JINGLE BALLS

By

Andie M. Long

#Deck the Balls

Dedication

For everyone who has continued to read and support The Balls Series.

It means a lot.

Thank you.

Copyright

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Copyright (c) 2016 by Andrea Long

All rights reserved.

Cover photo from Adobe Stock.

Slang Guide

Dear Reader

As usual to help you if you aren’t British or indeed from Yorkshire, is a handy slang guide.

British/Yorkshire Slang.

Argos catalogue - not slang but you may like to know that this is a catalogue of a shop that sells homeware.

Arse - idiot.

Boots catalogue - comes out every Christmas. Our Boots is similar to Sephora. Sells toiletries and cosmetics.

Fuckwit - stupid idiot.

Lindt Lindor - lovely chocolate balls.

Love - term of endearment.

Pants - panties, knickers. Though we Yorkshire folk also use it for saying somethings not good, “That is pants.”

Plonk - to sit heavily on the sofa if you’re tired or fed up.

Send myself up - make yourself look foolish in front of people on purpose.

Sucking up - trying to get in someone’s good books.

Trap - another word for mouth, eg “Keep your trap shut.”

Twat - a word for vagina, used to say a person is a despicable person.

Yorkshire Pudding - made out of the same batter as pancake mixture but savoury. Goes with meat gravy. Link to recipe here: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9020/best-yorkshire-puddings . Please note, the author of this book cannot cook them to save her life. They come out like flat discs.

Part One

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER/NOVEMBER

2016

(When normal people don’t think about the festive season much.)

Chapter One

Tim

September 2016

Look cool, Tim, look cool.

Breathe.

I’m sure it’s nothing. She’s busy with the new business.

In fact, it’s good to see her put her energy to a positive use. Baking keeps her occupied and out of mischief.

So why is my wife surrounded by magazines and notebooks? An array of different coloured pens sprawled over the sofa. She’s using what looks like the Argos Catalogue to rest on while she scribbles furiously. There are scissors, glue sticks and pieces of cut out magazine everywhere.

I hover. “Erm, Dora love.” I make every attempt not to give away the wobble in my voice.

My wife looks up at me. Her long blonde hair is tied up in a messy bun. She’s got a pen behind her ear, no doubt forgotten. Her eyes appear wide, alert. She gives me a beaming smile.

Fuck.

“Business stuff?” I query, though I can tell from the almost child-like enthusiasm and mad eyes that it’s not.

“Oh, no, honey. I’m planning Christmas.”

Oh, God no.

“Erm, it’s only September, love.”

She glares at me.

Error. Reverse. Back out of the room slowly, Tim. Gah, too late. She’s on her feet and the hands are on her hips.

“Tim. We have a large family. I have to buy the presents, write cards, plan the decor, the meal.”

The mad, enthusiastic eyes are firmly fixed on me, and there’s a hint of evil behind them.

“It’s not the sort of thing you can do overnight. Gifts go out of stock. People expect a lovely dinner, and Beth and I will be run off our feet with orders at Christmas time, so I’m starting to plan now. Is that okay with you, Tim?” It’s like she has her hand on my bollock twisting.

“Of course, beautiful. I was simply checking that you weren’t overburdening yourself. You know how busy you are.”

“I’m a mum, I’m used to multi-tasking and being busy. It’s an acquired skill.”

I try to get my breathing back to normal. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. Must get to work.”

“Yes. You go to work, sweetie. Your pack-up’s in the fridge. I’ve done Turkey and Cranberry sandwiches with a sprout pesto and there’s a mince pie for afters done the old-fashioned way with real mince.”

We’re having an Indian Summer. It’s thirty-five degrees and I’m having a Christmas dinner.

Most people hate going to work. It’s times like this that I want to run out of the door.

“Right love, I’ll get ready and leave you to it then?”

She nods. “This year's theme is home-made. I’ve ordered lots of home-made looking decorations, bunting, that kind of thing.”

My forehead creases. “Erm, aren’t you supposed to make things yourself?”

She lets out a peal of laughter. “Oh don’t be silly, Tim. Businesswomen haven’t time for all that. We buy it so it looks like we’ve made it.”

“Oh right, yes. Silly me.” I lean over and kiss her cheek. “Well, see you later love.”

That pack-up’s going in the bin as soon as I arrive at work. Fuck it. I’m having a fry-up in the canteen. Why worry about fatty food causing a strain on my heart when I live with Dora?

Chapter Two

Camille

Sunday 30 October 2016

We’re eating Sunday dinner with my parents, Tyler, and Lindsay at the Red Lion. Everyone is trying to ignore the fact that my mother has come out wearing a black tea dress with skulls and demon cherries on it. She’s painted her nails black too. I’d say the pub has got with the season with all the cobwebs, but that’s because the cleaning lady is hopeless and at five feet tall reckons she can’t get to the corners.

Everything is lovely and calm until Tyler rummages through the bag he’s brought with him. He struggles to pull the bursting at the seams bag onto his knees.

“What’ve you got in there, Ty, the kitchen sink?”

He looks up at me with a smirk. “Sis, you may mock but I have everything I need in here.”

Lindsay rolls her eyes and leaning towards me, whispers, “Don’t ask. I’ve learnt not to.”

Tyler brings out a copy of a newly released Christmas magazine and passes it to our mother with a flourish.

“Came into Smiths yesterday, Mum. Brand new. It’s not out on shelves til Monday, so you have an exclusive.”

“Tyler, thank you, that’s so thoughtful,” says Mum, pushing her lunch to one side as she flicks through it. Her face morphs from a beaming smile to a death stare as she returns to the cover, then flicks back inside.

“No, no, no, no, no.” She slaps the magazine down on the table. “Well, that’s Christmas fucked.”

My dad glares at Tyler. “What have you done?”

Tyler shrugs and goes through his man bag again.

I ask the question no one else dares. “What’s the matter, Mum?”

“The matter,” she says with a sweep of her arm over the magazine, “is that Simply Christmas has decided that the only theme they’re focussing on this year is a home-made Christmas.”

“But that’s great, love, there’ll be loads of ideas for you then.”

She affords him a look that would freeze the sun. “And for the thousands of people who buy the magazine. No array of ideas for people to choose from as in past issues. Just the one. The theme I happen to have chosen a month before the magazine came out. While I accept my skills as a trendsetter, there is no way I am doing a home-made Christmas with thousands of other people. I will not be a sheep. I am a lioness. I’ll have to retreat and consider my position of attack now.”

My dad shakes his head and stuffs a large piece of Yorkshire pudding into his mouth, obviously to prevent himself from saying a further word that may upset mum.

“You finished with that love?” says one of the waitresses, spying my mother’s plate pushed to the side.

“Yes, please take it. I’ve had bad news. My appetite is gone.”

“Oh, love, I’m sorry. Nothing too bad I hope?”

“Nothing I can’t recover from in time,” answers my mum. “Have you got jam roly-poly on dessert?”

The waitress backs away from the table slowly. “Er, I’ll go check.”

Tyler passes Mum a box of Lindt Lindor from his bag. “Sorry about that, Mum. You’ll think of something even more amazing though.”

Her face brightens. “Oh, thank you, love. That’s so thoughtful. And you’re right. Everything happens for a reason. I must be going to arrange the best Christmas ever.”

“Actually, Mum.” My heart thuds a little in my chest, but I feel I may as well bite the bullet while she’s on an even keel. “I was wondering if we could have Christmas at our house this year?” Dylan and I had recently had an offer accepted on a new house in Rotherham and were due to move in mid-November. “I thought it would make a good housewarming.”

“Oh,” replies Mum, a finger across her lip, thumb under her chin. “Yes, that could work out quite well. Who were you thinking of inviting?”

“All of us, and Beth, Leo and Trey.”

“Right. Do they not want their first Christmas together?”

“Beth says she wants time off making things and would love to come to ours.”

“Sounds like you have it all worked out. Do you have a theme?”

“No.” I speak slowly. “I thought I’d cook a normal Christmas dinner.”

“Ah, traditional. I like it. Maybe some wooden ornaments and a real Christmas tree.”

“Well actually, we weren’t going to put a tree up. Bob kept jumping on it last year, and pulling it down.” Bob is our beautiful but mad cat.

“No tree? No tree?” Mum repeats.

Tyler reaches into his bag and hands Mum a book - One hundred ways Mothers are Amazing.

She strokes the book. “Tyler, this is just what I need right now. A pick-me-up.”

Tyler beams.

“What a day,” Mum says. “No home-made Christmas and no tree.”

I catch Tyler’s eyes and narrow mine. I mouth, “What are you up to?”

He looks away with a smirk curling the edges of his lips.

“So what are you going to do with the couple of hundred of pounds’ worth of stuff you bought for the home-made Christmas?” my dad asks. You can see him eyeing up the Yorkshire pudding on my plate, probably wishing he could have stuffed it in his mouth before uttering those words.

“I don’t know, honey. What do you suggest I do with them?”

Dad shuffles on his seat, no doubt clenching his arse cheeks together.

“How about donating them to someone who may not be able to afford any?” says Tyler. I’m going to throttle that sucking up twat of a brother in a minute.

“Actually, Tyler doesn’t have any decorations,” says Lindsay. “He’ll buy them off you.”

“Why would I want--” Tyler stops as Lindsay elbows him in the ribs.

“You are trimming up, Tyler, or I’m not staying at yours and you know what that means.”

Tyler rolls his eyes when he thinks no one is looking, but I am. He’s back in the bag where he brings out his wallet.

“How much for your decorations, Mum?”

“Oh, Tyler, nothing sweetie. You’re my son. I don’t want anything from you.”

I sigh. Mothers and their sons. There should be a sick bucket passed to the rest of the family at birth.

She pats my hand. “And you’ll get the same. I don’t do for one and not the other. Traditional Christmas here we come.”

What have I let myself in for?

“We’ll talk about it later, Mum. I already have some decorations.”

“Oh, by the way, I’m going to invite Aunt Miranda over for Christmas this year. Being on her own in that house is doing her no good at all. She’s three cats now, you know? One’s called Rock because it has stripes, ones called Sock because it looks like it has black socks, and the latest is Dock because it’s lost its tail. She needs help before she looks for a male with a large-”

“Jam roly-poly on the house,” interrupts the waitress. “I hope things look up for you soon.”

“Thank you so much,” Mum says, picking up her spoon and tucking in.

I corner Tyler back at the folks’ house. “What’s with that bag, fuckwit?”

“Takes one to know one,” he sing-songs back.

“I,” he says commandingly, “have single-handedly discovered the secret to winning round women.”

I splutter with laughter. I’m laughing so hard I clutch my waist, and my cheeks ache. “You? Know women? I don’t even know how you kept Lindsay.”

“It’s all on here,” he says, swiping his phone and showing me his YouTube channel. His previous channel housed videos of him playing computer games and was watched by a total of about two hundred viewers. This one, named A Beginners Guide to Women has twenty-five thousand subscribers. I snatch his phone and press play on his most-watched video. I’m staggered. It has over three hundred and fifty thousand views.

Tyler appears on screen with his bag. “I’ve discovered the major secret in keeping your woman happy,” he says, “and it starts right here. The bag of happiness.”

Inside he reveals a box of chocolates, a packet of tissues, a fiction romance book. “This is the start of it. You need to buy their favourite chocolates, a book they’ll like to read, tissues if they’re weepy. A girly DVD. I would show you that, but I needed it last night. It got me out of a major telling off. I reached into the bag and asked if she wanted to watch The Notebook. Problem solved, and I got a reward after, if you know what I mean?” He winks at the camera.

“I gather Lindsay doesn’t know about this, given that you’re still alive?”

“Course not. It’s going so well, Cam. I’m being offered sponsorship and affiliate deals. I probably won’t need to work at Smiths much longer. The fact I was hopeless with women and now I’m successful with one, has meant other blokes identify with me. They want me to write a book but how can I? Lindsay would see it.”

“It was nice knowing you, bruv. What sort of casket would you like, because you obviously have a death wish?” The views on the video have are now over four hundred thousand. “Ty, I don’t know who shared this, but it’s going viral.”

He takes the phone off me. “Oh, shit.”

Chapter Three

Beth

I’d like to say things have been brilliant since Leo moved in, but I’d be lying. I’m used to my own space and routines with Trey; it’s difficult letting someone else in, even if they are your son’s father. Leo, at over six feet tall, is becoming exasperated by sharing my small terrace when he has a large house at Whiston. I have to remind him that he was the one who agreed to this. We said we’d let Trey get used to having him around before upsetting him with a house move.

“Cam’s asked if we want to go to her’s and Dylan’s for Christmas. Is that okay with you?”

Leo’s expression is pinched. “Yeah, might as well be cramped in her house as ours.”

“Leo.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “If we moved into mine we could have everyone around, there’d be tons of room.”

I pluck a hair off my sleeve. “Except I bake 364 days of the year so on Christmas, if it’s okay with you, I’d quite like someone else to cook for me.” I bite the inside of my cheek.

“I’d cook for you, and your friends.”

I huff. “Can we leave this right now? I’m going to put Trey to bed.”

“You avoid everything. Do you know that?” Leo fixes me with an annoyed glare.

“I’m too tired to fight.” My shoulders sag. My business is inundated with seasonal orders, first Halloween, then Bonfire Night and of course Christmas.

“We’ll leave it for the counselling session then. Seeing as it’s the only time I get to talk to you these days.” He storms into the kitchen where I hear him banging pots around. That’s the other problem with this house. There’s nowhere to escape to in an argument.

The truth is that I’d had the idea of moving into Leo’s house for New Year’s Eve. I was planning a celebration and for us to have a fresh start in 2017. Now I’m wondering if that might be the biggest mistake ever. Were we even going to make it to Christmas?

With Trey in pre-school and Leo giving golf lessons, I descend on my best mate Cam at Kid Zone, The play centre she owns.

