, I’m glad to be back with you too.”

I laughed, but I still felt something was there that needed to be addressed. We looked at each other for what felt like a minute or two before he broke out into a smile and relaxed the tension.

“So how was your break?” He asked.

“It was good. I spent most of the time with my family and relaxed. What about you? How was yours?”

“Mine was good. The ski trip was awesome. I got to see some old family friends and friends that I grew up with. I hung out with a bunch of high school friends. My football team had a big party for everyone who was home. It was just good seeing them all again and retelling all the best stories and old jokes, you know?”

I didn’t really know what he meant. I hadn’t had friends in high school that I could go see and reminisce with. The only people I spent any real time with in those years was my family. I knew we had different high school experiences, but it struck me then just how different they really were. Going home for him meant becoming the person he was in high school all over again, and I would never be able to understand what that was like.

“Yeah, I’m ready for the semester to start so everything can get back to normal. I missed you too. I missed you a lot.”

He smiled and looked up at me, “Yeah? Like, how much?” As he spoke, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me forward into him.

“A lot,” I whispered.

“Oh yeah? This much?” With that he leaned in and kissed me, but pulled away before I could respond.

“Not quite,” I sighed into him. “More like this.” I broke the space between our lips and kissed him deeply. He quickly parted my lips and our tongues collided in passion. His right arm still wrapped firmly around my waist pulled me in closer as his left crept up and started undoing the buttons of my shirt.

He broke the kiss for a moment, looked me in the eye and smiled, “You know, I thought about you a lot over break. I just want you to know that.”

I couldn’t help but smile as well. That simple sentence seemed to ease my previous fears and with that I grabbed him, drew him back to me and guided us over to the bed.  When we reached the edge, I pushed him back on it. He looked a little surprised - he was usually the one to take control, but there was something different about today, and I wanted him to know my desires.

I was totally and utterly hungry for him. He had already unbuttoned my shirt, so I slipped it off my shoulders and threw it on the floor. In one fluid motion, I was on top of him kissing him with a passion that surprised even myself. It was like I couldn’t get enough, the more we kissed, the more I felt my need grow. It was as if in those moments I had to show him everything I had felt over break and how deep that affection had grown.

He was responding with the same ferociousness. We pulled off his shirt and lips slowly trailed their way down to his neck. He had a place right below his ear that drove him crazy and elicited a deep moan whenever my lips made contact. I grazed my lips over the top and, as if on cue, the most intoxicating moan tore out of his throat. Hearing it now made me realize just how deeply I had missed it the last month.

Chapter 7

His fingertips danced across the curve of my back as we lay in bed talking and kissing that evening. There was something inherently sweet about his desire to always rub my back if we were shirtless in bed, and I loved the fact that he couldn’t seem to get enough of touching my skin. It was moments like these that made me sure that I loved him; lying together just chatting and enjoying each other’s company was something that I couldn’t imagine doing with anyone else. I decided now was the time to talk to him about us and what he felt for me.

"Could I ask you something?” I felt those nervous butterflies flutter back into my stomach.

Matt must have sensed the nervousness in my tone because it was with sincerity and concern that he responded, “Yeah, of course. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, just - over break I was thinking a lot...about you and me...and I just don’t really know what we’re doing.”

His brow furrowed in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s like we have two totally different relationships: the one outside this room and the one in here. I guess I just have a hard time figuring out what you’re really feeling when we act so different with each other depending on the context.”

“I hope you know that I care about you - deeply. I have fun with you, and I want to keep doing that.”

“I want to keep doing that too, but I wish we didn’t have to end our relationship when we got out into public.”

“Are you saying you want to be openly gay?” He seemed taken aback by the suggestion.

“I want to be able to act normally with you in public and not have to pretend like we didn’t just have sex. I don’t care if people know that.”

“Well, I do.”

Those three words felt like a punch to the chest. It was as if he just stated he wanted nothing to do with me in the light of day. I felt my heart sink and tried not to visibly show my anger.

