NICE GUY DINOSAUR DOESN’T POUND ME IN THE BUTT BECAUSE I’M NOT INTERESTED AND HE’S NOT ACTUALLY NICE HE’S JUST ANNOYING AND CREEPY AND DOESN’T RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES WHEN I TELL HIM WE’RE NOT ON A DATE

By Chuck Tingle

On days like today, it’s nice to get a little sun. It’s a warm, breezy afternoon and my friend Clamp and I are sitting out in the courtyard of my apartment building, grilling up some burgers as we relax on what it shaping up to be a pretty good Saturday.

Clamp is manning the grill while I’m lost in a haze, staring out at the lush garden before me and watching as large ferns sway gently in the wind.

“Did you hear about the Revengers Videogame tournament this weekend over at the comic book store?” Clamp questions, flipping one of the sizzling burgers as its delicious scent wafts across my nostrils.

“Wait, seriously?” I question. “That old school game from when we were kids?”

Clamps nods. “Yep, there’s like a five hundred dollar prize.”

“Holy shit, we’ve gotta enter,” I blurt. “I used to be so damn good at Revengers.”

“Already looked into it,” Clamp informs me. “They had a limited number of entries and they’re all taken. People bought tickets up to a year in advance.”

“That’s nuts,” I reply.

Clamp finally finishes his work at the grill, pulling off our burgers with his metallic tool and flopping them down into a set of warm, golden buns. Cheese is already running down the sides of our burgers in beautiful yellow streaks, and a little onion, pickles, lettuce and special sauce only adds to the glorious sight.

My friend grabs two paper plates and carefully walks our food over, sitting the freshly prepared meal on the table before me. “This looks amazing,” I gush.

Clamp pops open a cold bottle of chocolate milk and two of us toast.

“Thanks for having me over, Montan, this is fun,” Clamp says as our glass bottles clink off of one another.

My friend and I both take huge bites of our burgers at the same time, reacting with shock and excitement at just how great these culinary creations have turned out. Neither of us is a particularly good cook, so this whole thing has been a welcome surprise.

“Remember when we’d play Revengers against each other on that snow level?” Clamp offers after swallowing his first bite. “What was that place called again?”

“Lockup,” I reply.

Suddenly, there’s a loud scoff from a bench across the garden from us.

Clamp and I glance over to see a large green dinosaur in a black trench coat, chuckling loudly and rolling his eyes. He’s got a fedora on his head and a bottle of bright green soda in his hand that is so neon I wouldn’t be surprised if it was toxic to consume.

“Are you okay?” I question.

The dinosaur nods. “I’m sorry, m’buds. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about the Revengers videogame, a true classic for refined gentlemen.”

Clamp and I exchange glances, not quite sure what to make of this dinosaur’s strange attitude. I’ve seen him around the apartment complex quite a few times, but he always keeps his eyes down to the ground when he passes me. This is the first time we’ve actually exchanged words.

“What about it?” Clamp questions.

“That stage is not called lockup, it’s called lockout,” the dinosaur informs us, still laughing to himself has he shakes his head from side to side. I can see now that sweat is pouring down his forehead from wearing an enormous trench coat on this hot Summer’s day.

“Oh yeah, I guess you’re right,” I reply.

“That’s okay, it’s an easy mistake for a casual gamer like you to make,” the dinosaur continues. “Sometimes I forget that the world is not only made up of intellectuals like myself.”

“Okay,” is all that I can think to say, turning my attention back to my friend as we continue to enjoy our meal.

This interruption has thrown us so far out of our conversation that I don’t even know where to begin again, at a loss for words.

As Clamp and I sit in silence, we begin to her heavy, labored breathing from behind us. We both look back to see that the dinosaur is still sitting in the sun, baking in the heat as he closes his eyes and continues to sweat through his coat.

“Are you okay?” I finally ask. “It’s a little hot to be out to be dressed like that.”

“Oh, m’bud. If you only knew what it truly takes to prepare for my gamer’s battle you would not be so flippant with your words,” the dinosaur offers. “I’m out here meditating as I prepare for the Revengers tournament tomorrow, clearing my mind. This is how I study the blade, and it’s also how I’ll study m’games.”

“But why are you wearing a fedora and a tench coat?” I continue.

The dinosaur laughs. “You always train in the attire that you will don for battle, this is the Joker’s first rule of war.”

“I don’t think it is,” I continue.

“A gentleman gamer and certified nice guy like myself isn’t going to show up at the tournament looking like a slob.”

“Fair enough,” I offer.

“I’m guessing the two of you are going?” questions the dinosaur.

“Oh no,” I reply, shaking my head from side to side. “We just talked about trying to get tickets, but it’s been sold out for a long time ago.”
The dinosaur grins, then stands up and walks over to me. He reaches into his coat and pulls out a card, handing it to me proudly.

I read the card aloud. “Prenko Pimmis, professional gentleman gamer, pick up artist, and certified nice guy.”

“At your service, m’bud,” Prenko offers.

“Nice to meet you Prenko. I’m Montan and this is my friend Clamp,” I reply.

Prenko doesn’t even look at Clamp as I introduce my friend, his eyes fixed directly onto me. “You know, I happen to have three tickets to attend the Revengers videogame tournament, and I would be honored if you would go with me.”

Clamp and me exchange glances. “Of course we’d like to go!” I finally blurt, determining that Prenko’s strangeness is not quite bad enough to keep us away from some free tickets.

“Oh…” Prenko says, glancing back and forth between Clamp and me. “I only intended to invite you, Montan. This isn’t your boyfriend is it?”

I shake my head. “We’re just friends, I don’t have a boyfriend,” I tell him, “but we weren’t super invested in the tournament so… if only one of us can go don’t worry about it. Thank you so much, though.”
I can tell the prospect of me bringing a friend really bothers Prenko, but is slightly more tolerable than me inviting a boyfriend.

Finally, the dinosaur accepts my offer.

“Alright, m’bud. We can all go, but you must promise to spend a large portion of the time with me,” Prenko finally says. “I am a nice guy and I deserve to be recognized as such.”

“I… alright,” I reluctantly agree. “Just to be clear. This isn’t a date.”

“Of course. Meet tomorrow at five in the parking lot,” offers Prenko. “M’carriage will be ready.”

While some people like to dress up as their favorite characters for comic shop events like this, Clamp and I decide not to go all out. I’m excited to see all the cool costumes, but those take a lot of time to make and this is one of our first big videogame gatherings. Instead, I don a T-shirt featuring my favorite character and we head out the door.