“What’s up with you?” she says as she passes me a coffee from behind the counter.

“Leo,” I huff.

“Hang on. Gemma,” she yells. Her super tall assistant comes out from the staff room. “Yup?”

“Can you take over? Emergency.”

“Sure.”

We take a seat and I remove my coat, hanging it on the back of the chair. I lean back and sigh. “Fucking hell, Cam, I hate being a grown up.”

She grimaces. “Have things not settled?”

“No. We’re under each other’s feet. I’m trying to bake and if Leo’s not out coaching he’s coming into the kitchen and helping himself to chocolate. It’s driving me mad. I’ve no idea where Trey’s Christmas presents are going to go because the house is full of all the toys Leo insists on buying. It’s as if he’s trying to catch up on the last three years all at once. What’s going to happen at Christmas?”

“Why don’t you move into his now?”

“Because I want us to be there for the New Year. I don’t know, it’s like I’ve gone superstitious. I want our fresh start to be in 2017.”

“Beth. I know how super-organised you like to be, but look at you. You’re frazzled. You and Leo are arguing all the time. There’s no space in your house. Why don’t you move in for Bonfire Night instead?”

I flap my hands. “But that’s only a week away.”

“Yup. One week, and then you could be in a massive new house.”

I think about what Cam’s suggesting. It would be a nightmare trying to sort out removals in such a short amount of time. On the other hand, plenty of space and we can still celebrate our housewarming. Plus, if we unearth any rubbish while packing our belongings it can go on the fire.

“Do you know, this could work,” I tell her.

“When does Leo do his coaching?”

“Every morning and the odd evening.”

“Hmm.” Cam chews the side of her lip.

“Out with it. What are you plotting now?”

“I was thinking. There’s loads of room in the kitchen here, so if you wanted, you could work in there. Trey’s in nursery every morning. Leo can collect him and have him in the afternoon. We don’t close until eight if you need to work late. It would give your business an official premise and mean you’re not at home feeling like Leo’s getting under your feet. Also, he gets each afternoon with Trey on his own.”

I smile. “This sounds fantastic, but what’s in it for you?”

“Fresh out of the oven bakes and someone to oversee the running of the kitchen. If you’re up for it that is?”

“What would I have to do?”

“Just make sure the right procedures are being adhered too. I’m run off my feet and I’ve a wedding to plan sometime soon. The only thing that makes me hesitant and might make you reconsider is that my mother might want to use the kitchen here too.”

“Oh, in that case definitely not.”

Cam’s face falls.

“Joking. You loon. When shall I start? I can’t wait to get out of the house.”

“Which one?” Cam laughs.

After Trey is put to bed, I ask Leo to take a seat on the sofa.

He looks glum.

“So, I’ve been thinking.”

“Beth-”

“We should move into yours as soon as possible. Like Bonfire Day, and have a party.”

He whoops and jumps up and down. “Seriously? You’ll move into mine?”

“No, we’ll move into ours.”

“Yes, of course. God, I thought you were going to ditch me. Why the sudden change?”

“I was planning a massive surprise for New Year’s Eve but I wasn’t sure we were going to reach it at the rate we were going.”

“I’m going nowhere, Beth.”

I sigh. “But we’re forever arguing.”

“Yeah, but then we get to make up after.” Leo leans over and kisses my neck. “See.”

“Call that an apology?”

He places a series of kisses down the side of my neck that bring a shiver to my spine. Goosebumps rise on my arms.

“Is that better?”

“Getting there I’d say. By the way I’m not going anywhere either. Even if you do leave the toilet seat up and never empty the bin.”

“Oh baby, full dustbins, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

With that, Leo takes me to bed to seal the deal.

“I’ll get some boxes from the golf club tomorrow, they’re always having deliveries to the bar.”

“I’ve a few in the shed too.”

“So we can make a start on getting you packed up.”

“We can. Oh, Cam offered her kitchen for me as a place to work. I’m going to be the operational manager and keep an eye on the regulations and stuff.”

Leo stands still. “Does that mean you’re not your own boss anymore?”

“No, I’m still working for myself, but with an additional monetary supplement to cover the extra duties. Plus, I’m using her electricity, not my own. She said if I find it doesn’t work for me, there’ll be no hard feelings. It’s a trial.”

“Well it’ll take you a few months to get the kitchen in the new house up to speed and checked so yeah, you can see how it goes in the meantime. Sounds like the opportunity arose at the right time. You’re going to be busy, Ms Woods.”

“I am. I’m looking forward to it though. Being something other than Trey’s mother.”

“Write me a list of things you need for the bonfire party, I’ll help get that organised. I don’t want my busy career woman getting too tired for other things.” He winks.

“If you keep an eye on Trey the next couple of afternoons I’ll get the house packed up. You can buy some fireworks and keep them at your house...”

“Not a problem.”

“Keep them in the garage or something. I don’t want our new house exploding before me and Trey have had chance to move in.”

“No explosions at our place, I promise.” Then he drags me back to bed. His promise a lie, although there was no need to call the fire brigade.

Saturday 5 November 2016

Although there’s still a ton of stuff to do, we manage to move into Leo’s home on Friday 4th. We decide not to worry about unpacking boxes and focus on the celebrations. Leo refused to let me cook or bake anything, saying that was my employment, and I was busy enough right now, so he had the event catered. Living with a man with money was going to take some adjusting to. We’d need to sit down and talk about how the finances would be worked out now we were in his house. My house had been a rental property and I was happy to pay towards Leo’s mortgage. He’d shrugged me off when I’d mentioned it and said we’d talk about it when the stresses of moving and having a firework bash were over.

Our guest list was simple. My parents, Camille and Dylan, Tyler and Lindsay, Dora and Tim, a few of Leo’s colleagues and some clients from the golf club. I’d invited Gemma, who I’d become quite friendly with since my many afternoons at Kid Zone over the past sixteen months. She said she couldn’t stop long and I watch as she stands in the garden fidgeting with her long fringe. She strikes me as anxious, something I’ve never noticed with her at Kid Zone. I walk over to her.

“Hey, Gemma.”

“Hey.” She drops her fringe from her mouth where she’d been biting on it. “Fantastic house, Beth.”

“It’ll take some getting used to, after my small terrace.”

“It’ll certainly take some cleaning,” she says.

“Oh crap. I never thought of that.” I look around at the many-roomed property. “I’m never going to be able to keep this tidy, alongside Trey and my job.”

She smiles. “Well I’m trying to find sympathy for you, but seeing as I live in a terrace with my mother, it’s kind of hard.”

“Oh, Gemma. Don’t you fancy living on your own? My old house will be coming up for rent in the next couple of months.”

She shrugs. “I can’t. My mum has a brain injury. I’m her carer.”

I clasp my hand to my mouth. “Gosh, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”

Gemma shrugs. “There’s just me and Mum so I’m stuck with it for now. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Saying I’m stuck with her, but all I seem to do is cook and clean and half the time she doesn’t want the food and throws it so then I’m cleaning again.”

“No, not at all. It sounds like life with a toddler. I love Trey to bits but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve moaned about being stuck at home or bored.”

“Well there’s a lot of dribbling and I have to feed her, so I reckon you’re pretty accurate there.”

“So who’s with her tonight?”

“Her best friend Di. She comes over one night a week, thank goodness, so I get a break. I can’t be long though, it’s not fair to leave her for more than a couple of hours. Mum can be quite tricky.”

I pause to examine her face. “How do you manage work?”

“She goes to a centre every day, and I get homecare during the evening to help me get her into bed. She’s become quite a large lady since the accident. I wonder how aware she is of it. She used to be really fit.”

“What happened to her?”

“Cycling accident. The one night she couldn’t find her helmet she got knocked off her bike by a hit-and-run. She hit her head on the pavement edge.”

“Oh, Gemma.”

“God, this is supposed to be a celebration. Less of my miserable existence. I’m here to celebrate your new beginnings.”

“Come on, let’s get you a glass of wine instead of that coke.”

“Hey, my life’s not all bad you know?”

“No?”

“No, this brilliant chocolate maker is starting at our place next week. She’s promised to keep me well stocked up so when I’m at home and feeling miserable I can stuff my face with her delightful products.”

“I’d heard that too.” I wink.

Leo is in the garden with his golf buddies who are helping to keep the fire burning. My mum and dad have Trey and are keeping him entertained by swinging him around and chasing him around the bottom of the garden well away from the fire.

I walk towards Cam and her family who are standing near the bonfire. Everyone has a drink in their hand, apart from Dora who is writing her name in the air with a sparkler.

“Hi guys. Everyone okay for drinks?”

“We’re great, thank you, love,” says Dora. “This is such a beautiful house, Beth. All those bedrooms. Do you hire them out, only my sister is coming to ours for Christmas and I’m not sure my nerves will stand it?”

“Unfortunately not,” I say.

“Damn.”

“I turn to Cam. “Talking of Christmas, what do you think about inviting Gemma to yours? She’s been telling me about her mum. It would be good if she could get out for an hour or two.”

“Already asked. Her mother’s going into respite over Christmas. Gemma would have been on her own.”

“Fantastic.”

“So how many is that then, Cam?” asks Dora.

“Me and Dylan; Beth, Leo and Trey; Ty and Lindsay; You, Dad and Miranda and Gemma.”

“And the cats,” Dora interrupts.

“What?”

“Miranda has three cats. She said she can’t leave them in a cattery and how dare I suggest it. They’re her babies and I wouldn’t have put you in a nursery for Christmas when you were little,” Dora mimics. “I told her if they’d been open over Christmas I’d have been highly tempted. Anyway, she’s bringing them and she’s not leaving them unattended in my house. They’ll wreck the place. So, that’s us and three cats.”

“I don’t think Bob will be very pleased,” Cam says, thinking of her own cat.

“He should be ecstatic. Two neutered females and a gay male so he can have some Christmas fun without any extra presents.”

Cam shakes her head. Clearly her vision of a perfect first Christmas in her new home is being challenged.

“It’s a shame Miranda and Gemma aren’t lesbians,” adds Dora.

“Erm, why?” asks a confused Tyler.

“Because your auntie would be into a different kind of pussy and we wouldn’t have to suffer,” she says.

Everyone laughs apart from Lindsay who seems to be lost in her own thoughts, her jaw tight. “You’re quiet tonight, Lindsay,” I say.

“Someone’s finally noticed,” she mutters.

Oh?

“I noticed,” exclaims Tyler. “I thought I’d give you some space. Is there anything you need?” He reaches into his huge bag. “Paracetamol? Or I could fill up this hot water bot--”

“What I need,” says a turning, volcanic Lindsay with an ever-increasing decibel level. “Is for my boyfriend to stick his manbag up his arse and tell me about the million odd subscribers on his YouTube channel where he tells men how to handle women.”

Tyler goes puce. His girlfriend’s face is a matching shade but not with embarrassment. I’m too gobsmacked to say anything.

Cam chuckles. “Oh, Tyler, what does your guide say about getting away with this one?”

At this point, the first of the fireworks goes off so we don’t hear the expletives erupting from Mount Lindsay.

Chapter Four

Tyler

Everyone is staring at us so I gingerly take hold of Lindsay’s hand and pull her away from the others. “I can explain,” I tell her. Inside I’m thinking how the fuck do I get myself out of this one? I see my regular shags disappearing and losing my YouTube channel.

“Have you earned money from this?” Lindsay shouts.

“Erm, yeah. A bit from affiliate marketing and then there’s the book they’ve asked me to write for quite a decent sum.”

“How much?”

I take a deep breath. “All in all I could earn about a hundred grand. I’ve been asked to go on chat shows, the lot, but I’ve been saying no so you wouldn’t find out.”

“Are you stupid?” asks Lindsay, in what I think is an unfair question. I’m going to have to say yes if I want to survive though, aren’t I?

The fireworks whizz and bang giving me time to decide on my answer. Sighing, I raise my hands in surrender. “I am, and I’m very sorry that I posted the videos about our relationship. I’ll take them down and I’ll erm, do that thing you like more often.”

She smacks herself in the forehead. “I mean, are you stupid not making the most of this while it’s such a hot topic? Things like this can be over in no time. You need to capitalise. She grins and punches me in the arm. Christ I’m going to have to tell her it hurts one day.“I can do a female version. Get that book deal signed. I’ll take some holiday leave from work. We can be the next top Vloggers. I’ve been watching others. You need to leave Smiths and get an agent, someone who can help make the most money out of this.”

“Seriously? You’re not mad that I’ve been telling our secrets?”

“Oh, honey, you don’t imagine you really know your way around a woman, do you? It’s cute that you consider you do. You’ve as many female watchers as male, and it’s not only because you’re cute.” She tips my chin. “It’s because you’re naive.”

I scratch my chin. “So let me get this straight. You’re mad that I’m not making as much money as I can from it? You have no objections to my channel? In fact, you want me to expand it and bring you on board?”

“Pretty much.”

The fireworks reach a crescendo, exploding in colourful bursts above our heads.

“Lindsay Cross, I fucking love you,” I say, and then I go bright red because the L word just slipped out for the first time. Right as the fucking fireworks stopped. Everyone stares.

Lindsay steps back startled. “W-what?”

“It slipped out. I’m not saying it again.”

“That’s not the first time you’ve made that excuse.” Lindsay laughs. “I didn’t fall for it before either.”

With a deep breath, I take a huge swig of beer. “I said I love you, alright? Now leave me alone.”

“I love you too.”

I feel a strange tightness in my chest and a rosy glow. It must be the beer.

“Now, let’s go home and create our own fireworks.” She slips her arm through mine. I don’t need asking twice.

I notice the smirk on Mum’s face. She gives me a thumbs up.

Great, my mother heard my declaration of love. This is an hour’s Vlog in itself.