“Look, Dave, I don’t think you understand. This isn’t about you or me, okay? My parents are super conservative, and they would disown me if they found out. They expect me to settle down and get married to one of the nice girls I grew up with and have two perfect kids in a perfect house with the perfect dog. It would kill them if they found out about us, and I just can’t risk that.”

“What about you? Don’t they care about what makes you happy?”

“Dave, it’s not that simple. They think they know what actually would make me happy, and it’s that perfect little American life that they have. They can’t see beyond their little bubble to even consider that I may not fit into that ideal.”

“So, you’re just going to let them decide what makes you happy?” I scooted over to the opposite side of the bed so I could face him as we talked.

“They’re my parents, Dave, what do you want me to do? Let them disown me and lose them forever?” Both of our tempers had begun to flare.

“I don’t know. I just don’t think you should let them control your life.”

“They’re my family, and I love them even if they’re ignorant, and I don’t want to hurt them. Plus, it’s my future on the line. If they disown me, then I lose everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“My dad owns a couple companies that do construction and manufacturing stuff. He and I talked over break, and he promised me a management position at one of them when I graduate. That’s a big deal for me.”

“Wait, so is this about some job?” I was becoming angrier by the minute. I felt like he was breaking up with me.

“No! You’re not listening to me. This isn’t just about the job; it’s about my family and all the people I love back home. I’ve had my future imagined and planned for me for as long as I can remember, and you’re acting like throwing that all away is the easiest thing in the world. I don’t want - hell, I don’t know - how to do anything else. I’ve known since I was a boy that I would grow up and take over one of the businesses, and I like that idea. I still want to have that future.”

He paused and took a deep breath. He was looking at me with pleading eyes. “Dave, I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone. I love coming back to the dorm and finding you and getting to be with you. I want to continue that, but I’m still a bit scared of it. And I’m definitely still trying to figure out what it means. I just don’t think I’m ready to be like this in public yet. I’m so sorry if that upsets you - that’s not what I want at all. I just can’t let my family find out just yet.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was still deeply angry in a way that seemed more defensive than rational. I felt both total rejection and that horrible humiliation that comes with it. I knew I needed to leave before I risked becoming too emotional, so I jumped out of bed, pulled on my pants and a shirt and left before either of us could say another word.

Chapter 8

I found myself walking around campus thinking about the conversation we had just had and trying to figure out what it meant to me. I understood that I had been rash, but I couldn’t help but feel rejected. I was so ready to love him, to be with him publicly, that it came as a deep and personal shock when he didn’t feel the same. I realized there were influences outside of his control at play, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

Maybe I couldn’t understand because my mom had been so loving, but I just couldn’t imagine a world in which I let my parents determine my happiness while I sat back and went along for the ride. I didn’t even care if his parents knew, but I wanted to claim him publicly, and he wanted to keep me private. There was something deeply embarrassing about that divide. I didn’t want to be his dirty secret. I didn’t want to be the person he snuck home to. I wanted to be the one others saw him with holding hands as we walked around campus, but I realized that was just my own dilution of a perfect world.

I had been walking without really knowing where I was going, and I suddenly found myself on the quad. There were tents up everywhere and students mingling around. As I made my way through the lines of booths, I realized it was an activity fair. Organizations like the student radio station were passing out free goodies trying to attract new members. I glanced up ahead and saw a rainbow flag and subconsciously began to make my way toward it. There was a large group gathered around passing out flyers and stickers for the campus LGBT advocacy group.

Out of nowhere this attractive blonde boy in a rainbow tank top came up beside me and introduced himself, “Hey, my name is Josh, and I’m outreach director for Queers and Allies here on campus. Have you heard about us before?”

“Hey, I’m David,” I said as we shook hands. “I’ve heard the name, but not much other than that.”

He began telling me about what they worked on as a group and the events they hosted for the community. We chatted for a few minutes, and he asked me if I would like more information about their next meeting. I hesitated for a moment, not sure whether I was ready to join an advocacy group, but I figured with everything that had happened today I might as well give it a try.

He sensed my hesitation and seemed to understand that I was new to this. He went back to the booth and grabbed the flyer. I saw him writing something down on it as he walked back over to me.

