(in)visible
Talie D. Hawkins

Kindle Edition
copyright 2015, T. D. Hawkins

1.

The rush of the evening commuters had come and gone. They’d always arrive in a whirlwind, desperate to get a jolt of caffeine to help them through the rest of the night and whatever was waiting for them at home. Once they were gone, the coffee shop always seemed too quiet. This is when I would sneak my schoolbooks behind the counter and get to work on my homework. It was just after 10:00 pm and I was deep in thought as I typed my American History paper on WWI. The bell that chimed when someone would walk in startled me. The coffee shop had had one customer in the last hour and my mind was too comfortable with the quiet. I heard them before I saw them. A large group of kids from my school walked in and it was obvious that they had been drinking. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what was about to come.

“I need coffee,” one girl slurred at me. It was freezing outside and she was wearing a silver mini-dress that hugged her curves. I wondered how she wasn’t suffering from hypothermia. I also hoped she hadn’t been behind the wheel.

As she and her group of friends ordered their drinks I could see the headlights of other cars pulling into the parking spaces outside. More kids from school spilled in, rowdy and obnoxious. I made their drinks and tried to keep each order short and sweet, but then I caught sight of Logan. He was one of the last people to walk in. My mind instantly flashed to when we were six years old, and I couldn’t help but notice that he looked the same. His sandy hair was still threatening to be curly, and there was the faintest smear of freckles that rested on the bridge of his nose. His blue eyes still looked like they were up to something.

“I said a vanilla latte!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Coming right up!” I shook off my little trip down memory lane and got to work on one of my school’s beloved cheerleader’s drinks. Once everyone was served, they regrouped in the center of the shop and talked about where the next party was. I saw Logan excuse himself as he stumbled to the bathroom. One by one they started to file out and drive off. I just prayed they had all had enough coffee to sober up. I glanced at the clock and was relieved that it was time to lock up. I started cleaning up for the night, putting dishes away and wiping down tables.

“Dicks!” I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard Logan yell. “I can’t believe they took off without me!” I was clutching the front of my apron, trying to calm my racing heart when he looked in my direction.

“You scared the crap out of me!” I managed to say.

“Meg?” He asked as if he didn’t know, but he knew. He shook his head as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “My cell was in Blaine’s car. Can I use your phone to get a ride?”

“I’ll give you a ride home.”

“Really? Thanks.”

I locked up the shop behind us and walked awkwardly to my car as he followed. We got into my little silver hatch back and I prayed he wouldn’t puke in it. I didn’t have much, but I had slaved to save up for my car. It would be heartbreaking to have it violated in that way. As we pulled out he started to explain how to get to his house.

“Logan, I know where you live. I was your neighbor until fourth grade.”

“Right, sorry. I forgot.”

How could he, really? I wished I could. He was with my brother and me every day. It had been six years since Noah died. Six years since we moved away because my mother couldn’t stomach looking at his bedroom. I spent all of fourth grade not speaking- even to Logan. Nothing in my world made sense when Noah died. My big brother was taken from me and I wanted nothing to do with the world. Logan and I drifted and became strangers. He never once asked about any of it, and I was fine with that because I had nothing to say. Even on this car ride, with his drunk ass next to me, I preferred that we act like strangers.

I pulled up in front of his house. It looked exactly the same. He had no idea that some nights I parked across the street from this spot so I could picture my brother and me on the lawn, playing and screaming until my mom called us in for dinner. I tried not to look in his direction, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was almost asleep with his head turned in my direction. “We’re here,” I said, as I wondered how we had become strangers to each other so easily.

“Thanks for the ride,” he slurred as he opened the door.

“No worries.”

He turned in my direction one more time before going, but left whatever was on his mind unspoken before he walked away. I didn’t drive off right away. Instead, I watched him stumble to his front door and go inside. I must have walked through that door a hundred times when we were kids. I wondered if the giant painting of hydrangeas still greeted people when they walked in. I took a deep breath and shook off my melancholy. It was time to head home, but something told me my past would keep me awake.

2

The sound of rain woke me up the next morning. Not having the sun come out tricked me into sleeping longer than I had planned. Luckily it was Saturday and my day off from the coffee shop. I didn’t have much planned besides studying and picking up my paycheck. It seemed like the perfect day to sip a latte and relax with my books. I forced myself out of bed and grabbed a pair of jeans and a white tee shirt as I headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I took a moment to stare at the dark rings under my eyes. It had taken a long time for me to fall asleep and it showed. The rings took away from the green of my eyes. I thought about covering them up with make up but decided against it. Who would I be trying to impress anyway?

My blonde curls were a mess, so I scooped them up into a ponytail and sprayed them with something that was supposed to help with the frizz. I grabbed my black pea coat off of the hook and headed into the rain. The tops of my red converse got wet so I made sure to turn on the foot heater once my car was warmed up.

I was greeted by the shop owners, Betsy and Mark, as soon as I walked in. “Meg, we give you the weekend off so you can do fun things.” Betsy was always encouraging me to be more social.

“I can’t have much fun without my paycheck.” I smiled a shy smile at her and heard Mark laugh a little under his breath as he prepared someone’s drink. “You’ll have to put up with me for a little while. I have to study.”

“Have to or want to?” She asked.

“Is it bad if I choose both?” She didn’t answer. Just shook her head at me.

“I’ll make your chai latte,” she said with disappointment in her tone.

I went to where the comfortable sofas were and plopped my backpack down, but I was startled when someone touched my shoulder from behind. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump.” It was Logan. “I just wanted to say thanks for the ride. Last night is a blur. I’m sorry if I said or did anything stupid.” My brain had to take in the fact that he was speaking to me.

“It’s fine. You were fine.” I stared at him, not knowing what else to say, but I could see there was more on his mind.

“There you are. What’s taking so long, Logan?” Blaine Evans announced as she walked into the shop. It was hard not to notice how perfect she was. Not a strand of her straight, dark hair was out of place, and her make up hid any evidence of the hangover she must have been nursing. “I thought you were getting coffee? My head is killing me.” She rolled her eyes as she said it. Logan squeezed his eyes shut for a second. It looked like he was trying to brace himself.

“You’re not working today?”

“No, I just came in to study.”

“Oh, then I’m glad I caught you. I’ll see you at school.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and joined Blaine at the counter. A few minutes later they were headed out. He paused at the door to give me a small smile before he left.

Once I was satisfied that I had committed every detail of my American History class to memory, I packed up and headed to my favorite place- the bookstore. I had a few things on hold, and was excited for some new reading material. Parker, who worked at the book store, was the closest thing I had to a friend.

“What’s shakin’ bacon?” he asked as soon as he saw me. I smiled at his familiar greeting.

“Not much. I have been pretty darn bored.”

“Well, here- these should help,” He said as he plopped my stack of books on the counter. “Is this all you do for fun, Meg?” he asked as he rang me up.

“Should I do something else? Isn’t that bad for business?”

“Well, you are my family’s best customer.” He handed me my bag and I thanked him. Once I was home, I plopped on my bed and got cozy. I cracked open a book and started to read, but something in the back of my mind kept nagging at me. It was Logan. I didn’t know why, but my mind kept circling back to him. I had been able to shove our friendship away to a place where I kept it hidden, but more memories crawled their way back to me and it made it impossible to concentrate.

3

I tried to pretend it wasn’t Monday, even though my alarm clock relentlessly beeped in my ear. I slapped it a little harder than necessary and got myself ready for school. My mom was at the kitchen table, sipping coffee in her robe. I was surprised to see she had made some toast. I was used to fending for myself when it came to food. My mom had given up on most of her responsibilities after my brother died. It didn’t seem to matter that I needed her.

“Thanks Mom.” I grabbed a slice and smeared strawberry jam and butter on it.

“Grab a coat. It’s chilly out.” This was her effort at parenting. She didn’t even bother to look at me as she said it. If she had, she would have seen that my jacket was on.

I was in a fog as I entered the school building. My weekend had been weird, and I was pretty tired from lack of sleep the night before.

“Hey, Meg.” Logan popped up right in front of me. He held his jacket in his hands and nervously fiddled with it.

“Hi.”

“How was your weekend?” I spotted Blaine at the other end of the hall. She caught sight of us and started walking our way.

“It was good. I have to get to class.” I brushed past him and the puzzled look on his face. I had managed to stay invisible and survive high school the best I could. The last thing I wanted was to be on his girlfriend’s radar. She was notorious for making the lives of my classmates a living hell if you crossed her.

Lucky for me, I didn’t have to deal with either of them in any of my morning classes. That wasn’t the case when lunchtime came around. I found my usual hiding place at the far end of the campus. It was a little tree I sat under. No one seemed to make it out this far, and I usually had the place to myself. That wouldn’t be the case today.

“Mind if I sit?” Logan flopped on the ground before I had a chance to answer.

“How did you know where to find me?” I didn’t think anyone knew where this spot was.

“What? You’re lunch spot? I pay attention.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out a bag of chips and a can of pop.

“Won’t your girlfriend be looking for you?”

“Who? Blaine? She’s not my girlfriend. Thank god,” he said with a bitter laugh.

“And you let her bark at you like she does? Why?”

“Enough about my love life. Why do you sit all the way out here by yourself?

“Why has it taken you until now to ask me that?”

He only shook his head at me in response. “You haven’t changed at all.”

“You’re wrong.” I packed my things and got up to leave. I wasn’t ready to face all the reasons we had grown apart.

“Hey, wait!” He grabbed my arm before I could get far. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. I just wanted to talk.”

“Logan, we don’t have anything to talk about. We were friends a lifetime ago. I’m not that girl anymore.”

He took a step closer and reached behind my head. I looked at him with confusion as he pulled my rubber band from my ponytail. He studied me for a second. I felt foolish standing there with my hair down.

“Yeah, you’re exactly the same,” was all he said before he walked away.

My little interaction with Logan left me in an odd mood for the rest of the day. I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost didn’t notice Blaine pulling out the chair next to me during my last class. I always sat in the back, keeping myself as out of focus from everyone as possible. The fact that she was joining me couldn’t be a good sign. “I can’t imagine why Logan is suddenly so interested in you, but I really hope you don’t get the wrong idea,” she whispered to me in the most patronizing tone I had ever heard.

“Wrong idea?” I had to ask.

“Well, you know- after you gave him a ride home he’s been paying a little attention to you. It could give you the wrong idea.” I had to roll my eyes and hold back a bitter laugh that was threatening to escape. “I just don’t like anyone playing with what’s mine.”

“Wait, are you threatening me?” I had to ask, almost not able to believe I was having this conversation.

“If that’s what it takes.”

“If he means so much to you, why did you leave him behind the other night?” She didn’t answer me right away, just shot me daggers instead.

“You’re pretty ballsy for such a quiet person.”

I decided that was my moment to disengage from the conversation. I turned in my seat and got to work. I had no interest in getting involved in any drama with Blaine.

4

I had almost forgotten about my weird encounter with Blaine as I left the school building, but it replayed in my mind when I saw Logan standing by my car. “Hey, I was waiting for you,” he said in a cheerful and familiar voice that bothered me.

“Why?” I felt bad for asking it in a rude way.

“I...I don’t know.” He dug his hands deep into his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I just wanted to talk.” He smiled as he said it, looking exactly like the little boy I remembered.

“That’s a bad idea, Logan. I got enough grief from Blaine today. I have a hard enough time without adding her to the mix.” Suddenly little boy Logan was gone, replaced by a much older, much angrier Logan.

“What did she say to you?” His jaw was a tight, straight line and his hands automatically balled into fists.

“Nothing. I just think it would be best if we stayed away from each other.”

“Why? Because of her? She’s not my keeper.”

I opened my car door and tossed my bag inside. “Tell her that.” I got in before he could respond.

I was bothered by the fact that Logan thought he could walk back into my life after all this time, and even more bothered that it was making my days at school complicated. There was only one person I could talk to about this, and decided to make a pit stop on my way home.

Williams Cemetery was just a few minutes from home. The drive through the pines was peaceful and somehow prepared me for my visits to Noah. When I pulled through the gates I could see that the trees were almost bare and the grounds were covered in the colors of fall. “Big brother, my little plan at being invisible is exploding in my face,” I said as I cleaned up his grave. Noah’s tombstone was covered. I wiped the old leaves away and used my sleeve to clear some spots from where his name was etched. “Logan thinks he can waltz back into my life and be a friend. Is it bad that I’m so bitter? Besides, I don’t need any complications or attachments when I leave for school.” It felt good to say what I was thinking out loud, even if it was to a piece of stone. I hoped Noah was always with me, but I felt closer to him when I was here.

The wind started to pick up and it looked like a storm was brewing. “I guess I need to go. I miss you. Be safe wherever you are.” I wiped a tear away. Even after all this time, it never got easier. I kissed my fingers and placed them on his name.

My shift at the coffee shop made the rest of the day fly by. I still had time to work on a few assignments when I got home, but my day was nagging at the back of my mind. I finally tossed my homework aside and called it a night, hoping that a good night’s sleep would shake Logan’s lingering effects on my mood.

The next few days at school seemed uneventful, aside from the occasional dirty look I would get from Blaine, or the awkward smile I’d get from Logan. I hoped it would pass and I’d go back to being invisible to him again, but the end of the week proved that wouldn’t happen. I had stopped at my locker to switch out books when I felt someone shove me from behind. I knew who it would be before I even turned around. Blaine stood with a hand on her hip, glaring at me through perfectly made up eyes.

“Did you really think it would be smart to tattle on me to Logan?”

“Walk away, Blaine. I don’t need any drama.” I tried to push past her, but she didn’t budge.

“Too late for that,” she said as she stepped a little closer into my personal space. I wasn’t prepared for her hand hitting my chest and slamming me into my locker. I had to process that this was really happening. School fights were something I saw in movies. I didn’t think people resorted to them in real life.

“Hey! Break it up!” I heard our Vice Principal shout from across the hall.

Twenty minutes later I was sitting in our Principal’s office, waiting to see what punishment he would hand down to me. “Megan Winters. One of my top students. Never thought you’d be in my office for this reason.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Anything you’d like to say?” I thought for a moment. I could tell him it was her fault- that she had started it- but I was sure she was pleading the same case to the Vice Principal at that same moment.

“No, Sir. It was stupid.”

“Very well,” he said with a heavy sigh. “You’ll need to perform two hours of community service. I’ll expect to see you at the Winter Social to serve refreshments.” So that was my punishment. I knew he was being easy on me, but somehow I knew this dance would feel like torture.

Now it was my turn to spend the week shooting daggers with my eyes at Logan. He’d scrunch the skin between his eyes, and shake his head at me. Even when I didn’t realize it, I was staring holes into the back of his head. I didn’t participate at school, and now thanks to him, I would be serving my classmates drinks at a dance I would have never gone to.

I was told to dress appropriately, and searched my closet for something besides jeans and tee shirts, but I was having very little luck. I finally came to the conclusion that I’d have to shop. It was Saturday, my day off, so I really didn’t have an excuse not to. I was almost attacked by a sales associate the minute I walked into the department store. I figured I may as well take advantage of her help, since I had no clue of where to begin when it came to buying a dress.

She picked a few things off of the rack for me to try out, and I cringed at the thought of wearing any of them. Once I was in the fitting room, I stood and stared at the dresses for a few long seconds. The last one she picked out didn’t seem terrible, so I freed it from the hanger and slipped it on. I almost jumped at the shock from seeing myself a dress. Even more surprising was the fact that it actually looked good. The light pink bodice looked good against my pale complexion and the black, ballerina style skirt felt fun, and not so stuffy. I just worried I would chicken out with so much skin showing, but none of the other dresses seemed to cover any more or less.

“How’s it going in there? Can I get you another size?” I took a deep breath and stepped out of the fitting room.

“Be honest, is it awful on me?”

