Chapter 8
Becoming Still To Learn: Mindfulness
If we knew how important meditation was for the world, we would meditate as if our hair was on fire.
Pema Chodron
Mindfulness is the practice of staying present in the moment. It is also called mindfulness meditation and is a type of focused attention. It is a way of being, as opposed to a means to an end. It promotes the understanding that we are already whole. It can be done sitting still, or simply by bringing attention to what is happening right now, whether that is cooking or walking. It offers a comfort zone of stability in the midst of change and chaos. What is most helpful is to cultivate a daily practice, as opposed to doing it once a week or going to a mindfulness retreat once a year. Even five or ten minutes a day will have a huge payoff in terms of increasing self-awareness, calming the nervous system and bringing peace. It softens the ego’s sense of being separate and gives us a sense of connection and wholeness.
Through the daily practice of sitting meditation or mindfulness we can begin to treat ourselves with more softness. Many religious or cultural messages tell us that to love oneself is selfish and wrong, and that we should put others first. In fact, until we love ourselves we are shutting off part of our hearts. The message we give to ourselves is: “I’m not worth loving. I don’t deserve.” Quantum physics teaches us that our thoughts create our reality. If we do not love ourselves, how can we truly love others? As we begin to accept ourselves as we are and open to really loving ourselves unconditionally, our world expands. We start inviting in what we are giving out: unconditional acceptance and love. In accepting ourselves we automatically become less judgemental of others. What we are striving for is tenderness. We all have a soft spot for someone: our father, our child, our cat perhaps. It helps to sit quietly and bring into our heart that tenderness towards, for example, our cat. From there we can begin to open our hearts to ourselves and let ourselves in, instead of constantly judging ourselves and finding ourselves wanting. The gentler we are with ourselves, the gentler we are with others. So loving Tiddles can begin to engender peace in ourselves and widen to bring more peace into the world. It is a practice. It is a process. It never ends. And that is okay.
Mindfulness is about experiencing the world through the senses; what am I seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting right now? That is why enlightenment is called waking up. Directly sensing the world puts you back in control of your world because you can make new choices and bring your intentions and actions into alignment. Headless chicken living calls you to compare yourself to others and compete with them. The ego always tries to persuade us that in order for us to win, they have to lose. It keeps us stuck in duality. Mindfulness allows you to create mental space, and in that space you can observe your thoughts. They arise and then they fade away. When they fade away you are still there. This experience teaches us that we are not our thoughts. We are more than our thoughts. The same happens with feelings. They come, they go, and we are still here. They can feel very strong, almost overwhelming, but if we practice mindfulness, we take ourselves back from the edge. We regain control, and there is a proven correlation between feeling in control and low stress levels. Mindfulness allows us to access our treasure trove of inner resources that we are usually cut off from by mindless living. The practice encourages acceptance which is different from resignation. Resignation is passive, apathetic and admits defeat. Acceptance is surrendering to the moment, freeing up a huge amount of energy for life. Resilience improves, as does inner strength, happiness, and joyfulness.
“Doing” mind or ego mind is not an enemy and indeed we couldn’t live without it, but it is only suitable for some jobs and not for all tasks of life. There’s a saying in Ireland about alcohol or “Drink” as it is better known! “It makes a good servant and a poor master.” The same could be said of the ego. When the ego is in charge, we are filled with fears and insecurities and life is a nightmare. When the ego is servant to the Higher Self life is good.
The Gifts of Mindfulness
Teach every eight year old to meditate and we will have eliminated world conflict in one generation.
Dalai Lama
More Self-Awareness
The practice of mindfulness makes us more aware of our thoughts and emotions. It helps us to get to know ourselves better. The practice of mindfulness cultivates the reining in of wayward thoughts that hijack our peacefulness. It helps us redirect our attention towards thoughts that are kind to ourselves. Weakening the ego frees up energy for intensified perception of the beauty of nature and life. It also improves self-discipline, in the following way: we find that our thoughts have wandered and then bring them back to the desired focus of attention. By doing this practice, we lay down the neural pathway for the habit of being able to focus on what we want to focus on. The mind then unconsciously extrapolates from this practice: oh, if I can do this during mindfulness I can also do it while I am working or practising my music/art.