“I wrote down my number on there just in case you wanted to chat about anything or hear more about us. I’m free to grab coffee whenever you want, so text me if you need anything.”

I didn’t know what to say. He was so kind and caring, and I had no one to talk to. I had no other friends on campus, so without thinking I blurted out, “Would there be any way you could grab a coffee, like today? I would love to talk more.”

He smiled and nodded, “Yeah, let me check to see how long my shift lasts.” He went over to the sign-in table and checked some piece of paper before talking to the girl behind the table. Walking back over he smiled and said, “I guess it’s your lucky day, it’s time for my break! We could head over to the coffee shop now if you’re free?”

“Oh. I didn’t mean to pull you away from this. I’m sure they could use you here.”

“No, no,” he assured me. “This is one of the biggest outreach events of the year, so we always have extra sign ups. If anything, we’ve been overloaded today. So there’s a great coffee shop around the corner if you’d want to go there?” He motioned across the quad.

“Yeah! Let’s head over.”

We walked across the quad making small talk and commenting on the different booths and organizations. It only took a few minutes to get there and when we did he told me to find us a table as he got our drinks. I was still slightly out of my wits, and I think he could tell. I watched him order and was amazed by how friendly he was. He joked with the barista as she made our drinks, and it was nice to see the way he made her laugh; he obviously cared about other people.

He smiled as he made his way to our table, “Here is yours. Be careful, it’s a little hot, but Lucy makes the best espresso. You’ll like it.”

“Thank you. It is delicious.”

“So, what is it that’s got your brow all furrowed and sad?”

I was surprised by his forwardness and didn’t know what to say so I looked down at my coffee instead. He continued on, “Is it boy problems?”

“Yeah. I guess you could say that.”

“Hmm...and you’re kind of new to this thing aren’t you?”

“What thing?”

“You know, the whole being gay thing. You have that dear in the headlights look still. When you walked up to our booth, you didn’t look like you knew what to do. I understand, I was that way when I was first coming out. I didn’t come out until around this time my freshman year. I was just hiding and burying it the entire time.”

“Yeah, I guess it was just something I never thought about. I just assumed that never really finding girls that attractive was just because of my lack of experience and being shy, but I guess I was a little wrong.” I laughed for the first time that afternoon.

“So, what’s his name?” Josh asked, running his finger along the brim of his coffee cup.

“Matt.”

“And Matt is your...boyfriend?”

“I don’t know if you would call him that exactly.”

“Well, what would you call him?”

“My roommate.”

“Ah. Now I see. So are you and Matt an item?”

I looked down at my coffee cup again, “We’ve been seeing each other, I guess, since before break. It just happened one night, and then it just kept happening. I don’t really know what he wants though.”

“Is he ‘straight’?”

“No. Well, I guess he is to his family. He doesn’t want to be public about our relationship. I don’t know, maybe it’s dumb, but I wish we could be together - really together. Not just in our dorm room.”

“So, he’s still pretty deep in the closet? I have a little experience on both sides of this situation. I can tell you that I understand. It’s really hard dating someone who is still in the closet, especially if you’ve already come out of yours. Everyone has that journey they need to take, and everyone has their own backgrounds that factor in. The best thing you can do is be there to support him. My family is really conservative, and my first boyfriend always insisted that I should come out because I was ‘living a lie,’ but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t the right time for me, and I wasn’t ready for that battle. Eventually we broke up, partly because of it. The worst thing was not having him support me. I knew my family was never going to get it, but I hoped he would. In the end, he just made it as hard as they did by trying to force me out of the closet. You can’t push people out, ya know? It’s not fair.”

I took a deep breath. He was right, and I knew it, I was just still hurt. “I know what you mean. It just feels really shitty when he doesn’t want to be with my publicly. I feel like he doesn’t want me at all.”

“I get that, but obviously he cares about you. It sounds like you’re caught up on the label when you have the boy.”

I hadn’t been fair to Matt, and I felt guilty. Just because my parents had been accepting, I expected his to be as well.