Part Two

DECEMBER

2016

(Countdown to Chaos)

Chapter Five

Dora

Thursday 1 December 2016

I finish frosting a tray of gingerbread Santas and then closing the kitchen door behind me, make my way into the living room. I plonk myself down on the sofa and pick up the Boots Christmas Gift Guide. I’ve been leaving it open at various pages so Tim can tell the kids what I want. He won’t let me choose my gift from him, says it’s already sorted. Better not be an iron. I fold the catalogue to show Thierry Mugler’s Angel and place it on the coffee table.

I glance at the clock on the shelf. It’s 3 pm. The baking is all done and will be packed away later. Tim gets home about six. I have three hours. On the 1 December, I would usually trim up the house, but with no one coming here I can’t be arsed. I’ve always loved Christmas, but that’s because our house has been the focal point for everyone’s celebrations. Tim’s never been that bothered about Christmas, calling it a commercial enterprise to exploit and encourage us to spend money we don’t have. When I said I was giving my Home-made Christmas stuff to Tyler, he told me I should have been more responsible and returned them. So I decided I wouldn’t spend another penny on Christmas like he ordered. I’m going Bah Humbug instead. Not a sign of Christmas in this house apart from the baking. I’m not buying any presents either. I’m going to inform Tim that he can write the family cards this year, and sort out the gifts.

Staring around the room, I catch sight of the drinks cabinet and remember I bought a bottle of sherry. I’ll get into the spirit of Christmas for today only.

“Dora.” Ooh, Timmy’s home. I’d better get up to say hello.

The room fucking tilts. “Bollocks.” I clutch the wall.

The door opens and Tim walks in.

I school my face and think carefully before I speak.

“Tim. Lovely husband. Glad you’re home safe. Had a nice day?”

“Are you shit-faced, Dora?”

I slide down the wall. “I fucking am.”

Tim heads over to the drinks cabinet. “I’ve had a twat of a day. I’m going to join you.”

“Tim, I’m not doing Sh-Ch- Oh, why did they make it such a hard word? Why not Pressie Day? I can say that.”

“It remembers the birth of Christ, remember, love. Not the birth of your perfume collection. By the way, Angel, pahahaha. Isn’t there one called Devious?

“You’re not nice. I’m a lovely angel. Look.” I open my blouse. “See? I have a sparkly bra.”

“Dora, I don’t think angels show men their bras.”

I sigh and lie down on the carpet, then spread my arms and legs, moving them about.

Tim takes a large swig of his drink. “What are you doing?”

I roll my eyes, which makes me go dizzy. Good job I’m lying down. “I'm a snow angel. But on the carpet. A carpet angel. Ouch.” I squeal and shoot up. The room spins again. “I’ve fucking burned myself.”

“Let me see.”

“Fucking hate this Ch-ris-mas. I’m on strike,” I yell, and shoot my arm out with such a flourish that I slap Tim in the face.

“Jesus Christ, Dora. Sit on the sofa and stay still.”

I decide that I’m going to play musical statues. There’s no music so I’ll have to be still all the time.

“Dora.”

Still.

“Dora.”

Why’s he shouting? I’m sitting right beside him, being a statue.

He pushes me. “Dora. Are you alright?”

I glare at him. “Until you moved me, yes. I was winning.” He gives me a blank look. “I was playing musical statues.”

“Against who?” Tim downs the rest of his drink. “Fuck me.”

“Oh, yes please?”

“What?”

“See my shiny bra that you said angels don’t wear. I’m taking it off because I’m being thrown out of angel school.”

As I focus on Tim, I see his cheek is bleeding and put my hands on my face. “Oh, Tim, you’re injured. Let me take care of that. Does it hurt?”

“We’reshggngnow.”

“Why are you mumbling?” Then I realise my boobs are pressed over his mouth.

“Dora?”

I sigh. I’m in trouble again?

“What?” I fold my arms across my chest.

“Get back on that carpet in a snow angel position right now, and I don’t want to hear another word from your mouth, other than groans of ecstasy.”

As it happens, I don’t think I’d manage to get up the stairs, so I lie on the carpet because a shag seems the best option.

Friday 2 December 2016

I walk downstairs gingerly. Tim’s left for work already. As I walk into the kitchen, I prepare for my heart to sink at the sight of abandoned baking, but thank God Tim put the biscuits away. I could have spoilt an order with my recklessness. I walk towards the sink to fill the kettle and notice the ache between my thighs. I smile. Nothing like a good seeing to. Doesn’t happen often at our age, that reckless abandon. It’s usually thirty minutes of the usual in the bedroom. Not that I mind the usual. When you’ve got a good thing going why change it? Sometimes there are a few position changes but mostly there’s a routine to it. After the accidental Alpha/Submissive sex phase, I’m more into plain missionary, to be honest. But last night, well, I ended up with a few more carpet burns, especially on my knees. I fix a well-needed coffee and glance through my emails. Ooh, Ann Summers! Let’s see what’s new. Sexy Santa outfits. Ooh, I might do Christmas after all, or rather, I might do Tim for Christmas.

As Beth’s now working from Cam’s premises, I pack up the car and drive to Kid Zone to deliver my baking.

Camille declares it coffee time and says she wants to talk to us about Christmas at hers. We gather round one of the tables.

“So what do you think about a Christmas buffet?” Cam asks.

I choke on my coffee. “What?”

“There are so many people coming. I thought rather than a massive meal that makes everyone fall asleep, I’d do a buffet. Turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce sandwiches. That sort of thing.”

“Well, I really think people will be ex--”

“Whatever’s easiest for you, Cam. You work hard so why not? You could get some of that party food from Iceland. Those little Yorkshire puddings are adorable.”

Where’s the fucking sherry again?

“People will want a proper dinner,” I protest.

“Oh, Mum, half the time they’re full of chocolate, and no one likes Christmas pudding, so I’m not bothering with that.”

“I like--”

“God awful stuff,” says Beth.

“So, buffet it is then?” confirms Cam.

“I could bring a few things round, share the load. I’ll send Leo food shopping.”

“That would be amazing.” Cam looks at me. “You don’t have to do anything, Mum. You can have Christmas off.”

“Oh, I am. No Christmas projects here. I’m not doing anything for Christmas, other than dressing up for your dad.”

“Mother!”

“What? I do it every year. It’s your first Christmas living with Dylan. You need to dress up. There are loads of outfits on the web. Hey, we should have a girly shopping day and go buy ourselves something sexy.”

“I do not want to know what disgusting costume you’re going to dress up in for my dad. In fact, can the image be taken away from my mind before I have nightmares?”

“I’ll get us another coffee,” I tell her. I’m still feeling hungover. As I get up, I realise my skirt has ridden up, meaning my leg has stuck to the plastic chair. “Ow.” I suck in a sharp breath. That really hurt.

“You all right, Mum?”

“Yeah.” I look at the angry red mark on my leg.

“Oh, my God, did my chairs do that to you?” Cam jumps up. “I’ll have to change them. I’ll be sued.”

“Cam.” I put a hand on her arm. “It’s a carpet burn from where I shagged your dad last night.” I show her my others.

She sticks a hand over her ears and sings, “Lalalalala.”

“I hope you’re taking precautions, Miss Evans,” says Beth, laughing.

“Yes thank you, sweetie. I have my coil. Right, I’ll get these coffees. Who can do the outfit shopping tomorrow because I don’t want things selling out?”

I return with the drinks.

“So how have you decided to trim up the house, Mum, now a home-made Christmas is so common?”

I finish off a mouthful of biscuit and then reply. “I’ve told you, I’m not doing Christmas. Unless your dad changes his name to Mr Chris Mass.”

“Lalalalala.”

“I’m going to concentrate on the baking and make sure I get to the gym so I look fit not fat over the festive season. Let’s face it, it’s only one day.”

“That’s what Dad says, and you always tell him it’s Christmas from December 1st to the end of Boxing Day and to shut his trap.”

“Well, I agree with your Dad now. So we’ll come for the lovely buffet in the house with no tree.”

“Bob would pull it over.”

“I know, darling, you said, and especially now there are going to be four cats. They’re going to be everywhere, aren’t they? Miranda’s so excited about staying at yours. She always adored you. Anyway, I told her you and Dylan don’t sleep together because she’s gone religious and is a bit weird about that sort of thing. You can share with Miranda. Dylan can go in the spare room.”

“What?” Cam shrieks. “No way am I sharing with Auntie Miranda. She lets the cats on her bed.”

I turn to Beth. “See how she gets when she thinks she might be deprived of Dylan’s cock? Bless her. That’ll soon wear off.” I turn back to Cam. “I was kidding, love, the only religion your Auntie practises is watching every episode of Coronation Street.”

“Mum, you’re not funny. Oh, and I’m not getting Christmas Crackers either. They’re a waste of money, and they’ll make the cat jump.”

I roll my eyes. “Right, well, I’m off,” I announce. “If you girls aren’t going to spice things up for Christmas that’s up to you, but I’m going to hit Primark for a sparkly chemise.

As I stand up a man dressed in yellow trousers and a green shirt walks in. He’s tall. Dark shaggy hair curls around his face and neck. He’s like that Poldark bloke. He walks towards Gemma and talks to her, but she stands frozen, seemingly unable to utter a word.

I practically run over. “Hi, there. Anything we can do for you?”

“Yes, Madam. I’m from the local circus theatre group and wondered if the manager would be interested in booking us for any Christmas entertainment?”

Cam walks over. “Funnily enough. I’ve been let down by a magician who’s decided to disappear to the Canary Islands for Christmas. Come through to the office, and we’ll have a chat.”

I say goodbye to my daughter and Beth, and then walk up to Gemma.

“Fabulous set of balls he had.”

“Seriously?” she asks. “I was too nervous to check out how endowed he was.”

“I meant his juggling balls, Gemma. The ones in his hands,” I reply, and wink.

“I want to die now. Let the ground swallow me up,” groans Gemma.

I laugh and leave the play centre.

Chapter Six

Beth

Sunday 4 December 2016

Us ladies agree to forgo our usual Sunday routines to do a spot of Christmas shopping together, complete with a visit to the Sleigh Bar in Sheffield City Centre. Dora is determined that everyone should have a sexy Santa outfit, the only concession she’ll make to anything Christmas. I want to get some things for Trey while I’m not with him, but I’m not sure what to buy for Leo. He seems to have everything he wants.

We meet outside Boots, and Dora insists everyone pile into Gregg’s for one of their Christmas pasties with Turkey and cranberry sauce. I have to say it's delicious. I’d not had time to eat before I left and it’s very welcome.

After hitting a few shops with none of us purchasing anything, Dora calls an emergency meeting in the Sleigh Bar. She treats us to a hot Pimms, and we take a seat on a wooden bench.

“So, did anyone bring a list of what to buy?” asks Dora.

We all shake our heads to the negative.

“You can’t not plan Christmas shopping,” she tells us. “You’ll end up frustrated or overspent, or both. Now, I have a jotter and pen here. We’ll go around and see what everyone needs.”

As bossy as she can be, Dora has our best interests at heart. I know she will pull me around to a firm plan of action.

“Right. Beth. You first. Who do you need presents for?”

“I’ve got Leo and Trey still to buy for. No idea what to get either of them because Leo has already bought half of Toys R Us.”

“Hmm, still trying to compensate, is he?”

“I think so. Or maybe he has the money and doesn’t care.”

“So what do you want Trey to have?”

“I was thinking about some Thomas the Tank engine stuff as he’s into trains at the moment, and there’s plenty of space in the lounge for a table to be set up.”

“You’ll be able to get some of that from Argos.”

“Yes, but will the table fit once Leo has set up the drum kit?”

“He hasn’t?”

“Oh, he has, and a guitar and keyboard. He wants to encourage Trey’s musicality.”

“Oh, love, let him get on with it. That’s easily solved. Get Leo bladdered on Christmas Eve and make sure Trey opens and uses those presents first. Really let him at it. They’ll be moved into the spare room by Boxing Day I assure you.”

“You sound very confident, Dora.”

“Been there, done that, that’s why.”

I laugh.

“So kids of Trey’s age don’t need a lot. Go for some Thomas pjs and a cuddly as well. He’ll be so pleased.”

She tears off the paper in her jotter and hands it to me. “That’s your list.”

My forehead creases, “but we’ve not talked about Leo’s present.”

“You’re Leo’s present, wrapped in a nice set of lingerie. You’re all he wants Beth, and if you can’t see that you’re blind. How’s it going anyway, living together in the big house?”

I take a drink of my Pimms, and it warms my chest. It’s gorgeous. “Fantastic. All we needed was a bit of space. We’re ending the counselling sessions next week. Our counsellor is happy that we’ve worked things out and are looking forward to the future.”

“What a lovely way to end the year,” says Dora.

Seemingly out of nowhere an idea hits me, like a splash of boiling melted chocolate on bare skin. “I’m going to propose.”

“What?” Dora, Camille and Lindsay shout in unison.

“That’s Leo’s Christmas present. I’m going to propose. You say he just wants me, Dora. Me and Trey. Well, he can have us.”

Dora squeals. “Oh my God, this will be the best Christmas ever. When are you going to propose? Christmas morning?”

“No. I don’t want to detract from Trey’s Christmas. I’ll do it at Cam’s over food. If I ask in front of everyone, he’s unlikely to say no.”

“As if he will say no, anyway. Oh, this is fantastic. You could have served him a ring in a Christmas pudding, but there won’t be one,” she adds curtly, looking in Cam’s direction. “Oh well. I’m sure you’ll think of something amazing.”

Butterflies are already tying my stomach up in knots. I’m excited but nervous.

“So, Lindsay,” I turn to Tyler’s girlfriend. “Over to you. What do you need to buy?”

“Just something for my parents. That’s it really?”

“You’ve already got Tyler’s present?”

Lindsay fidgets in her seat. “Yeah, that’s already done. I’m stuck on what to get my folks though.”