“No. Quite contrary. It fits like a glove. I think I can put the others away. Shall I ring you up?” I squeezed my eyes shut and took a moment.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

5

When the day of the formal finally came around I was glad. I wanted to get it over with and go back to being a hermit. I thought most of the drama between Blaine and me had passed, but the end of the day proved that to be wrong. As I tried to tuck my books into my locker, she managed to accidentally knock them out of my hands, causing every paper in my possession to spill out all over the tile floors. “What the hell?” I asked, as I bent down to pick up my stuff.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there. I’m ever so sorry,” she said in the most condescending tone possible. I chose to ignore her, hoping she’d walk away, but she just stood there with her hands on her hips, laughing at me as I gathered my things. Moments later another set of hands started picking things up. I looked up to see Logan helping me. Blaine had no response, except to storm off.

“What was that all about,” he asked.

“You tell me.”

“I don’t know,” he said as he handed me a pile of notebook paper.

“I can get this. I’m fine.” I sounded more annoyed than I had meant. He sighed, clearly frustrated, but put his hands up as if to surrender.

“Ok, it’s all you.” He stood and walked away without another word.

I got myself ready, using a little of the make up that collected dust in my bathroom. I kept it very natural and simple. I pulled my curls into a loose side braid that the internet tutorial called “romantic”. It was the best I could do. I grabbed a coat and slipped into some black flats and I was on my way out. Normally I would be working on a Friday night, but Betsy and Mark seemed a little too excited to give me the night off for a dance. I left out the part about it being community service.

I got there early as instructed and took my spot behind the refreshment table. Another girl from the student government showed me what to do then went to another table on the other side of the gym. I hesitated before taking my coat off. I had never shown this much skin in public, and the thought of it was making me nervous. I finally peeled my coat off like a band-aide and stuck it on the chair behind me. I started pouring a few glasses of punch for people to grab, but was interrupted soon after.

“Meg? From my English class?” I looked up to see a boy named Jake Evans standing on the other side of the table.

“Hey, Jake.”

“I almost didn’t recognize you. I don’t think I remember seeing you at any school functions before.”

“You haven’t. I sort of didn’t have a choice,” I said with an embarrassed grin.

“I bet that’s an interesting story.” He smiled warmly at me, and there was something about his green eyes that made it almost impossible to look away. That feeling was short lived when Blaine, Logan, and a few other kids from their group walked into the gym. Blaine automatically locked eyes with me, clearly shocked to see me. I guess she didn’t know about my “punishment.” Jake turned to see what caught my eye. “Oh boy, the attention whores are here,” he said with a roll of his eyes. I had to smile, but looked down so he wouldn’t catch me.

“So,” he said as he dug his hands into his pockets. “Do you get a break tonight?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’s a shame. I was hoping I could dance with you later.” I could feel color rising to my cheeks and hoped it was too dark for him to see me blush. “I’ll just keep coming back to keep you company,” he said and I couldn’t help but giggle a little. At that same moment, Logan looked in my direction. I saw him do a double take when he caught sight of my dress, but then he saw who else was there and looked back and forth between Jake and me. A few seconds later he was standing in front of me.

“Meg, you look amazing.” Now I knew there would be no hiding the fact that I was blushing. Jake looked to his side where Logan stood and I could see his jaw tense up.

“I’ll catch you later,” Jake said, as he walked off and disappeared into the crowd.

“Did I interrupt something?” Logan asked, sounding a little too satisfied. He grabbed a cup of punch, and just like a cliché out of a teen movie, he pulled out a small flask and spiked his drink with something before any chaperones could notice. “You’ll thank me later. That guy is a dick,” he said, just before he emptied his cup in one gulp.

“I don’t care what he’s like. I just want to get this night over with,” I said, but got the feeling he didn’t hear a word I said from the way he looked at me. “What? What are you staring at,” I finally asked.

“Sorry,” he said as he snapped out of it. “You. I’m staring at you. You grew up exactly like I expected.” I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but something about the way he said it gave me chills.

“I think someone is looking for you,” I finally managed to say. Blaine was glaring at us both, then I noticed Jake in a corner talking to some friends, but he was looking at me.

Logan took a couple of cups of punch and smiled an apology at me, walking away without another word. Jake made his way back over as soon as he left. Now it was Logan watching from the other end of the room. I shook my head, positive the world had gone friggin’ nuts.

“Are you ok? He wasn’t giving you a hard time, was he?” Jake seemed sincerely concerned.

“No, I’m fine. Don’t you have someone you need to be with?”

“Wow, that’s awesome,” he said sarcastically. “I can take a hint.”

“I’m sorry. That was rude of me. I just don’t want you to waste your night at the refreshment table. Not when all these girls are gawking at you and wanting to dance.” He looked around the room.

“I don’t see any gawkers,” he said, shaking his head.

“Of course not. If you look in their direction they’ll look away. Ok, red hair- three O’clock.” I pushed him in the right direction and he looked.

“Mmm...nah. Would it be against the rules to come behind the table and dance with you?” His green eyes were back on me and I had a hard time looking away. I felt my heartbeat pick up and it made it hard to speak.

“I don’t know. I didn’t make up the rules,” I managed to say, just above a whisper. I had to take a moment and ask myself if this is what all the girls went on and on about. There was a butterfly feeling in my belly, and I was suddenly very aware of how close Jake was, noticing a lock of his jet black hair had fallen into his eyes.

“Miss Winter’s, I believe it is break time,” I heard my Principal’s voice say from behind me.

“Ah, no excuses now. Are you ready to dance?” He held out his arm for me to take.

“Are you ready for broken toes after I step all over them?”

He shook his head and laughed. “I’ll risk it.”

As soon as he started guiding me, heads started to turn. Something weird was happening. People were noticing me. They saw me every day, but I was like the walls and furniture. I didn’t get a second look. Now they were really seeing me and I didn’t know how I felt about that. “I don’t know if I like all the looks you’re getting,” he said.

“Are you sure they’re not looking at you? Making sure you’re not insane?” We stopped dancing for a second and he looked me in the eyes. All joking was gone.

“You really don’t know how incredible you look, do you?” His words were melting me and it was too much to handle. I pulled away.

“I need to go. I’m sorry. You’re really nice, but I can’t...I just...I’m sorry,” I stammered as I made my way to the hallway. He didn’t try to follow and I was glad. I needed to catch my breath. I thought I had the hall to myself until I saw Logan sitting on the ground, leaning against the lockers.

“We were supposed to grow up and get married. Do you remember that, Eggy?” My heart squeezed when he used his nickname for me. I hadn’t heard it since we were kids. “I was going to marry you so I could be Noah’s brother.” He laughed a bitter laugh. This night just kept getting weirder and weirder.

“You’re drunk,” I said bluntly, not really caring about how I sounded.

“Probably, but the strange thing is that I’m seeing a few things more clearly than I have in so long.” His words left me speechless for a moment. At this point I knew there was no good place to hide, so I headed back into the gym and back behind the refreshment table. Jake caught my eye and gave me a nod once he saw me, but he didn't make an attempt to talk to me again. I didn't see Logan again either. I was thankful that the night wrapped up quietly. I grabbed my coat and took off before anything or anyone could stop me.

When I pulled into the driveway I could hear an all too familiar sound- my parents in a screaming match. I was in no mood to be caught in the middle, so I headed to the only other place I could think of- the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both shot me a disappointed look as soon as they saw me walk in. “Meg, this is your night off. We shouldn’t be seeing your face.”

“Are you tired of my face?” I jokingly asked. I knew they worried about me and my lack of a social life.

“We’re tired of your face not being engaged in stupid teenage behavior.”

“Can I just say in my defense that I have had one of the weirdest nights on record?”

“It’s dead in here. Entertain us with details,” Mark said as he cleaned out the bakery case.

“I think I was hit on.” Even as I said it, I had to mentally go over the details to convince myself that it really had happened. Mark and Betsy both stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shocked silence.

“Details!” Mark reminded me. I went over the events of the night and got a little worried at the huge grin Betsy wore during my story.

“Someone likes our girl. See what happens once you stop hiding behind tent clothes?” Betsy had been telling me to start dressing like a girl for months, and I ignored her each time.

“Whatever,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “It’s the Logan part that bothers me most.” I sighed and settled back on the sofa we were all sitting on. There was no one in the shop and they had considered closing up early, but that all changed when a few cars pulled into the lot.

Blaine walked in with an entourage surrounding her. I scanned the crowd for Logan, but he was no where to be seen. “This is no good. I’m going to get out of here,” I said as I tried to sneak out of sight, but it was too late. She was walking my way.

“Don’t you belong behind the counter?” She asked with a hand on her hip.

“It’s my night off.” I tried to sound neutral, but it was difficult.

“Good. The drink you made me last time sucked.” She smirked and looked at her friends. They all shared a laugh at my expense. I could see Mark and Betsy sitting on the edge of the couch, ready to pounce if necessary. “Did you bring Logan back with you? Seems he’s lowered his standards quite a bit,” she said with a sarcastic laugh. I was done here.

“Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but you really should leave.” I stood my ground and looked her in the eyes. I could have sworn I caught one of the girls behind her smiling at my bravado. I had nothing to prove here, and I wasn’t one of her sheep- begging for acceptance.

“You’re my problem,” she snapped, taking a step closer. I didn’t back down. “You come along and think you can move in on someone else’s boyfriend?” I could not hold back the eye roll I gave her.

“Logan? This is about him? Just for the record, you might want to make it clear to him that he’s your boyfriend. He’s all yours, and if you knew him, or anything about him, you would know that I don’t really want anything to do with him.” Everyone’s eyes shifted to the door when I said it and I looked to see what they were all staring at. During my rant, Logan had entered the shop. The expression on his face made me cringe. What I said had hurt him. He composed himself quickly and made his way over to us. He grabbed Blaine by the hand and pulled her out of the shop without a single word. Her entourage looked at one another and whispered back and forth. I decided this was a good time to give Mark and Betsy a hug and make my exit, hardly being noticed at all.

6

The scream fest was over once I got home. I peeled my party dress off and slipped into my pajamas. I was exhausted but it was almost impossible to sleep. My brain replayed the last few days over and over. I had gone from invisible to involved in drama with the most popular girl in school. It made me wonder if Logan had ever told anyone about our history, or if he just pretended that we had never meant anything to each other.

Sleep took over at some wee hour in the morning, and even though I probably should have slept in, I was up with the sun. I tried to get out of the house before my parents had their daily war. I pulled my hair into a bun and got myself dressed. I didn’t have anything planned, but I got in my car anyway. I had no destination in mind, but I ended up exactly where I usually ended up- right in front of Logan’s house. With everything that had happened I knew this was a bad idea, but I needed to be close to where my best memories were. I reminded myself that Logan would probably be hung over and asleep for many more hours. I sat back in my seat and pictured us all playing on the lawn. Noah would try to do stunts on his bike and Logan and I would watch in complete awe. I had forced myself to get every detail of these memories right. I could picture how the sky looked and what the day smelled like. I was so lost in my memories that I almost didn’t notice the soft tapping on the passenger window. I turned to see a shivering Logan. He gave me a small wave when I looked at him. I unlocked the doors and he slipped into the seat next to me.

I laughed out loud when I saw what he was wearing. He was in his boxers and slippers, and there was no shirt under his letterman jacket. He leaned close to the heater and cupped his hands close to his face, breathing on them to warm up. “Are you trying to get frostbite?” I asked sarcastically?

“I didn’t want to miss you. I grabbed my coat and ran out.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping it off?”

“I haven’t been sleeping very well. Look, I’m sorry about Blaine. I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her off your back.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure next week it’ll blow over. She’ll see we don’t really talk and it’ll be like before.”

“No. I don’t want her to see that.” Now he was facing me, still shivering. “I don’t want it to be like that anymore.”

“Logan, you can’t just go back. We can’t pick up where we left off.” He was quiet for a long time as we both stared at my old yard.

“It was my fault. I told him to ride down Devil’s Hill,” he whispered. I was stunned by his words. This time I turned to him.

“Logan, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were stupid kids. No one knew that car would come out of nowhere.”

“But I see it all the time. I think about it all the time.” He fought back tears as he said it. He was gritting his teeth when he spoke next. “I made him do it. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

“You were just a kid.” I put my hand on his. As much as I missed my brother, I never blamed anyone. I never knew he felt like this.

“I was a little asshole. When Noah died I had to pretend that part of my life never existed. I froze you out and I’m sorry I did that.”

“We both disappeared into something that had nothing to do with him. That’s what we had to do to survive. We were too young to understand how this would affect us down the road.”

“Is it too late?” he asked. There was something desperate in his eyes when he said it.

“Too late for what?”

“For us? I should have been there for you. I should have looked out for you. That’s what he would have wanted.”

“Logan, you don’t owe me anything. This was a lifetime ago. Everything has changed. We’ve changed. I just want to survive the rest of high school so I can get the hell out of this place and put it all past me.” We both turned in our seat and looked out of the front windshield in silence. I thought about how he didn’t feel like a stranger to me. Even after all this time, our silence was comfortable.

“I didn’t eat for a week after Noah died. I didn’t come out of my room, and I didn’t talk to anyone. I took all of our pictures, all the mementos from camps and birthdays, and I buried them in the back yard. I didn’t talk to you because you reminded me that he existed. I wanted to forget, but I never did. I was so ashamed of how I treated you that I didn’t have the guts to ask how you were. All these years and I know it’s too late.” He was facing me again, but I couldn’t look at him. Tears of frustration and confusion spilled from my eyes. Why was all of this happening now? I had gone for so long without any trouble and it was crashing in my face. I swallowed a deep breath before I spoke, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I need to go. I have stuff to do.”

“Can I stay with you today? I don’t want to be here at home. Let’s do something.”

I sniffed and wiped my eyes again. “Like what?”

“Go to a movie, or play mini golf. I don’t care. I just don’t want to be alone today.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. The truth was that I didn’t want to be alone either.

“I’m not going anywhere with you...until you put some pants on.” He almost flew out of the car.

“Don’t. Go. Anywhere! I’ll be out in ten minutes.” He made motions for me to stay put as he went into his house, and he was true to his word. He was out in less than ten minutes.

“So, where to? And if I get jumped by a bunch of cheerleaders for hanging out with you, I hold you solely responsible.”

“No one’s jumping anyone,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Go down Fletcher street,” he said, pointing in the direction like I didn’t know where it was.

“There’s nothing there but the ravine,” I said with a confused look on my face.

“I know.” I shrugged my shoulders and headed out. Logan flipped through my iPod, looking at my music as I drove. He finally picked something and settled back in his seat.

I pulled into a parking spot that over-looked the ravine. I hadn’t been here in years and I was amazed at how beautiful it was in the winter. Little frozen crystals had formed on the needles of the evergreen trees, making them look like they had been decorated for Christmas.

“Come on,” he said as he got out of the car. He started walking down a path that led into the creek bed below.

“Where are we going?” I asked, as I hesitantly followed him.

“You’ll see,” was the only answer he offered.

He maneuvered his path like he had been down it a million times. We finally came into a little clearing from all of the trees and I could see what he brought me here to see. There was a small waterfall in the middle of the creek. Most of it had been frozen solid, but there were a few streams of water still flowing down the little ledge. I was fascinated by how the frozen water looked. It was captured almost like a picture.

“It’s a lot prettier in spring,” Logan said, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I think it’s beautiful like this.” I was whispering and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the sights around me.

“I don’t want us to be strangers anymore, Eggy. I can’t take not having you in my life. Every good memory I have involves you.” I turned to look at him and I could see his eyes glistening. I swallowed hard.

“Really? Every one? What’s been going on for the last six years?” I didn’t mean for it to sound as sarcastic as it did. He eyed me cautiously, and shook his head.

“Things have not been fantastic. My dad and I can’t seem to agree on my future,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“What do you mean?”

“He says military, I say college. I don’t know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but I don’t want to figure that out in the military.”

The little revelation surprised me. I had always pictured Logan having it super easy. “That’s harsh. Does he know you don’t want the same thing?”

“No, and not because I haven’t tried to tell him. He won’t listen. Whatever. Enough about me, what about you?” He was snapping a small twig he had found into tiny pieces.

“I’m trying to graduate in one piece and then I plan to go as far away as possible.” I said it matter-of-factly as I tossed a pebble into the almost frozen water below. I looked over to see why Logan hadn’t said anything and found him staring at me. “What?”

“That’s depressing. I want us to re-connect and I find out you’re leaving.”