When we reach the parking lot we find Prenko waiting for us, dressed in the same trench coat and fedora as before and leaning back against his car as he snacks on a bag of nacho cheese Doritos.

“Greetings, M’bud,” he says to me as I approach, bowing deep and taking my hand in his. He gives my hand a kiss.

“Hey there,” I reply in turn. “Ready to roll?”

Prenko nods. “You sit in front.”
We pull open our doors and climb into the car, but the second I sit down in my passenger seat I notice something is very wrong. I turn in my chair to find that the entire back seat is filled with garbage, ranging from discarded snack packages to entire bags of Styrofoam. The smell is unpleasant, but even more concerning is the fact that there’s definitely not enough room for Clamp.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” says Prenko to my friend as he stands outside of the car. “I don’t think I’ve got enough room for you.”

“Should we just clean it out?” I question.

“No time,” Prenko informs me. “The tournament is about to start. Your friend will have to find his own way.”

Prenko throws his car in reverse and then pulls out into the parking lot, waving to Clamp as we drive away.

“He’ll be fine,” Prenko offers.

I consider making Prenko pull over, but then realize Clamp would probably much rather take his own car anyway. It’s hard to tell which one of us is the lucky one right now.

“That’s a nice outfit,” Prenko offers.

“Yeah, I thought about going to this in some cosplay or something, but I’m new to the event scene so I don’t really have any options. I wasn’t prepared,” I explain.

“Cosplay?” Prenko replies with a chuckle. “M’bud, as my date for the evening I would not allow your body to be exposed in such a way. I am a nice guy and I will protect the honor of m’bud, even if that means protecting him from himself.”

“Sorry, but that decision has nothing to do with you,” I reply, fairly disturbed already. “I just didn’t have a costume made.”

“Fair enough, m’bud,” Prenko says, tipping his fedora at me.

We ride along for a short while and then suddenly Prenko mades a quick turn into the parking lot of nearby chain restaurant.

He parks, then gets out of the car.

“Uh… where are you going?” I question.

“I would never think to take a bud on a date without feeding him a proper meal, I’m a gentleman gamer after all,” Prenko explains. “Why do serious?”

“I thought we were in a hurry,” I retort. “Isn’t that why you left Clamp behind?”

“A hurry to get to the restaurant,” Prenko explains. “We’re on a very strict timeline tonight.”

I climb out of the car. “I’m not really that hungry.”

“You can order as much or as little as you’d like,” Prenko laughs. “I like a bud who watches his figure, though.”

We head inside and meet the host, who directs us to our table right away. Prenko and I slide into our booth across from one another.

Every step of the way it has become more and more clear that Prenko thinks this situation is much more serious than it actually is. It’s fascinating to watch and, although in similar situations I might be a little frightened by this clearly unhinged man, his extreme lack of personal care makes me think he’s not capable of accomplishing much.

I decide that, for the time being, it’s still worth it to hang out with this sad, strange man. After all, there’s a fun event waiting for me at the end of the meal.

“You two know what you’d like to order?” our waitress suddenly asks, approaching with a papar and pencil.

“I’ll have the chicken tendies,” Prenko replies. “Actually, two orders of the chicken tendies. My friend here will have the salad.”

“Right away,” the waitress replies with a nod, then begins to turn away.

Fortunately, I have time to stop her.

“Wait,” I cry out. “I have no idea why he just ordered for me. That’s not what I want.”

“M’bud said he wasn’t hungry for much, and ordering for you is the gentlemanly thing to do,” the fedora wearing dinosaur retorts. “Taking control is one of my pick up artist tactics.”

“I’ll just have a grilled cheese,” I tell the waitress.

Prenko eyes me up and down for a moment, then finally shrugs it off. “So have to ever played Revengers?” the dinosaur asks. “It’s a very complicated videogame. An intellectual gamer like myself can navigate it with ease, but it might be difficult for someone like you.”

“Yeah, I used to play it a lot when I was a kid,” I reply.

Prenko immediately breaks out in a fit of raucous laughter, trying his best to calm down but unable to do so. I take a long sip from my water, waiting it out until, finally, Prenko settles once more.

“You seem like such a casual gamer,” he finally says. “I can’t believe you’ve actually played Revengers.”
“You already knew this,” I inform him. “We we’re talking about it in the courtyard the other day.”

“I must have not been listening,” Prenko continues.

“You literally interrupted us to have a conversation about it,” I remind him.

Prenko shrugs. “I have a lot on my mind, especially after a good meditation or study session with my blade. I ponder a lot of advanced ideas that are difficult for most people to grasp. Questions about society. Questions about real cinema, before superhero movies were destroyed by wokeness. I am very smart, m’bud.”
“Okay,” I reply, just letting him talk it out.

Prenko continues rambling until the food arrives, at which point we dive in. The grilled cheese is actually pretty good, and the fact that Prenko can’t seem to really talk and eat at the same time makes the rest of our meal considerably more pleasant than before.

When the two of us finally finish, the check arrives.

I pull out my wallet and put down my credit card, then watch as Prenko checks his pockets. “I’m sorry, M’bud, I seem to have lost my card.”

“It’s… fine,” I offer.

The waitress comes by and we settle up.

Soon enough, Prenkon and me are heading back out to the car.

“Our first date, I shall remember this day for a very long time,” Prenko tells me.

“It wasn’t a date,” I remind him.

The dinosaur seems to go out of his way to ignore this, because I’m damn near certain that he heard me. Regardless, he doesn’t react, just hops in the car and waits for me to join him.

“Let’s go,” I offer as I climb into the passage seat.

We sit here idling for a moment, the car completely silent as Prenko stares at me with his huge dinosaur eyes, clearly waiting for something. I can see him from my peripheral, and I try to ignore his strange gaze for as long as I possibly can until, finally, I give in and turn to look at him.

“I have been a nice guy all night, and now you’re disrespecting me,” Prenko says, clearly a little upset about something. “You didn’t even say thank you for dinner.”

“Thank you?” I question. “I just bought it.”
“I brought us here, though!” Prenko counters. “And I would’ve paid if I had my wallet.”

“But you didn’t,” I remind him.

The two of us sit in silence for a moment.