Dora writes on her pad, tears it off and hands it to Lindsay. “Voila.”

“A Netflix subscription?”

“Yeah and a bottle of red, and one of white. They can Netflix and chill.” She winks.

“You should get a nice present now he’s signed his book deal,” I say.

Lindsay sighs. “Yeah, I suppose.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You’ll think I’m really selfish, but when I found out what he was doing, I was really angry. I thought he was making an idiot out of me. When I saw he could earn good money from it, I set up as the other side of him, the woman talking about how to control a man. Only, I have the grand sum of 100 subscribers. All they ever message me about is when Tyler is going to feature in another of my videos. I’ve bombed. How come he’s making a shit ton of money and no one’s the slightest bit interested in mine?”

“Because my son is one of a kind,” says Dora.

Cam rolls her eyes. “Here we go again, my beautiful son who can do no wrong.”

“He’s done plenty wrong and had the red legs to show for it,” states Dora. “Look, Lindsay, he’s a bit naive is our Tyler. He’s only just started his journey of independence and it's come at the same time as he’s started dating seriously. This whole concept is about him genuinely trying to figure out how to keep a woman happy. It’s endearing. That’s why he has so many subscribers. I don’t think anyone is taking him seriously. They enjoy watching him try. Think about how you feel when Sheldon from the Big Bang experiences an emotion. That’s what Ty is doing. He’s loveable and innocent, and that’s what appeals.”

“He’s not that innocent,” I hear Lindsay mutter under her breath. Dora’s too busy with her Tyler is amazing speech to hear.

“So, all you need to buy is the wine. You could get those from M&S. Then, of course, your Santa outfit.”

“There’s no way on earth I’m dressing up for Tyler, he’ll probably film it and show it on his YouTube channel.”

“Fair point,” says Dora.

Lastly, it’s Camille’s turn to be grilled.

“I don’t have time to get presents with work and the dinner. Everyone’s getting a gift card. Yours is from Waterstones.”

“Excellent, that’s only around the corner.”

Beth queries..“She gets away with that? Buying gift vouchers? My mother would kill me.”

“That and her father will have told her what I want from Boots, so she’ll make an excuse to go there later.”

“I will not.”

“Whatever, sweetie. I promise I’ll not notice. Don’t forget to get my present from your brother as well.”

“How come he doesn’t have to do shopping?”

“Camille, darling, sometimes I have to shake myself that he’s held down a job and keeps a house, let’s not get carried away. Okay, I have my list ready, so I need to go to Ann Summers, John Lewis, and Poundland. I suggest we split up for a couple of hours and meet in Costa at 3 pm. See you later, ladies.” With that Dora is off with a mischievous grin on her face.

“What’s your mum up to?” I ask Cam.

“I don’t know, but that smile is always worrying.”

Dora

I head straight to John Lewis where I purchase three boxes of Elf on a Shelf and an Elf Funko pop. The official version is creepy as fuck. I’ll spend half the night imagining them crawling out of the boxes. However, I had a great idea while chatting to the girls. It’s obvious they are incapable and too time-stricken to handle Christmas themselves, so elf’s going to give them a helping hand. And in case they suspect me, elf will visit my house too, just to throw them off the scent. Oh, this should be fun.

From there I pop to Ann Summers where I purchase a sexy elf outfit. It seems appropriate. I also pop a one-size outfit in my basket as I think someone needs a helping hand. It’s good that I have spare keys to Cam and Ty’s. All I need is a way to get into Beth’s. I high five my left hand. Christmas Dora style is going down, without me doing any of it. Take that, guys. I’m going to slay Christmas. Slay - sleigh - get it?

Chapter Seven

Camille

“Sorry about Mum,” I say to Beth and Linds. I know they’re used to her, but they have their own parents, they don’t need to put up with mine as well.

“She makes me laugh,” says Beth. “Goodness knows how your dad hasn’t gone deaf.”

“Must be worth it for the Christmas outfits,” laughs Lindsay.

“Ew, Stop it. Seriously. I can’t believe she’s insisting we join in on her sex-crazed plans. My worry is that the biscuit making isn’t fulfilling her anymore. I reckon she’s suffering from a lack of projectitis.”

“Well, you’re the Grinch who stole Christmas from her.” Beth pulls her tongue out at me.

“Do you think that was mean? I know she loves organising it, but I wanted to do it for once.”

“Your mother’s got to learn she can’t have everything her way. Her children are growing up, and things are changing. She needs to adapt,” says Lindsay.

Then Beth and Lindsay fall about laughing.

“You know she’s going to take over, don’t you? There’s no way you’re getting away with a buffet and no Christmas pudding.” Says Beth.

“What’s she going to do? Bring a full dinner around in the car? Even my mum can’t pull that off. Good warning though, she’s bound to interfere with something. I’ll keep a close watch for her antics. In the meantime, give her some more baking to do.”

“That I can do. We’re getting extra orders all the time.”

“How are you getting on in the Kid Zone kitchen?” asks Lindsay.

“It's fantastic. Best move I’ve made. I feel far more business-like with staff to direct. No more men and children interrupting the process. I’m getting so much more done.”

“That’s fantastic.”

“What about you?” I ask Lindsay. “How’s the promotion going?” Lindsay had got a promotion earlier in the year which meant she’d had to move from the Rotherham Branch of Smiths to the Sheffield one.

“It’s alright. I have a great team, and they’re enthusiastic about the Christmas promotions. It’s not the most exciting place on earth, but it’s a job.”

I ponder my play centre. “I love my job.”

Beth’s face gains a dreamy expression. “Hmm, me too.”

“You two make me sick, you know that?” Lindsay says. “Well, maybe sometime in the future I can consider getting a dream job, whatever that might be, but for now I’ll have to put up with working in a shop.”

“And being the girlfriend of a famous YouTuber,” I add.

“Yeah, but I’m not counting on that. It could disappear at any time. We’re not like you and yours. It’s very early days for me and Tyler.”

“Are you having second thoughts? I know he can be a bit stupid.”

“I’m thinking about what your mum said about this being his first foray into independence. What if I’m just practice? What if his career takes off, and he becomes surrounded by groupies and turns into a manslut?”

I touch her arm. “Oh, Lindsay, I’m sure that’s not the case. My brother’s very fond of you. He doesn’t pack a manbag for everyone you know?”

“Sod the shopping, I’m going back to the Sleigh Bar,” says Lindsay.

“Oh, yes please,” Beth adds, and we turn around and regroup at our table with a fresh round of warm Pimms.

“So any more thoughts about the wedding?” Lindsay asks me.

I sigh. “It’s a bone of contention between me and Dylan right now. He believes I should be more enthusiastic and wants us to decide on a date and venue, but I’m so busy at work. I’m self-employed, I can’t ignore work stuff to plan a wedding.”

“Why not let your mum do it?”

I sigh. “She’s not interested in weddings. It’s the one thing she won’t get projectitis about. Besides, I need to show my commitment to Dylan. We’re shut on Christmas and New Year’s Day. Maybe we can decide on something then? I’m thinking Spring 2018 anyway. Plenty of time.”

“Not in weddingland. Venues get booked up months in advance,” says Beth.

“I’ve got an idea,” says Lindsay, “though you might not like it.”

“What?”

“If Leo says yes, why not have a double wedding? You can half the planning responsibilities.”

Beth and I look at each other.

“I would, would you?” I ask her.

“Well Leo needs to say yes first, and then he would need to agree to it, but hell why not?”

“Lindsay, you’re a genius.”

Lindsay beams. “I’ve another idea.”

“No we’re not having a foursome on the wedding night,” Beth laughs.

“Oh my God. Hahahaha. No, I was wondering. You say Dylan thinks you aren’t serious. Well, you’ve not had an engagement party yet.”

“I haven’t had time.”

“So make your Christmas buffet an engagement party.”

I sit back, nursing my Pimms as I mull it over. “That, girl, is a fucking genius idea. It takes no more preparation than what I’m doing anyway and whoop, extra pressies.”

“Wow, your party will be busy. An engagement do, a Christmas do, and my proposal. You need to do something big as well, Lindsay.”

“I’ll no doubt be videoed for Ty’s reality channel. Plus, it’s his birthday.” adds Lindsay.

“He’s not videoing my proposal, I’ll die of embarrassment.”

“Yes, but you’ll have the happy moment on camera forever,” says Cam.

“Okay, he can video but not post it.”

“I’d like to see you stop him. It’ll be the feature of the day.”

“It might not be,” says Lindsay. “I’m working on something. It’s just a seed of a thing at the moment, and I’m not sure if it’s happening yet, but it should take his attention off everyone else’s business.”

“Ooh, I’m intrigued. Spill.”

“I’m keeping mum on this one.” Lindsay winks. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

“Well, how was your afternoon with the girls? Did you buy me lots of presents?” asks Dylan on my return home.

I hang my coat at the bottom of the stairs and walk through to the lounge. “It was a productive afternoon,” I answer, flinging my arms around his neck.

“It smells it,” he says. “You’re wearing the aroma of Pimms like a perfume. However, there seems to be a distinct lack of shopping bags.”

I stick my tongue in his mouth and twirl it with his. Then I step back. “We had the most brilliant idea.”

“What? To stick your tongue down my throat? That is brilliant. Can you have more of these girly get-togethers but come up with something naughtier next time?”

I smile at him. “We should have an engagement party.”

He holds me at arm’s length and gazes at me. “My God, you’re not actually committing towards our wedding are you? I was beginning to think you were your mother’s daughter.”

“I think Mum avoids the subject because she resents that my dad never wanted to get married when she did, back in the early days of their relationship.”

“Why didn’t he?”

“He always said it didn’t make a jot of difference to a relationship and that he didn’t need a piece of paper.”

“I really felt for him when your mother turned him down.”

“He proposed for all the wrong reasons. He shouldn’t have expected another answer. For all her bravado, I think deep down it affected her, him not committing officially. Sometimes, I see her attention seeking as her wanting him to notice her. It’s like she’s scared his attention will wane.”

“Can’t see your dad looking for another woman. Doesn’t seem the type.”

“No, but he’d get wrapped up in going for a pint in an evening and staring at that rather than my mum.”

“Anyway, enough of them, back to us. An engagement party? When?”

“Our Christmas day bash. Two for the price of one. We’ll add your parents and family to the mix.”

“And it’ll be our housewarming too.”

“Oh God, yeah.” I think about that. It’s now a Christmas Buffet/Housewarming/Engagement party, with Tyler’s 26th birthday and Beth proposing. Jeesh.

“I can’t wait for you to become Mrs Ball,” says Dylan. “You’ve to promise to sit and make a date for our wedding by the start of the New Year. Now, let me taste that Pimms again.”

I agree with both his suggestions.

Chapter Eight

Dora

Tuesday 6 December 2016

So, Beth gave me a key to her house yesterday. She’s so frazzled she gave me hers to get copied after I started nagging, though she did point out that should she be in a kitchen fire she’d prefer to be taken to hospital. So, I’m in. The house is gorgeous. I didn’t want anyone in the vicinity to be suspicious or think I’m a burglar, so I dressed in my naughty nurse's outfit but added a pair of black trousers underneath. There was an old biddy who nodded to me through my car window before I turned up the driveway. Thank goodness it’s a long driveway, or she might have asked me a medical question, she seemed the sort.

In and with the alarm switched off, I have a good look around for the best place to instigate my plan. Beth would be onto me in no time; it’s Leo I have to work on. I hide the elf and the package in the top drawer in his office desk and hope to God Beth doesn’t go in there for any reason.

Leo

I return from my golf lessons early. Although I’m booked up into the New Year with people reserving lessons for their partners as presents, it’s pretty quiet right now. I’m going to build some furniture for an hour or so before I collect Trey from pre-school. You’d think an early start and a morning of activities would tire a kid out, but no, if anything he returns with even more energy. It’s no wonder Beth is so slim; she’s run ragged with Trey and the business.

I’m so bloody proud of her. I realise how much of herself she lost when she had to give up her Uni education. She says it was worth it, but I know she felt a need to prove herself. She’s done that, and more. She made my life complete when she moved in with Trey. Hopefully, somewhere down the line, we can have another kid, but if it’s only us three, that’s fine with me too. She doesn’t know it, but I’m going to propose to her on Christmas Day. Dylan’s in on the secret, but I’ve asked him not to tell Cam. I can’t trust her to keep it to herself. The ring’s hidden in the back of the wardrobe, but I’ve bought a new desk with a lockable top drawer. First, it’s time to empty and dismantle the current one, which has a rickety leg and a half-broken drawer. I’d been putting up with it, but now Trey’s around I want to make sure everything is safe.

As I open the top drawer of the desk, I shriek. The noise I make is like a crazy ass woman scared of spiders. Thank goodness our house is set away from others. My cheeks heat. Heart pounding, I peer back in the drawer and bring out the most awful looking Christmas elf. What the fuck is it? I peer around the room, convinced it’s some kind of voodoo doll and I’m about to be murdered. Fuck, there’s a note. I pull my golf gloves out of my pocket and put them on to avoid putting fingerprints on it. It might be needed for evidence.

I read the typewritten words. At least it’s not formed out of newspaper letters, so that’s something.

L.

Wrap me up, in this bow.

Then let’s take it nice and slow.

Don’t mention the fact I bought this myself.

You have a naughty secret elf!

I might come back another day.

But for now, it’s time to play.

Shh!

Ooh, get my Beth, the naughty minx. Fine. I’ll not mention where it came from. If she wants me to take the lead, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Right, I’d better get this desk fixed up, and the ring put away. I can’t have her going in my drawers again. Even if it is to help me get in hers!

A key turns in the lock. She’s home.

“Mummy!” Trey jumps off my knee, leaving it feeling cold without his warm body there and goes running. I jump up and follow him.

She spins him around. “Hey, big boy, how was school?”