I sighed before I said anything. “It hasn’t been easy at home for me either. Mark and Betsy are more like family to me than my parents.”

“Mark and Betsy?” he asked.

“Yeah, they own the coffee shop I work at. I spent so much time there that they finally offered me a job. They’re super cool people.”

“You’re parents were always the cool parents. What happened?”

I thought about my answer for a minute as I adjusted my coat. “Nothing mattered after Noah died. I know some families can pull through that stuff, but not mine. I may as well have gone with him. We’re just a bunch of strangers who share a house. They hate each other and I feel like a ghost there.” Logan was staring at me again, and I could see pity in his eyes. “Don’t.” I shook my head. “I know that look. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m fine. I have a plan, and I have been getting along on my own for a while now. I’m going to be just fine.”

“That’s not why I’m staring at you.” He smiled just a little. “Talking to you feels like I’m traveling back in time-in a good way.”

“I’m freezing. We should take off,” I said as I started to stand.

“Do we have to go home?” he asked as we walked back to the car.

“What do you have in mind?”

“Hot chocolate. Like, really hot, and really chocolatey.”

I had to giggle at that. “Then I think I know where we’re going.”

7

The coffee shop was pretty busy when we pulled up and both Mark and Betsy stopped what they were doing momentarily when they saw me walk in with another person. I couldn’t blame them. It surprised me too. I let myself behind the counter and made our drinks while Logan found a sofa to lounge on.

“Are you going to explain that?” Betsy asked, motioning in Logan’s direction.

“Yes, later. I promise.”

I handed Logan his cup and sat next to him. “This should feel weirder,” I blurted out.

“What should?” He asked, looking a little confused.

“Being with you. It’s been so long but it doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know. Talking to you is as easy as it was when we were little.”

I took a sip of my hot chocolate and I could feel the whipped cream on my nose. Logan and I laughed a little as he helped me wipe it off, but my laughter died as soon as I saw Jake walk into the shop. I hoped and prayed he wasn’t looking for me. Logan turned to see what caught my attention. “Are you and Jake a thing?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t have a thing with anyone.” Jake ordered a drink and scanned the shop. His eyes landed on me and he made his way over. He looked a little surprised to see Logan sitting next to me.”

“Hope I’m not intruding, but I hate to sit in these places alone. Care if I join you?”

Logan answered before I could. “Please, have a seat,” he said with a pinch of sarcasm in his voice.

“So, what are you two crazy kids doing today?” he asked as he got settled into the chair across from us.

“Not much,” I managed to say. “You’re pretty much seeing it.” I held up my drink to punctuate my point. We all shared a moment of awkward silence until Logan finally broke it.

“Well, I’m gonna head out,” he said, getting up from his spot.

“Let me give you a ride,” I offered.

“Nah. I need the walk right now. You stay here and keep Jake company,” he said with a wink only I could see. I rolled my eyes at him, and tried to hide the annoyed look on my face.

“In all the time I have seen you at school I have never seen you hanging out with anyone,” Jake said, catching me off guard.

“How long have you been paying attention?” I asked.

“Longer than you think.” He settled back into his chair after he said it. “I have a confession to make. I came here looking for you today.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I asked the most obvious question. “Why?”

“Please don’t make me spell it out, Meg.” There was a little helpless ache in his voice. I couldn’t help but blush as I caught his meaning. A grin grew on his face from ear to ear.

“You’re blushing,” he said with a small laugh.

“I am not.” I sounded like a stubborn child and it made the heat in my cheeks worse. I looked down but my eyes caught on the dark red of his lower lip and my breath caught. I had to shake off the sensation he was causing me to have. My cell phone ringing helped break the spell. It was my mom. The same mom who never spoke to me. The same mom who pretended I didn’t exist. “Mom?” I asked, expecting it to be a “butt dial”.

“Honey, come home.” Her voice was cracked and strained.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Come home. It’s your dad. Just....just come home.”

I couldn’t possibly know what she meant and the confusion must have shown on my face. “I’ll be right there.”

“Is everything ok?” Jake asked.

“I don’t ...I don’t know. I have to get home.”

“You’re shaking.” The look of concern on his face made me look down at my hand. Sure enough, my hands were trembling out of control. Mark and Betsy must have seen it too. “I’ll drive you. You’re in no condition.”

I tried to shake my head no and decline his offer, but Mark and Betsy insisted I take him up on it. The sight of an ambulance and cop car in my driveway made me glad I let him drive. My head immediately started to jump to the worst conclusions. I almost flew out of his car when it stopped and paused when I saw my mom sitting in the back of the ambulance.

“What happened?” I asked breathlessly. They may not have treated me like I existed, but my parents were all I had.

“Your father,” was all she managed before bursting into tears. My brain went back to all of the horrible things it could come up with. A woman in a police jacked soothed my mom and nodded for another officer to talk to me.

“What’s going on? Where’s my dad?” I headed for my front door but was gently redirected to the front lawn.

“My name is Christina. I’m a social worker. Is it ok if we talk for a moment?”

I didn’t like the gentle tone of her voice. “Please just tell me what’s going on.” The frustration in my voice was raw and I felt dizzy from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. “Is my dad dead?” I held back a little sob.

Christina shook her head no and gave me a sympathetic smile. “No, but he is hurt. He’s at the hospital right now. Your dad is going through a very difficult time and it’s probably been affecting you, and I’d like to talk to you about that.”

“You’re still not telling me what happened.”

She sighed and I could tell by her face that she resigned from tiptoeing around it. “Your dad made some choices today that will follow him for a time. He’s sick, and he needs help. Your mom called us because he tried to hurt her, and himself. Do you understand what I mean?”

I understood exactly what she meant, and more thoughts than I knew possible went through my head. The one that stood out the most was that he was going to leave me behind. She was still talking, but I didn’t hear another word she said. I snapped out of it when she told me they were going to take my mom to the hospital. She asked me if I wanted to ride with her, but there was no way I could make myself get in the back of the ambulance. That’s when she offered to drive me. I slipped into her sate issued vehicle silently, and then a thought occurred to me. “How?”

She glanced over at me. I could tell she was thinking of how to answer. “A knife.” I nodded and understood. It suited my dad. He was too much of a coward to go for a sure thing like a gun.

“What do you need from me?” I asked before we got out of the car. “Do I have to stay here, or answer questions?”

“I do have to ask you a few questions. I need to make sure you’re safe at home. Your dad will probably remain in the hospital for a while.”

“Then can you just ask them? I’d like to leave.”

“Don’t you want to go in and see your mom?”

“I’d like to leave.”

“Megan, I know this is hard, and you’re probably feeling very confused. You can talk to me.”

I had finally had enough of her gentle tone. I got out of her car and slammed the door behind me. I looked around the hospital entrance then turned back to the street. I started walking home, hearing Christina call after me, but I ignored her. I wasn’t sad, or in shock like she thought. I was angry, and I needed to be as far from here as possible. As I got to the exit I noticed Jake’s car sitting by the road. I had completely forgotten about my ride with him. He jumped out of his car as soon as he saw me.

“What’s going on?”

“Can you get me out of here? Please?” I managed to ask just before the tears started to fall. He got into the driver’s seat without another word and took off. I didn’t ask where he was going, and he didn’t press me for info.

He drove for what seemed like an eternity. We finally pulled into a parking lot for a hiking trail that was just out of town. It was empty because of the time of year. The trails were closed during the winter. He turned the engine off and I immediately missed the heater warming me up.

“Can I ask what happened back there?” he said with concern.

“It’s complicated.”

“I sort of figured from the scene back there.”

“Not just that. My whole life is complicated.”

“I’m right here if you want to talk.” His voice was just above a whisper and something about it was comforting. Without warning my mouth began to spill my secrets.

“He was going to just leave me behind. I have known since I was a kid that I stopped meaning anything to them, but this is more than I can take.” There was nothing I could do to stop the tears that had been threatening my eyes.

“Hey, it’s ok,” he said as he pulled me to him. His protective arms wrapped around me and he stroked my hair as I cried against his chest. Part of me knew that I was letting a stranger into my world, but most of me didn’t care. When I was finally able to calm down I pulled myself away and wiped my face.

“When I was little my older brother died. He was a year older than me,” I said between sniffs. “That’s how I know Logan. He was my brother’s best friend. We used to live right next door to him and I think I was at his house more than my own.” A melancholy smile spread across my face as I remembered those days. “A few neighborhood kids dared my brother to ride his bike down Devil’s Hill. If he could do it, they’d pay him twenty bucks. That’s a lot of money to a kid. But it all went wrong. He made it down the hill, but a truck came out of nowhere. Noah didn’t stand a chance. It was horrible.”

“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching for my hand. He caressed my thumb as I went on.

“My whole world changed when it happened. I have been living like a ghost in my house because to this day, my parents can’t cope with the loss. So much so, they’d be willing to leave me behind.”

He pulled me back to him when the tears started. “I don’t have any magic words to say that will help you, but you know you don’t have to go through any of this alone, right?”

I wiped my eyes again. “I appreciate that. I do, but I have a plan, and any attachments here would make it hard.”

“Tell me your plan.” He didn’t let go of my hand as he said it.

“I’m going to graduate, get in a school far away from here, and never look back.”

8

I felt like I was in a surreal dream, and during one moment of clarity, I realized I was sitting next to a boy who intrigued me, but didn’t know me at all. And he was holding my hand in comfortable silence. When I glanced up at him to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, I noticed he was staring out in front of us. His jaw was a tight line, and a strand of his black hair had fallen out of place and into the front of his eyes. I could only see a fragment of the green in his eyes from where the setting sun illuminated it. I tried to make myself turn away, but it was almost impossible. Almost- until he turned to face me. Self-consciousness slammed into me and I had to look away.

“Look at me,” he whispered with a small ache in his voice.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” I said so softly I wasn’t sure he had heard me.

“Explain.”

“Just a few days ago my plan was bullet proof and nothing was in my way. Now...I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I just know I can’t add anything to my life that would make it hard to leave.”

He tilted my chin up and made me look at him. There was a softness on his face that made me melt. “Add things like me?”

I could only nod yes to answer him. I was too much of a coward to say the word.

“I’m not asking you to do anything. I’m not asking you for anything. I’m just here because you’ve had a really bad day and I don’t think you should be alone.”

“Thanks.” I knew that one word wasn’t enough, but it was all I had. “I don’t know if I should go home, or go to the hospital. I don’t want to talk to that social worker.” I knew I sounded like I was pouting.

“I think you probably know where you have to go.” He gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah, you’re right. Would you mind taking me to my car?”  We pulled into the coffee shop parking lot a few minutes later and Jake hopped out of his car and walked me to mine.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I’m sure.” I silently hoped saying it enough would make it true. Jake stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. I had to resist the urge to push that little stray lock of hair out of his eyes. “Thanks....for today. I’m sorry you got stuck with me and my drama.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Instead of me pushing away his stray hair, he was tucking a lock of mine behind my ear. Our eyes locked for a moment- green on blue- and I forgot where I was for a moment. “Drive safe,” he said before turning away.

The scene in the E.R. was chaos. I found the nurses station and asked where I could find my mom and dad. She told me my mom was fine. She only had a few cuts, but I could find her in my dad’s room. When I got to the doorway I found my mom holding my dad’s hand. She was crying. It was the first time I had seen her do anything besides yell at him. I felt like I was intruding and part of me wanted to run as far as I could. I turned to leave but didn’t get very far before I heard my name.

“Megan.” It was my dad. I slowly turned around. He and my mom were staring at me like they expected me to say something. I felt trapped. I felt like the walls of the hospital were closing in around me.

“I’m, I’m sorry. I have to go,” I stammered. I had no idea of why, but the need to run out of there took over and I didn’t look back. I didn’t check my rearview as I sped away. Once I got home, I ran through the front door- ignoring the blood and mess that greeted me. I got to my room and locked the door behind me. I didn’t bother to take off my clothes or shoes before I crawled into bed and curled myself up into a ball under the covers. Sleep hit me like a freight train, and I had no choice but to let it take over.

I was disoriented when I woke up, under the covers with my shoes and pea coat still on. I rubbed my face with the palm of my hand as the events of the day before flooded back into my mind. I let out an exhausted sigh as I sat up and got my bearings. A hot shower and a clean tee shirt and pair of boxers helped my mood a little. I knew what was waiting for me in the living room, and I needed to clean it up. I pulled my hair up into a bun and grabbed the cleaning spray. I hoped it would work. I had never had to clean up blood before.

I heard my phone chirp as I wiped up the stains on the hardwood floors. I had apparently slept through tons of voicemails and text messages. There were a few frantic messages from my mom wanting to know if I was ok. Of course I wasn’t ok. I called and lied to her anyway- telling her I was fine. Mark and Betsy had also called to check on me. I promised to fill them in as soon as I could. Most of the texts were from Jake but the last one was from Logan saying he was headed over. I looked at the mess around me and felt exhausted at the thought of explaining it. As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

The frigid air hit me when I opened the door. “Hey,” I said as I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Hi. I was hoping we could hang out.” His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his coat and I could see his breath as he spoke. I looked behind him at the gray sky that was promising fresh snow. My bare feet were freezing from standing in the doorway.

“Come in,” I said, slamming the door to keep anymore cold from creeping in. I walked to the thermostat and turned up the heat. When I turned back around I saw Logan looking around at the mess with a shocked expression.

“What happened here?” He glanced at me and looked me up and down- no doubt checking for injuries. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. I don’t really know what happened exactly.” I took a step and let out a little cry at a sharp pain in my foot.

“Careful!” There were bits of milky white glass all over the floor. Logan helped me hop to a kitchen chair and grabbed paper towels to help me clean my cut. He was able to get the little piece of glass out as I flinched, sucking air. I held the towels against the cut as he stared at me- probably waiting for some explanation. To my surprise he didn’t ask again. Instead, he slipped out of his jacked and rolled up his sleeves. He started looking around the kitchen and grabbed my broom when he spotted it.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m not going to let you get cut again,” he said as he started sweeping the glass bits.

“You don’t need to do that. I can get it.” He only looked at me as he dumped the dustpan into the trash. He sat back down as soon as he was done.

“You don’t need to tell me everything. I just want to know if you’re safe.”

I thought about what to say for a minute. “I don’t know if I am. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know why life had to get so hard.” Without warning the tears started falling and I silently yelled at myself for letting my guard down in front of this kid I didn’t really know anymore. He didn’t say a word. Instead he pulled me to him and I shocked myself for letting him. I cried against his shoulder and he ran his fingers through my hair- promising me that whatever it was it would be ok. Every part of me wanted to believe him.

“I can’t do this with you, Logan.”

He pulled back a little to look at me. “Do what?”

“I can’t get close again. I can’t let anyone in. I just want to leave this place and forget it all. All of it.”

He wiped a few fresh tears away. “All of it? Are you sure about that? As hard as it is to go back, we have an entire childhood together. I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world,” he whispered.

“How can you just come back all of a sudden and expect it to be easy?” I asked between sobs. “We let too much time pass.”

He held my face in his hands as he leaned in close. “No amount of time can change what you have always meant to me. Even if you get as far away as you can, that will never change.”

His eyes and words locked me in. I could see his jaw set tight as he held something back. There was more he wanted to say but he bit his tongue. I forgot myself for a moment until my cell phone rang, snapping us both out of the moment. Confusion washed over me when I saw that it was Jake. I wasn’t used to getting excited about calls, but I felt my heartbeat quicken just a tiny bit when I saw that it was him. Logan noticed a change too.

“I’ll ask again- are you two a thing?” He said as he leaned back in his chair. He was trying to mask whatever he was thinking.

“Why don’t you like him?” I felt my composure starting to return.

“I never said I didn’t.” He stood and offered his hand to help me up. “Let me help you clean the rest.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, but he was already at work. I noticed he still had nervous energy just like when we were kids. He could never sit still for long. We worked together, silently cleaning the mess my parents had left. I was tempted to call the hospital for an update, but decided I’d let them call me. No news was good news. Somehow, Logan had talked me into telling him what happened, and his look of shock was priceless.

“So, wait- you just bolted?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t be there. It was horrible.”

“We are two messed up peas in a pod.”

