Chapter 2
Making a Start
In the universe there is an unmeasurable, indescribable force which sorcerers call INTENT, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to INTENT by a connecting link.
Carlos Castaneda
Set Your Intention
In order to begin to love ourselves, we must first be aware that currently, we do not love ourselves in a healthy way. Or maybe we love ourselves a little, but not a lot, not enough. Or maybe not at all. If the title of this book resonated with you, that is an indication from your soul that more self-love is needed. Loving the self unconditionally starts by accepting the self unconditionally as we are right here, right now. Take heart: love comes on a continuum. We do not have to go from self-hatred or neglect to unconditional love in one mighty leap. We can start by forgiving ourselves for anything we perceive that we did or didn’t do. From there we can begin to soften our hearts towards ourselves. We can start saying Yes to ourselves instead of always saying No. We can start allowing ourselves to receive, instead of always giving out heart energy. By doing this, we begin to learn that giving and receiving are equally important. We start being fairer with ourselves. And remember, we don’t have to do it all in the one day.
The place to start the process of loving yourself in less than fifty years is with intention. The energy of intention links us to all causality and effect. Intention sets direction and is the conduit for healing and manifestation.
Setting the intention of loving yourself unconditionally lays the foundation for it to occur in actuality. When you start the work of loving yourself, the Universe opens up new ways of being in the world, new perspectives, new people, and new options to play, work and be. It is up to us to seize those opportunities, and use them so that when dying, we can look back on a life well lived, and a life lived to the full.
If you are unclear about your intentions, here are three great questions to help: take your time writing the answers and remember the answers are not set in stone. What we want now will not be the same in five years’ time because we will be different people then. When you set sail in a boat, you may have a destination in mind - but to stay on course requires a constant adjustment of the tiller.
1. What do you want to experience?
2. How do you want to grow?
3. How do you want to serve the world?
Once you have created your intentions, write them down, including your intention to learn how to love yourself. Sign and date the page. Commit to it. Decide that you will do whatever it takes to love yourself more in a healthy way. Focusing your attention on your intentions creates growth.
We also need to add appropriate action to the equation. For instance, if I want to sell a car, I need to set the intention of selling it, focus my attention on selling it, and take the action of advertising it in order to sell it.
Clear Intention + Attention + Appropriate Action = Positive Change.
The First Step
This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.
The 14 th Dalai Lama
Once you have set your intentions, the first step is to decide to start being kind to yourself. If you have not directed kindness or compassion to yourself before, this can be much harder than you might expect. You must constantly select the kinder option when faced with choice. To determine the kindest option, answer this question again and again:
“If I really valued and loved myself, I would.........”
Each time you make a decision to be kind and loving to yourself, you are aligning with the Divine. That’s all it takes, awareness that you have a choice using free will, and then consciously deciding on being kind to yourself. It also helps to decide to become more conscious generally. When we begin to realise our own true value in our own eyes, it spurs us on to act differently and more lovingly towards ourselves. The more we do this to ourselves the more we are able to offer authentic kindness and compassion to others.
Simple kindness to one’s self and all that lives is the most powerful transformational force of all.
Dr David Hawkins, Power vs. Force
We have been taught to put others before ourselves. This is a mistake. The truth is that we are equal to others. We all need kindness. To be kind to others without being kind to yourself is self-abusive. It starves you of the nurturance of love and leaves you depleted. In that depleted state, you have no authentic energy to offer others. It comes from a place of great effort. Effort and struggle are the coin of the ego. Soul living is effortless because it is the flow of unconditional love.
If we could just see, even for a moment, how amazing and perfect we are exactly as we are, even with all our imperfections, our lives would be changed forever. Our true nature is that we are Divine beings of energy and light in a physical body. Our consciousness survives beyond the body. We are sparks of Divine unconditional love.
Excavation
A shard of ancient pottery is found on the surface of the ground. It indicates that there may be hidden treasure beneath. When the archaeologist digs, she digs carefully. It is more of a brushing, a sweeping, a clearing, and a filtering process than actual digging. One excavation tool is a sieve; it allows dirt and dust to be discarded and the valuable nuggets to be identified and kept. Michelangelo worked in the same way, to “release what was already there” in the stone. He discarded the parts that did not fit the emerging creation.
We need to engage in a continual “sieving” of ourselves in order to let go of parts of ourselves or our lives that no longer fit. By doing so, we make space for our souls to emerge, blinking, into the light. We can set our intentions then, that we will be peaceful, loving, happy, joyful and abundant – but if we continually make space for growth, these are all our natural soul qualities anyway. Our work is not to add anything to ourselves, just to let go of any misperceptions about who we really are.
All we have to do is make a start. Then keep going, gently and gradually, until we emerge, gasping for breath, from the debris. We emerge into our own lives as if we had never seen them before, and indeed, for most of us – we haven’t. We have never seen or been our authentic selves before. How will we know when we are arriving at our true selves? An upsurge of energy. An upsurge of enthusiasm for life. Feelings of happiness and contentment and even joy sometimes. The urge to dance, play or create. These are all signs that our souls are emerging from the darkness. This is our true divine nature. Let’s party!
Growing Self Awareness through Enquiry
I own me and therefore, I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
Virginia Satir
To learn to love ourselves, we need to be in a constant state of enquiry which feeds our growing self-awareness. Here are some questions that I have found useful to ask on an ongoing basis:
Who am I?
What do I want?
What does my soul want?
How will I know when I have what my soul wants?
What did I come into this life to do or be?
How can I serve the Universe today?
What have I learned this week? This year?
How can I do things better from now on?
What will be fun and joyful for me to do or explore?
And, once again - If I really valued and loved myself, I would.........
So what are YOUR questions? Write them, and your answers in your journal.
Appreciation
A simple way to make progress in loving ourselves is the practice of self-appreciation. There will be those among you who shudder at the thought, inured as you were to steer clear of “thinking you were great” in case you “lost the run of yourself and got notions.” Don’t be alarmed. True self-appreciation is sincere and humble gratitude to the Creator spirit for the good being you already are. Appreciation moves you to a higher vibration. It is a higher state of being. Most of us, especially women, have at least one part of our bodies that we wish was different. This is due in part to the images of beauty portrayed in the media. In actual fact, our bodies are amazing, exactly as they are. It is usually only when we become ill or lose a body part that we begin to appreciate our good health. We take good health for granted so much of the time. But we do not have to wait until illness strikes to appreciate what we have. Answer this question: what part, system or organ of your body would you be willing to do without right now?
Exercise: Self-Appreciation
Put aside five minutes every day. Look in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye and smile. Put the first two fingers of your right hand on your heart. Repeat to yourself out loud: “I accept myself as I am now. I like who I am. I acknowledge my needs and meet them in a kind and loving way.” There may be other truthful and kind words you need to hear out loud. Say them. Finish by saying the cheerful if ungrammatical “Well Done Me!”
Appreciation Inventory
Make a list of your gifts and blessings in your journal. Include everything. The list will be long. For example, include health, (work if you have it,) family, friends, pets, a home, food, nature, holidays.......just for a start. If you have ever gone backpacking, you may have had the experience of going a long time without access to a shower, or maybe good food. I guarantee you that when you eventually got that shower or meal, you appreciated it like never before! If you are not used to thinking about the gifts you have to offer the world, ask a trusted friend to reflect them back to you. An example of a gift is being a good listener or a clear thinker. Give thanks for your gifts and blessings. This is enlightened self-interest, because whatever we focus on increases.