It’s corny I know, but I almost have to bite on my hand because of how much love I have for them both. As if reading my mind Beth beckons me towards them.

“Come on in, Daddy. Family hug.” Beth yawns. “God, I’ve been so busy. This time of year’s a killer,” Beth says. She looks ready to slump on the sofa, but that’s not in our plan for tonight.

I bath Trey and get his milk and biscuit while Beth fixes us an evening meal. I’m not the world’s best cook, and Beth enjoys doing it. I feel guilty when she’s worked all day, but she says it helps her unwind, that making an evening meal is different to the pressure of making perfect chocolates and biscuits. She eats with Trey on her knee, passing him little pieces of tuna pasta bake and singing songs. Meal times take a long time now, and her food must be cold by the time she gets to eat it, but she won’t pass Trey over when I’ve finished. It’s her time with him before he goes to bed. After that, she reads him bedtime stories for half an hour, until settled, he falls into a deep sleep.

Usually, I’ll return downstairs after kissing our son goodnight, but this evening I have an order to execute.

On our bedside table, there’s a glass of red wine each.

Beth walks into our room as she does each evening to get changed.

An eyebrow rises at the wine, and she turns to me. “You feeling horny, Mr Coleman?”

“I’m thinking I deserve a nice treat for babysitting while you drank copious amounts of Pimms the other day, and had to go straight to bed when you got home.”

She giggles. “I can’t help it if I’m a lightweight. What do you have in mind?”

“This,” I say, and hold up the bow outfit. It’s made of a shiny red fabric, and there’s not much to it.

Beth gives me a greatly surprised face. “Oh, what’s that for?”

“This is where you get to be my Christmas gift, and I get to unwrap you.”

“Sexy Christmas lingerie. Well, who knew?” A smirk crosses her face as she thinks of something. No doubt congratulating herself on the role play she’s instigated.

“So strip lady, and get this on.”

She takes it out of my hand. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go to the bathroom. Make yourself comfy and enjoy some of that wine.”

Beth

Shit. What’s got into Leo tonight? I didn’t know he was into dressing up. It’s a good job I keep up to date with my waxing because there’s going to be little left to the imagination. I’ve snuck my phone into the bathroom, and speed dial Cam.

“Fucking hell, Cam.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I giggle. “But guess what?”

“Spill, you’re killing me here.”

“Your mother was right. I’m in the bathroom. Leo’s just given me some sexy lingerie to put on. You ought to see his face. Like Christmas has come early. Go buy some. I have a feeling we can get away with murder if we dress up.”

“What’s he bought?”

“It’s basically a ribbon made into a bow.”

“Yeah well, that’s alright for you, Miss Size Ten, my size fourteen body won’t look the same. I bet you resemble a naked Miss World.”

“Not yet I don’t, I haven’t put it on. And shut up, you’re beautiful. At least you have tits.”

“For God’s sake. You have a sexy man in your bedroom waiting for you. Why are you on the phone? I’ll go Google, now fuck off.”

I put the outfit on. God, I feel stupid. But Beth, you need to own this. Leo made an effort to purchase the outfit, so you need to give him a good show. If only I could have downed the glass of wine first.

Leo

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Beth walks in. Her pale skin contrasts against the red of the silky bow. The thick piece of satin ribbon runs across one shoulder and between her legs. She does a slow shimmy around, revealing the back where the ribbon passes over one shoulder and then folds like a thong over the crack of her fine, pert ass. It then wraps around her middle, where, as she turns to face me again, it culminates in a wide bow wrapped over her tits.

I’m finding it hard not to come in my pants right now. My mouth dry, I take a drink of wine.

Beth comes to stand in front of me at my side of the bed. She places a hand on her right hip and looks up at me. “Here’s your present, Mr Coleman. Would you care to unwrap it?”

Would I?

I remember her words in the note, nice and slow.

Moving closer to her body, I trail my hand down the side of her arm. There’s a turn on in the fact that I’m fully dressed while Beth is almost naked. Her arm goosebumps under my fingertips. I trail my fingers up the side of her abdomen. She shivers under my touch.

I drop the satin ribbon off her shoulder and the material puddles on the floor. My beautiful woman stands straight and proud in front of me. Not hiding herself like she used to when we first got back together, thinking I’d be bothered by the silken strands across her stomach. They’re a thing of beauty because they appeared because of our son. I kneel and kiss each stretch mark, and then move my head to the juncture of her thighs. Beth wraps her hands around the back of my neck, her own invisible ribbon tying me to her body.

I savour the taste of her on my tongue as she grinds against me. We move to the bed and Beth sits on the edge, her long dark hair curling around her breasts. I return my attentions to her clit, enjoying the taste and the warmth, better than any wine on my bedside table. When she comes apart, I gather her in my arms and trace tiny circles on her flesh with my fingertips. Then I can wait no longer, and my cock seeks its pleasure between Beth’s thighs. On and off all night long.

Chapter Nine

Dora

Wed 14 December 2016

I see the name displayed on the ringing phone and groan. I can’t ignore her though with only a week until Pussies Galore arrives.

“Hi, sis,” I answer. It’s a pretty good response seeing as she’s like a terrorist with her constant interrogation.

“Dora. I was expecting to hear from you or Camille by now. Where am I staying?”

“You’ll have to come to ours. Cam needs the spare room to store the stuff for the party. Did you get your invitation?”

“Yes, if Christmas wasn’t expensive enough for everyone, now we need to buy engagement and housewarming presents.”

“I’m sure she won’t mind if you don’t get her one. Our Cam’s not the slightest bit materialistic.”

“I’ll be sticking to the proper etiquette for the occasion, thank you,” Miranda snips.

I roll my eyes. Not that she can see me.

“Anyway, that’s not the only reason I’m phoning.”

“No?” I dread to think what’s coming next.

“No. I’ve been having one of my feelings, so I went to see Brenda. She confirmed the pregnancy.”

“You’re pregnant?” I shriek. It seems Christmas really does involve miracles.

“Not me. I said it was one of my feelings. My psychic ones. Someone in your family is having a baby.”

“I doubt it very much, Miranda. Cam’s busy with the business and Lindsay and Tyler aren’t that serious.”

“Well, maybe it's you then?”

“I’m on the coil.”

“I’m just reporting what I felt, and I’ve had it confirmed by Brenda.”

“Brenda from the vets?”

“Yes. She’s a medium. Does the church hall once a month. Very insightful. She sees a trip in my future too. Says she sees my future connected with books, and a pool, but not until February time.”

“Well, that’s about right because you start swimming in February, hoping to get a Valentine’s off that lifeguard, whose name is, let me recall, Keith Wright. So there you go, you will obviously go arse over tit in front of him.”

“I wish you’d take things more seriously, Dora. Anyway, so I’m coming to yours?”

“Yes. The spare room’s all made up. It will be a bit cosy for you in there with three cats though.”

“Well, it’s only for an evening, isn’t it? The rest of the time we’ll be downstairs with you.”

I make a mental note to take up every opportunity to get out of the house from the 23rd December through to Boxing Day.

“Anyway, don’t forget to keep an eye out for pregnancy signs.”

“Miranda, no one is pregnant. Remember last Christmas? You told me I would die.”

“So you deny what happened at the Murder Mystery game we played after dinner?”

“But you knew I’d set that up and was to be the victim.”

“I have to report what my feelings tell me. I felt that you died and you did. In the kitchen with a frying pan.”

“Fine. So we’ll see you the afternoon of the 23rd then? Do you want me to get anything nice in for tea?”

“Oh no, don’t go to any trouble. It’s only your sister coming around.”

God, she’s so sarky. “I meant anything specific, as you well know.”

“Can we have a Chinese?”

“Absolutely.”

“Right, now go check your contraception.”

“Miranda,” I cry with exasperation.

She laughs down the other end of the phone. “Stop, you’ll hurt my feelings.”

“It’s just an excuse, you know? There’s no way Camille couldn’t keep her stuff in the garage.”

Tim sighs. “You can’t expect to offload your sister onto your daughter.”

“Why not? They’ve always been close.”

“Because your daughter is extremely busy with her business.”

My eyes narrow. “What about me?”

“You are also busy with your business, but it’s your sister and you’ve already told me that Beth’s closing the kitchen from the 24th to the 27th, so you’ll have plenty of time, whereas the play centre’s opening on Boxing Day.”

“My daughter is far too clever. I’ve taught her too well. She knows parents will be desperate to offload the kids for a few hours come Boxing Day while they eat a mince pie and have a cuppa. She’s also won the who gets Miranda competition. Unless…”

“Whatever it is running through your mind, forget it.”

I smirk.

“I’m serious, Dora. Let the thought pass. Remember your Big Magic book? Thank the idea for passing and let it go, away to someone else.”

“Don’t you quote Liz Gilbert out of context. Fine, we’ll keep Miranda here. By the way, she’s listened to Brenda after having one of her feelings. I’m going to get pregnant, if I’m not already. Also, she’s going on a literary adventure in February. Somewhere with a pool. It’s in her future.”

Tim chews on his lip.

“You are on the coil, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“How effective is it?”

“It’s like almost impossible to get pregnant effective.”

“Almost?”

“Tim, I’ve been on the coil for six years. Do you see a cluster of unplanned children around here?”

“Does it have to be checked though?”

“I can’t remember. I think there’s a card in the back of my purse.”

I stomp over to my handbag and ferret through my purse until I unearth the card behind other old crap like my bingo club card. The writing on it, once written in biro, has faded. “Bugger, I can’t see the date, now I’ll have to call the bloody doctors.”

I press speed dial and get the nice sounding receptionist thank God. I ask her about my coil and go through the usual identity questions.

“We’ve written to you a few times about this, Miss Evans. It needs replacing as soon as possible.”

“I’ve not received anything.”

“Well, we’ve written to you three times. It says so on your records.”

“You’d better book me in then.”

“I’ll get you an appointment. The doctor who does it comes in every Friday, so the next appointment will be…” I hear the click of keys. “We’re booked until Friday 30 December.”

“I’ll call it a late Christmas present, shall I?” I moan.

“Better than the alternative. Speaking of which, you need to do a test before you come.”

“What test?”

“A pregnancy test.”

My heart thuds. “Why?”

“Because the coil lasts five years, you’ve been using it for a year without full protection. It loses half its efficacy after that time.”

I feel my heart drop to my stomach. No way in fucking hell am I going through all that again. Not at forty-five years old.

“Okay, well I’ll see you on the 30th.”

I put the phone down and smile at Tim. “Sorted. Everything’s fine, but they said it’s a good time to get it replaced, so thank you for making me check.”

“Well, better that than we end up knee deep in nappies again. They’d call you a geriatric patient like they did Bridget Jones.”

“I should have gone to see that film on my own.” I purse my lips.

“I wish you had. I might not have been so mortified at the orgasm noises you made every time Patrick Dempsey came on screen. Jesus, I thought I was going to need to phone an ambulance when he jumped in the pool. You’d gone all clammy like you couldn’t breathe.”

I don’t tell him that with it being the late showing, and with us being in the back row, that I’d had my hand under my pants, hidden by my handbag.

“Right, so everything’s sorted. Miranda’s coming here. You’re getting your coil replaced, and we’re going to our Cam’s for Christmas. A nice simple Christmas for us this year.”

I bloody hope so I think to myself.

I take myself to my drawer. The one we all have in our kitchen. The big drawer we fill with crap. It’s where I throw post in when I think I’ll open it later. Here is where I keep all my credit card bills. I have a direct debit that takes care of the balances. I don’t believe in getting in debt, but neither do I believe in making sure they’re correct when I could be watching The Fall. With Tim firmly ensconced in front of the television, I lift out a handful of envelopes and commence opening them. Sure enough, I find letters from the doctors.

I gaze down at my stomach. It’s as tight as a virgin’s pussy from my gym sessions.

There can’t be a baby in there.

Can there?

I decide to put it out of my mind until after Christmas. It’s extremely unlikely with how often we’ve had it lately and my age. Yep, better to pretend this last hour or so never happened.

Instead, I busy myself making mince pies.

Chapter Ten

Tyler

Friday 16 December 2016

Jesus, I daren’t open my mouth. The minute I say anything, Lindsay chews off my ear.

She’s obviously pre-menstrual, but when I asked her if she wanted a couple of paracetamol from the manbag she snatched it out of my hand, stomped to the back door and threw it in the garden.

She’s been like this since her YouTube idea flopped. She did really well in the competition we had with each other earlier in the year, and I think she expected to beat me again. Except for the fact that months on, I’ve learned all about video-editing. I reduce the background noise, take out my waffle, have my intro and outro ready to go. Mine look professional and Lindsay’s don’t. She’s wondering how I manage to record my videos without making any mistakes because it’s taking her so many tries to get it right. If she spent five minutes researching what she needed to be doing instead of trying to copy me, she might get a bit further. I’m not giving up my secrets so she can outshine me. Not a chance in Hell. She beat me at our last challenge, and she beat me to the promotion at Smith’s. This time she can take a back seat.

I’ve found something I’m good at. I send myself up, and I’ve moved into having a video gaming channel too. What I’d like to do is have Lindsay in the background of my Vlog again, but since she’s turned arsy she says I can’t record her. I record her anyway, and I’ve been telling all the men out there that at certain times of the month you just can’t win, and redirecting them to the gaming channel. Blokes are identifying with me as mystified creatures who want to make their woman happy, and yet despite their best intentions, are still in the doghouse. The number of emails I get is ridiculous. I asked Linds if she wanted to give up Smiths to be my PA, but she snarled at me and said she needed a job with employment rights as mine could vanish at any moment. Nothing like having faith in your boyfriend is there?

I was going to ask her if she wanted to move in after Christmas but I’m putting it on hold until I see where her mood’s headed. Once a month I can cope with, but if she’s planning on being a grumpy, miserable bugger for the rest of her days, then I’m going back to single life and my right hand. I actually tear up thinking about being without Lindsay. Fuck, where’s that come from? I decide to go back downstairs and give her a cuddle. She might have been having a rough day.