I laughed for the first time in a long while at that, and he just shook his head at me with a smile. We had done a pretty good job of cleaning up and after he left I listened to my message from Jake.

“Hey, wanted to make sure you’re ok. Call me when you can.”

I felt a smile grown on my face at the sound of his voice, and I knew this was a bad sign. I was starting to enjoy his little intrusions.

9

On Monday morning I left my mom sitting at the kitchen table. She was in her robe and she was a mess. She stared out of the window with a blank expression. My dad had been admitted for observation at the county psych ward and I wondered if they should have taken her too. She didn’t move or flinch when I grabbed my granola bar from the pantry. It made me feel like a ghost in my own home, and I knew I’d probably find her in the same place when I got home.

I was relieved for the first time ever to be at school. I knew I’d be safe from my crazy home life while I was here, and I had my shift at the coffee house after, buying me even more time. As soon as I walked into the building I spotted Jake, leaning on the stairway railing. His black hoodie didn’t seem like it could keep him warm enough and I felt guilty being bundled up in my peacoat.

“Morning, sunshine.” He smirked at me as he said it.

“Hello to you too.” I kept my hands in my pockets to look more relaxed. I was anything but.

“May I walk you to class?”

“Sure.” As we headed down the hall, I gave him the update. He didn’t say much and I wondered if this was the part where he would bow out and make a graceful exit from getting to know me. “I come with a lot of baggage,” I blurted out.

“Everyone has baggage. It’s all about how you deal with it. I’m not sure I could be as brave as you are.”

His words made me blush. “I’m not brave,” I said with a melancholy sounding laugh. “I just need to survive.” He nodded and something told me he understood.

After we parted ways I found myself looking forward to English class where I would see him again. I smiled to myself but the butterfly feeling I was having was cut short when I saw the look Logan was giving me from across the hall. He stood there with his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket as he glared at me. It didn’t help that Blaine was with him and annoyed at his distraction. I ducked into my fist class as fast as I could and slipped into my chair in the back. It was a little difficult to concentrate on schoolwork when I had so many conflicting emotions playing at the back of my mind. I tried to clear my head from thoughts of Jake, but he popped into my mind over and over.

My temporary case of A.D.D. finally started to wear off before lunch. No one joined me in my hiding spot outside. It was probably too cold for them. I was fine with freezing if it meant that I could be alone for a while. English was next and I was getting nervous, and really didn’t know why. I started mentally asking myself stupid questions like “What if Jake ignores me in class, or doesn’t sit next to me?”, but my fears were shut down as soon as he walked to the back of class and sat next to me.

“Miss Winters,” he said with a nod of his head.

“Mr. Evans,” I replied with a smile. It was way too easy to be around this boy. We were studying The Scarlet Letter and he distracted me by drawing caricatures of the characters in the book. One made me giggle out loud and I slapped a hand over my mouth when our teacher shot me a dirty look. Once class was over I hit Jake on the arm with my textbook.

“Don’t sit by me if you’re going to get me in trouble!”

“I’m sorry, but being in trouble builds character,” he said sarcastically.

“Trust me. I have been in plenty of trouble lately.”

“Oh, really?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, and I don’t need anymore.” I was giggling as I said it.

“What are you doing after school?”

“Working.”

“Can I visit?”

I took a deep breath. I enjoyed his company too much, but I didn’t know if it was a good idea to encourage him. “Jake...” He stopped me before I could go on.

“It’s a simple yes or no. If you don’t want to see me later I won’t come.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yeah, it actually is.” I could hear a tiny bit of frustration in his voice.

“Yes, you can visit me.”

I thought about going home after school to get a few things done, but decided against it and headed to the bookstore instead. I smiled as soon as I saw Parker behind the counter.

“Well, well, well. She finally returns.”

“I have been...a little preoccupied.”

“With whom?” He said with a raise of his eyebrow.

“With none of your business. I just need somewhere to do my homework, if you don’t mind.”

“I might mind. But I guess I’ll let you.” I appreciated his sarcasm for some reason. He got busy with customers as I got busy with schoolwork. As I started packing up to get ready for work I noticed a text on my phone. It was from Logan.

Can we meet later?

I’m working all night.

Can I come there?

No-I sort of have someone visiting already.

Him?

If him is Jake- yes.

Fine.

I stared at my phone for a while, wondering how the world had turned upside down so fast. It was hard to tell over text, but I got the feeling he was pissed about something. I didn’t really have time to dwell on it. I had a job to get to.

10

The coffee shop was dead thanks to the threat of snow, but that didn’t stop Jake from making it out. I was glad to have the company when he walked in. His pale cheeks were rosy from the bitter cold.

“How can I help you warm up?”

He arched an eyebrow at me. “Are you really asking that question?”

“I meant what can I make for you? As in beverage?”

“Wishful thinking,” he said with a sigh. I knew I must have been blushing. I would never get used to being flirted with. “How about a caramel latte?”

“Good choice.” I was glad I had an excuse to turn away. My cheeks felt like they were on fire. I made two and joined him at his table.

“Has it been this quiet all day?”

“Ever since I got here. I think you’re my third customer.”

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be a pretty bad storm. Maybe you should close up early.”

“I was thinking about it.” I settled back against the cushions and tried to relax.

“Well, you should. I don’t want you to get caught in that.” His voice was serious and concerned.

“If it’s so dangerous then why did you venture out?”

“I think you know why.” His eyes locked on mine when he said it and I could feel the heat rise back into my cheeks. “So, tell me,” he said as he relaxed a little. “You keep talking about leaving. Where do plan to go?”

“Well, if things go as planned, I hope to attend Brown. Maybe Georgetown.”

“That’s ambitious.”

“Thousands of people go to those schools every year. Why is it so outlandish? My GPA is good enough, I’m a good candidate for financial aide, and I’m already working on my entrance essay.” At this point I was sitting up and in defensive mode.

“Hey, I’m not saying you can’t do it. I’m just impressed that you have a plan. We graduate next year and I’ve changed my mind a dozen times about what I want to do and where I want to go.”

“I’m sorry. I just take it pretty personally. I haven’t had any help. All I can do is hope I’m on the right path.”

“Too bad it’s a path so far away from Flagstaff.” There it was again- that charm making me blush. He must have noticed it too because he smiled when he looked at my face. “That’s adorable,” he said, pointing at my cheeks. His finger grazed my skin and I felt a shock travel through my body.

“I...I should probably clean up,” I said in a whisper. I got up before he could stop me. “You should get home before the snow starts.”

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Shut whatever you’re feeling out?” I could see his jaw tighten after he asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He didn’t respond with words. Instead he tossed a few dollar bills on the counter and made his way to the door.

“Be safe out there,” was all he said before he walked out. I mentally kicked myself for hurting his feelings. Almost every part of me wanted to chase after him, but the tiny part that knew it would make my escape plan harder kept my feet glued in place.

I made it home just before the snow started to fall. I peeked into my mom’s room and she was out cold, so I decided to grab a snack and watch a little television. Logan texted the moment I sat down.

I’m an asshole

I groaned when I read it. I didn’t want to engage in this conversation, but the movie on the television was about a girl in an impossible relationship and it was making me antsy as I watched it.

What are you talking about?

About how I’m an asshole. Not just today but all the time. Since the 4th grade.

Have you been drinking?

Maybe a little.

I was starting to realize that Logan might have a problem, and I wasn’t about to encourage his booze-fueled confessions.

Talk to me when you’re sober, k?

You hate me don’t you?

Call me, don’t text me, when you’re sober.

I let out a frustrated sigh and tossed my phone on the table. I decided to call it a night and crawled into bed. To my surprise, Jake was the last thing I thought about before I drifted off to sleep.

The morning light seemed brighter than usual when it woke me up the next day. When I sat up in my bed I could see why. The snowstorm delivered as promised, making everything outside a glaring white. I groaned at the thought of putting snow chains on, but I knew I didn’t have time to waste, so I got ready for school quickly and grabbed the chains from the garage.

As soon as I got outside I could see there would be no point in trying to get the chains on. I would have to dig myself out of several feet of snow first, and that wasn’t going to happen, but there was no way I could miss a day of school-not if I wanted to compete for grants or scholarships. I dropped the chains in frustration and just as I was about to set out on foot, I saw an old, blue truck heading my way. I squinted to see inside the cab and it was Jake. I waved and smiled a confused smile. He pulled up to my house and jumped out of the truck.

“Did you get my texts?”

“I haven’t even looked at my phone. What’s going on?”

“Well, I offered to give you a ride to school, but I just got word that we are having a snow day.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yep. I’m already dressed, and you look pretty bundled up. Are you hungry?”

The truth was that I was starving. “I am as a matter of fact.”

“Great. Let’s get pancakes.”

That sounded like Heaven on Earth. I hopped into the cab of his truck and it was warm and cozy thanks to the heater blasting.

“Whose truck is this?” I asked as I warmed my fingers in front of the vents.

“It’s my grandpa’s. He’s a mechanic, but he’s not working today, so he let me use it.”

“Oh. Does he live with you?”

“No...,” he hesitated for a moment. “I live with him, and my grandma. They raised me.”

“Wow.” I didn’t know what to say next, or if I should ask about his parents or not, but I didn’t have to.

“My mom took off when I was little and my grandparents have been the only parents I have ever known,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “No idea who my dad is and I really don’t care.”

“You’re lucky you have them.” It occurred to me in that moment that everyone had a story, and a lot of them were rough. I wasn’t the only one who had it bad.

“Whoa, did I over share? The mood just got really serious.”

I had to laugh a little. “You are joking right? Remember me? Girl with a homicidal father and depressed mother?”

He pulled into a parking spot and turned in my direction with a smile on his face that almost made my heart stop. Then it dawned on me- regardless of whether I liked it or not, I probably had feelings for this boy.

The Railroad Cafe was pretty busy for a weekday but we were able to get a cozy table near their stone fireplace, which was great for me since I was always cold. I still wondered how Jake could be warm enough in his thin hoodie. I was in my peacoat and still cold.

“How are you not freezing in that?” I asked, motioning to his jacket.

He looked down at what he was wearing then he bit his lip for a second. “I get hot when I get nervous.”

I was confused at that. “Nervous? What are you nervous about?”

He only shook his head with a grin, but didn’t answer my question. The waitress came and took our order, pouring us each a steaming cup of coffee. It felt god to wrap my fingers around the mug.

“Do you have to work later?” He was changing the subject.

“Good question.” I took my phone out and checked for messages. There was one from the coffee shop.

“Megs, we are snowed in. Do something fun with your day. Make a snowman, or watch trashy television and eat junk food,” Betsy said with a laugh.

“I guess I have the day off.”

He smiled at me again and my body reacted immediately.

“Seriously adorable.”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“When you blush. It’s adorable.”

I instinctively looked down at the table, not knowing what to say.

“And I’m making it worse. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m just....I’m not used to this.”

I was thankful that our food arrived and the mood relaxed. We chatted about school and goals as we ate and it was easy to be in his company. I learned a lot about his childhood, and told him stories about mine and all of the crazy antics we would pull as kids. He sat back against the booth and wiped his mouth.

“I’m surprised you and Logan drifted apart like that.”

“I’m not. It was traumatic and I only thought of my brother when I saw him and how incomplete everything seemed,” I said between bites. “I’m pretty sure he felt the same. Sorry, I take forever to eat,” I said as I noticed I was only about halfway into my stack of pancakes.

“That’s too bad. You lost a lot more than your brother.”

I only nodded as I chewed. He studied me a little and I started to feel a tiny bit self-conscious. I finished up my bite and pushed my plate away.

“This was a great idea. Thanks for getting me out of the house.”

“Ditto. I really don’t want to go home.”

“Neither do I,” I confessed.

“Well, then...shall we play in the snow?”

I had to laugh at this. The idea was absurd, but perfect.

“I’ll take that as a yes!”

11

We drove to a popular clearing for snow play. There were small hills for sledding, and plenty of room to make a snowman. We got to work on making our own little character, and I laughed out loud at the fact that I was doing exactly what Betsy had told me to do with my day. “Hang on- I need to take a picture for my boss.” I grabbed my phone, but my mood went sour when I saw the text waiting for me. Jake must have seen it on my face.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just Logan. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

I looked at the message. He was clearly drunk texting me and I decided not to let it ruin my day.

“I’m positive.” I tossed my phone in his truck and when I turned around I was smacked on the shoulder with a snowball. After a moment of stunned shock I laughed harder than I could ever remember laughing. “Oh, you’ll pay. You might want to start running,” I threatened as I formed my own snowball. I tossed it and it hit him in the chest.

“Nice shot,” he complimented as he laughed at me, and suddenly I was stunned again. His green eyes lit up as he laughed, and I was helplessly in awe of them. He made his way toward me and wiped some of the snow off of my shoulder, but his eyes were locked on mine. “Maybe we should go,” I said just above a whisper. He didn’t answer right away, but he didn’t take his eyes off of mine.

“Maybe,” he agreed. His fingers grazed my neck, and chills rang out all over my skin. “You’re freezing. Let’s go somewhere warm.” I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I just nodded.

I had no idea of where we were headed when he started driving, but I could tell that the buildings of our small town were fading in the distance. I wasn’t even curious. Every part of me wanted to stay in his warm truck with him. We had been on the road, driving through mostly forest for a while, when he finally spoke.

“My grandparents have a tiny cabin my grandpa uses when he fishes. Sometimes he gets too tired to drive home, so he built this place,” he said as he drove. Just then a tiny cottage came into view. It looked like something out of a fairytale. “I wanted to show you the lake after a snowfall. It’s beautiful.”

We hopped out and stepped onto the wrap around porch. Once we were on the side of the house, I could see what he wanted me to see. The sight was breathtaking. We were surrounded by snow-covered trees and in the middle sat a clear, blue lake. “This is amazing,” I said, thinking back to my time at the ravine with Logan. I had been missing all of the wonders right in front of my eyes.

“I’ve been coming here all my life. I love it.”

“I can see why.”

“It’s freezing. Let’s get inside.” He grabbed a few logs from a firewood bin, and unlocked the door.

“Are you sure they won’t mind if we’re here?”

“I’m positive,” he said as he opened the door.

The inside of the cottage was warm and inviting. Overstuffed sofas sat against the walls, and there was a large, rustic looking dining table sitting near a small kitchen that occupied a corner of the main room. The wood paneled walls were painted white and gave the space a “beachy” feel. A large fireplace took up one of the walls, and above it a mantel displayed family pictures in miss-matched frames.

Jake got the fire going right away then headed to the fridge. “They were just here last week, so the fridge should still be stocked. Aha!” He pulled out whatever he was looking for. It was apple cider. He took a pot off of a hook on the wall and poured some of the cider in, then sat it on the stove to heat up. It made the room smell amazing. He handed me my mug and I inhaled the scent before I tasted it. We made our way over to one of the sofas and sat down.

“Thank you,” I said between sips.

“Oh, you’re welcome. My grandparents get the cider from an orchard up the road.”

“No, I mean thank you for bringing me here. I really didn’t want to go home. But the cider is good too.”

He sat his cup on the little, wooden coffee table and leaned closer. “I really didn’t want to take you home.” His voice was low and sent goosebumps all over my body. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t say anything stupid, then I took another sip from my mug. He leaned back a little then something outside caught his eye. “I may have spoken too soon. Looks like I have to take you back. It’s about to start snowing again,” he groaned. I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face. “Maybe we can give it just a little longer?” He asked with an arched eyebrow. I nodded yes, and we both settled back on the sofa.

I was mesmerized by the crackling fire and couldn’t take my eyes off it, but when I looked over, Jake wasn’t watching the fire. He was watching me. I smiled a shy smile and tried to think of something to say.

“Do you ever see your mom?” I mentally kicked myself for asking such a personal question.

“Yep. Every other week in Florence between 9:00 am and 3:00 pm,” he said bitterly.

Florence was our prison. “That must be hard.”

“Not for me. It’s kind of all I know. It’s hard for them,” he said, gesturing to a photo of his grandparents. “It kills me to see the look on my grandma’s face when we go there.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, don’t be. I don’t have any secrets, Meg.” His eyes locked on mine when he said it and I knew he meant it, but for some reason that terrified me.