“Hey, my break is almost over so I should probably head back, but I had a really great time talking to you. Seriously, text me because we should hang out more. Plus, I think you would enjoy some of our meetings. That was one of the best things for me when I had just come out; finding people with similar problems and experiences helps so much. We have next a meeting on Tuesday; you should come.”

“Yeah, I think I would really like that.” I smiled at the idea of having a friend of my own. “And thanks so much for everything. Talking really helped and this coffee was awesome.”

“No problem, you can buy next time we hang out,” he winked. “You have a good day, and don’t forget to kiss that hot boy of yours when you get home.”

Chapter 9

When I walked back into the room, I saw that Matt hadn't left the position he was in when I left. He was watching football on our small television, but turned his attention to me as I walked in.

"Hey," I tried to smile but it felt sheepish.

"Hey," he flashed me back his lopsided grin. "How was your walk?"

"Good, there was an activity fair on the quad, so I checked out a few booths." I moved to sit on the edge of my bed across the room from him.

"Oh yeah? Find any that looked interesting?"

"Yeah, actually, there was an LGBT group that seemed cool. I met one of the members, and we talked for a while."

Matt nodded, but I couldn't tell what he thought about the news.

"Hey, look, I know I overreacted earlier. I got freaked out because I felt rejected or like you were trying to hide me. But I get it, I really do. Figuring out who you are is hard, and I don't want to be the one to make it any harder on you. We just have totally different family relationships, and I had a hard time realizing that. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I care about you and I want to be with you however you feel most comfortable."

"Come over here," he motioned for me to join him on his bed. "I understand. And please know that I never meant to make you feel rejected. When I say I'm not ready to be with you in public that has nothing to do with you. I'm still just unsure and scared, and I have to be careful about who sees what. I care about you so deeply and I don't want to end this, but I don't know if I am going to be able to be public anytime soon and it's only fair that you know that."

Hearing him say that sent a twinge of sadness through my chest, but I understood the options and knew that, even with a private relationship, I still wanted him above all. Like Josh had said, I was getting caught up on the labels when I already had the guy of my dreams. I crawled into bed with Matt, cuddled up against him and kissed him in response.

The next few days came and went without many events. The semester began on Monday, and there was the usual universal struggle to get back into the swing of classes. Matt and I picked back up where we had left off at the gym, now working out as partners mutually pushing each other. I had continued to workout over break and was finally seeing the reward for all my efforts the past few months. During my time at home, my mom had taken me out to buy all new shirts to fit my new body. I was proud of the fact that Matt had noticed how much I continued to fill out as soon as I undressed.

I continued to talk to Josh those few days as well. He and I hit it off more and more as we texted about sexuality and politics and the upcoming year for the advocacy group. Matt wasn't used to seeing me text anyone else, so he had quite a few questions about this new friend. I left out the part where Josh and I had bonded over the discussion of mine and Matt's fight and focused instead on the how friendly he was and his work with the group. The more I told him about Josh though, the more skeptical he seemed to become. It seemed slightly like jealousy at times, and I enjoyed that display of defensiveness towards my attention though I would never admit that to him.

The evening of the first meeting came, and I was excited for the first time about some sort of group social interaction. I arrived at the designated classroom and was swiftly greeted by Josh, who had apparently been waiting for me. He walked me around the room introducing me to various members of all genders and sexual orientations. Though I admittedly had a minimal knowledge of the LGBT community, I was amazed by the diversity and acceptance among all the people there.

The meeting itself was fairly boring. For the most part, it was planning for an event coming up in two weeks: Gay Prom. Thought the logistical parts were less than exciting, it was so nice meeting everyone and being part of a group that obviously cared so deeply for each other. Afterward, Josh walked over and found me.

"So, what did you think? Pretty great group of people right?"

"Yeah, they really are," I smiled. "It was awesome getting to meet everyone. Thank you so much for inviting me."

"Anytime. So how is that boyfriend situation working out?"

"It's much better," I replied. "We talked about everything, and you were right, I was focusing too much on labels and trying to force my journey onto him which wasn't fair. I guess I should thank you twice then."