She thumps me in the arm. “Get off me. I’m not in the mood.”

“I’m trying to give you a cuddle.”

“Yeah, right. You just want your end away.”

“I don’t. I want to make you feel better. What’s wrong, Linds? You’re acting weird.”

She bursts into tears in front of me. Tears. Help me. My manbag with the tissues inside is still in the garden. I’m stuck with a hysterical female and no escape route.

“It’s my h-hormones.”

The H-bomb has been deployed. I repeat. The H-bomb has been deployed. Stand back, detonation imminent.

“Look, why don’t you go to bed and I’ll get my bag and make you a hot water bottle.”

Her bottom lips wobbles. “Are you going to d-ditch me?”

“What?”

“W-when you get all mega famous. Are y-you going to finish with me and take up with a woman video blogger?”

“It’s Vlogger.”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I don’t even know the terminology. How can I compete?”

I’m moving backwards and forwards as I take one step towards my manbag and then one back towards Lindsay. Then I remember she doesn’t want a cuddle, so I go toward the manbag. But she’s looking at me like she’s about to find out she has three minutes to live.

Fuck it. I take a deep breath.

“Linds?”

“Yes?” she gulps.

“I’ve been wondering if you’d want to move in with me?”

Her arms fall to her sides and her mouth drops open. She lifts her hand and wipes tears from her eyes, then grabs a piece of kitchen roll and makes a noisy blow that an elephant would be proud of achieving.

“You want me to move in?”

“Well, I did until you went a bit mental. I’m not sure now.”

Her demeanour totally changes. I wonder if she’s become one of those multiple personality people.

“Oh my God. I’d love to. When? Can it be before Christmas? I promise I’ll totally support your Vlogging, and I’ll try not to get jealous of the other females, although I can’t promise I won’t try to kill them if they come near you. Oh, my God, Ty. I’m moving in! We’re moving in together!”

“So you’re alright now then?” It’s like a miracle has been performed before me. I’m checking for Holy Water in the tap.

Lindsey deflates, “Well, actually, I’m still feeling a little delicate with my hormones, so if it’s okay, can I still have the hot water bottle and maybe a large bar of chocolate, and a cup of tea and erm, a back rub?”

She must think I fell off a log. Manipulative woman.

“Of course you can, love,” I say and direct her upstairs. Anything for a quiet night. Once she’s asleep, I can get back to my Vlog.

Sat 17th December 2016

“You and Linds are moving in together? Really? Tyler, that’s wonderful. She’s a lovely girl. I’m very pleased for you.”

“Thanks, Mum. You’ll always be my number one lady though.”

“Right answer, even though it’s a pile of crap as you blokes are all ruled by your dicks.”

I love my mum. You can talk to her openly. She’ll listen and either tell you you’re a genius or a knobhead. It’s straight talking, but I know where I stand, unlike most women’s language where you’re supposed to guess what they’re trying to tell you while they get exasperated and sigh a lot.

“So things must be going really well if you’re moving in together?”

“Mainly.”

There’s a pause. “What do you mean?”

“She’s jealous of the Vlogging stuff. Wanted to beat me at it and now she says she’s scared I’m going to go off with a female Vlogger. It’s daft.”

“Not to her it’s not.” Mum sighs. “You’ve been the same Tyler for as long as she’s known you. Even when you weren’t together, she knew what you were doing because you were at work together or chatting as mates. Now she’s in Sheffield, and she doesn’t get to see what you’re doing all day, only that you’re becoming successful. She’s threatened by the unknown.”

“Well, I’m not sure what I can do about that.”

“Just give her time. I’m sure she’ll feel better now you’re moving in together.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Anyway, how’s things with you, Mum? Got any buns in the oven?”

“Pardon?”

“Buns. Biscuits. Baking?”

“Oh yes, yes of course. Yes, lots of biscuits in the oven and a few mince pies to go in later. Not much call for buns at Christmas.”

“Well if you have any spares, drop them round, will you?”

“Course I will, darling. In fact, I’ll bring some Monday.”

“I won’t be in; I’ve got a meeting with the book people.”

“That’s okay, I have my key. I’ll leave them in the kitchen.”

“Thanks, Mum, you’re a star. Love ya.”

“Love ya too, son.”

Monday 19th December 2016

When I get home from my meeting I discover a Funko Pop elf on a shelf next to my computer. There’s a note underneath it.

T.

I’m a simple elf, sitting on your shelf.

I come bearing advice.

Show your woman on TV.

Say “You’re everything to me.”

She’ll not need telling twice.

I phone my mum.

“Thanks, Mum.”

“You found them then?”

“Them?”

“The biscuits. I left them on the kitchen side, like I said.”

“Oh yeah, they didn’t last two minutes.”

“You saved some for Lindsay, right?”

“Erm.”

“Oh, Tyler.”

“Psyche. Jo-king.”

“Tyler, please remember you’re no longer twelve. I don’t speak the language of youth.”

“No, I meant the elf.”

“What elf? Have you taken drugs? Are you hallucinating.”

Oh, so I’ve got to play along. “Oh, right, yeah that must be it. Well, Mum, I’ve been tripping, and I’ve seen an elf, and it’s telling me to make a fuss of my girlfriend on my channel and I think it’s a great idea.”

“Sounds like a highly intelligent elf.”

“It sure is. Well, I’ll see you next week at Cam’s.”

“See you then.”

“Hey, Mum.”

“Yep?”

“Has anyone else got an elf? Do I need to keep my hallucinations a secret?”

“I think that would be wise, son. But did your elf tell you he was a very special limited edition elf?”

“Really?”

“One that no one else has visiting them, so shh, or he’ll run back to the shops.”

I put the phone down and shake my head. My mum is amazing, but sometimes she’s as crazy as fuck.

“Put your makeup on. I’m doing a special feature about us on my Vlog. One that will make you feel safe and secure that I’m not running off with any Vloggers, okay?”

Lindsay looks at me and chews her lip. “Okay. But if this is a trick and you make me look stupid, I’ll twist your dick off.”

She’s so romantic.

Finally, I get her lined up on the camera, and hit the live feed.

“Hi, everyone, Ty here. Just a quick Vlog tonight to introduce you properly to my girl. This is Lindsay, who I went to all the effort for with my manbag and I’m pleased to say it worked beautifully because she’s agreed to move in with me. Say hi to everyone, Linds.”

“Hi, everyone.” She waves. Then she tongues me live. It’s a good job my camera is on a tripod and not in my hand. My bottom half is off camera, thank God, because I bet I look like a walking tripod I’m that hard.

I bring the Vlog to a close.

“Good,” Lindsay says. “That’ll show the other women you’re taken. By the way, you won me over with your manbag? Really?”

I shrug. “It’ll sell more books, and more books mean more money, and more money means we could save for a deposit on a house, rather than this rental.

“Oh my God,” she squeals and snogs me again. Then she takes me to bed.

I wink at the elf on the Shelf as I walk past it and hope to God my mother hasn’t installed a camera in it.

Chapter Eleven

Dora

Tuesday 20 December 2016

The doorbell rings as I’m taking a batch of baking out of the oven. Cursing as three of the cookies slide onto the floor, I lift the tray with the remaining ones and place it onto the worktop. If it’s a charity collector, I’ll stuff the ruined ones up their arse.

I open the door. Worse, it’s my neighbour Lynda. Now Lynda is fine. Really. We can count on each other to take in parcels, fetch each other's washing in if it rains, but I don’t class her as a friend. Harsh maybe but she’s the sort of person who if life is giving you lemons, she’d squeeze them. I don’t know why but she delights in others' misfortune while acting as if she’s being sympathetic.

“Just popped in to see how you were as you’ve not put any decorations up. It’s so unlike you, is everything alright?”

She walks past me and towards the kitchen. “I can’t stop long because Tara’s coming with Amy.”

Tara is her daughter and Amy her three-year-old granddaughter. With how she talks about them you’d think we’d had the second coming.

“Do you want a coffee?”

“Tea please, if you’ve got it?”

If I’ve got it? Who the fuck doesn’t have tea bags?

I fill and flick on the kettle and transfer the cookies onto the cooling trays. Lynda picks up one that fell on the floor, taking a bite.

I open my mouth.

“Sorry, did you want paying for it?”

“No.” I shake my head and leave her to eat it. It didn’t go past the five-second rule so she should live.

“So, why no decorations?”

I shrug my shoulders. “There’s only me bothered. We’re having Christmas at Cam’s. I gave the decorations I bought to Ty cos he didn’t have any, and couldn’t be arsed to get any more.”

She touches my arm, tilts her head and lets her mouth turn into a sad pout. “That is so not like you. Wait until you have grandchildren, you’ll get excited again. Christmas is about the young ones, isn’t it?”

I shuffle on my feet. Please God, I promise to get excited about Christmas if you don’t let me be pregnant.

“Tara’s coming to ours Christmas Eve so sorry if you hear a lot of screeching through the walls early doors, only we’ve got Amy some amazing gifts.”

“No, that’ll be fine. I’ll probably sleep through as I’m intending to get rat-arsed with having no meal to cook the next day. Leisurely opening of gifts and then food at Cam’s.” I start to warm up to the idea of a Christmas free household, where I can have a lie in.

“Well, I’m all trimmed up. I was hoping to win the neighbourhood Christmas Kerb Appeal competition, but those up the road have gone a bit OTT.”

I stand still. “What Christmas Kerb Appeal competition?”

“It was in the local newsletter that comes through the door. £200 Meadowhall shopping voucher and a real Christmas tree to the house that has the best kerb appeal.”

I fold my arms over my chest. “What’s the house up the road done?”

“They spent hours trimming it up last night. It’s got light-up reindeers and a large inflatable Santa.”

My mind flickers at one hundred miles an hour. My heart beats faster. “When does the competition close?”

“This Friday, the 23rd.”

I shrug my shoulders again. “If only I was doing Christmas. Good luck with your entry.” Then I finish making her drink and chat about nonsense as I inwardly think of my next course of action.

Tim gets home and after a visit to our bedroom to get changed he finds an elf hanging in his wardrobe.

“Dora. Come here.”

I walk upstairs, face schooled and devoid of emotion.

“What, Tim? I’m trying to finish dinner.”

“What’s this weird thing in my wardrobe? I nearly had a fucking heart attack. Is it to prevent moths?”

I pick it up. “It’s an Elf on a shelf.”

Tim’s brow furrows. “A what?”

I explain the significance of them.

“What’s it doing in my wardrobe?”

“I’ve no idea.” I look around the wardrobe and then gaze at the floor and pick up the note that has fallen off. “Here, what’s this?”

T/D

I’m an elf, hanging round

Not making a sound.

Christmas should go pop.

With a small hat on top.

I don’t want these with cheese.

But at Christmas we need them, pretty please.

“It’s crackers. I get it,” Tim exclaims over my shoulder. “But who’s it from?”

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“No. It’s a puzzle. The answer is Christmas crackers.”

“Oh,” I exclaim. “So it is. Well, it says T/D which could mean Tim and Dora, or it could mean Tim/Dad. I reckon it’s from Cam. I bet she wants us to have Christmas crackers after all and this is her way of avoiding the embarrassment of admitting it.”

“Can you get her some then?”

“No. She might not want me to know about it. You can get them when you buy your family’s Christmas presents.”

“What?” splutters Tim.

“I told you. I’m not doing the Christmas thing, so either you buy and wrap your family’s presents, or no one gets anything. You implied I was wasting money remember?”

“On decorations. I didn’t mean don’t buy presents.”

I walk out of the room.

My mobile phone rings.

“Dora.”

“Hey, Dylan. Is everything okay with, Cam?”

“Yes, fine. I wondered if you could offer some advice? It would mean keeping a secret.”

I sit back, waiting for a juicy titbit. “Of course. Anything.”

“Leo’s going to propose to Beth.”

I almost choke. “Pardon?”

“The thing is. You said no to Tim. Do you think Beth will say yes?”

“I’m sure she will. She loves Leo dearly.”

“But you love Tim, yet you still said no. He wants to do it on Christmas Day, but he’s too nervous in front of everyone.”

“Dylan. My situation with Cam’s dad is entirely different. Tim told me for many, many years that he didn’t want to get married. It was hurtful at the time, and all these years later I won’t officially marry him. We have our post-it note though.”

“So you really think she’ll say yes?”

“I really do. Now, how is he planning to do it?”

“I don’t think he’s got that far yet.”

“Well, I know a good trick using a Christmas pudding…”

Time to give the daughter a call.

“Cam, darling.”

“Hi, Mum, what’s up? Only I’ve only just got in.”

“Not keeping you. You know how I gave Tyler those decorations?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’d like to propose to trim up the outside of your house. I realise it would need to be tasteful, but I thought we could raise money for charity as part of that Christmas Kerb Appeal competition.”

“So what did you have in mind, Mum?”

I tell her my plans.

“That sounds wonderful. Should raise lots of money for charity and can promote Kid Zone at the same time.”

“And it means I can still do something towards Christmas.”

“I love it. I give you a free reign over the outside of the house.”

Thanks, darling.

I walk into the bedroom later that night dressed as a naughty elf and give Tim an early Christmas present. It’s been a bloody good day.

Chapter Twelve

Beth

Wednesday 21 December 2016

You think life may actually be going well for you and then bam, just like that. A bolt from the blue. In this case a bolt from the blue-rinsed Mrs Dodds who lives nearby. She catches me as I’m taking Trey for a walk to the park.

“Hello, lovie. Are you all settled in?”

“Yes, thank you. Looking forward to our first Christmas there. How are you?”

“Oh, well, you know. I’d be alright if that GP at the practice would take me seriously when I say my jaw hurts.”