Finally Prenko starts his car, still not saying a word as we pull back out onto the road. The dinosaur has shown me a lot of strange and unexpected emotions tonight, but now is the first time I’ve seen his simmering anger and aggression bubble up to the surface. His quietness is unsettling, but fortunately there are only a few blocks to travel.

It’s not long before we’re pulling up outside the comic book shop, where Clamp is standing by the curb and waiting for us.

We park, and Prenko turns to me. “Now, I have a few rules for when we’re-“

Before the dinosaur has a chance to finish, I’ve opened the door and am climbing out onto the sidewalk. I give Clamp a big hug when I see him, happy to be around someone normal again.

“How was it?” my friend questions.

“Oh my god,” I reply, my eyes wide. “I’ve got some amazing stories.”

Prenko strolls over to us, clearly trying his best to remain calm. He forces a smile.

“Here are the tickets,” Prenko says, handing one to each of us.

“Awesome,” I reply, genuinely thankful for his generosity, regardless of how weird he’s acting. “Thanks.”

The three of us head inside, immediately greeted by a wild party of loud music and decadent foods. On a back wall of the comic book shop the Revengers videogame is being projected, patrons gathered around and cheering on the battle as it unfolds before them.

“Cool!” I blurt, finding myself a lot more excited to be here than I expected to be.

I turn to Clamp. “You want to go check out the game or should we browse a little bit.”
“I might want to buy some comics, actually. It’s been a while,” my friend informs me.

The two of us head over and start browsing the neatly organized rows of comic books, flipping through them one by one and pulling out a few that spark our interest. We laugh together, joking about the covers and reminiscing over issues that used to be a part of our collections.

We’re having fun.

“This is great,” I say. “Hey, where’s Prenko?”

We hadn’t even noticed the dinosaur wasn’t with us.

“Yeah, it’s really cool of him to get us these tickets,” Clamp continues. “Even if he is a little strange.”
Eventually, we spot the fedora wearing dinosaur on the opposite side of the room, starring daggers as us as he watches in complete silence.

“Uh… do you think he’s okay?” Clamp questions.

“I don’t know,” I admit.

Clamp and I wave at the dinosaur, who does nothing in return, just continues to stare back.

“I better go talk to him,” I say, leaving my friend and strolling over to Prenko.

“Hey man, what’s going on?” I question. “You wanna come browse the comic books with us?”

“You said you would spend your time with me here, now you’re over there talking to some other guy,” the raptor says sternly.

“You can come hang out with us,” I inform him. “We’re not trying to ditch you. Besides, me and you already had a whole dinner together. I haven’t seen Clamp all night.”
“You probably like him more than me,” the dinosaur blurts.

“I… um… he’s a good friend of mine. We’ve known each other since we we’re kids,” I reply. “Do you really want me to say which one of you I like more? Because me and you literally just met yesterday.”

Prenko begins to mumble under his breath, his words barely audible. “That’s what I thought, just talking to Chad because he’s handsome. He won’t treat you right, though. I’m a nice guy, I’ll always treat you well.”

“What was that?” I ask, legitimately not quite hearing him.

“Nothing,” Prenko replies.

“Okay… well, do you wanna come look at comic books with us,” I ask again.

Prenko nods and then starts to follow me but stops halfway. “Just one thing,” the dinosaur begins.

I turn back around to face the prehistoric creature. “Sure, what is it?”

“I’ll only go if you promise you’ll honor my nice guy points,” Prenko says.

I have no idea what he’s talking about, so I just stare at him blankly, not quite sure what to say.

Finally, I simply offer a single word in return. “What?”

“You have to honor my nice guy points,” Prenko repeats. “I took you out to dinner, I’ve been a gentleman gamer to you all night. I even let you order a grilled cheese instead of the salad I wanted you to eat. That means at the end of the night you have to sleep with me.”

“Are you… are you joking?” I question.

“I’m I gentleman gamer, m’bud. I don’t joke about serious things like nice guy points,” Prenko replies.

“Okay, I’m going to say this again and it will be the last time, because you ignored me earlier,” I begin. “This is not a date. This never was a date, and it’s never going to be a date.”

“But, m’bud,” is all that Prenko can think to say in protest.

“No,” I reply flatly. “Second of all, that’s not how it works. You don’t earn points towards sex. This isn’t some kind of a videogame, this is a real world interaction between two sentient creatures.”

“But I’m a nice guy,” Prenko protests.

“If you do nice things to earn imaginary points towards sex, you’re not actually that nice. In fact, that makes you a horrible asshole,” I continue.

I can tell that Prenko is upset now, literally trembling with anger. “You just want Chad!” he screams at me, causing the entire store to stop what they’re doing and stare in confusion, not quite sure what’s going on.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure either.

“My name is Clamp,” my friend calls over from where he’s standing. “Not Chad.”

Prenko throws his hands up. “You owe me! You owe me sex right now for all the nice guy points!”

“You’re disgusting,” I finally say, losing my cool.

“I’m a nice guy,” Prenko yells, “and I can’t even get laid in a Chuck Tingle book!”

“Not everyone gets pounded in a Chuck Tingle book, because pounding is never just a given. It’s about respect and understanding between consenting partners, and while there’s a whole lot of things to explore within that realm, the most important thing to include is the consent between partners part,” I explain. “Sure, we’re characters in an erotica book, and sure, Chuck Tingle writes a lot about pounding… but guess what? I don’t want to pound you, or be pounded by you. I don’t like you. If that’s not part of the equation then nothing else matters, and I don’t owe you shit.”
The entire comic book shop suddenly erupts into applause, clearly happy to hear someone say this to Prenko’s face. I suddenly get the feeling that I’m not the first person he’s done this too, that a dinosaur like this clearly has a problem understanding the boundaries of everyone he comes into contact with, not just me.

I can sense this is a turning point for the fedora-wearing creature. His mind is racing as the group around us cheers loudly, but where these thoughts are taking him I can only guess. Maybe this is the breakthrough moment that Prenko needed, a place on the timeline of his life where he can finally make a big change in the way that he sees the world.

Unfortunately, Prenko chooses to take the opposite path.

“You owe me sex! You owe me sex! I’m a nice guy!” the dinosaur begins to shriek with whiny belligerence, repeating the words over and over again as tears of anger stream down his face. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

The crowd around us begins to boo, causing Prenko to finally lose his cool entirely. The dinosaur turns around and pushes through the door of the shop, his trench coat fluttering behind him as he heads out into the darkness of the night.

“That was… interesting,” Clamp offers, stepping up beside me.