Mindfulness has taught me that I am neither as good as I would like to believe nor as bad as I feared! Phew! I’m average. I’m human. Pretty much the same as most people. And that’s a great connector. So mindfulness connects rather than isolates us. As we come to accept our own shadow selves, we are better equipped to accept others as well. Getting to know ourselves better is also helped by reflection from trusted others, so that we can learn who and how we are in the world.
In the stillness of sitting for meditation, awareness can arise. It has the chance to be heard and felt which it doesn’t usually have in the rush of our everyday lives. At one time I went through a five year period of stress, loss and grieving. One morning when I was meditating I realised I had become isolated during those years. I had let go of friendships because I was too busy trying to survive. I became aware that during times of stress, one of my patterns is to retreat into my cave. But we are a social species and now the isolation was beginning to hurt. I resolved to start reaching out to people: to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones too. Once an unhealthy pattern emerges into awareness, we have the power to change it for the better. I didn’t always find it easy to reach out to people, but I made a start.
One of the tools that supported me in those years of stress was journaling which can put a structure on a wayward internal world. In the new study field of physical intelligence, one experiment divided students into two groups, and asked them to write about a decision that they regretted. 4 One group handed over the piece of paper they had written on, while the second group placed it in an envelope before handing it over. They were then asked to rate how negative they felt about the event. Those who had placed the paper in an envelope felt less negative. It was thought that the reason for this was the metaphorical sealing up of the event in the envelope. This ritual can therefore help us release past negative events - by writing them down, sealing them in an envelope – and then burning it safely to release them. It unburdens the soul when we take our thoughts out of our heads and share them, even if it is just with a clean page. It takes the power out of the murky depths and makes the dark thoughts and bad days more manageable. So there is always someone there for us, even if it is just ourselves. We can be our own most powerful and loyal supporter and ally.
Overcoming Opposition
We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opposition. No-one is encouraging us to open and still we must peel away the layers of the heart.
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Quite often the main source of opposition is our own subconscious mind. It is not surprising when you think about it. We spend years being conditioned by family, society and culture to be a certain way. We are told it is good to be compliant, to keep the rules, to be quiet, to bite back the unbidden retort that comes directly from the heart. We are rewarded for being meek or subservient or appearing calm. We are rewarded for not rocking the boat. This gives the message to our subconscious minds that one part of us is acceptable while other parts are not. We may then unconsciously block ourselves through the mistaken belief that we “don’t deserve” good things. Any such belief creates our reality. Even if we find evidence to the contrary of the belief, it will be discounted by our perceptual filter! But those unwanted parts don’t go away. They just go underground and emerge eventually, getting our attention through behaviour or habits that cause problems. The practice of sitting still mindfully begins the work of reclaiming those lost parts of ourselves that wanted to shout “Yes” to life, but never got the chance.
One girl I knew said that she had tried mindfulness, but gave it up because she couldn’t do it as her thoughts kept skittering away. I explained that this is why it is called a practice; it is like trying to keep a toddler sitting on a picnic rug when he wants to be off exploring. You pick him up and put him back down on the rug. In the same way, when our thoughts inevitably wander, once we become aware of the wandering, we just pick them up, label them “Thinking, Thinking,” and start again. Or as another piece of sage advice goes – If you are in the kitchen on your own cooking the dinner and the roast falls to the floor, pick it up - because no-one will know!
Compassion
Compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others. It crushes and destroys the pain of others; thus, it is called compassion. It is called compassion because it shelters and embraces the distressed.
Buddha
Compassion expresses the intention of moving from judgement to caring, and from isolation to connection. It is a skill that can be expanded and enhanced with training and practice. Compassion leads to an increase in the DHEA hormone which fights and counteracts the aging process while reducing cortisol, the stress hormone.
The path of compassion does not obligate you to love everyone regardless of how they act or who they are. It is a path of seeing the truth of who they are, acknowledging all their parts...and asking is there anything you can do to heal, assist or bring them in touch with their own higher vision. If there is not, then you are pulling down your own energy by spending time with them.
Sanaya Roman
I have often planted seeds or flowers that took years to bear fruit. I found a rose named Compassion. When I planted it I thought I needed more compassion for others. Now I understand that I needed more compassion for myself and my own struggles. Self-love needs to come first and it then engenders more real love for others. We cannot be more to others than we are to ourselves without a huge cost to our hearts. When we have compassion for ourselves, the identity shift is from the ego to the witness. And as that observer or witness, we can just allow ourselves to be as we are, which is a great relief and a letting go of the strain of trying to be what we are not.