"That's what I'm here for. I've always got an ear to lend if you need to talk. So are you going to try and drag him to gay prom?"

"I doubt he'll go. But it's not really my scene either, so it's ok."

"What do you mean not your scene? Prom is for everyone! Wouldn't you want a second chance to make your prom better?"

"I didn't actually go to a prom. I was homeschooled."

"Then you absolutely have to go. I won't take no for an answer. You have to go to at least one prom in your life."

When I got back to the dorm that night, Matt was talking on his phone. From the conversation I guessed that it was one of his parents, but I sat at my desk waiting for them to be finished before asking. As soon as he clicked the button to end the call he let out a sigh and sat up in bed.

"That was my dad. He wanted to let me know that he is coming up for a basketball game in a couple weeks. He has a corporate box and is bringing up some business partners to wine and fine dine them. He wants me to join, unfortunately. I have to get dressed up just to listen to a bunch of old men talk about work, get drunk and launch into stories about their college years.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, it gets worse. He told me that one of his partners has a daughter who is also a freshman, and she will be joining us for the night. I'm supposed to accompany her while the men talk business. He's all but pimping me out to some girl I don't even know. This is going to be the worst."

"So he's making you come along as this girl's date?"

"Not officially, but that's implied. I think he wants to set us up. He kept talking about how good a family partnership between businesses would be."

"So not only does he want you to keep her company, he's trying to get you a girlfriend?"

"Basically. He won't let up on the whole thing. He somehow thinks he's allowed to have a say in my romantic life."

"Well, at least you get a free dinner out of it. When is the game?"

"Next Friday," he said rubbing his eyes in exasperation.

"So, I guess you won't be able to go to gay prom with me?" I asked shyly, knowing that he wouldn't have wanted to go regardless of the game.

"Gay prom?" He chuckled at the idea.

"The LGBT is putting it on next Friday as well. It looked like it would be fun, and Josh is insisting that I go since I never got a real high school prom." Even explaining it, the idea sounded slightly silly.

"Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn't have had a prom would you?" He thought for a moment. "Josh is insisting that you go? Shouldn't you have some say in the matter?"

"I think it will be fun. Why not, what else am I going to do on a Friday night? Plus I figured I would ask you and see if you wanted to be my hot date." I smiled at the thought of us showing up to Prom together. "But it's ok, you need to entertain your dad, so I'll just go stag. I'm sure Josh will go over with me."

His face fell when I said the last part. I knew the mention of Josh made him slightly jealous, but I didn't mean to upset him.

"Wait, so you and Josh are going to go together?" His jaw tensed up, and I realized the jealousy was bubbling up again.

"I mean not 'together' together. Just two people who are going to the same event at the same time." I was trying to diffuse the situation as best as I could.

"Can I ask you a favor? Will you invite him over sometime before you all go out? I want to meet him and see who's taking you to prom."

"He's not taking me to prom. I just meant that neither of us have dates so we might as well go alone together. It's not like it's a date. And anyway, you're going on a date that night so why are you getting mad at me?"

"My date is being forced on me by my dad. It's different. And it's to dinner and a basketball game not your very first prom. Look, I'm sorry I'm getting upset. I'm just jealous that someone else gets to even fake take you out." He spoke the last line so sincerely that I couldn't help but walk over and kiss him.

"I'll bring Josh by so you can meet him. And just for the record, I will be wishing it was you the entire night."

Chapter 10

The next two weeks flew by in the rush of classes, working out with Matt and helping Josh plan the gay prom. I hadn't forgotten about Matt's request to meet the boy I had started spending so much time with, so I asked Josh to stop by the dorm the morning of Prom to help me pick out my suit. I wanted to assure Matt that he had nothing to worry about while also showing him the other side of the gay community.

Around 10:00 that morning Matt and I had just gotten out of bed when we heard a sharp knock on the door. I pulled on my pants and looked through the peephole to see a chipper looking Josh totally put together and holding two cups of coffee. I ran my hands through my hair before opening the door.