This is unsurprising news, given that she never shuts up.

“Anyway, are you all better now?”

“Sorry? We’re all fine.”

“Oh, only I noticed the nurse visit the other day.”

“Nurse?”

“Yes, love. She passed me in her car and then went up to yours. I was worried something had happened to the little one.”

“No. We’re all fine.” I start to wonder why a nurse would have visited our house and if so, why Leo wouldn’t have mentioned it.

“Oh. Well, I know I’m old, but it was definitely a nurse. Although she didn’t look as if she wanted to be seen.”

“I’m sure it was nothing. Anyway, we’re all fine, so that’s what matters.”

“Very true, love.”

Mrs Dodds goes on her way. Leaving me wondering if we are fine if there’s a mystery woman coming to the house.

I’m about to question Leo on my return. However, he’s on the phone and so ensconced in his conversation he doesn’t realise I’m back. I direct Trey to his toys in the living room and listen at the edge of the door.

“No, she has no idea.”

What?

“Don’t worry I have a locked drawer in my desk now, so she can’t see it.”

He makes more umming and aahing noises. “Feeling shaky about it to be honest. What if it goes wrong? No, no way is it happening until Christmas. She’ll be surrounded by family and friends. That’s what she’d want.”

Oh my fucking God. Is he dying?

“Well, thanks for the advice and for keeping the secret. Not long now and it will be out in the open. I need to keep calm and carry on until then. Yep, bye.”

I scurry away from the doorway and into the lounge and hand Trey some toys.

Leo wanders in, his eyes widen.

“Beth! How long have you been back?”

“We just got in. Listen, we saw Mrs Dodds. She said a nurse was here a few days ago.”

Leo pulls a face. “What would a nurse be doing here?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.”

“There’s no nurse been here, Beth. She’s obviously going senile. Right, I’m making a brew, do you want one?”

With that, he walks out of the room. My heart thuds in my chest. Is he ill? I can’t lose him when we’ve only recently found each other, but it looks like he’s going to make me wait until Christmas before he tells me. Until then I need to keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t overdo things.

Thursday 22 December 2016

The following day I go into work and tell Cam everything.

“Why didn’t you ask him if he was ill?”

“Because if he is, I’m not sure I can face it. Anyway, there are only a few more days. I’ll go ahead and propose on Christmas Day, until death do us part and all that.”

Cam shakes her head. “Beth you’re running away again.”

I change the subject. “What do you think is in his desk drawer?”

“How do I know? His last will and testament?”

“Oh my God. What if it is? What if Leo’s going to die?” I clutch Cam’s arm.

“Beth,” Cam shouts. “Leo is not terminally ill. He’ll have been discussing a Christmas present. The guys have been chatting among themselves. Now get a grip and get in the kitchen.”

My bottom lips wobbles.

“Jesus. I’ll ask Dylan if he knows anything, okay? Now calm down.”

“Can you ring him, like right now? It would help.”

Fifteen minutes later, Cam looks into the kitchen. “He’s not dying, but that’s all I can tell you. You’ll find out at Christmas.”

“Tell me,” I shout. “What’s going on?”

“Nope. Can’t explain the nurse though. That old biddy is probably seeing things.”

I take a deep breath. “Thanks, Cam.”

“What are best mates for?”

Indeed. Now, what is my other half really up to?

Chapter Thirteen

Dylan

Well after saying I’d keep Leo’s proposal a secret, I’ve told Dora and now Cam, who seemed ecstatic to know that Leo wasn’t dying. How the female mind works is really beyond me. I swore her to secrecy, and she said no problem; she was good at keeping them. Now, I’m wondering what secrets she’s keeping from me. I’m glad the Christmas do is becoming a joint engagement party because, to be honest, I’d wondered if Cam was all that interested in getting married. She’d loved the proposal, and for a couple who were really into each other, we couldn’t leave each other alone at first. Then the business took over and well, I know she has to work hard, but she’s always tired. I’m going to chat with her in the New Year about handing over more responsibility to Gemma. Cam has Sunday’s off, and I think she needs one other day off a week. She’s been looking tired and pale this last week or so, but as stubborn as usual, refuses to see the doctor as that would mean taking time off.

So in the meantime, I’m cooking the dinner when I get home from the bank so she gets a decent meal, even if half the time it's gone ten pm by the time she eats it. I spend most of my evenings with our cat Bob and doing DIY in the new house. It’s only around the corner from my old house, but we wanted a fresh start together, and this one has three bedrooms and a separate dining room.

I lift open my toolbox and scream. There’s a fucking evil elf in it. How the hell has that got there? There’s a note.

D.

Sometimes when you can’t admit things yourself.

You send in a friend, an Elf on the Shelf.

I thought a buffet would be a winner.

But actually, I think we need a dinner.

So keep my secret but help me out.

Cook up a feast and don’t forget the sprouts.

Bloody hell. Cam’s turning into her mother with her daft ideas. Still, we’ve an extra fridge and freezer in the garage from when we put our two households together. I grab a pen and paper and make a list. I’ll put the food in there, though if she didn’t feel like cooking, she could have asked instead of using this daft elf. Perhaps she was scared I’d say no. We really are going to have to get our heads together. She’s taking too much on, and it’s having an impact on me. I have a full-time job of my own, and now I have Christmas dinner to cook when we could have been going around to Dora’s after a lie-in. Things need to change.

Cam

For fuck’s sake, I must be frigging insane. I couldn’t find the outfit Beth got from Leo, so I bought some thick red ribbon from the local haberdashery store instead. I get home, feeling absolutely jiggered. Christmas at the play centre has been insane with all the parties and our own events. The circus folk went down really well, and I’ll definitely team up with them again for some fun activities at the Centre. After swallowing down the lovely roast dinner left in the oven by Dylan, I excuse myself to my room where I attempt to wrap the ribbon around me. I wrap from my back to my bust twice and then try to put it between my legs and back up, which is how Beth described hers. This is how Dylan finds me when he walks into our bedroom with folded washing in his hand.

“Erm…”

“Fuck this.” I try to unwrap the ribbon, but as I take a step forward, I trip over the bit trailing on the floor and faceplant the bed. The ribbon between my legs almost slices my innards.

“Cam. What are you doing?” Dylan asks, placing the washing down on the chest of drawers.

“I’m trying to be a Sexy Santa,” I reply, my voice muffled through the duvet cover.

“Oooh,” says Dylan, jumping on the bed.

I roll over. “Well it hasn’t worked has it, so bugger off.”

“Not a chance.” There’s a devilish glint in Dylan’s eye. “Stay there, I’ll be back in a moment.”

He returns from the bathroom with nail scissors and removes the ribbon wrapped tightly around my body, cutting it into three pieces. One he blindfolds me with, and the other two he uses to tie my wrists to the headboard.

“Oooh, Mrs Christmas. I think my present for you is coming.” Dylan’s voice is full of mischief as he parts my legs and delivers.

Chapter Fourteen

Dora

Friday 23 December 2016.

Busy day today. I’m up with the lark ensuring the baking is well under way. Then I fill the car up with all the stuff I need for the outside of Cam’s house. The judges are visiting later tonight, so everything has to be right. I walked up the street to check on the neighbours up the road last night. Their house looks ridiculous. There are so many lights I’m surprised aircraft haven’t tried landing. I said hello, and the guy there looked at me smugly. He so thinks he’s winning. His ego as inflated as his inflatables.

Miranda’s coming with the cats later this afternoon. Only a couple of days and then she’ll be back home. Bloody wish I could have stuck her round Cam’s though.

As I’m finishing washing the dishes after lunch, Lynda pops her head over the fence and calls to me. Sighing, I dry my hands on the towel and open the back door. “Everything alright?”

“No. Our Amy’s been admitted to hospital with a sickness bug and we want to go over and see her. The thing is, we don’t know how long we’ll be and wondered if you could feed Jasper if we’re not back tonight?”

Jasper is their one-year-old whippet. A cute thing that sleeps most of the day.

“Will he be okay on his own?”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’ll put him in his basket in the kitchen. But if you could feed him that’ll be a load off my mind.”

“Not a problem. Gosh, I hope Amy’s isn’t stuck in hospital at Christmas.”

“You and me both. Well, here’s the key. I’ll leave the alarm off. Thanks, Dora.”

“Not a problem,” I tell her. When I go back inside, I think how fortunate I am that my family are all happy and healthy.

Miranda irritates me within minutes of her arrival.

“Dora, sweetie. Have you put on weight? Your tummy looks a little swollen.”

“I’ve been eating too many baking leftovers,” I complain. “Haven’t been able to get to the gym either.”

“Well as long as that’s all it is, and not a… you know.”

“It’s a large poo waiting to come out, Miranda, a bit like what’s coming out of your mouth. Come on, let’s get your stuff in your room.”

“My babies are not stuff,” she huffs.

I smile as it stops my teeth gnashing. “Anyway, we’re off to Cam’s tonight for the final of the Christmas Kerb Appeal competition. The judges will visit later. It’s all hands on deck as we’re raising money for charity.” I yawn.

“Keeping you up?” quips Miranda.

“I’m knackered. I had to go back to Cam’s today, only I took a load of stuff around last night and started to trim up but when I climbed up to stick the motifs on the windows I found Cam dressing up too.” I wink.

“Oh my God. Please tell me she didn’t see you?”

“Course not. I’ll tell you something though,” I nudge her. “I can see what she sees in Dylan.”

We both cackle.

“You know what else tiredness is a sign of?” Miranda says.

I groan and try not to think about it.

Things go better than I could ever have anticipated and it starts when I go to feed Jasper. He flies past me, straight out of the door. I’ve never seen him move so fast; he’s in my house before I can say dinner. I run after him, watching as my sister's cats scatter to separate corners of the lounge.

“Oh my God, he’ll kill them,” yells Miranda, and opens a window to let one escape.

There’s a mad scramble as three cats and a whippet make a dash for freedom. Myself and Miranda run down the estate but the pets are too fast for us.

“They’re heading for the house with the lights on it,” I shout.

Tim has locked up and runs after us with a cat basket in each hand. Finally, I catch up with Jasper who is barking at one of the inflatable Santas, a cat perched atop. I grab him and hoist him into my arms and start back down the street. “I’m going to put Jasper back in his house. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

When I return, Tim has two full cat baskets, and Miranda has Sock in her arms. I glance around. Two of the inflatables are deflating due to puncture wounds. Thank God the owners are still at work.

“Quick, we need to get out of here,” I tell Tim and Miranda. “Let’s get over to Cam’s. I need a drink.”

“Hello, and welcome to Rotherham Live and the conclusion of this year’s Christmas Kerb Appeal. We’re live outside Camille Turner and Dylan Ball’s house in Florence Gardens, Treeton. Sonia’s over at the Smith’s house in Moss Street, Greasborough.”

A monitor shows Sonia at the other house. “Thank you, Russ. Yes, it’s all to play for in our final. So let’s have a tour of the finalists houses.”

The Smith’s have managed to pull everything together with the help of a little tape, and their house does look pretty with its wonderful lights. However, it’s not a patch on Cam’s.

The garden shed has been emptied and turned into a Santa’s Grotto. Children and parents from Kid Zone have arrived to see Santa. The money raised will go to a local children's hospice. Their patio area has been turned into a Christmas drinks bar, based on the sleigh bar we went to in town. The parents enjoy a hot Pimms, which raises more money at £2 a drink, after their kids see Santa, with hot chocolates at 50p each for the children. The house is trimmed with traditional lanterns, and looks stunning, if I say so myself.

“This is amazing,” says Cam. “You’ve outdone yourself this year.”

I smile.

“Mum, I know we’re not having Christmas at yours, and it seemed like you’d lost interest in the season, but this is better than all the meals and decor you’ve ever done at home. I’ve loved your Christmases, but this is benefiting those less fortunate. You’re a star. I love you, Mum.”

She clinches me in a hug and kisses my head, just as the Judge declares Cam’s house the winner.

Russ, the presenter, wants to hand over the £200 voucher live on air. That’s a twat as I was hoping to keep it a secret and have a blowout in Waterstones. Oh, well, I guess it’s time to be even more charitable in this season of Goodwill.

“Thank you, Russ, but could it be donated to the charity instead?”

Russ kisses my hand. “That’s an amazing thing to do, Dora. Not only will we give them this voucher, I’ve just spoken with my bosses at Rotherham Live” - he touches his headset - “and we’ll match it with a £200 donation, so that’s £400 going to the hospice.”

Everyone hollers and cheers.

“Thank you so much.” I give Russ a hug.

We carry on celebrating until the drinks are gone, and all the children have seen Santa, who looks a lot like Tim.

Russ walks over to say goodbye. “So what time is best for the tree to be delivered?” he asks Cam.

Cam’s brow furrows. “What tree?”

“As well as the gift voucher you’ve won a completely decorated 6ft Christmas Tree, donated by Argos. We’ll need to put it in your house and take some pictures for the press.”

“Anytime tomorrow will be okay won’t it, Cam? I can come and oversee things while you’re at Kid Zone.”

“That’ll be great, Mum,” Cam says through tight lips.

Score one for Dora. There’ll be a tree at Christmas dinner after all.

Chapter Fifteen

Camille

Christmas Day 2016

“Merry Christmas, fiancée.” My first present of the day is poking me in the back. I turn over and pull Dylan towards me for a kiss.

“Merry Christmas to you too.”

Dylan swings his legs out of bed.

“What are you doing?”

“Starting to get things ready.”

I rub my eye. “Dylan, people aren’t coming until four.”

He beams at me. “I changed things. For a surprise. I know how you secretly wanted a proper dinner so close family are coming for two pm and the buffet at seven. Christmas dinner and then our housewarming/engagement party.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, everything is in hand. As long as I stick to my timetable. You lie in bed; you’ve looked pale and tired all week. If everyone is opening presents after lunch, you’ve nothing to rush for. I’ll bring you a cuppa up in ten.”