“Yeah,” I reply. “I don’t give a damn about Prenko, but I’ve gotta admit I’m a little concerned about the readers. Are they gonna be okay without any sex in this Tingler?”

“I think they’ll get it,” Clamp offers. “Sex isn’t owed. That applies to everything, even erotica books.”

I nod. “Let’s get back to it then.”
Soon enough, my friend and I are enjoying the party as it unfolds around us.

After an hour or so, I’ve completely forgotten about my strange confrontation, and it’s only when the phone in my pocket starts to buzz over and over again that I remember Prenko.

I pull the device out and stare at its glowing screen.

“I’m sorry I was such and asshole, will you come meet me?” I read aloud, following the messages down. “Please respond. Please respond. Why aren’t you talking to me? I knew it, you’re just an asshole like I thought you were. Don’t ever talk to me again, you don’t deserve a nice guy like me.”

Finally, one final message appears.

“I’m sorry about that, please call me,” I read.

I turn off my phone and put it in my pocket, excited to spend some quality time with my friends.

Some say that love is the soul of books, and what better way to show a little love then with a free gift?  Here to tingle you to the core is a bonus story for your reading pleasure:

NOT POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY ANYTHING AND THAT’S OKAY

I roll out of a mess of blankets and pillows, clearing my mind as I shake away the sleep and let the warm morning sunlight soak in though my skin. It’s a new day.

Next, I take a shower and get dressed, then pour myself a bowl of cereal with chocolate milk; all part of the usual routine. Today feels like just another day in a series of many, but little do I know how important this particular day is about to become.

I check my watch as I head out the door for work, thankful I’ve carved out enough time to prepare for my big presentation today. Everyone in the office is on pins and needles, but I feel like I’ve got everything under control.

The first sign that something’s not right is when I step from the elevator of my apartment building’s massive, hollow car garage, noticing immediately that damn near all the vehicles are missing. Only a handful of cars remain, meaning one of two things: I’m either very late, or everyone else has decided to leave very early.

I check my watch again, just to make sure, then smile confidently. Seven in the morning.

Heading towards my car I suddenly stop, panic shooting through my veins in an icy bolt. I frantically pull the phone from my pocket and check the time, gasping aloud when I see that it’s actually eight, not seven, and the device has updated itself automatically.

I forget about the change in daylight savings time.

“Oh fuck,” I blurt, suddenly breaking into a sprint as throw open my car door and climb inside.

I peel out from my spot and blast from the garage, weaving my way through the city streets as I struggle to make up lost minutes. While I still might make it to the office in time for my presentation, it’s not a guarantee, and I certainly can’t prepare in the way I was expecting to.

My heart slamming hard in my chest, I focus intently on the road ahead, my concentration only broken when a brilliant flash of red and blue lights appears in my rearview mirror.

“No!” I cry, immediately realizing what’s happening.

I pull my car over to the side of the road and take a deep breath, struggling to think of any way I can get out of this quickly and easily.

A large, muscular unicorn police officer appears at the driver’s side window next to me, prompting me to roll it down as I gaze up at him. The creature is shirtless, showing off his perfectly sculpted chest and abs.

“Unicorn Butt Cops: Highway Patrol,” the objectively handsome unicorn says in a deep, gruff voice. “Do you know how fast you were going back there?”

I hesitate, not quite sure how to respond. “I might have been going a little bit over the speed limit,” I finally admit.

The unicorn chuckles to himself, shaking his head as he gazes at me knowingly from behind enormous, mirrored glasses. “You we’re going twenty five over. That’s pretty fast.”
I let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry,” I finally say.

The Unicorn Butt Cop nods. “License and registration,” he continues.

I hand the officer both, but before he walks away I call out to stop him. “Please!” I shout, prompting the muscular creature to turn around and stroll back to me. “Is there anything I can do to speed this process up? Anything at all?”

The unicorn gazes over the rim of his glasses, a single bead of sweat forming on his brow in the brilliant morning sun.

“There is… one thing,” the muscular Unicorn Butt Cop replies.

I swallow hard. “Yeah?”

The creature hesitates for a moment. “You can promise to never do it again,” he finally says.

“Sounds great!” I reply, thankful to be let off so easy this time.

The Unicorn Butt Cop tears up a blank citation in his hand, then raps twice on the side of my car with his knuckles as he walks away. “Don’t do that again, okay? It’s dangerous.”

“I won’t! I promise!” I call out as I start my car and pull onto the city street once more, this time at a respectable speed.

While my presentation is incredibly important, it’s certainly not worth getting into an accident over. And besides, even if I do manage to make it where I’m going safely, a promise is a promise. I told this Unicorn Butt Cop I’d follow the speed limit, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

Surprisingly, thanks to the fact that most people are already where they need to be and the morning traffic is relatively clear, I arrive at my office building only fifteen minutes later than expected.

I hop out of my ride and grab my briefcase, running over to the elevator and somehow making it inside before the sliding doors close. I press the button for the twenty-third floor and then count down the seconds as my lift cruises upward. It feels so much slower than usual.

The second the doors slide open I’m rushing out into the lobby, heading straight for the conference room where I’m certain everyone else is already waiting.

Seconds later, I’m bursting through the doors to see that I’m absolutely correct, an entire tableful of coworkers immediately turning to look at me. My boss, Mr. Blonto, is at the head of the long conference room table.

Mr. Blonto, a well-dressed bigfoot with dark brown fur and striking blue eyes, furrows his brow when he sees me. “Ken, we weren’t sure if you were planning on showing up for your presentation or not.”

“I’m so sorry,” I apologize, walking to the front of the room as opening up my briefcase. I pull out my notes and make sure everything is where it should be. “I forgot to change my clock.”

Mr. Blonto settles back into his chair, clearly a little bothered but not letting it ruin his day. “Fine, fine,” the muscular bigfoot tells me, waving his hand in the air as if to push away any lingering thoughts on the matter. “You’re here now, what have you got for us?”

I nod, walking over to my projector and flipping it on. “Tingleland,” I say aloud as a massive aerial map of the fantastical amusement park appears on the screen behind me. “An enormous theme park for adults, based on the complete works of Dr. Chuck Tingle.”

Mr. Blonto’s expression doesn’t seem to change at all, which gives me great concern, but I push ahead anyway.