Because we see our thoughts and emotions with compassion, we stop struggling against ourselves.
Pema Chodron
Mindfulness generates compassion. As we stop struggling against ourselves we start being able to allow new energy to flow through us and manifest in our lives. Mindfulness, as an “open ended inquiry into our experience,” 5(Chodron) leads us to be more open generally. We move away from black or white thinking to direct experience of how things are in the here and now, letting go of wanting them to be a certain way.
The Rapunzel tale tells of a princess locked in a tower who lets her long hair down so that Prince Charming can climb up and free her. The reality is that we have to let our hair down to save ourselves. No-one else is going to save us because no-one else can. Meditation is the key to the locked tower, and once unlocked, we begin to wake up. That is what enlightenment is, waking up to love ourselves and appreciate the amazing world around us. Meditation allows us to use more of our brain power by getting us out of our own way, gently dismantling our inner limits and defences and allowing life to flow through us, unimpeded, without resistance.
Presence versus Absence
Talk when you talk. Walk when you walk. Die when you die.
Zen Proverb
Multitasking is the enemy of presence. I used to be a great multi-tasker. When I started to become mindful, I learned that it was better to just focus on one thing at a time. It allowed me to be more present in my own life and not try to do ten things at one time. So now when I’m eating dinner, instead of reading when I’m alone, I just eat dinner. I look at the plate. After all, I’ve cooked it. I eat a mouthful and notice what it tastes like. If I read while eating, I look down after a while and the food is gone but I don’t remember eating it. I want to lie on my deathbed and remember the important bits of my life. Starting with dinner is as good a place as any. I am not always mindful, but I’m more aware of trying to be mindful now. I practice. It’s a start.
Sometimes I really focus, and the rewards are great. I really look and really see. It used to be that those vivid moments of connection with the present moment were rare; thanks to my daily practice of mindfulness, they are becoming more frequent. This morning I breathed in, breathed out as I walked. I looked at the sea and the clouds and the distant hills. I heard the crow cawing on the telephone pole. I heard the waves lapping against the rocks, the sound of the dog’s claws on the cement path. I looked and listened as if I would go blind and deaf tomorrow. I was there. This is what my practice is teaching me: to finally descend into my body after fifty years of being absent. To be more fully present in my own life. Mindfulness also yields the gift of our compassionate, attentive presence to others.
Emotions and Mindfulness
Emotion is a process that alerts us to important cues and prepares us to act on them. It includes the perception that something is important, then a body response, an interpretation of the meaning of the cue and then an action. Anger, for example, is a signal that our boundaries have been transgressed. In the body, it is usually experienced in the abdomen and/or back of the neck. On feeling threatened, we get a shot of adrenaline to fuel our fight, flight or freeze mechanism. It stimulates us to take action.
Balanced emotions are neither chaotic nor rigid. The human system is designed to work best in a state of homeostasis or balance. Therefore strong unwelcome emotions are best released to allow health. No strong emotion goes away until it is acknowledged, processed and given space to breathe. Strong emotions also have a message for us; it is important to take the time to listen to what they are telling us, and to take appropriate action. They can be repressed, but it is like trying to keep a balloon under water – it pops back up. Repression uses up a huge amount of life force. It is like having to drag around a huge sack containing all those Things You Don’t Want to Face.
If we try to suppress strong emotions by blocking or denying them, they get stuck first in our energy fields, then in our bodies and eventually cause us physical ailments, like low vitality, chronic headaches, or back pains.
Feelings are the language of the soul. In the quiet awareness of mindfulness, any strong, difficult emotion such as anger may arise. When we allow ourselves permission to feel what we feel, without judging ourselves, strong feelings may erupt and pour out of us like a torrent. As we give them permission to be and to flow, emotions eventually subside like flood waters after the storm. They are free to go. In allowing the emotion to be as it is, we are also giving ourselves permission to be as we are, in this moment. There is spaciousness and freedom in that. Letting go of strong emotions gives our souls room to breathe.
Many difficult emotions can be processed through mindfulness, by talking with a wise trusted friend, or through dance or art. But as always, if there has been trauma, or if you are doubtful that you can handle the strong emotion by yourself, err on the side of caution and work with a trusted therapist for containment to avoid being overwhelmed by traumatic memories.