“It’s warm in here,” I said as I pulled off my pea coat. I thought back to what he said about being hot when he was nervous. “Why did you say you were nervous earlier?” I blurted out.

He laughed a little to himself, and a small lock of hair fell in his eyes. I felt it again- the flutter in my belly. “You really don’t know, do you?”

I shook my head no.

“I’m nervous because of you.” A shy smile turned up a corner of his mouth.

I swallowed hard. “Because of me?”

“I really like you,” he said, just above a whisper. My heart started pounding and I prayed he couldn’t hear it. Without thinking I stood up and crossed the room. I could hear him sigh in frustration at my reaction. “Wow. I’m way off, huh? I thought just maybe you liked me too.” The disappointment in his voice physically hurt. I turned to face him.

“I do. I just can’t do this.” I hated myself for saying it.

“I feel like an ass,” he declared as he suddenly headed out of the front door. After a moment I followed him. It was freezing so I wrapped my arms around myself. He was standing near a tree, facing the lake. I looked up at how dark the sky had gotten. A fraction of a second later, snow started to fall.

“Jake, I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.” He didn’t turn around when he said it. “I’m just....I don’t know. I feel like you’re holding back from what you really want, and I thought maybe I could break down that wall. Every time I feel you give in a tiny bit, the wall goes back up.”

He was right. He was absolutely right. Mixed feelings rushed into my head at that moment and I was flooded with conflicting emotions. Most of me screamed to forget my big plans, and to let someone in. I knew I had already missed out on too much because I was too closed off. It was all too much at once and before I could help it, the tears started to fall. I tried to silence my sobs, but it was no use. Jake spun around in a flash and stood in front of me.

“Hey, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said gently. I didn’t even attempt to speak. “I’m so sorry. Now I feel like a jerk.”

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “You’re not a jerk. I am.”

“What? No.” He tilted my chin up so my eyes would meet his. “I’m trying to make you ready for something I’ve wanted since seventh grade.”

Confusion sank in as I processed what he said. “Seventh grade?” I asked between sniffles.

A smiled warmed up his face as he wiped away one of my tears with his thumb. “Megan Winters, I have had the most wicked crush on you since seventh grade, and I’m an idiot for waiting so long to tell you.” He held my face in his hands as he said it and I was sure my heart would beat out of my chest. He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “There is something I have been dying to do,” he said in a whisper that gave me chills, and suddenly his lips were on mine. Instead of resisting I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I heard a little moan escape from him and he deepened the kiss. Our lips melted together over and over until he finally pulled away to catch his breath.

I was still holding onto him for dear life. I knew if I let go my knees would give out, and he held on too. “You’re shaking,” he finally said. “We should get you back inside where it’s warm.”

“I’m not shaking because I’m cold,” I confessed.

“Oh.”

“Please do that again.” And he did, pulling my lips back to his and kissing me with a hunger I didn’t know was possible. This time he was shaking too, and we both pulled away at the same time. The intensity was almost too much to handle.

“Let’s get inside.” I was too overwhelmed to respond, so I took his hand as he led me back inside to sit by the fire. He grabbed a blanket off of one of the couches and sat down with me on the floor rug as he wrapped it around the both of us. Then he pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. “Is this ok?” he asked cautiously. I nodded yes, not trusting my ability to speak. He smiled and kissed my cheek. “Is this?” he asked as his lips moved to my jaw. My eyes fluttered at the sensation.

“Mmmhmm.” I was very aware of the fact that I wanted him as close to me as possible. When his lips grazed my neck I let out a soft moan and he suddenly pulled away.

“Oh man,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I need to calm down.”

“For your sake or for mine?” He looked surprised when I asked it.

“Those clouds are getting worse. I should get you home.” He pulled me back against his chest and neither of us made any attempt to move as we watched heavier snow start to fall. “Or maybe we’re already snowed in,” he said playfully.

12

Both of us lacked motivation to leave, and when we finally decided it was time to go, we were too late. We took one look at the snow that was falling and knew the lack of visibility would have us staying put for a while. Luckily, Jake’s grandparents had left the fridge pretty well stocked from their last visit. I called my mom and left her a message, knowing she probably wouldn’t notice my absence. Jake called his grandparents who seemed curious about why he was at the cabin, but must have not pressed him for too much info because the conversation was short.

“Ok, let’s see what we have,” he said as he looked through the cabinets. He found a loaf of bread that was still good, and a few slices of cheese. Then he pulled an apple out of the fridge and started slicing it into thin pieces. “I hope you don’t think apple and cheese is a gross combination.”

I smiled at this. “No, in fact, I love it. My grandma used to top apple pie with a slice of sharp cheddar. But you really don’t have to cook for me.”

“Maybe I really, really want to.”

“Can I at least help?”

“Sure. Why don’t you butter the bread?”

I got to work and we assembled our sandwiches, then he grilled them in a cast iron pan that looked like it had cooked hundreds of meals. We ate on the rug by the fire. I noticed how the flames made shadows on his skin, and it was almost impossible to concentrate on eating. I made it through half of my sandwich then put my plate on the coffee table. I wrapped my arms around my knees then stared at the fire.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked between bites.

“Probably too much to say.”

“How about just one thing.” He set his sandwich aside and sat next to me.

“I’m just wondering how everything can change so fast, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I just forgot things could change for the better too.”

“Explain,” he said, as he pulled one of my hands into his.

“When Noah died, my perfect world imploded around me. Everything changed- including me. I stopped engaging in...anything, because I thought everything good could end and it would hurt too much.”

“And?”

“And now, you come along, and I’m confused.” I turned to look at him, hoping my honesty wouldn’t be taken the wrong way.

“I’m confused too. I never, in a million years, thought we’d ever be in the same room outside of a classroom, let alone snowed in after making out for the afternoon.” He grinned as he said it, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

“Yeah, about that....sorry I’m an amateur.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, sorry if I don’t live up to your expectations. I don’t have any previous experience.”

“Wait. You’re saying I’m your first kiss?” His smile grew wider. “I think my heart might stop. I can’t believe I’m your first kiss.”

“Why on Earth would I make that up?” I asked, feeling a little embarrassed.

“I don’t mean anything bad. I just....I feel lucky.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. Whatever the outside world had in store for us could wait. All I wanted in that moment was to enjoy being with Jake.

“Let’s get you something to wear to sleep. I have some clothes here.” He went into the only bedroom and pulled out a tee shirt from a drawer, along with a pair of plaid boxers. “Will this work? We’ll match. I can sleep out here so you can have the room.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of sleeping arrangements. “Would it be weird for me to stay out here with you?”

He made a little sound like he had almost choked. “No. Not weird at all.”

I went into the rustic bathroom and cleaned up a little. There was a tube of toothpaste, and I put a little on a paper towel and used it as a toothbrush- an old trick I learned from Girl Scout camp. I found a hair tie and pulled my curls up in a bun. Once I was done, I stepped out and found Jake matching me just as he promised. We curled up on the couch together and I was amazed at how perfect it felt. Nothing could stop his lips from instinctively finding mine, and we kissed, lazily until we both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to Jake holding me against his chest as he ran his fingers in my hair.

“Sorry, I took your hair tie out.” His voice was a little husky and it gave me a few unexpected shivers.

“That’s ok,” I said as I yawned. “Did we miss school again?”

“Nope. I checked on my phone. Another snow day, but there’s a break in the clouds, so I should be able to get us home.”

I felt a little pang of disappointment at the thought of leaving. “Yeah, I should check in with work a little later.” I sat up and something about the look on Jake’s face worried me. “What’s wrong?”

“Is this....are we...” he started but he couldn’t finish his question. Now I was really worried. “I won’t be mad if this was a fluke. I know I’m not enough to change your mind, or your plans.”

I started to understand what he was getting at. “Jake, a few days ago I swore I had everything figured out. Now, I’m confused in the best way ever. All I can tell you right now is that I want to be as close to you as possible. Just thinking about going home today makes me feel anxious, and we haven’t even left yet and I already miss you.” I prayed I hadn’t confessed too much.

“Really?” he asked in a hopeful voice.

“Really,” I said as my eyes locked on his.

He pulled me in close and kissed me. “If I don’t get you home right now, we may never leave,” he whispered.

“Right. We need to go.”

We were both quiet on the drive into town. Everything was covered in glistening white, and it all seemed so tranquil, and I felt peaceful for the first time in so long. I wanted to say so many things, and ask Jake so many things, but for now I just wanted to enjoy the silence.

I couldn’t make my legs move when he pulled up in front of my house. I just sat, frozen, as I stared at the front door. Jake got out and came around to open my door.

“I have to go in, don’t I?”

“Yeah. You probably should, even though I don’t want to give you back.” He pulled me into a hug and for a minute the thought of going home, and everything else in the world disappeared. “I can come by later and pick you up if you want. I just need to go home and have some face time with my grandparents. They’ll probably grill me about why I was at the cabin.”

“Will you be in trouble?”

“Nah.”

“Good.”

“I’ll call you a little later.”

“K.”

He leaned down and kissed me gently, then watched to make sure I got inside ok. I looked out of the peephole at him driving away, and I was shocked at how much I missed him being close.

13

Nothing much had changed when I got home. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table in her robe, staring out of the window- but I doubted she saw much of anything. She turned in my direction when I walked in.

“There are a few slices of bacon and some eggs on the stove,” she said in a groggy voice. I had to make sure I heard her right. Meals had been on a strict “fend for yourself” basis for many years.

“Um, thanks. I’m gonna clean up a little first.” As I turned to walk away, she spoke again.

“Who was that?”

“Who was who?”

“The boy. The one that brought you home.”

I wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion. She never spoke to me, let alone asked me questions. “His name is Jake. He’s from school.” I waited for a response, but after a few moments of awkward silence, I made my exit.

I took a quick shower and shoved my hair in a towel. The weird “almost” conversation with my mom left me with no appetite, so I didn’t bother to go back to the kitchen. I decided to double check on the coffee shop to make sure I didn’t need to work. Betsy answered in one ring.

“You’re off the hook again. Mark and I are snowed in.”

“I kinda figured, but wanted to make sure. I kinda made plans.”

“You? You made plans? Tell me about these plans. I’m horribly bored.”

I told her everything. Betsy was the older sister I never had, and she and her husband were two of the only people in the world I could trust.

“Are you going to see him today?” I could almost hear the grin on her face.

“I think so. I hope so,” I confessed, feeling my cheeks get hot.

“I want details. Call me as soon as you get home. I have to go tell Mark!” She squealed out loud.

“No, don’t tell him.” I groaned and fell back on my bed.

“You know I can’t keep this to myself. I’ll be selective with my details.”

“Fine,” I said in frustrated defeat.

I thought about taking a nap after I hung up, but I knew I had plenty of school projects that needed attention. I got to work on a paper for my English class, and that reminded me that Jake was in that class too. I worried a little about how we would be around each other at school. I was shaken from my thoughts when my phone rang. It was Logan.

“What’s up?” I asked when I answered.

“Just seeing if you’re ok. A few houses don’t have power.”

“We’re all good here. What about you guys?”

“We’re good. I came by last night, but you were gone. Were you with Jake?”

“Logan, why do you care about where I was?” I knew I sounded frustrated.

“I guess that’s a yes. I just thought....I don’t know what I thought. I’ll talk to you later.” The line went dead after that. I bugged myself with the question all day. What did he think?

I shook off my conversation with Logan and got to work. Time must have flown. It was getting dark when I finally took a look out of my window. I was feeling pretty hungry, but debated on going back to the kitchen where my mom could still be. She was known to sit four hours and stare out into space. I didn’t want to imagine what went on in her head when she got like that.

The hunger pangs finally got so bad that I decided to risk it, but I was saved by the bell. The doorbell. I opened it to a shivering Jake.

“Go get a coat and get in the truck. I’m freezing!” I did as I was told and ran out to meet him. He was waiting to open the door for me and I thought of how sweet that was.

“It’s so warm in here,” I said once we were both inside the cab.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call first. I was just too excited.” He grinned at me then looked down at the steering wheel.

“It’s ok. I was ready to leave anyway. We have no food in the house.”

He looked back up at me with a worried wrinkle between his brows. “Did you eat? Are you hungry? We can go get something.” He sounded a little like a worried parent.

“That would be great, but only if you’re hungry too.”

“I’m starving,” he said with a wink, and automatically I was blushing again.

14

Just about everything in downtown Flagstaff was closed. The snow hadn’t even been cleared yet, but we were able to find one fast food place off of the highway that was open. “Should we order at the window, or go in?” he asked when we pulled into the parking lot.

“I’m almost too cold to move.”

“I have a full tank of gas. We can hang out in here as long as we want.” He pulled up to the menu board and cracked his window just a fraction. We ordered burgers and fries and headed out to a park that was close by. Once we were parked we dug in. The food was warm and it hit the spot. I felt a little embarrassed about how fast I devoured my meal. I took a drink of my cherry lemonade, hoping it would wash away the smell of the burger.

He patted the spot right next to him, and I scooted closer. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against his chest. My head was tucked just under his chin and I could feel him kiss the top of my head. “I thought about you all day,” he whispered into my hair.

“I thought about you too,” I confessed. I laced my fingers into his and rubbed my cheek against his hand. He shifted slightly and turned my head to face him.

“I need to kiss you now,” he whispered, and then his lips were on mine. Our kiss made my entire body shiver in a good way. I felt his hand tangle in my hair before it traveled down my back and along my spine. He pulled up the back of my shirt and the contact of his fingertips to my skin sent a shockwave through me. That’s when the kiss turned hungry. We both sat up, and I wrapped my arms around his neck as his mouth devoured mine. His fingertips played at my ribcage as my own hands traveled under his shirt and along his chest. I could feel his heart beating as hard as my own.

He pulled away without warning, leaving us both breathless. I looked at him, confused and wishing he hadn’t stopped. “Sorry. If I don’t stop now, I could get a little too carried away,” he admitted as he caught his breath. “I saw snow plows on the road earlier. That probably means we’ll have school tomorrow.” All sorts of questions popped into my head after he said it. It must have shown on my face. “What are you thinking about?”

“What happens now? At school?”

“What do you mean?” He looked confused.

“With us?”

“Oh. Well, I hope I can hold your hand when we walk down the halls.” He was grinning his boyish grin that made me melt. “Why are you asking me that? Are you assuming I’d pretend I didn’t know you or something?” He said it playfully but when I didn’t answer he sat up and his face turned serious. I could tell by the way his jaw tensed up that he was a little angry. “Is that really what you’re thinking?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to think. This is all so new to me.”

“That’s not what you want, is it?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Meg, I want to walk in together tomorrow, with my arm around you. I want everyone to know that you’re mine. You are mine, aren’t you?” It was a fair question. We hadn’t really made declarations to one another.

“I’m yours...if you want me to be.” He didn’t answer with words. Instead he pulled me into another kiss that made my head spin.

Later that night I was reminded of him every time I put lip balm on my deliciously sore lips. We made plans for him to pick me up for school and I tried to get a good night’s sleep, but that was difficult because my brain buzzed with thoughts of Jake.

I watched for him the next morning. When he pulled up I ran outside, saving him the trouble of getting out in the cold. My hair was pulled into two loose braids under my slouchy beanie, and I hoped I looked ok.

“Are you ready?” he asked as I buckled in.

“Yep.” I thought to myself that this would be an interesting day.

He opened my door for me when we got to school, and we walked up the steps with our fingers laced together. There were a few sideways glances at the two of us together, and one look would have killed us if it were possible. Logan was leaning near my locker- no doubt waiting for me- but stormed off once he saw me walk in with my hand in Jake’s.

“What the hell was that?” he asked, a little defensively.

“I honestly have no clue.” It was the truth.

“Meg, were you and Logan....” he didn’t finish as he ran a frustrated hand into his hair.

“No! There’s nothing there.”

“I’m not sure he’d agree.”

I had to wonder if he was right. My thoughts were interrupted when someone new joined us. Jake’s face grew into a huge smile, and he high-fived the other kid.

“Do you know Lance?” he asked me.

“I have chemistry with you, right?”

“Sure do,” he said with a smile that was genuine and warm.