“The themepark is going to feature several rides, all of them based on various notable works from Dr. Chuck Tingle. We’re going to have rollercoasters, dark rides, virtual reality simulations; the works. More importantly, we’re going to have restaurants and, of course, plenty of merchandise.”

Mr. Blonto can’t help but smile as the sweet mention of merchandising rolls across his ears. It’s a reaction that couldn’t come soon enough, and the second that I see his stoic façade break I can feel all of my trepidation slip away.

“We’re going to have four themed lands within the park,” I explain, walking over to the projection and pointing to each of the four segments. “Each one is themed after a different kind of Tingler. We’ve got Unicornland, Living Objectland, Dinosuarland, and of course, Bigfootland.”

My boss is nodding along now, and thusly, his table full of kiss asses are following suit, acting incredibly excited about this idea as it unfolds before them. To be honest, I don’t care if their reaction is genuine or not, I’m just glad to have them along for the ride.

“Do you have any questions so far?” I ask Mr. Blonto.

My boss considers this for a moment, letting everything I’ve just hit him with sink in as he rolls it around in his head.

“You said this is a theme park for adults, right?” Mr. Blonto questions.

I nod.

“Chuck Tingle’s books are great, I think we can all agree with that, but they’re also packed with graphic sex. You can’t just have a themepark full of rampant sexual imagery, even if it is for adults only.”
“Not every Chuck Tingle book has sex in it,” I explain.

Mr. Blonto scoffs. “Somehow I doubt that,” the well-dressed bigfoot retorts.

“It’s true,” I insist. “This one isn’t.”

My boss mulls over these comments a little longer and then, suddenly, makes an announcement to the room. “Alright everyone, get out. Me and Ken need to chat privately for a moment.”

My coworkers stand up from their seats and take off without a word, getting back to work like good little drones while Mr. Blonto and I wait silently. Soon enough, the whole room is completely empty other than the two of us.

“May I speak openly?” my boss suddenly questions, a strange request from such an otherwise forward Sasquatch.

“Of course,” I tell him, turning off the projector.

Mr. Blonto climbs to his feet and begins to walk slowly towards me, loosening up his tie as he goes and then pulling it off completely.

“I have some concerns about the sexual element of this park,” he informs me in a deep, confident tone. “I think I might need a few examples of how it’s going to work.”

“I have a few examples right here,” I explain to Mr. Blonto, the hulking bigfoot now standing directly before me.

“I’m gonna need more than that,” he retorts, hesitating for a moment. “I’m gonna need… a lot more.”

“Anything,” I tell him.

Mr. Blonto nods. “I’m gonna need ten ride designs on my desk tomorrow morning. Bright and early”

My boss reaches out his hand and gives me a firm shake. “Great presentation. Why don’t you head home and get started on those. I know you’re much more creative out of the office.”
“Thank you!” I reply. “That’s very understanding!”

“No problem,” retorts Mr. Blonto, turning and heading for the door. “Looking forward to it!” he calls back over his shoulder.

I collect my things, carefully packing up my briefcase as the excitement overwhelms me. I’d known this idea was a hard sell, but as a lifelong buckaroo I just had to give it a shot. Thankfully, it seems like the rest of my coworkers are, at least, receptive to the concept. Now I just need to blow them away with an incredible collection of ride plans.

I head back to the elevator and make my way down towards the garage once more, my mind already flooded with a myriad of different concepts for Chuck Tingle based rides.

Mr. Blonto was right, I really am much more creative when I work from home. I’m even more creative, however, when I work from the library.

With this in mind, I change course and head directly to the nearest library branch I can find.

I pull my car up out front and then head inside, immediately overwhelmed by a powerful sense of relaxation and tranquility as my vision is filled with stacks and stacks of beautiful old books.

In the day of the internet, this place may not be as popular as it once was, but it’s just as beautiful as ever.

I stroll over to a nearby table and consider claiming my spot, but at the last second I alter course and decide to go check out any texts there might be regarding theme park history an construction. Maybe there’s something laying around here that can get my creative juices flowing.

I know this particular library pretty well, and instinctively head over to the appropriate second. I slowly make my way through the aisles, my eyes wandering over binding after binding as I stroll. There’s so much here to get excited about that it’s almost overwhelming, and this proves to be the case when I suddenly find myself running directly into another person while they make their way down the aisle across to me.

“I’m so sorry,” I blurt, watching as a stack of books that was once held in this person’s arms goes clattering to the ground.

I bend down and immediately start gathering the texts, then stand up to find that I’m face to face with a light green raptor in thick-rimmed glasses. The two of us smile immediately as our eyes meet, a powerful sense of friendship and appreciation passing back and forth between us.

“It’s okay,” the dinosaur tells me. “My fault.”

I laugh. “No way, that was totally my fault. I should’ve been watching where I was going.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” the raptor continues to assure me.

I notice now that this prehistoric creature is shirtless, but he wears an official library nametag attached to the waistband of his pants.

“Oh, you work here,” I stammer.

The dinosaur nods. “I’m Trip, the handsome Jurassic librarian.”

“It’s nice to meet you Trip! I’m Ken,” I inform him. “I was actually looking for some books on the history of famous amusement parks.”

The raptor smiles. “Well, I’m glad I can help you then. We’ve been doing some rearranging. The history section is over there now,” he explains, pointing a long, clawed finger across the library.

“Thank you so much,” I gush.

The dinosaur casually leans against a nearby bookshelf now, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Is there anything else I can help you with?” he coos.

I consider his words for a moment. There’s something very cool about this raptor that I can’t quite put my finger on, a confident demeanor that makes me want to spend more time with him.

“What are you doing after work?” I finally question. “I’ve got a lot to do before my big meeting tomorrow, but if I get it finished then maybe we could hang out and talk about libraries.”

“Are you sure?” Trip questions. “I don’t wanna interrupt your work.”

“Oh yeah,” I assure him. “Some people think it’s best to work and work and work before a big meeting like this, but what they don’t realize is how important it is to relax, as well. You’ve gotta take care of your business, of course, but you can’t over do it.”

Trip grins with his perfect rows of sharp dinosaur teeth. “I think I can help you relax,” he says. “I’ll see you tonight.”

I’ve just finished plating dinner when the doorbell rings, and I walk over with both excitement and apprehension. I can already tell that Trip is a very, very hip dinosaur, and I hope that he thinks I’m just as hip in return.

I open the door. “Hey! Come in!” I offer my new friend.

