her favorite color

was yellow

poetry by

edgar holmes

(c) 2017 Edgar Holmes

CHAPTERS

Chapter One

Yellow

Chapter Two

Roses

Chapter Three

Meadows

Chapter Four

Sunlight

dedicated to my loving wife

without you,

my pen would run dry

and i

would be nothing.

may her love touch you

through these pages

as it has touched me

through my life

-edgar holmes

Chapter One

Yellow

the moment i met her

my soul begged of me

to make her mine

it was as if

in the moment

i looked at her

i discovered

my life’s purpose

and that

is how i fell for her

most of our lives

are spent

convincing our minds

of what the heart

already knows

when i first looked

into her eyes

i felt like i was

looking into the eyes

of someone

i had somehow

just now met

for the first time

and had yet

somehow also known

for my whole my life

freedom.

that’s what her spirit

seemed to whisper

under her mask

freedom.

i can teach you

to be free.

i feel as if

i can tell you things

i would never tell

anyone else

you and i

are two souls

on the same

f r e q u e n c y

people don’t tell you

who they are

up front

you have to find out

digging deep

before they reveal

their truest nature

this is the process

of making true friends

or deadly enemies

i decided to write down

everything i felt

about you

the highs and lows

the melodic complexity

of it all

i wrote it all down

sealed it into a letter

and burned it.

there is a power

between

the two of us

an electricity

we could power a city with

if only we knew how

there is something

between us

you and i

some kind

of magic

do you feel that?

the cackling energy

in the space

between our fingertips

as if the universe

is begging

for us to touch

looking back on things

i should have

declared my love for you

the moment i met you

if only

to have a few more weeks

together

my heart

my life

my soul

my everything

you.

my love for you

is etched by fire

and seared with pain

into my heart

i will never let you go

oh sweet love of mine

broken dreams

broken bottles

falling back in love

with memories of you

broken.

we either enter

or leave

this world

as such

this is our lot

as human beings

destined to live

with knowledge of pain.

when i was younger

i believed

i could reach

for the stars

now that i’m older

my feet

have remained

planted on this earth

and i, tearfully

holding my head

in my hands

wondering

if things

could’ve been

d i f f e r e n t . . .

the night i met her

i prayed to god;

i got on my knees

at my bedside

and i prayed

like never before

“if you just give me her

i’ll give up

everything else;

wealth, fame, popularity

anything.

anything, anything for her.”

and i’m so glad

that i did.

we are not born

to just

eat

work

sleep

fuck

and

die.

tell me your deepest secrets

yes, the ones

you don’t even think about

to yourself

in fear that they might

somehow slip out

of your brain

tell me everything

i want to know

the

f i n g e r p r i n t s

of your soul

i swear, darling

the night we got together

the stars rejoiced

and angels danced

looking back, it’s hard to remember

just how badly life sucked

before i had her

the loneliness

the anxiety

the insecurity

how did i live

without her?

i saw her dancing

with another man

and i swear

i nearly died inside

i vowed to earn her love

and make her mine

and dance with her

throughout eternity

i want to tell you

all the small details

of my day

and listen

as you tell me

about yours

i want to be intimate

with you

verbally

spiritually

physically

i want

to be as much yours

as you are mine

so help me god.

as i walk this street alone

in the darkest of nights

in the midst of winter

watching the flickering

of streetlamps

i can’t help but wish

you were with me

so i could share

even the dullest of moments

with you

in our darkest hours

brooding upon our fates

we finally understand

what we want

and who we are

x

Chapter Two

Roses

nothing makes me feel

quite so alive

as her.

the campfire

burned

brightly

we looked

up

at the stars

and i swear

i saw our paths

collide

in the cosmos

emotions fade

but feelings don't

and i feel

just as in love

with you now

as i did

the moment i knew

i loved you

if you loved me forever

everything would be okay

you

me

you always did look so good

on top

lust isn’t love

but lust

is just one

of the many ways

by which i love you

somehow

you were always able

to kiss anything better

even

a broken heart

i caught feelings for you

before i truly knew

what those feelings meant

you’ve got to get comfortable with the void.

the void that appears before you

in the midst of important decisions

the void where infinite possibility and infinite brokenness live together.

gaze into it and see yourself.

woman, you make me feel

so goddamn lucky.

“bury me with roses,”

she said to me,

“bury me with seeds

so that even my death

may make the world

a little more

beautiful.”

i almost wish

i had a narrator

of my life

who would expose

my inner thoughts

and feelings

and make them known

perhaps then you would known

there is not a shred of untruth

when i tell you

i love you

she must have found

the fountain of youth

and surely

she drinks from it

every day

if i do nothing else

in this life

but tell you

how beautiful you are

i will consider it

worth it.

you are

everything good

about me

perhaps i care too much

and that has caused me

a tremendous amount of pain

during my life

but in you i found someone

who saw how much i cared

and appreciated it

and even returned it tenfold

and so i consider the pain

more than worth it.

i promise you

as long as i’m alive

you will have flowers

on your dresser

and shoulder rubs

when you’re stressed

as long as i’m alive

i promise you

i will love you

with everything i am.

it would take me

an eternity

to tell you

all the ways

i love you..

but let me try.