With that, my fiancé leaves the room. I’m too tired to wonder what he’s going on about and turn over and go back to sleep.

At two pm, bang on time, Dylan serves up the most splendid Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Famished, I realise that a buffet wouldn’t have been the same on Christmas Day. He’s totally getting a blow job tonight.

The house is packed with my mum and dad, Tyler and Lindsay, Beth, Leo and Trey, Gemma and us. Dylan’s parents had gone to his sisters with her having the new baby and are coming round for the evening buffet.

Beth is fussing around Leo something chronic, despite my reassurance that he’s not ill. She keeps passing him more food and asking if he’s okay. One of them needs to hurry up and propose. Trey has been truly spoilt and is currently getting to pull the other half of people’s crackers, the one’s my dad insisted on bringing, and is collecting all the crap that comes with them. Only a child could get excited about a cheap spinning top or one of those curling fish. They do bring back memories though, and Bob has stayed out of the way so far. Auntie Miranda left her cats in her room at Mum and Dad’s house. She says she’s not letting them out again due to some incident yesterday when they escaped. My mum seems very quiet which is worrying, though she has a huge smile on her face.

“Right, who wants dessert?” I ask.

“Let me help you bring it in,” yells Leo.

“I’ll get some drinks,” says Beth.

Beth and Leo walk back into the room, Beth holding two glasses of champagne and Leo two bowls containing individual size Christmas puddings. They put them down and sit near each other.

“Are you going to have a drink of that champagne? It’s lovely,” says Beth.

“After you have a bite of Christmas Pudding,” says Leo, gesturing towards it.

“What? No. Drink, er, please,” adds Beth.

“I don’t want a drink. I want you to eat some Christmas Pudding.”

“Why don’t you want to drink? Are you ill? Are you dying?” Beth holds a hand to her chest and whimpers.

“What?”

I snap my fingers in front of their faces. “Beth, eat some goddamn pudding. Leo, get a drink. Now.”

They stare at me and then do as instructed.

Leo finds a wedding ring in his drink.

Beth finds an engagement ring in her pudding.

“Oh, my God,” Beth squeals.

Leo holds up the ring and bellows with laughter. “Great minds, darling.”

“Will you marry me?” they say at the same time.

“Yes.” They reply in unison.

Everyone congratulates them and we toast their engagement.

After that, it’s Christmas present opening time. Auntie Miranda has what resembles a heart attack when she opens my mum’s gift.

“It’s true. What Brenda confirmed. It’s coming true.”

“What?” my mum asks. “What’s up with you now?”

“Look.” She waves her card around. “You’ve booked me on a minibreak for two to Liverpool. That’s the pool in my future. It’s got to be.”

“A minibreak for two, Mum?” I question. “And who are you going with Auntie Miranda?”

“Oh, I’ll take your mum, of course.”

“Surprising,” I quip. “Whereabouts is it, Mother?”

“It’s a luxury private apartment above Waterstones. It’s booked for February.”

“Waterstones? Oh, my God, it’s heaven.” My aunt gasps, “and that’s the literary bit. This trip is meant to be, Dora.”

I walk up to my mother. “You totally booked that on purpose, didn’t you? It’s not fair to encourage her, you know.”

“I deny any involvement with making her predictions come true. I’m totally going to try and get her a bloke while we’re there. I’d better save for a book splurge too.”

“Poor Auntie Miranda. A new project.”

We’re interrupted when Tyler stands up on a chair. “Right, enough now everyone. We’ve had Christmas dinner. Two proposals, present unwrapping, now it’s time for it to be my birthday, before the engagement party takes off.”

Everyone looks at him wide-eyed.

“Oh fuck,” I say.

“No.” He stamps on the chair seat. “You are seriously shitting me. Last year I got an eviction notice, and this year no one remembered? I’m disowning the lot of you. Come on, Linds, we’re going home. We’ll have my birthday there. Alone, without these attention seeking people.”

Everyone bursts out laughing.

“Go under the tree, Ty. Look for the box that’s not wrapped in Christmas paper,” I tell him.

Tyler unwraps some new recording equipment. “We all put into it,” I tell him. “It was recommended on the Gadget Show.”

“It’s amazing.” He lifts out a GoPro Hero4. “I’ve always wanted one of these.”

We let Tyler’s birthday be celebrated for the next hour and make a huge fuss of the big baby. It must be shit sharing your birthday with Christmas though. He records everybody which makes Lindsay Cross live up to her name as he’d promised he wouldn’t spend the day distracted by tech.

“Leave him, Linds. It’s his birthday,” I tell her.

“Yes, well he’s got another present yet.”

I’m about to ask her what it is, when my aunt interrupts. “Right everyone, well the ladies that is. We’re all off to the bathroom for a little experiment. Back soon, boys.”

She waves us all upstairs.

“Look, I thought this was a little crazy but then Brenda’s prediction about my future came true, so we’ll go with my gut feelings and all do one of these.” She waves five pregnancy sticks at us.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Auntie Miranda,” I say. “None of us needs to do one of those.”

“I’ll have one,” says my mum, and goes into the bathroom.

I sit gobsmacked.

“Actually, I’ll do one,” says Beth.

“Me too,” adds Lindsay.

They’ve all cracked.

“I don’t need to do one. There’s no man in my life right now,” says Gemma glumly.

“Mine either, honey,” says Auntie Miranda. “We’ll make it a New Year’s Resolution, yeah?”

“Yeah. Why not?” Gemma replies, “Right now I’m going to drink my weight in Baileys.”

“Don’t tell the guys what we’re doing,” says Auntie Miranda. “It’s a surprise.”

With Gemma gone, my auntie looks at me. “Fine,” I tell her, “but seriously, let it be recorded that you’re even crazier than my mother.”

My mum comes out first. “Fucking, yes. I’m not pregnant. Whoo hoo.” She pulls her arm down with her fist raised.

Beth is next out of the bathroom. “Not me.”

Lindsay had gone to the downstairs loo, so there was only me to go into the bathroom.

“Negative,” I announce. “Are you satisfied now, Auntie? Come on, let’s get ready for our engagement party. Christmas games are usually Trivial Pursuit, you know?”

“I still have a feeling.”

“Maybe you need to pee?”

We walk downstairs. Tyler is filming us as we walk back into the room.

“What’ve you been doing?”

“You’re better off not knowing, bro. A complete waste of ten minutes.”

Aunt Miranda huffs past me and goes to sit in the chair, stroking Bob, who has come downstairs and has so far has steered clear of the tree.

Lindsay comes in. “Right, Tyler, can you come over to the table so I can give you your present?”

“Did you do a test?” interrupts Miranda.

“I didn’t need to,” replies Lindsay. “Now, can I ask everyone be quiet while I speak to Tyler.”

“What test?” asks Tyler, still recording.

“Tyler, could you put your camera down for this please?” she asks.

“Aww, Linds. This camera’s epic. I want to record my present.”

“Fine.” She takes out a wrapped rectangular box. “Shall I open it for you then?”

“Please.”

“Always been lazy,” says my mum. “Now he can’t even open a present himself. I spoiled him. I know I did.”

Lindsay tears off the wrapping paper to reveal a pregnancy test. Not the design of the ones we’d been given from my Auntie.

“What’s that?” says Tyler. “Some kind of atmospheric sensor for recording in damp weather?”

“It’s a pregnancy test, Tyler.” I tell him, removing the camera from his hand and taking over the recording.

He reaches for the stick. “What?”

“It’s your other present, Tyler. I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby.”

Ty starts to wobble, and I wonder if he’s going to pass out. However, my aunt chooses that time to scream “I told you so. I told you I had a feeling.” Bob leaps from her lap, paws out and nails retracted and launches straight into the tree. We all stare as it teeters and falls, right on top of my brother. His reaction to the news is unknown while we try to find him under the boughs and discarded decorations.

“Tyler. Tyler. Are you okay?” my mum yells, pulling it away. “I’m sorry. I should never have plotted to get that tree in here. Now my baby is hurt.”

The tree is removed, and Tyler sits up. He looks concussed.

“Lindsay. Did you just tell me you’re pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“That’s fucking epic.” Ty rubs his head. “I mean… wow. I’m going to be a dad.” Then he passes out.

“And you’re going to be a grandma, just like you’ve wanted,” Aunt Miranda tells my mum.

“Oh wow. I am. I’m going to be a grandma.” My mum grins and then her smile drops as the words sink in. “Oh my God, I’m not old enough.” Mum goes hysterical and clutches hold of my dad.

“Open your own extra present, Dora,” says my dad, who reveals two tickets to Tenerife, flying out tomorrow. “You can get your head around it on a chair by the pool,” he tells her. She flings her arms around him. “We’re going away?”

“Yes, love. I’ve had enough of Christmas. Let’s get some sun.”

Tyler comes around, although he drinks a lot of sherry and never seems to lose his shocked face. I let him know it’s all on film to watch later.

Seven pm comes around and it’s onto our engagement party.

Dylan shouts for quiet. “Thanks everyone for coming to celebrate our engagement, but it doesn’t feel right to only celebrate our own good fortune. So here’s to the other engaged couple of the moment, and a hearty celebration to the baby news too.”

We all cheer.

“Now, let’s get pissed and celebrate,” he yells. “Except you, Lindsay, of course. Lemonade okay?”

Chapter Sixteen

Beth

We make it home and relax by the fireplace, the fire started, all glowing and warm.

“I can’t believe Tyler’s going to be a father,” says Leo.

“Me neither. You’ll have to give him a helping hand.”

“Can’t really help him with the newborn stage, can I?” he says and I wince.

“Oh, I don’t mean anything by that, Beth. I’m just being honest. Really, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. I’d be bricking myself, like he no doubt is.”

“Is that so?” I reply and take out the test wrapped in toilet paper from my bag. I hand it to Leo. He looks at the little blue line.

His jaw drops. “You’re pregnant?”

“No. We’re pregnant.”

He leaps to his knees. “Oh my God. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I reckon it happened the night you got me that outfit, the red one. When Miranda gave me the test, I just did it to shut her up. She’s like another Dora. I wasn’t telling everyone though. You missed out last time, this time it needs to be special for you.”

“Oh my God. I can’t believe it. Another child with my beautiful fiancée. Hey, can we get married quickly? I want you to be my wife as soon as possible.”

“Anytime you want is fine with me.”

He pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. “I’ve a lot to thank that little red ribbon costume for. Any time you want to hide a sexy Santa outfit in my drawer, go right ahead.”

I lean back and peer at him. “What are you talking about?”

The outfit you left, with the note. I have to say though, that fucking elf nearly made me crap my pants, so leave that out next time.

Elf? My mind works furiously. If not Leo, who would leave a Sexy Santa outfit in our house? What with that and the mystery nurse. Then it comes to me. Someone who likes naughty outfits. Someone who no doubt thought they’d disguise themselves as a nurse. Bloody Dora. I’m changing the locks. Though at least I have a babysitter for life, because she’s responsible for this new one. I stroke my stomach.

With Trey in bed fast asleep. Leo and I make slow, sweet love in front of the fire. I feel totally at home and settled for the first time in years.

Dora

It’s not until I get back from two weeks of sun, sea and shagging that I realise I missed my appointment to change my coil. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. Won’t it?

THE END

Coming Soon

Curve Balls

by

Andie M. Long

Tyler’s had the shock of his life. Is he ready to be a fully-fledged adult with responsibilities?

Dylan’s had enough of Cam’s business taking over their life and gives her an ultimatum.

Beth and Leo are keeping their own secrets.

Dora’s period’s late and she’s found out she’s going to be a grandmother. In true Dora style, she runs away. This time on a pre-booked mini-break to Liverpool with her sister.

Gemma’s mum causes further concern.

Life is throwing Curve Balls at the Turner Family and friends.

Coming February 2017.

More by Andie M. Long

THE ALPHA SERIES

The Alphabet Game

Amazon: http://getbook.at/alphabetgame

The Alphabet Game: Play It Playbook

http://getbook.at/playthealphabet

The Alphabet Wedding:

Amazon: http://getbook.at/alphabetwedding

The Calendar Game: Amazon: http://getbook.at/calendargame

The Baby Game: Amazon: http://getBook.at/BabyGame

The Alpha Series Boxset: Amazon: http://getbook.at/Alphaseriesboxset

THE BALL GAMES SERIES

Balls (Book One): Amazon: http://getbook.at/AmazonBallsOne

Snow Balls (Book Two): Amazon: http://getbook.at/AmazonSnowBalls2

New Balls Please (Book Three): Amazon: http://getbook.at/NewBallsPlease

Balls Fore (Book Four): Amazon: http://getbook.at/BallsFore

The Ball Games Bundle (One to Four): Amazon: http://getbook.at/BallGamesBundle

THE VILLAGE PEOPLE SERIES

Co-written with DH Sidebottom

THE BUNK UP (Book One): Amazon: http://getbook.at/bunkup

THE DUST UP (Book Two): Coming 2017

ALSO AVAILABLE

UNDERNEATH: Amazon: http://getbook.at/underneath1

JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF MYSELF:

Amazon: http://getbook.at/Journeycentre

Receive The Alphabet Wedding and Quickies ebooks for FREE by signing up to Andie’s newsletter via http://eepurl.com/-mm-9

About Andie

Andie M. Long is author of The Alpha series which includes Amazon Number One Erotic Thriller The Alphabet Game; Co-writer of the Amazon Number One Erotic Romance/Adult fiction bestseller The Bunk Up with DH Sidebottom and The Ball Games series, amongst others.

She lives in Sheffield with her son and long suffering partner.

When not being partner, mother, employee or writer she can usually be found on Facebook or walking her whippet, Bella.

Andie will be signing in Birmingham, Liverpool and Newcastle 2017 and York 2018.

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