The muscular raptor strolls inside, still shirtless. He glances around my apartment and nods in appreciation of my interior decorating skills. “This is a great place,” Trip tells me.

“Thank you,” I reply.

I can tell now that there’s a powerful tension blossoming between us, a potent ache that I can’t quite put my finger on but simmers with intensity in the pit of my stomach. It builds and builds as the two of us stand here in silence, just staring at one another until, eventually; I realize exactly what this feeling is.

“I’m so fucking hungry,” I suddenly blurt. “I’m sorry, I should’ve had a bigger lunch. I know you just got here but can we have dinner now?”

“Yes,” the muscular raptor gushes. “Of course.”

Suddenly, we’re rushing over to the dinner table, taking our seats and immediately chowing down on the food before us. I open wide and take a huge spoonful of mashed potatoes into my mouth, savoring the sweet, buttery flavor while I gaze across the table at my new friend. Trip is clearly enjoying himself, too, lost in a moment of utter satisfaction as he tries the green beans.

“Fuck. This is so fucking good,” the dinosaur groans.

“Thank you,” I moan in reply. “I’m proud of how it turned out.”

I shovel more and more of the delicious food into my mouth, alternating between the potatoes and the beans until, finally, I just can’t take it anymore and take both between my lips at the same time. I swallow hungrily, taking the strange mess of flavors down my throat as I close my eyes tight and focus on the sensation. It’s honestly much better than I would’ve thought, and only adds to the confident assertion that I’ve done a pretty good job for an amateur cook.

Now it’s time for the main course, but despite how excited I am, I can’t help but hesitate.

“You seem nervous,” Trip informs me.

I nod. “I am.”

“Why?” he coos.

“I’ve never done this before,” I finally admit.

Trip looks shocked. “Cooked?”

“Not for a guest like this,” I continue. “Mashed potatoes and green beans are easy, but I don’t know how I did on the main dish.”
“I’m sure it’s fine,” the muscular, shirtless dinosaur assures me.

I stand up and stroll over to the kitchen, peeking into the oven and then glancing back over my shoulder at the raptor. It certainly looks amazing, but who knows how this roast actually tastes.

Slowly, I open the over farther and farther until it’s gaping wide for Trip to see, the sizzling main course looking absolutely mouthwatering as it waits for me and the raptor to make our move.

“You like what you see?” I call back to the dinosaur, his eyes transfixed on the delectable treat before him.

“Fuck yeah,” Trip offers in return.

I take a deep breath, then let it out, trying my best to collect myself before taking a final leap into the unknown.

“I have to tell you something,” I say, my voice trembling slightly.

“What is it?” Trip questions, a look of grave concern making its way across his face.

“This isn’t meat, it’s vegetarian,” I finally inform him. “I hope that’s okay.”

I hold my breath, on pins and needles as I wait for the librarian raptor’s reply. His expression stays completely blank for much longer than I’d like, but eventually a grin begins to creep its why across his lips.

“I’ve never had a vegetarian roast,” he says. “Sounds exciting! What’s in it?”

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “I just got it at the store. Pea protein I think?”

The raptor climbs up from his seat and positions himself behind me, leaning over my shoulder as he smells the delicious roast. He takes a big sniff, holding it in for a minute and then letting it out slowly. In and out the dinosaur breathes, quickly falling into a rhythm with me as we analyze this exciting new addition to our meal.             
“Fuck yeah,” the shirtless dinosaur gushes. “That smells like a roast to me. I can’t even tell the difference.”

“Wanna help me get it out?” I ask.

Trip nods and soon enough the two of us are pulling the sizzling faux meat dish out of the oven, setting it on the kitchen counter and admiring the bubbling juices that swim around it in the pan. I reach into a nearby drawer and pull out a large knife, cutting off a thick slab for each of us before we return to our seats at the table.

“I can’t wait for this,” the dinosaur says, his eyes wide and his mouth watering.

Without hesitation we dive in, consuming the main course with a blissed out fervor unlike anything I’ve experienced. Sharing this moment with my new friend is incredible, and the pleasure of the meal is only elevated by his presence.

Now the two of us are moaning and groaning together, losing ourselves in the moment as we chow down on our succulent roasts. Trip plunges his fork into the slab of tender juiciness over and over again, starting slowly at first and then picking up speed as the flavors overwhelm him.

Not wanting to be left behind, I quickly fall into a rhythm behind Trip, eating at his pace as I continue to shovel more food into my body. Faster and faster we go, until eventually I’m worried there will soon be no roast left.

Of course, that’s when I remember I’ve got a whole tray of the sizzling goodness left to be devoured.

“More?” I question.

“Fuck yeah, more,” the shirtless dinosaur grunts enthusiastically.

I take our plates, which are now wiped completely clean, then head back into the kitchen for another helping of this incredible meal. This time, I slice off two even larger hunks of the roast, not slowing down for a second.

I take a spoon and ladle on some of the juices around it, making sure everything is nice and wet, then return to the table and set my handiwork before Trip once more.

“It’s all yours,” I tell him.

I watch in awe as the dinosaur continues to wolf down the delicious roast, putting my worries of a vegetarian menu completely to rest as he slams the food down his through in a state of aching, belligerent passion.

The dinosaur has consumed his entire second slab before I even sit down, which causes me to reel in shock.

Trip notices this and quickly apologizes. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Was that too fast?”

“No,” I assure him, shaking my head with a wry smile plastered across my face. “I like it. Actually, I fucking love it.”
I take the shirtless, muscular creature’s plate and carry it back to the kitchen, loading it up with more and more of the roast before returning to Trip.

Of course, the hungry dinosaur promptly wolfs it down once more.

This process goes one for quite a while, in and out of the kitchen for what seems like forever until it feels like the dinosaur is about to reach his breaking point.

“Oh my god,” Trip groans. “I’m so stuffed, I think I’m gonna blow.”

“Wait!” I cry out. “Just one last thing.”

I run back to the kitchen, but this time I don’t go for the roast, which is nothing but scraps by now. Instead, I head to the freezer and open it up, pulling out a sweet and frozen tub of delicious ice cream. I prepare us two large bowls of the velvety goodness and then carry them over to my friend, setting one down before him and another one in front of myself.

“Think you’ve got room?” I question playfully.

“I’ve got this,” the dinosaur assures me.

The next thing I know we’re both diving into the ice cream with a ravenous hunger, swallowing massive spoonfuls of the milky liquid. I don’t even stop to wipe my chin as the white liquid rolls down my face in long, thick streaks, dangling in the air before dripping off into the bowl once more.