About the Body Scan
It is much more important to keep your mindfulness with you than your mobile phone.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Focusing on our own breath teaches us something very fundamental that many of us have lost: to focus inwards, on ourselves, and begin finding out what is true for us. Beginning to find that we can trust our own body to tell us how we are, our own experience, wisdom and intuition to guide us is a giant step towards reclaiming our power. Instead of constantly looking for answers in the external world, we look to ourselves. The excitement of the next book, teacher, guru or workshop is gradually replaced by the awareness that we can be our own best teacher. Just us and our own breath of awareness.
The practice of the body scan in mindfulness allows us to descend into our bodies. We become absent from our bodies when we live too much in our heads, ruminating over the past or projecting into the future. Being past-focused keeps us mired in stuckness and depression. Living in the future creates anxiety. Future living is the realm of the ego because it is usually fear-based. The ego is thrilled when we are catastrophising in the future. Another reason for being out of our bodies is early trauma, as mentioned before. So it can take a long time to convince our spirit to return to the body. To become whole again. It is like trying to tame a feral cat. You start leaving food out at the end of the garden. The food disappears, so you know the cat is there but you never see it. With patience, gentleness and kindness, eventually you may coax the animal into trusting you and coming inside. It takes as long as it takes to reunite us with ourselves.
The practice of mindfulness, especially the body scan, is a major help. This deceptively simple practice begins to give the message to our subconscious minds that our bodies are fine as they are. They are acceptable exactly as they are. The subconscious mind extrapolates from this and begins to understand that if this is true, then all parts of us are acceptable exactly as they are. It is the antithesis of what we are conditioned to believe. As we do this daily practice, various repressed emotions may arise such as grief, loss, or anger. Whatever arises, just sit with the feelings and let the tears flow and notice that the feelings come, and then they go. Like waves breaking on the shore. Life comes and then goes. This is what the daily mindfulness practice teaches us. Life comes and then goes. In that learning, we begin to value ourselves and our lives more highly. We begin to be more present in our lives instead of thundering through in a rush of commuting and deadlines and duties. In lucid dreaming, we are aware that we are dreaming. As we practice mindfulness, we become aware that we are living. We have more lucid moments where we actually notice where we are and what is happening. Thus the armoured, icy layers of the heart begin to melt in the sunlight of gentle awareness.
When we begin to be present, anything and anyone can be our teacher. Our minds naturally say, “Oh, this is like that.” Life teaches us through everyday things. This is the fruit of the practice of the body scan, where we accept what we find within our physical bodies and let go of the need to have things a certain way. When we start doing that with the body, it spreads out like the ripples from a stone in a lake, affecting our whole lives.
When you rest your awareness in the heart, it is profoundly healing. The heart space opens up, like a deer emerging into a forest clearing. The heart and whole inner self become spacious. And into that space comes peace – “Peace comes dropping slow,” 6 as Yeats said. What also arises is the possibility of a new way of being in the world.
Exercise: The Body Scan
Switch off the phone and make yourself comfortable. Take a deep breath in and as you breathe out, allow your eyes to close. Focus your attention on your breathing. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in deep relaxation. As you breathe out, you are beginning to let go. Allow yourself to become quiet inside.
Focus gentle attention on the feet and toes and ask, what is happening here? What do I sense? Notice what is present. Then release them into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your lower legs. Notice what is present. Release them into loving awareness with thanks. Your thoughts may wander, and if they do, when you become aware of it, just say: Thinking, Thinking, and come back to the body.
Focus on your knees. Notice what is present. Release them into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your thighs. Notice what is present. Release them into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your pelvis and all the organs within it. Notice what is present. Release the area into loving awareness with thanks. If your thoughts wander into the future or past, when you become aware of it, just say: Planning, Planning, or Remembering, Remembering, and then gently come back to the body.
Focus on your lower, middle and upper back. Notice what is present. Release it into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your abdomen. Notice what is present. Release it into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your heart. Notice what is present. Release it into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your arms and hands. Notice what is present. Release them into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your shoulders, neck and throat. Notice what is present. Release the area into loving awareness with thanks. Focus on your jaw, lips, nose, cheeks, eyes, forehead, scalp and ears. Notice what is present. Release the area into loving awareness with thanks. When you open your eyes, you easily return to full normal awareness feeling calm and relaxed.