"Good morning handsome!" He walked through the door and handed me one of the coffees. "I got your favorite. Looks like you might need some help waking up."

I looked over at Matt, who had quickly put on his clothes for the day and realized I looked like the slob who had just crawled out of bed. Josh walked straight over and introduced himself to Matt, and I watched as the two shook hands. They stood about the same height, and it was obvious that both were inflating themselves to make a larger impression.  

After the introduction was over Josh turned around and announced, "Time to try on suits. Let me see what options we have."

I walked over to my closet and pulled out the two suits I had on hand. One black and one a dark blue.  

"Ok, let's see the black one first. It looks nice but try it on, so we can see how it fits."

I didn't think I would have to try them on for him, and I was suddenly embarrassed that I would have to strip in front of the two of them together. I turned toward the wall and pulled off my sweatpants trying to replace them as quickly as possible. When I had the suit fully buttoned and on straight I turned around to see both of their eyes transfixed on me.

"So, what do you think?" I asked nervously.

"It looks good," Matt spoke up. "I say go for that one."

Josh, on the other hand, hesitated, "I don't know...there's something about it that I don't quite like. Will you try on the other one?"

I quickly repeated the process and turned around for them to judge.

"That's the one!" Josh exclaimed.

"Really? I think the other one looks a lot better," Matt looked at me and nodded knowingly.

"No, no. This one fits his ass perfectly. I mean look at the way the fabric cups it. It makes you just want to take a bite out of it."

I saw Matt become increasingly irritated, "His ass looks good on anything. The other one is more classic and fits his shoulders better."

I didn't know what to do, so I stood there feeling uncomfortable while they discussed my body.

"Well, as the one accompanying you I vote for the dark blue. Not only is it more fashion forward, but it matches my own so we won't be clashing. Wear that tonight and I'll swing by to get you around 8. I've got to go, but it was nice meeting you, Matt." As he spoke, Josh walked over and gave me a kiss on the cheek before turning and walking out.

After the door closed Matt turned to me, "I do not like him. He's kind of a giant douche. And what the hell was that about taking a bite out of your ass? He very clearly wants to get with you."

"No, he doesn't," I replied as I changed back into my normal attire. "He was just kidding about that. Besides, he knows I'm not on the market. He's just friendly in a different way than you're used to. He doesn't normally act like that; I don't know what was up with him today."

"His giant hard on for you was what's up. You should have seen the way he was checking you out as you changed. I should have called him out right then, but I didn't want to make it weird for you." Matt was becoming more upset the more he talked and I walked over and started to rub his back hoping to calm him down.

"Hey, I think you're just overreacting because you're stressed about seeing your dad tonight while I'm hanging out with Josh, but I promise you that nothing will happen. He knows we're just friends but even if he tries something you know I only have a giant hard on for you." He didn't laugh.

"I just don't trust him, but I guess it's your call. Just be careful. And come back here for the after party, just you and me. I'll show you how prom is supposed to end."

Chapter 11

As Josh and I entered the coffee house that had been transformed into gay prom, I was exceptionally aware of all the people watching us walk together. Josh was something of a celebrity in this circle, and everyone seemed to want to know who I was just because we stood together. We made our way over to the drink table and ran into a few of Josh's friends.

"Joshy!! How are you?" They gushed as they exchanged kisses. One of them caught sight of me and asked,

"And who is this? A new boy? What's your name?"

"David," I replied, slightly uncomfortable that they thought I was Josh's date.

"David. He's beyond cute Joshy. You did well with him." They continued to look me up and down as they spoke.

I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation, so I excused myself and made my way to the restroom. I wondered what Matt was up to and whether he was enjoying the time with his own date. I fidgeted with my suit in the bathroom mirror, now glad I chose the black option, before heading back out to rejoin Josh.  

The rest of the night followed the same pattern. We were constantly approached by people Josh knew, and I was always mistaken for the date. I tried to speak for myself, but they didn't seem to pay attention when I did.