Of course, I’m determined to finished it all, and I immediately get to work scooping up the remainder of the ice cream. I swallow the milky thickness with hunger and passion, utterly beside myself as the sweetness overwhelms me.

“Fuck,” I finally moan, collapsing back into my chair. “That was amazing.”

“You’re telling me,” the raptor chimes in, looking equally satisfied.

We sit like this for a while before Trip stands up and strolls over, rounding the table and taking a seat in the chair next to me instead of across. There’s something about this closeness that I like, as though I can physically sense the way that my new friend is starting to open up to me.

“I was thinking,” the dinosaur begins. “I really like you, and I’d love it if we spent more time together.”

“I like you, too,” I tell him.

Suddenly, the raptor reaches out and touches my arm in a way that I’m not quite prepared for, breaking past the boundaries of a friendship and ending up somewhere else entirely. I pull back slightly, which fills Trip’s expression with grave concern.

“I’m sorry,” the dinosaur offers.

“It’s okay,” I assure him. “I’m just… not interested in anything physical.”

Trip considers this a moment. “That’s okay, we can just be friends.”

I shake my head. “No, no. I don’t mean it like that… we can definitely be more than friends, but I’m never going to be interested in having sex. If you’re okay with that, then so am I. If not, I totally understand.”

“I’m interested,” the muscular raptor says with a smile. “So what does that make us? Buds? Boyfriends?”

I shrug, laughing as I realize what an understanding and caring companion I’ve found. “I don’t know yet, but it’s all on the table. I just can’t wait to figure it out together.”

Also by Chuck Tingle…

Dinosaur Tinglers

My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass

Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner

Gaygent Brontosaurus: The Butt Is Not Enough

Professor T-Rex Teaches Me Gayness

Lonely Author Pounded By Dinosaur Social Media Followers

President Domald Loch Ness Tromp Pounds America’s Butt

Pharma Bro Pounded In The Butt By T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky And A Clan Of Triceratops Rappers Trying To Get Their Album Back

Dinosaur Magicians Pinn And Tucker Make Their Weiners Disappear In My Butt

Schrodinger’s Butt

Space Raptor Butt Invasion

Space Raptor Butt Redemption

Space Raptor Butt Ascension

Space Raptor Butt Trilogy

Stranger Pounds

Chef Woolly Mammoth Eats My Butt

Domald Tromp Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Russian T-Rex Who Also Peed On His Butt And Then Blackmailed Him With The Video Of His Butt Getting Peed On

Slammed In The Butt By The Prehistoric Megalodon Shark Amid Accusations Of Jumping Over Him

Butt Butt Land: Ryan Goslins And The City Of Butts

Open Wide For The Handsome Sabertooth Dentist Who Is Also A Ghost

England’s Ass Is Haunted By A Hung Parliament

T-Rex Anal Workout

Game Of Butts: The Pounds Of Winter

The Call If Coming From Inside Your Butt

The Hard Way: Anally Seduced By The Handsome Pterodactyl High Roller

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Butt Raptor

Slammed In The Butt By A Poorly Rendered Computer Generated Blue Genie

Dressed Up Handsome And Not Pounded Because Cosplay Is Not Consent

Revengers Buttgame: Antguy Gets Small To Go Into Thamos’ Butt And Then Gets Big And Hard

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 1

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 2

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 3

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 4

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 5

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 6

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 7

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 8

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 9

Unicorn Tinglers

Taken By The Gay Unicorn Biker

My Ass Is Haunted By The Gay Unicorn Colonel

Pounded By The Gay Unicorn Football Squad

Unicorn Butt Cops: Beach Patrol

Anally Yours, The Unicorn Sailor

Top Horn: Turned Gay By The Unicorn Pilots

Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

Butt Wars: Rogue Buns

Fake News, Real Boners

Heavy Metal Unicorn Lawyer Sings Into My Butthole Legally

Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 1

Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 2

Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 3

Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 4

Bigfoot Tinglers

Pounded By President Bigfoot

Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting

Seduced By Doctor Bigfoot: Attorney At Large

Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

The Curse Of Bigfoot Butt Camp

Bigfoot Settler’s Claim My Butthole

Dan Bigfootzerian Parties In My Butthole With His Billionaire Lifestyle

Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate My Butt And Pound It

Pokebutt Go: Pounded By ‘Em All

The Butt Files: The Case Of Bigfoot’s Weiner

Buttnite Buttle Royale

Don’t Vote For Virginia Congressional Hopeful Denber Wiggleman Because He Is Full Of Hate, Not Because Bigfoot Makes Him Hard

Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 1

Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 2

Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 3

Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 4

Living Object Tinglers

I’m Gay For My Living Billionaire Jet Plane

Trained By The Living Biker Train

Pounded By The Gay Color Changing Dress

Turned Gay By The Living Alpha Diner

Glazed By The Gay Living Donuts

Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt

Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”

Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt’”

Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”’”

Buttception: A Butt Within A Butt Within A Butt

Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

Shared By The Chocolate Milk Cowboys

Reamed By My Reaction To The Title Of This Book

Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn

Slammed Up The Butt By My Hot Coffee Boss

The State Of California Stalks My Butthole

Pounded In The Butt By My Leaked Mashly Addison Data

Happy Birthday Frankenstein, Now Pound My Butt

Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups

Monday Pounds Me In The Butt

Creamed In The Butt By My Handsome Living Corn

Slammed In The Butthole By My Concept Of Linear Time

Pounded By My Handsome Ghost Boats

Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union

Slammed By The Substantial Amount Of Press Generated By My Book “Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union”

Slammed In The Butt By Domald Tromp’s Attempt To Avoid Accusations Of Plagiarism By Removing All Facts Of Concrete Plans From His Republican National Convention Speech

First Buckaroo Bill Pounded By The Handsome Living White House

Pounded In The Butt By My Hugo Award Loss

Kissed On The Weiner By My Own Weiner

Slammed In The Butt By My Smartphone’s Missing Headphone Jack

Brangelina Splits Apart And Then Pounds Their Own Butt

Pounded In The Butt By My Constantly Changing Thoughts On The Ongoing Mystery Of Chuck Tingle’s Real Identity

Slammed In The Butt By The Handsome Sentient Manifestation Of Election Day

Hard For Hardwick: Pounded In The Butt By The Physical Manifestation Of My Own Handsome Late Night Comedy Show

Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Physical Manifestation Of The Year 2016

Redacted In The Butt By Redacted Under The Tromp Administration

Pounded By The Sentient Manifestation Of My Incorrectly Announced Best Picture Winner

Domald Tromp Pounded In The Butt By His Fabricated Wiretapping Scandal Made Up To Redirect Focus Away From His Seemingly Endless Unethical Connections To Russia

The Handsome Pretendo Swap Joysicks And Portable Screen Slam My Butt While Also Allowing Me To Control My Game

Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Manifestation Of My Own Ignorant Climate Change Denial

Pounded In The Butt By My Second Hugo Award Nomination

Domald Tromp’s Ass Is Haunted By The Handsome Ghost Of His Incriminating Tax Returns

Pounded In The Wallet And The Butt By The Failed Fyber Music Festival

I’m In Love With The Handsome Mummy Racecar In My Butt

Living Corn James Corny Fired In The Butt

Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”’”’”

Slammed By My Handsome Fidget Spinner

Pounded In The Butt By Covfefe

There’s A Bitcoin In My Butt And He Is Handsome

Domald Tromp Jr. Slammed In The Butt By His Secret Russian Meetings And The Grossly Incompetent Cover Up Shortly Thereafter

Pounded In The Butt By The Fact That It Took Less Time For This Book To Be Written And Published Than The Entire Length Of Tony Scarymoochy’s Term As White House Communications Director

My Butt Is Comforted By The Realization That I’m Okay And Everything Will Be Alright

Billionaire Elons Mugg Takes The Handsome Planet Mars In His Butt

The Handsome Physical Manifestation Of Autumn Turns Me Gay

Pounded By The Handsome Zombie Elevator Who Is Also A Lawyer

Sentient Fort Pauls Manofort Is Charged In The Butt While Tromp’s Foreign Policy Advisor Georgie Papadop Admits He Lied About Hiding Inside

Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Physical Manifestation Of Holiday Shopping

Sentient Phantom Tow Truck Pounds My Butt

Slammed In The Butt By My Handsome Laundry Detergent Pod

Taken Hotly By My Handsome Physically Manifested Hot Take

Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Physical Manifestation Of Valentine’s Day

My Handsome Mountain Bike Is A Doctor And He Pounds My Butt

Rammed In The Butt By The Handsome Sentient Manifestation Of Traffic Who Is A Bad Boy

Pounded In The Butt By My Podcast “Night Vale Presents Pounded In The Butt By My Podcast With Chuck Tingle”

News Commentator Sam Hannity Pounded In The Butt By The Fact That He Didn’t Disclose He Has The Same Lawyer As The President

Seduced By The Handsome Physically Manifested Sound That Some People Hear As Yanny And Others Hear As Laurel

Tuesday Pounds Me In The Butt

Wednesday Pounds Me In The Butt

Thursday Pounds Me In The Butt

Friday Pounds Me In The Butt

Saturday Pounds Me In The Butt

Sunday Pounds Me In The Butt

A Pound A Day Keeps The Butt OK: 7 Hardcore Tales Of Physically Manifested Days Of The Week

The Banana In My Butt Is A Handsome Lifeguard

Veep Throat: Mike Bence Pounded In The Butt By The Word Lodestar

Wereplane Butt Party

Pounded In The Butt By The Blue Wave

Pounded In The Butt By The Unexpectedly Early Arrival Of Christmas Decorations

Not Pounded In The Butt By Anything And That’s Okay

Not Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Not Pounded In The Butt By Anything And That’s Okay” And That’s Okay

Pounded In The Butt By The Physical Manifestation Of Awkward Political Dinner Discussion Over The Thanksgiving Holiday

The Federal Government Shuts Down My Butt

Slammed In The Butt By My Sentient Plant Based Vegetarian Cheeseburger

Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Sentient Manifestation Of My Twitch Stream

There’s A Polar Vortex In My Butt And He Is Handsome

Not Pounded At The Last Second Because Consent Can Be Given And Revoked At Any Moment And This Is A Wonderful Thing That’s Important To Understand

The Analboros: A Collection Of Recursive Butt Pounding Tales

Canada Pounds My Butt And Covers My Pancakes With Real Maple Syrup In An Erotic Way Also It Is Delicious

Pounded In The Butt By The Crushing Existential Weight Of Sentient Self-Awareness

Quietly Pounded In The Butt By ASMR

Brexit Pounds My Butt Then Thankfully Decides Not To Exit It

Pounded In The Butt By Fan Fiction Hosting Website Archive Of Our Own’s Hugo Award Nomination

The Entire Continent Of Australia Pounds Me In The Butt

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 1

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 2

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 3

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 4

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 5

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 6

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 7

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 8

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 9

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 10

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 11

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 12

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 13

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 14

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 15

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 16

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 17

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 18

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 19

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 20

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 21

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 21

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 22

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 23

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 24

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 25

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 26

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 27

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 28

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 29

Chuck’s Living Object Tinglers: Volume 30

Self Help

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide To Romance

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide To Sport

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide To The Void

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide To Film

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s Complete Guide To Time

Novels/Other

Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass (A Novel)

Buttageddon: The Final Days Of Pounding Ass

Scary Stories To Tingle Your Butt: 7 Gay Tales Of Terror

Scary Stories To Tingle Your Butt: 7 Gay Tales Of Terror Vol. 2

Pounded By Politics: Nine Tales Of Civic Butthole Diplomacy

Pounded By Politics Again: Nine More Tales Of Civic Butthole Diplomacy

Breaking The Fourth Butt: Eight Hot-To-Trot Meta Tinglers

Breaking The Fourth Butt Volume 2: Eight More Hot-To-Trot Meta Tinglers

Handsome Sentient Food Pounds My Butt And Turns Me Gay: Eight Tales Of Hot Food And Beverage Love

About Dr. Tingle…

Dr. Chuck Tingle is a Hugo Nominated erotic author and Tae Kwon Do grandmaster (almost black belt) from Billings, Montana. After receiving his PhD at DeVry University in holistic massage, Chuck found himself fascinated by all things sensual, leading to his creation of the "tingler", a story so blissfully erotic that it cannot be experienced without eliciting a sharp tingle down the spine. Chuck's hobbies include backpacking, checkers and sport.

If you would like to know more about Dr. Tingle, you may visit his website or write to him at ChuckTheTingler@gmail.com

Sign up for Chuck’s mailing list here.