there is something

so beautiful

about the way

our hands

intertwine.

i will make you happy

and die trying

for i will never

take you for granted.

i don’t care

if i get to have

all the things

i always dreamed

of having

all i really care about

is having you.

the dance of romance

went on and on

and we danced with other people

i couldn’t help

but look at you

and know

that when i got the chance

i would ask you to dance

and i would make you

never want to stop.

i don’t want to escape life

as long as you’re in it

why would i waste a second

i could’ve spent with you?

x

Chapter Three

Meadows

i am endlessly fascinated

by the way it felt

before you were mine

the sheer need

i had never felt before

we were smoking in your car

just friends at the time

we were just talking

about why it feels so good

to kiss another person

-it’s such an odd act

the pressing together

of lips

if you think about it-

we were talking about kissing

and i couldn’t help

but lean over

and kiss you

she was always

a better artist

than me

she seemed to pull

imaginative ideas

out of nowhere

and draw

from an endless fountain

i could only dream of

and yet she looks lovingly

upon what i create

giving me encouragement

i long to be broken by you

in ways no one else has

i would adore the scars you gave me

knowing it meant

i got to be touched

by you

no matter the distance

life puts between us

i know we will always

find our ways back

to each other.

saying goodbye

to you

is a happy thing

because i get to say

hello

all over again

tomorrow

there is nothing

that can quite describe

the agony

of not being yours

so this is what it feels like

to finally meet someone

who exists

on the same frequency

as you do

there’s a harmony to it

a blissful feeling

that we belong together

i want to give you

everything

including

my last name

is it really such a bad thing

that two broken people

should find each other

in the dark of night

and make their own light

together?

you are my sun, moon, and stars

blue. cold. sharp.

the world without you.

in those few days

where we broke up

i realized just how cruel

the world can be

and how cruel you must become

to cope with it

my mind is filled with things i could never express. most of them are about you. perhaps i think about you more than i should. perhaps i am just a sick man, fixated on the idea of a love that can never be. but i will never stop trying.

not until it kills me.

love is happiness and poison.

my darling,

i’ve been looking for you

since i drew my first breath

the imprint of your soul

on mine

was something i knew i needed

since the very beginning

before you, life was like

holding my breath

and you were the oxygen i needed

i never felt

like i was

e n o u g h

for anyone

or anything

until  i met

you

she is so much more

passionate

about things

than i could ever be

the way she talks about

her views on life

and existence

make me fall even further

in love

with who she is.

“you talk about me like i’m some kind of goddess. and maybe you see me that way sometimes.

but remember that i am flawed, i’m just a human being, and i don’t belong on a pedestal.

let them know about my flaws, let them know the ways i’ve hurt you, let them know that i was never perfect. because that’s what love is.

imperfect.

love is two people accepting each others’ imperfections and making it work no matter what.

that’s the kind of love we have- something real, something true, something human.”

you broke every rule for me

when i lose my memory

as i get older

i don’t think i’ll remember

the grand romantic gestures

i think i’ll remember

grocery shopping together

watching tv in our pajamas

the way you made me feel

as if i never had to be alone

when i forget everything else

in life

i will never forget

the way it felt

to be yours.

a string quartet

could not articulate

what i feel

for you

she didn’t like being labelled.

she didn't like being categorized

put in boxes

or told who she was

she was her own person

who defied expectations

and was always

one step ahead

of what everyone thought of her

through the darkest night

as long as i have

you by my side

i will always have

enough

x

Chapter Four

Sunlight

fall in love with someone

who you want to be

more like

she was a mystery

at once unknowable

and intimate

there could never be

anyone like

her.

if you only love her

for what she does for you

you don’t really love her.

the only way

to cheat death

is to adapt

to life.

love is like karma

you get what you give

if you remember

to be grateful

for the good in your life

no one

can truly

hurt you.

question everything

you’re told.

i wish you could see

the universes

i see

behind your eyes

i wish you could see

how truly beautiful

you are

to me

if i could stay

in this very moment

with you

forever

i would.

the art of listening

is underrated

too often we only think

of what we’re going to say

and not really

what the other person is saying

you are my ray of sunshine

there is no mountain

we cannot climb

together

there is no river

too swift

for us to cross

there is nothing

our love

cannot

overcome

most of our lives

are spent

reaching out

into the darkness

searching for

answers

that aren’t there.

all i want

is you

our love is one

forged by fire

and molded by experience

together

we are something

beautiful

you and i

were meant

to be

together

my definition

of perfection

is you

if i ever love

someone else

i know

that it could only be

a cheap charade

an imitation

of what i had

with you

please, god

if nothing else

in this life

let me love her

till the day i die

she’s the type of woman

who knows ‘normal’

isn’t a compliment

i love you

not just to stop

the feeling

of being alone

but because

i’m only my best self

when i’m with you.

every morning

as i wake up

next to you

i thank my lucky stars

that i get to live out

what i used to imagine

as my perfect life

as long as i have you

i am complete.

thank you for reading my debut collection of poetry.

thank you for giving my words a chance and letting me speak my mind.

i am eternally grateful to those who support my creative endeavors; having to work a 9-to-5 job again would be the death of me.

blessings to you and yours, and may you be lucky enough to find a love like i have.

-edgar holmes