After a bit of socializing, Josh asked me to dance. I figured it couldn't hurt anything - it was prom after all. As soon as we reached the dance floor, though, I knew I had made the wrong choice. Josh's hands coiled around my waist, and he pulled me closer to him than seemed appropriate. As we swayed, I felt his hands slide down my back below my line of comfort. I reached around and pulled them back up.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Too much PDA in a public place, I know. It's just hard to resist an ass like yours."

I didn't know what to say, so I turned my head away and looked around the room to see if anyone saw. I sensed him getting closer, and when I turned my head back to see what he was doing, he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and felt rage flow through my veins.

I spat out, "I have a boyfriend, asshole." With that, I turned and left the party.

The adrenaline continued to pump through me as I made my way back to the dorm. I couldn’t believe that Matt had been right about Josh. Nothing made me more upset than the fact that I had trusted him, and he seemingly had no respect for me or my other relationships.

I was so infuriated that I sped walked back and reached the dorm in no time. As I fumbled around looking for my keys, I heard the sound of crying coming from our room. Though I had never heard him cry before, it sounded like Matt. I rushed to open the door and when I did, sure enough, he was sitting on the floor drinking shitty vodka and crying. He looked up at me and broke out into another wave of tears.

“What’s wrong?!” I rushed to his side and pulled him into my arms. He laid against my chest and continued to cry as I did my best to calm him down. Slowly but surely he stopped the flow of tears and was able to talk again.

“What’s wrong?” I repeated.

“Everything. This night has been utter shit. My dad brought up my future, and how I need to settle down and find a girl and that girl kissed me and you were off with that asshole probably being felt up in the back of his car. I just wanted to take you to your first fake prom.” He looked so utterly sad that I couldn’t help but kiss his forehead.

“Josh did try and kiss me-”

“-I told you he would!”

“But I didn’t let him. I pushed him away because you’re the only person I want to kiss.”

He looked up at me with a pained expression, “That girl kissed me tonight. And I let it happen. After I talked with my dad all I wanted was to be straight so I thought I should see what happened. She kissed me, and I responded and she started touching me and I had to stop. I didn’t want it. And I couldn’t hurt you or do it with anyone who wasn’t you. I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I just wanted it to work so badly. For my dad and for my future.”

I felt like he had punched me in the gut. I knew that it was something he had to do to know for sure, but I wished he hadn’t. I understood what he was saying, but I wished he didn’t have to go through her to find his answers.

“So what did you decide?” I asked.

“Well, I’m definitely gay. But I decided that I also don’t care. Because I fucking love you and love can never be wrong. And I’m done with us tiptoeing around the issues, and I’m over us being a secret. I am fucking in love with you, and I want to take you to the prom from now on.”

I leaned over and kissed him with every ounce of passion in my body. “I am fucking in love with you too,” I whispered.

We pushed each other down on the bed as we threw off our clothes in record speed. As soon as we were naked, though, he stopped, pulled away and looked over my body. Slowly and tenderly he kissed me on the lips and then made his way down the length of my body kissing each place like it was his favorite. He paused over the space right above my heart, and I shivered at the proximity of his lips to my most vital organ. His lips traced the lines of my torso before finally coming to rest on my hip bones. He kissed my flesh there with such intensity that I was sure it would leave a mark the next day. When he was finished, he moved down to his final destination and captured me between his lips.

I had experienced this with him enough now to know his usual actions, but there was something very different about this time. It was as if each and every motion was done with passion. After only a few moments, I exploded in the most intense ecstasy I had ever experienced.

Chapter 12

The next morning I woke to the sound of rustling in the room. I felt the absence of Matt in the bed and worried that he had changed his mind again, unable to commit to what he had said the night before. My mind took a moment to wake and think to look over at the source of the noise. I turned and saw Matt digging through his laundry and getting dressed.

“Hey, where are you going?” I asked groggily.

"I’m going to breakfast with my dad before he leaves this afternoon,” he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before flashing me a lopsided smile. “And, I'm going to tell my dad I'm gay. And that I've got a boyfriend. That is, if you'll agree to be my boyfriend?"

End of Part 2

Continue David and Matt’s story in Part 3, available now: CLICK HERE

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