“Lance has been my best friend since first grade.” Lance gave him a wrinkled look with a question in it. It had to be about me. “Lance has also known about my hard-core crush on you.”

“Ah, so I take it she knows how you feel about her?”

I could feel my face go bright red.

“I hope so,” he said, looking at me instead of Lance.

I looked down at my feet, knowing I my cheeks were probably the color of a tomato. We heard the warning bell, and with a little peck on the top of my head, we parted ways.

During class I felt like all eyes were on me. It could have been my imagination, but it was hard to focus on classwork when I was getting curious glances from everyone. Plus, I had Jake on the brain in a huge way. I reminded myself that I needed to focus so my college apps would be perfect, and that took my mind to a whole new area. Would I want to leave Jake?

After class, I headed to get some notes I needed and found Logan leaning against my locker. He didn’t say anything when I walked up. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively. “Can I get in my locker?” He moved to the side just a fraction.

“So, you and Jake are kind of official now?”

I took a frustrated breath and turned to face him. “Seriously? Yeah, I guess we are. Does that bother you?”

“Kinda.”

I slammed my locker shut. “Logan, I have no clue of why you even care, but if you have something to say, just say it already. I don’t take well to passive- aggressive behavior.”

“You think I’m being passive-aggressive?” He rolled his eyes at me as he asked it.

“Whatever. I don’t have time for this,” I said, leaving him and his weird mood behind.

Blaine watched me like a hawk in my next class. Every time I looked up I caught her eyeing me. I quietly moved to the empty seat next to her and leaned over to whisper. “Something you want?” She looked a little surprised at my confrontation.

“What did you do to Logan?” she asked in an angry whisper.

“I didn’t do anything to him,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “You two clearly have a few things to work out and you need to leave me out of it. I have nothing to do with whatever is going on with you guys.” I was politely shushed by the teacher and reminded that I was in class. I had said what I needed to say so I turned my focus back on my work.

Logan didn’t really acknowledge my existence for the rest of the day, but Blaine managed to shoot me as many dirty looks as possible. I had no idea there could be so many varieties.

Jake joined me for lunch under my tree where we both froze, but no one bothered us. We forced ourselves to concentrate in English class, but it was hard not to glance at him from time to time, and he was usually glancing back which made both of us grin like idiots.

The whole week was much of the same, and I was actually looking forward to my weekend so we could spend time together, but he made sure to visit me at work, and Mark and Betsy loved grilling him while he was there. Betsy’s approval of Jake meant a lot to me. She encouraged me to take long breaks during my short shifts so Jake and I could hang out together and I thought about the day I would get a real boss, and not know what to do with that.

I was antsy when Friday rolled around. Just one more day and we’d spend all of Saturday together. We had decided in the middle of the week that we’d do usual couple stuff. Neither of us had ever done anything like that. We planned on dinner and a movie, but he warned me that he’d probably show up at my house right after he woke up. I told him I’d probably be wide awake and waiting.

As I searched in my closet for what to wear, I thought about how I had never paid attention to my clothes before- but I had never really had a reason to care. I made a mental note that I would have to do some serious shopping soon. I grabbed a black and white striped tee shirt and some faded skinny jeans and got myself dressed. It was still freezing out, so there was no point in trying to make my hair cute. It would be hidden under my slouchy beanie. I gave myself two braids, pulled on my red converse, and then I was on my way.

Jake had been driving me most days, but today I told him I’d meet him at school. Mark and Betsy needed me at the shop right after, and I didn’t want him to feel like he had to drive me around everywhere.

When I pulled into the school parking lot I spotted Logan near the entrance. I was pretty early so not many people were around yet. I looked around for another entrance, but I knew the main doors would be the only ones open this early. I tried not to make eye contact as I walked by, but it didn’t stop him from acknowledging me.

“Eggy, why are you in such a rush?” He didn’t sound right and I knew exactly why.

“Are you seriously drinking before school?”

“Yep. Gotta do something to take the edge off.”

“What edge? What’s so terrible that you have to do that?” I asked, pointing to a flask he wasn’t hiding very well.

“I told you already. My parents, my past, my future,” he slurred, waving his arms around.

“Hey, tone it down. You’re being pretty obvious.”

“Good, maybe they’ll kick me out.”

“Logan, grow up. We all have crap to deal with. So deal with it. Avoiding it isn’t doing you any favors.”

“Oh, so now I get advice from you? Queen of dysfunction? You can’t even speak because of how messed up you are! Oh, but wait- now you’re in love and normal, and everything will be just fine,” he said sarcastically through gritted teeth.

“You’re an ass.” I turned to walk away, but ran into a chest I knew all too well. Jake wrapped a protective arm around me.

“Are you ok,” Jake asked before he turned his attention to Logan. I nodded yes. “If you come near her again you’ll regret it,” he threatened in a tone that made me shiver.

“How much did you hear?” I asked once we were inside.

“Enough to know you can fend for yourself.” He pulled me into a hug.

“He’s drunk. It’s just....sad.”

“Well, he’s not your problem.” He kissed the top of my head and insisted he walk me to class.

My little interaction with Logan nagged at the back of my mind for most of the day, but I pushed it aside and reminded myself that it was Friday. I was free from all of this for two days, and I’d probably spend both days with Jake.

After school, I headed straight to the coffee shop. We had a lull before the onslaught of 5:00 commuters bombarded us. After that it was quiet again. I made Jake promise to stay at home. I felt bad that he spent so much time at the shop watching me work. He reluctantly agreed, but he did text me a few times to entertain me.

Just before I was ready to close a little surprise walked in the door. Blaine and three other girls from school sauntered in. I was ready to end my shift and call it a night, and I was in no mood for the B.S. they were no doubt about to dish out.

“Blaine, I’m closing.”

“Oh, we’re not here for coffee. We’re here to chat,” she said in her most condescending tone.

“And what could we possibly have to chat about?” I stayed behind the counter where the panic button was located, knowing I didn’t have good odds in a fight of four against one.

“So you have a new boyfriend, and you’ve wrecked my old one.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I think it’s only fair I wreck yours, right?”

“Leave.” My patience was wearing thin.

“When I’m done I’ll go.”

“Look, you’re boyfriend was wrecked a long, long time ago. And for the record, you’re the only one who thinks you’re in a relationship with Logan. He’s flat-out denied that you mean anything to him.” I had just hit below the belt, but I was done with her. She didn’t respond to that comment.

“We’ll see how loyal your new boy toy is. Funny, I never noticed him before you started going out. He’s pretty hot.”

“Oh my God. You’re beyond gross. Go ahead and try. I’m not even a little worried. I’m sure it’ll help improve things with Logan too,” I added sarcastically.

“We’ll see.”

After they finally left, I closed up as fast as I could and got out of there. Blaine was clearly crazy, so I wasn’t about to put anything past her. As soon as I got home I sent Jake a text. I told him I couldn’t wait to see him and he warned me that he’d be up early. He was true to his word. I was up and ready before the sun came up and he showed up just minutes later.

15

Jake was back to driving his small Jeep now that the roads had been cleared a little. He opened the door for me and I hopped in. It was toasty warm inside. As soon as he was in he leaned over and pulled my lips to his. The kiss was urgent and hungry and in just moments we were both getting carried away right in front of my house.

He pulled himself away and I gave a disappointed pout at the absence of his lips. He grinned at me and ran his thumb across my lower lip.

“We should get something to eat before I end up devouring you.” The comment gave me goosebumps.

We ended up at the pancake place. As we ate our hotcakes, we mapped out our day. We were in no rush and let our server refill our hot chocolate over and over.

“What if we saw two movies? We could have dinner in between,” he suggested.

“Well, are there two movies we want to see?” I asked.

“I don’t really think it matters. I doubt we’ll be watching much.”

I started blushing immediately, catching his meaning. “Good point.”

“I love it when you blush,” he said, and the comment made my cheeks burn. Our server gave us the check and saved me from having to say anything else.

After we paid we hopped back in his jeep and took off without a plan. “I know where I want to take you,” he blurted out as he started heading downtown where all of the quirky shops were. We pulled up in front of a store that had no name- just a sign out front that said “Antiques and Collectibles”. “You’re going to love this!”

My eyes got huge once we walked in. Everywhere I looked my eyes landed on a toy from a time past. But something in the back of the store caught all of my attention and I started walking that way without any warning to Jake.

“Don’t get lost!” he joked as he tried to catch up with me. Then he saw what I saw. Rows and rows of little houses, painted carefully with no detail missed. Lights were on inside of them and little dolls were displayed in each tiny room- doing normal, family things. They were all Victorian style houses, all painted in bright colors.

“These are amazing,” I said as I traced the details on the woodwork of a purple and green house.

“They are. Did you have one when you were little?”

“Yeah. I still do. My mom had little people painted to look like our family. I played with that thing everyday. I used to try to get Noah to play, but he’d tell me it was too girly.”

“He was right. I would have said the same thing,” he teased.

“I guess,” I said with a smile. It was nice to be able to speak about him and not his tragedy. “I always loved the tiny kitchen stuff.”

“It’s pretty amazing how detailed it can be,” he said as we both peered into the tiny windows. “Wanna see my favorite part of the store?”

I nodded yes and he pulled me by the hand to a section of the store that was covered in wall to wall rows of comic books. He seemed to know exactly which box he wanted to look in. “These are what I spend most of my money on.” He pulled out a few comics that were carefully sealed in plastic bags. They were old crime stories. No super heroes or goofy characters. “Some of these were based on true stories. Those are my fave.”

“These are great. I don’t know much about comics.”

“You will after you hang out with me. I think this is the only reason I work in my Grandpa’s shop. I spend all the money I earn in here. What do you spend yours on?”

I instinctively looked down at my feet. I didn’t like thinking about going away while we were spending time together, but somehow I was always reminded. “I save it all.” When I looked back up at him his smile was gone. I saw the muscles in his jaw working a little. He didn’t say whatever was on the tip of his tongue.

“Should we go see what’s playing?” I took his hand as he led me out of the store. I felt responsible for the dark cloud that popped up over our mood. My feet were suddenly stuck in place. He tried to pull me along, but came to a stop when I did.

“Do we need to talk about this?” I blurted out. He let go of my hand and ran frustrated fingers through his hair.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” He paced a little and shoved his hands into his jean pockets. “I think about it...a lot.”

“Me too.” It was the truth. My rational brain said giving up my dreams for a boy was out of the question, but my heart was a whole different story.

He stopped pacing and stood in front of me. I thought about how my head fit perfectly into the space under his chin when he hugged me. Then he pulled me into one of those hugs and kissed the top of my head. “Let’s just focus on right now.”

“Agreed,” I said just before he gave me a soft kiss and pulled me in the direction of his jeep.

We bought tickets to a movie and found seats in the very back. Lucky for us, the theater stayed almost empty. It was almost impossible to keep our lips apart the whole time and the movie’s plot was wasted on us. When it was over, we both giggled at how we didn’t even notice the credits come up. We decided we’d take an early dinner break and headed to a little cafe next door. We were greeted with an unpleasant surprise when we walked in. Blaine and Logan shared the tiny waiting area with us as we waited to be seated.

Jake immediately put a protective arm around my shoulder but the distance between Blaine and Logan could be felt more than seen.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” I said. I was ready to walk out when Logan spoke up. He looked nervous as he fidgeted with his fingers.

“Stay.”

“I’d rather not,” I shot back.

“I’d rather you didn’t either,” Blaine said with crossed arms and an angry face. I let out a frustrated sigh and I regretted letting Blaine know she was getting under my skin. I grabbed Jake by the hand and pulled him out and into the cold night.

“I’m sorry. I can’t stay in there. Can we just eat popcorn for dinner?” He pulled me into the warmth of his arms and kissed the top of my head, instantly making me smile.

“Maybe we can even spring for nachos.”

“I like nachos. I can’t promise I’ll share,” I said with a grin. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we began to walk back to the movies, and in the window of the cafe I caught a glimpse of Logan watching us, and Blaine watching him with a disgusted look.

We sat in the lobby and nibbled on snacks as we waited for our showing to seat. I could tell Jake had something on his mind with how distracted he was. “Hey, what’s going on in there,” I said as I tapped his temple. He sighed and looked me straight in the eyes.

“Was there something with you and Logan? I mean...he’s very territorial with you.”

“No. Not a thing. Seriously. After Noah, we didn’t speak....like at all.”

“Then what’s his problem?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“And Blaine...she hates you. Why?” I set my plate of nachos down on the bench and leaned against the wall behind me.

“One day, I was all by myself and they stormed the coffee shop. He got the impression that it instantly made us best friends. The truth is that I don’t want to revisit that part of my life again. As for Blaine- who the hell knows?” As if saved by the bell the doors opened and seating began. Another plot was lost on us as we lost ourselves in the back row of the movie theater.

The next few weeks we began to build a routine. During our days at school we’d steal any moment we could find to be together, if only for a moment. My evenings were kept busy with schoolwork and the coffee house, but it was hard to concentrate on anything but the next time I would get to see Jake.

Blaine and Logan were far from my thoughts. Her dirty looks bounced off of me and had little effect. I was too preoccupied with thinking about the butterflies Jake gave me, but it was hard to ignore how miserable Logan looked. I assumed it was because he was stuck with a miserable person for a girlfriend.

I surprised myself by thinking about in-state colleges- somewhere closer to Jake. Ivy League would take me pretty far away, but my rational brain reminded myself that this is what I had been working for and not to give up on it so easily. I always managed to push the thought out of my mind. It was a problem for another day.

16

The weather was finally starting to warm up just slightly and most of the snow had started to melt. Our little town was covered in puddles and brown piles of ice. I was glad the weekend had arrived. Jake had plans to go see his mom, which meant he’d travel all weekend, so we decided to meet for breakfast before he left. I was happy to get out of the house. My dad had been sent home and was “recovering”. My usually tense home was even worse now.

We went to our favorite spot and ordered pancakes, but I found myself only picking at mine.

“What’s on your mind, Meg?”

“I don’t know,” I lied. The truth was that thinking about Jake being far away had me thinking about when I would be far away, and it made my insides ache. He set his fork down and looked at me thoughtfully.

“Tell me,” he said, reaching for my hand.

“Have you ever thought about where you’ll go to school?”

“So we are going to talk about this?”

“I guess so. I’m sorry, but it’s been eating at me. I keep thinking about how far away I might be.” The more I spoke, the more I felt like I was on the verge of tears.

“What happened to just enjoying right now?”

“That’s the problem. I’m enjoying right now too much.” A worried crease appeared between his eyebrows and he tried to understand what I was saying.

“You’re not saying you’d rather not enjoy right now, are you?” His voice was a little shaky when he asked it.

“No! I’m not saying that at all! I just wish I could take you with me....or maybe I should stay,” I said below my breath.

“Wait a sec, I won’t be the reason you give up on a dream. We’ll figure something out, but not that.” He looked at his watch and I knew I had the most horrible timing because he had to go. “Can we talk about this more when I get back tomorrow night?”

I nodded yes because I was afraid to try and speak. I didn’t want to start crying in the middle of the restaurant.

It was a quiet drive home. He opened my door for me and hugged me tight before he drove away. We made a promise to talk as soon as he got back. In the meantime, I knew I’d have some thinking to do.

I looked at my front door and then back to my little hatchback. I decided to go for a drive and visit Noah. When I got to his stone, there was a small pile of dirty snow pushed up against his name. I dug it away with my hands and used my coat sleeve to dry the spot off.

“Things are complicated, Big Brother. I never thought in a million years that I would have a reason besides you to stay in Flagstaff.”

I settled into the damp ground and rested against his stone. No one else was out in the cemetery. It was quiet and peaceful and the sun was shining full force. “You’d like Jake. He’s so sweet, and he makes me crack up- a lot like you used to.” I laughed to myself at a random memory of Noah and me, rolling on the living room floor, laughing at nothing in particular. “Oh man,” I groaned. “What am I gonna do?” After I said it, a few unexpected tears fell from the corner of my eyes. Apparently he and I really did need to talk about this.

I was snapped out of my peace and quiet when I heard footsteps crunching through the soggy grass. I looked up to see Logan approaching. I quickly stood and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Sorry- I didn’t think you’d be here. You haven’t been for a few weeks,” he said, apologetically.

“I didn’t know you were keeping track.” I was more defensive than I needed to be.

“I didn’t come here to fight.” He put his hands up in defeat. “I just came to talk to my friend.”

“I was just leaving. He’s all yours.”

“I was talking about you.” I started walking away but stopped when he spoke again.

“Oh.”

He paced a moment then got right to the point. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t do more to bring you back when you faded away. I’m sorry I pretended we never existed to each other, or that I never told my friends how funny you are, or how your smile could melt every inch of snow in town.”

I was speechless and at a loss for how to respond to what he was saying.

“If I could do everything over again, I’d change so much. Noah would have wanted me to be there for you. Instead I pop back into your life while I’m drunk. I suggest we go crash the place where you work because I’m too chicken shit to stop in on my own...or sober. Then I get you mixed up with Blaine’s drama. I don’t blame you for hating me.”

“Logan, I don’t hate you. And I don’t know what to say.” It was the truth. My mind felt too overwhelmed to respond.

“Do you love him?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I just want to know if you’re happy. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, I think I do. Do you love her?”

“No.” I felt sorry for him as soon as he said it.

“Then why are you with her?”

“She’s like any other addiction.” His words were so honest it hurt.

“Maybe she’s not good for you, Logan. Maybe you need to surround yourself with better people and things. Lay off the drinking.”

He gave a bitter laugh before he responded. “If you lived in my mind, you’d want to cloud it too.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you should face whatever’s in there and deal with it.”

“You know what’s in there. You’re the only one that knows.”

I shook my head in frustration and stuffed my hands into my pockets. “Logan, I’ll be here for you, but that won’t do you much good unless you get real help.” I looked around for his car, but didn’t see one. “How did you get here?”

“I walked.”

“Let me give you a ride.” He didn’t argue, but he didn’t want to go home either. We both agreed on the coffee shop. Betsy and Mark looked a little puzzled when we walked in together. “I know once Blaine finds out about this that I’ll have hell to pay.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. He looked at me and shook his head.

“Well, I can’t really argue with that,” he admitted. “I’ll deal with her. I don’t know how, but I will.” A crazy thought formed in my head after he said it.

“Call her now. Invite her here.”

“You’re joking,” he said, but I could tell he knew I was serious from the way he was looking at me.

“If she’s going to be part of your life then she deserves to know everything that goes on in your mind.” We flopped onto one of the sofas and he pulled out his phone.

“I’ll text. I don’t want to hear her screaming at me.”

Hey- come to the coffee shop.

The one the skank works at?

Just get here.

Is she there?

Just get here.

She got there about fifteen minutes later and did not look pleased to see us sitting next to each other on the couch.

“What the hell is going on?” She yelled it loud enough to attract attention to herself.

“Nothing is going on. I just need to talk to you. Megan convinced me that I need to be honest with you about everything. Calm down and sit.” She looked between us and paced a little.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“Ok, that’s my cue to leave you two alone. Good luck, Logan.” I stopped at the counter before I left. “I think I might need a latte for my exhausted mind.” Betsy was already at the machine and on it before I had said it.

“That kid is complicated,” she stated as she handed me my cup.

“You have no idea.” I rolled my eyes when I said it. I glanced over my shoulder to see if they were talking and they were. Logan looked nervous and I couldn’t read Blaine. I had to walk away and forced my feet to move to my car. I felt my phone buzz just after I buckled up. It was a text from Jake.

I miss you too much!!! Reading it gave my heart a little flutter.

Then you should come back ASAP! I miss you too!

Tomorrow you’re all mine! xo

XO

As I headed home, I thought about how thankful I was to Jake and how much I was looking forward to spending every minute with him. That’s when I could feel it- my entire obsession about leaving town faded away in that instant. It wasn’t a rash decision or impulsive. It was what my heart knew was right and perfect. Jake wasn’t just a high school crush. He was my forever. I couldn’t erase the smile from my face as I walked into my house, but it faded in an instant when I found both of my parents on the couch, waiting for me inside.

17

After my initial shock passed, I tried to walk past casually, but that was lost on them. They seemed just as nervous as I was.

“Sit down, Meg. We need to talk.” The shock picked back up after my mom said the words. I did as I was told, sitting in an armchair across from them. As unlikely as it was, I felt like I was going to be grilled by both of them in their debut parental act of my teen years. I decide to urge them on.

“What’s going on?”

My mom spoke up first. It was hard enough for my dad to even make eye contact. “Your dad is doing much better now and we’ve had an eye opener these last few weeks. We haven’t been what you’ve needed and we plan to change that.” My dad’s eyes welled up as my mom spoke. I was cautious as I took in what she said. “This place is tainted. The memory of everything we have gone through as a family has been toxic for the three of us.”

I wanted to scoff at her use of the words “we” and “family”. They had pretty much abandoned me emotionally years ago and had no idea of what it had been like. “What are you getting at?” I finally managed to ask.

“Even though you only have a year and a half left of high school, your dad and I agree that it’s not too late for a fresh start for us. We can’t do that here. Not with a memory around every corner.”

My blood went cold as I took in her meaning. Something I had been wishing for only weeks earlier was making me nauseous. “And where would we go?” I tried to hide the shaking in my voice and it must have worked. My mom’s eyes lit up as she answered.

“East Coast. You want to go to school there, right?”

“Is this really what’s best? Isn’t it kind of rash to leave everything we know behind? I have my job, and my grades could suffer.”

“There are other coffee shops, and you’re a bright girl. Your grades will be great anywhere.”

I thought long and hard about what to say next, but all rational thought flew out the window. “I don’t want to leave! I want to stay here, where Jake is.” Unexpected tears started falling from my eyes, leaving my parents speechless. This was clearly not what they were expecting.

“Who is Jake?” My father finally asked, breaking his silence.

“He’s my friend,” I said in a voice so small, I almost didn’t hear myself. “He’s more than that. He’s the only thing that makes me happy and I don’t want to leave him.” I stared at my shoes and played with the hem of my coat. My mother let out and exasperated sigh. It wasn’t my intention to make her angry or frustrated.

“This is what’s best, Meg. It won’t be easy on any of us. You have a few months to warm up to the idea. We won’t leave until the school year ends.” I started doing the math in my head. I’d only have a little over three months to be with Jake and my heart was already breaking.

I got up without a word and went to my room. I fell onto my bed and stared out of the window at the blue sky. Too many thoughts flooded my mind and I tried to grab one to focus on, but it was no use. Some hidden part of me made its way to the surface and filled my mind with regret. Maybe if I hadn’t let myself fall for Jake this would be so much easier. Maybe loving him was a mistake. I mentally screamed at myself as everything went blurry through my tears.

I ignored the soft knock at my bedroom door. I had nothing to say to my mom. I was beyond furious at her, but my rational side knew it wasn’t really her fault. How could they have known? Eventually, my body gave in to exhaustion so consuming, it was like nothing I had ever felt. I went to sleep with Jake’s face behind my eyelids.

I felt like I had been hit by a freight train when I opened my eyes the next day. My head was throbbing and my eyes stung from all of the crying I did the night before. When I sat up I grabbed at the top of my head to keep it from exploding. I could see mascara stains all over my pillow. A second later my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Meg? Are you ok?” Jake asked. I wouldn’t have recognized my own voice from how worn it sounded. An involuntary hiccup escaped at the sound of his voice and I felt more tears sting my eyes. “I’m coming to pick you up. We’ll talk.”

I rushed to brush my teeth and hair, and pulled on some clean yoga pants and an oversized sweater. A look of worry took over his face as soon as I stepped out onto the front porch. He took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.

“What’s going on?” he asked. I could only shake my head no. Words were sure to send me into a sobbing fit. “Tell me,” he whispered. I could only plead with him with my eyes, and when I didn’t answer, he pulled me into a tight hug. I took in his smell and the feel of his body against mine and I was overcome with a need to kiss him. When I looked up at him he knew and there was no hesitation. His lips were on mine, kissing me with an intensity that had me shaking. “Can we talk now?” he whispered against my hair when he finally pulled away.

We got in his Jeep and he drove aimlessly, until we came to a park that was pretty deserted. We didn’t get out. Instead, he cranked the heat and we climbed into the back seat. I made myself calm enough to tell him about my parents’ plan and as I spoke his face didn’t give away anything.

“I thought this is what you wanted,” he finally said after several moments of intense silence.

“I thought so too, but that all changed after I met you.” I could see his jaw tighten and it was obvious he was holding something back from me. He was trying to be brave for me.

“What if I wasn’t in the picture? How would you feel then?”

“I can’t....I don’t even want to take my mind there. You are in the picture. I love you so much and the thought is killing me.” My tears came back in an instant and as he wiped them away with his thumb, I could see it was hard for him to put on the brave face. He pulled me against his chest and kissed the top of my head over and over.”

“I love you too. So much. We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry.” But as he said it, my mind was already traveling to dark places I didn’t want to think about.

After a little while we decided we needed to go somewhere and not waste all of the fuel in his car. We pulled up to the diner but he gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles long after he had parked. He silently stared out of the windshield and when his words did come, they were furious.

“This is bullshit!” he yelled through gritted teeth as he punched the dashboard. I had never seen him come undone before. He had always played it so calm and this side of him was breaking my heart. He lowered his face into his hands and hid his eyes, but I could see the moist stain of a tear right on his jaw. I was at a loss for words so I wrapped my arms around him and it was his turn to crumble.

I knew at that point that I only had one choice. I needed to make a decision for us- a decision that would hurt. I needed to set him free. It would be the most painful thing I had ever done, but he’d get over me and move on. I couldn’t say the same for myself. But not right then. I needed to be selfish and steal any moments I could.

“Should we go in?” he asked as he wiped his eyes.

“I’m not really hungry. Maybe I should just go home.”

“Is that what you want?” He looked at me skeptically.

“No. I want to sit here with you forever.”

He gave me a sad smile and brushed his thumb across my cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, but he didn’t give me a chance to deny it or argue. His lips melted into mine and we were lost in a kiss that said more than words ever could.

18

Later that night, when I was alone in my room, I thought about what I had to do. I thought about how hard it would be, but I knew it was for the best. It made waking up the next day almost impossible. I knew that when I got to school I had an impossible task ahead of me.

Jake was waiting for me near the entrance and when he went in for a hug I pulled back a little, and it was for purely selfish reasons. If I had felt him I would have caved. He looked confused at first and then hurt. He was reading my face like a book, and when I saw his jaw tighten, I knew he could see what I was up to. He stood with his fists balled at his side and stared at me.

“Don’t do this. I know what you’re doing. Don’t.” His voice was fierce, but I could hear an ache in it.

“You know...we both know this is what’s best,” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong. Instead, I sounded terrified.

“That’s garbage and you know it.” He wasn’t backing down.

“Maybe we were just putting off the inevitable. Maybe this was a mistake.” That sparked his anger.

“Don’t you dare call what I feel for you a ‘mistake’,” he said through gritted teeth. “Maybe that’s how you really feel, but don’t tell me loving you is a mistake.” I tried to keep my composure. This conversation was hurting both of us, but maybe this anger would help him get over me faster.

“I’m leaving at the end of the school year- a lot sooner than I had planned. I should have known that I’m not meant to be happy, but I don’t regret it. Even if I knew it would hurt like this I’d do it again, but I don’t want to see you hurting. It’s too hard.”

“And you pulling away isn’t hurting me?” He took a step closer when he said it.

“It won’t last long. You’ll move on.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I caved and the tears started. He took another step, just enough of one to pull me to him. He rested his forehead on mine as he whispered.

“You must really underestimate what I feel for you. I’ll risk the pain, but don’t make my choice for me. Please don’t do this.” He wiped a tear from my cheek. The warning bell rang a second later, knocking us both out of our private moment, but he didn’t let go. I finally pulled away.

“I can’t...” I didn’t finish the sentence. Instead I turned and walked away as fast as I could. I knew if I turned back and saw his face that I would give in, but I didn’t.

The rest of the day was a blur. My mind was as far away from schoolwork as possible. I tired not to make eye contact with Jake, but every time I looked at him his eyes were on me, and they mirrored the hurt I was feeling.

He gave me my space that day, but I couldn’t say the same for Logan, who found me during study period. “There you are,” he declared, dropping his backpack next to me.

“Logan, I’m kind of having a bad day. Can we talk later?”

“I’m not going to bug you. I just wanted to say thanks. Blaine kinda gets me now. I’m glad you encouraged me to tell her what was going on.”

I managed to give him a small smile. “I’m glad.”

“I’m here if you need to talk about your bad day.”

“Thanks. Maybe when I’m ready.”

“Yeah. Well, I’ll leave you alone,” he said as he stood up.

“Thanks.”

I was ready to put the day past me and get to work, but Jake was waiting for me on the school steps when the day was over. I sighed and tried to find some resolve, but all I really wanted to do was hide in the spot just under his chin with his arms around me. He stood as soon as he saw me.

“Just hear me out...”

“Jake, don’t. Just don’t.”

“No!” He yelled it and I jumped at the anger and hurt all in that one word. “You said what you wanted to say and now it’s my turn. Why does it have to be over just because you’re leaving? We’ll both be miserable. I know you feel the same. Can’t we just try?” His voice went from angry to heartbreakingly pleading. I had to take a step back before I threw myself at him.

“We can’t. I just feel like I’m not meant to be happy and I don’t want you to get mixed up in my curse.” He closed the small gap between us and wiped away a tear I hadn’t even felt.

“You deserve to be happy. We both do.”

“Maybe. Maybe not with each other.” He recoiled after I said it, almost like I had slapped him. Every part of me felt a guilt so heavy it made it hard to do what I did next, but I somehow managed to make myself walk away.

Work was near to impossible that night. I didn’t want to be there, but I didn’t really want to be anywhere. If I could have found a way to disappear, I would have. Betsy decided to stay and catch up on some “work” that night, which was code for keeping an eye on me. She had asked me what was wrong, but even though I told her I didn’t want to talk about it, that didn’t stop her from figuring it out pretty fast.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go home? I can finish up here,” she asked with a worried expression on her face.

“I’m fine. I’d rather keep busy.”

“Fine, but you at least need to talk about it. I can practically see it churning inside of you.” She was right. I had never really had problems that involved other people because I kept them out of my life. We both took a seat on one of the sofas. It was late and the shop was pretty much empty. I filled her in from the beginning- telling her all about my parents’ plan and my choice to end things with Jake before it got any more serious. When I was done talking she didn’t say a word. Instead, she pulled me into a big hug and sniffled.

“Is it bad that I’m freaking about how I’ll lose you?” There was a tremble in her voice when she asked and I knew she was crying. She pulled back to look at me, then wiped her eyes and straightened up.

“No, because I feel the same. I thought this was exactly what I wanted, but now I know that was wrong....and it’s not just because of Jake.”

“Oh, sweetie. I don’t think you ever really wanted to leave. I think you just needed a way to put the past behind you. Jake made you realize you can make new memories. Are you sure you want to give him up so easily?”

“No,” I admitted. “But I can’t sit back and watch him possibly miss out on finding who he’s supposed to be with while he wastes time with me.”

“Shouldn’t that be up to him?”

“It was already in the back of his mind all the time. We could never even talk about it because it was too hard. This will just amplify that, and I can’t stand the thought of making him hurt anymore.”

“Alright. I won’t nag you about it, but you could be missing out on something incredible.”

“I already know that.” I leaned back on the sofa and closed my eyes.

“Go! Go home. You look exhausted.” I didn’t argue with her.

“Thanks,” I said as I hugged her goodbye.

19

The next few weeks at school were miserable. It was almost impossible to keep my grades up because my concentration was gone. Jake missed a lot of school and I couldn’t help but think it was my fault. When he did show up, he went out of his way to avoid me.

Logan and Blaine seemed happy, and he wasn’t making very many attempts to talk to me. We’d wave “hi”, but everything was going back to the way it used to be. I was blending in with the scenery and no one noticed me anymore.

I had my earbuds on one day as I read a book during lunch hour. The weather was warming up, so I was back to my quiet little spot outside. I saw the grass get dark with someone’s shadow. I was surprised to see who it was when I looked up.

“Hey, Meg,”

“Hey, Lance. What’s up?” I pulled my earbuds out.

“I’m worried about Jake. He’s not himself. He told me what happened. I get why you did what you did, but he’s a train wreck.”

“I’m sorry. I wish things were different. He’ll move on. I see the way girls gawk at him around here.”

“Yeah, well he’s not into those girls. He’s into you. Seriously, I have never seen him so down.”

“Lance, that kills me to hear, but I hope this will be for the best.” I grabbed my things and stood, hoping it would end the conversation.

“He’s willing to let it hurt. I think you know that. Are you really just protecting yourself?”

Those words hurt me and I needed to walk away, and fast- but my feet were glued in place. “I miss him so much.” I whispered.

“What’s your next class?”

“Study period, why?”

“You can skip it. Come on.” He started walking away and I followed him with no idea of what we were doing. “He needs to see you,” he said as we got into his car, and the truth was that I needed to see him. Betsy’s words were ringing in my head. Maybe I did need to let him decide if this was worth it. Maybe things could work out. The selfish part of me didn’t even care. The selfish part of me wanted to spend as much time in his arms as possible.

I started to feel a little nervous when we got to his house. Lance ran up the steps to his front door and I followed behind cautiously. The front door was open with the screen door closed. I could see him on his couch, playing a video game. He looked terrible.

Lance knocked on the screen door. “Open it up!”

“Go home. I’m not in the mood today.”

I noticed how his voice didn’t sound right. His words were slurred.

“You need to let me in. You don’t need to hide in your house and get tanked all day. Open it up!”

He didn’t bother to look in our direction and I was suddenly unable to speak. Had I really done this to him?

“Go home!” he yelled again, but Lance looked back at me and shook his head.

“Not a chance. Someone’s here to see you.”

“You can tell them to go the hell home too. Actually, you can just  tell them to go to hell. People suck- especially the kind of people that break your heart and throw in the towel. Wanna know why? Cause you’re just trash they can live without. Don’t trust anyone. They’ll just crush you.”

My heart fell apart after he said it.

“Dude, shut up,” Lance suggested through gritted teeth. I wiped the tears that started to fall.

“It’s ok. We’re not ready for this,” I tried to say quietly. I headed down the steps. All I wanted was to be as far from his door as possible. I wanted to destroy what I had just seen and heard. I heard the screen door bust open behind me.

“Meg, Wait!” Jake yelled. I didn’t stop walking. “Meg, please!” The ache in his voice was too much. I knew I had set us back a million steps.

I balled my shaking hands into fists and dug them deep into my coat pockets. “You were never, ever trash to me.” I said- not knowing if he could hear me. Then I made my feet move, even though my knees wanted to give out.

“Please, Meg. Look at me.” That would have been my undoing so I kept going, even though every part of me wanted to turn and run to him. “Fine! Screw you! Just keep walking. You’re great at walking away!” he yelled at me. I flinched at his words, but I didn’t look back.

He wasn’t at school the next day. Lance found me as I walked in. He offered a million apologies and I told him he did the right thing. He was just trying to help his best friend.

“He’s the responsible one,” he explained. “I’m the jack ass that gets in trouble all the time. Jake is always the levelheaded one. I have never seen him like this.”

“Lance, the weight of guilt is pretty unbearable. He’s not the only one hurting,” I reminded him.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Not very thoughtful of me.”

“He’s lucky he has you. You’re a good friend. I have to get to class.”

“Yeah, me too. Catch ya later,” he said as he walked away.

I had another day of not learning much. Trying not to think about Jake was only making it worse. Betsy and Mark didn’t ask at work. They could see it still hurt too much to talk about. He didn’t show up at school for the rest of the week, and it was almost impossible to ignore the worry that was going on in my mind.

On Sunday, I picked my phone up to text him at least ten times. But I couldn’t build up the nerve. I did the only other thing I could. I sent a text to Lance to make sure Jake was ok. He assured me that Jake was fine, but the same, and that was enough for me. The next day at school, I almost walked into him.

20

He stood at the entrance with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. His eyes were covered with black Wayfarers and his hair was hanging in his face. He spoke before I could get away. “Let me talk to you.” It was a quiet yet angry demand. I swallowed hard, feeling the lump in my throat start to form. “Please.” His voice cracked when he said it.

I looked around for a spot that wasn’t crowded. We both went over to a corner next to the stairs.

“Why did you come to my house the other day?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, it kinda does,” he shot back with sarcasm in his voice.

“I came because I was worried about you,” I whispered.

“Why else?”

“What do you mean? Isn’t that enough of a reason?”

“Why else?” His jaw was tight as he asked again.

“Don’t do this.”

“Because you’re miserable? Because you feel terrible like I do? Is it really worth it?”

“Please,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I was a jerk and you saw me like that. I was at my lowest, and I’m not proud of it, but please tell me if you came over because you miss me as much as I miss you.” The harshness in his tone was replaced with an ache. I made myself meet his eyes.

“I did, and I do, but I also realized it was a mistake.” I tried to keep my voice steady.

“So this is still what you want? For us to be apart and pretend we don’t mean anything to each other?”

“I couldn’t pretend that if I tried.” He did something that shocked me after that. He walked away without a word. I was left standing there, confused at how our conversation ended. When I looked over to where some other students were standing, I spotted Logan. He looked around then walked over to me.

“What the hell was that all about? Are you ok?” He asked.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“His face was intense. Did you guys have a fight?”

“No, we broke up...a while ago.”

“I’m sorry. Do you need to talk?” I shook my head no. I didn’t want to explain this to anyone. “I’ll walk you to class.”

For whatever reason, I let him. I wasn’t sure I’d make it that far if I tried on my own.

When I walked into English class later that day, Jake was already seated. His sunglasses were off and I could see the dark rings under his eyes. They matched the ones under my own eyes. He didn’t look up at me as I walked past him and to the back. I tried not to stare at the back of his head the whole time, but it was impossible.

As soon as the bell rang, I raced out of the door. I needed to be as far from him as possible. Now that I could see how much it hurt for us to be apart, I knew I had done the right thing. We’d only get closer and it would only hurt more if we went on.

I found my spot at lunch but I wasn’t alone for long. Logan sat beside me and didn’t waste any time asking questions.

“What happened with you and Jake?”

I sighed and leaned against the tree behind me. “I’m leaving at the end of the school year. My parents want to put the past behind us and start over. Ironic, huh?” When I looked at him for his answer, I got something else instead. His face had changed and I could tell his mind was far away.

“You can’t leave,” he whispered.

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

“I have to get to class,” he stammered as he got up. I watched him with confusion, but I didn’t stop him. I spent the rest of my lunch hour alone, and as much as I had been alone in the past, I realized I didn’t like it.

After a few weeks, I was able to get some of my focus back. We were approaching spring break and I had a lot of extra work to do if I wanted to pull my grades back up to where they needed to be. Jake was at school more often, but he didn’t give me the time of day. He wouldn’t look in my direction, so I avoided looking at him at all.

Logan was almost the same. He hadn’t spoken to me since that day at lunch, and I noticed he wasn’t with Blaine much either. I had asked Mark and Betsy if I could cut back on my work hours to focus on school, and they had agreed. I locked myself in my bedroom when I got home and studied as much as I could. I couldn’t get used to the idea of my parents acting like parents, so I was happy to hide away in my room and avoid them when possible.

Nothing about not being with Jake had gotten easier. I walked around with the guilt of hurting him heavy on my shoulders. I was ready for a break from the awkward days. It was finally the day before Spring Break, and I would get my much needed break. The only downside would be spending more time at home. At the end of the day I headed to my locker to get everything I would need for the week. I pulled my folders out and a folded piece of paper drifted out and fell to the ground. I knew the handwriting as soon as I opened it.

You’re still the in my heart, no matter what it looks like from the outside.

I understand what you’re doing, and why you need to do it.

I’m not angry. Please know I love you, no matter what.

I started crying right there in the hall, and thankfully it was pretty empty. It hurt so much to be without him, but I was so glad to know he wasn’t mad or bitter. A tiny bit of a burden had been lifted, and I felt like I could breathe just a fraction easier. I stuffed the note in my bag and wiped my eyes with my hands. I looked around the hall to see if he was near, but I was alone.

I avoided my parents and spent two hours in my room studying. The sound of a text message was a welcome distraction. It was Logan.

Please come out. So bored.

Studying. Sorry!

Study tomorrow. Coffee tonight.

I sighed before I typed in my response.

Fine. Just for an hour.

Twenty minutes later I was meeting him in the parking lot of the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both looked surprised when we walked in together, and I hoped that they hadn’t jumped to any conclusions.

“Don’t worry. This isn’t a rebound thing,” I said under my breath.

“I didn’t think it was,” Betsy replied with a raised eyebrow, clearly annoyed at my accusation. “Go talk to your friend. Mark and I don’t assume, nor judge.”

I smiled sheepishly and took my drink. “Thank you.”

Logan was leaning against the couch cushion and looked exhausted. He didn’t waste any time when I sat down.

“My parents hate me,” he groaned.

“I doubt that. What’s going on?”

“Well,” he said, sitting up a little. “I tried to talk them about school.”

“Oh wow. How did that go?”

“Not well. If it’s not the military, then I am on my own. School is expensive.” He sounded defeated.

“That’s not all bad news. There are tons of grants and loans. Even some scholarships you can apply for.” I tried to sound encouraging.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “In other news, Blaine and I are done. Like done, done.”

“Why? What happened?”

“My drama is too much for her. She likes perfection.”

“Her loss.”

“Damn,” he almost whispered as he stared at me.

“What?”

“I really wish I could go back and reclaim all those years we lost. I feel like I missed out on a lot.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I knew it was a gesture of friendship and nothing more, so I squeezed back.

“We have right now.” When he smiled I could see the same spark the little kid version of Logan had in his eye.

“You can’t leave, Eggy.” His eyes went dark again.

“I don’t have much of a choice.” I shrugged my shoulders to punctuate how I felt.

“Well, it sucks.” He flopped back against the cushions and groaned.

“I have to get home,” I said as I stood up. “Will you be ok?”

“Will you?” he countered. I nodded yes and made my way out. I hoped we’d both be ok, but I wasn’t sure.

21

Spring break had been too quiet. Mark and Betsy had given me the week off in hopes that I would do something fun, but my days were pretty much spent alone. By Tuesday I had cabin fever. I picked up my phone and almost dialed Jake’s number at least a hundred times, but would always end up chickening out. I longed to hear his voice, but that would be more bad than good for me.

I decided to head out to the bookstore and grabbed my phone and keys. When I glanced at my phone I saw a text I had missed from Logan. It was vague.

Do you think there is really a Heaven?

I wondered at the odd question.

Don’t know. I hope so. Why?

He never responded and I pushed it aside. I spent my afternoon at the bookstore then decided to go clothes shopping. The weather was getting warmer and I needed a few new things for spring. I also needed a way to kill time.

I heard my phone chime again when I got home. It was another vague text from Logan.

I have to wonder if there is a purpose to all of this.

All of this what?

Living, dying, hurting?

I called him this time. He answered on the first ring. “What’s with all the weird questions?”

“Just trying to figure out the meaning of life Eggy- if there is one.” He sounded wasted.

“Drinking isn’t going to solve anything.”

“You’re right. I feel just as miserable and confused as when I’m sober.”

“Is this how you have been spending Spring Break so far?” I couldn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.

“Maybe. I gotta go Eggy. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up, not giving me a chance to say anything else. I kept my phone in my hand, fighting the temptation to call Jake just to hear his voice, but I didn’t have to fight for long. My phone rang, making me jump. It was Mark.

“Betsy has the flu. Can you fill in? I’m swamped!” He sounded desperate.

“Of course. I’ll be right there.”

I threw on my apron and hopped in my car, thankful for the distraction. He wasn’t kidding about being swamped. The coffee shop was full. I shot Mark a questioning look as soon as I saw him.

“Scrap booking convention at the hotel next door,” he answered, not missing a beat. I got behind the counter and started cranking out drinks as fast as he could call them out. When our rush finally ended we both leaned against the counter. “Who am I going to call in a panic when you leave?” I smiled at him, feeling a little sad at the thought of going. “Think your parents would let us adopt you?” He laughed and swatted me with a towel.

“I wish,” I said with a roll of my eyes. We both took a look around at all of the full tables and couches. There were women scattered all over the shop comparing card stock and stickers.

“So have you broken down and called him?”

I shook my head no. “It’s been tempting. It’s easier this way.”

“From the look on your face I’d say not much easier.”

He was right. I picked my phone up, ready to give into temptation once again, but there was another missed text from Logan.

None of this is worth it.

Worth what?

He didn’t answer. Something about the text gave me chills. I wanted to go check on him, but I looked around the shop and the huge mess the crowd had created. I couldn’t really leave Mark to clean this alone. I figured I was reading too much into his text anyway, and got to work cleaning up.

As soon as we were done and locking up I called Logan. I sat in my car and waited for him to pick up.

“I’m so stupid, Eggy,” was how he greeted me. I knew right away that he had been drinking again.

“Stop this. You have a serious problem and I think you need help.”

“Ha,” he laughed bitterly. “You sound like my mom.”

“Well, she’s right. I care about you, Logan. You need to take care of yourself.”

“You care about me? Even though I was a complete dick to you for years?” His voice had turned angry, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me.

I took a deep breath before I spoke. “Logan, you are my childhood. Of course I care about you.”

“I lost him, and I was so...angry. I thought you would go away too. I thought it would hurt less if I didn’t know you anymore.”

“No one tells you how to grieve. We all did the best we could.” The truth was that I pulled away from the world for the same reason. Caring about people meant that you’d get hurt. It was easier to be alone. This is a weird conversation to have on the phone. Can I pick you up?”

He didn’t answer right away. “Yeah. I’ll be out front.”

He got in as soon as I pulled up, but we didn’t go anywhere. I watched him as he stared out of the window at the dark sky. “Everything is going to change and I can’t control it,” he said, sounding exhausted.

“That’s life, Logan. Things change and we need to evolve too.”

“I guess so. I don’t want to die with regret, or the ‘what if’s.”

“Well, tomorrow is never a guarantee. We both know that all to well, but I don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon.”

I could see a grin pull up the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t a friendly grin. It was a bitter one. “I love you, Eggy.” He didn’t look at me when he said it and before I could respond he stopped me. “Don’t! Just let me talk. I love you. I’m stupid for pushing that feeling down and hiding it, but it always crept back up. My heart stops a little every time I see you. It should have been me spending these last few weeks with you, and not Jake. I blew it.”

I blinked back tears as I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t know what to say either. “Why are you telling me this now?”

He finally looked at me. “No regrets, remember?”

I swallowed hard, fighting the lump in my throat. I was careful with what I said next. “I think we have both been exactly what we needed to be to each other.”

“Strangers?” He sounded frustrated.

“That’s not what I meant. If I hadn’t known you were out there, I don’t know if I could have survived when Noah died. We didn’t talk, but you were like my beacon. If I saw you I’d always remember something good.”

The space between his eyebrows creased and before I could react, he kissed me. It was forced and awkward, and I was pushing him away as soon as it started. He leaned back against the seat and groaned in frustration.

“So you don’t feel the same way.”

“Logan, I love you so much, but not like that. I’m sorry. My heart is still breaking over someone else, and life is so complicated right now.” I saw him wipe his eyes and immediately felt terrible. “Please try to understand,” I pleaded.

He regained a little composure before he spoke again. “I do, and I’m sorry I unloaded on you. My parents won’t let me drive right now due to my ‘reckless behavior’,” he said with air quotes. “Do you think we could hang out tomorrow? I need to get out of here.”

“Yeah, I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

He got out of my car and gave me a sad wave goodbye as he walked back to his front door.

22

The next day I mentally debated whether or not hanging out with him was a good idea. I procrastinated as I got ready, but seeing my parents at the kitchen table made getting out of the house seem like a good plan. Even though I picked up my phone to text Logan, the urge to call Jake was almost unstoppable, but I didn’t. I sent my text and drove to Jake’s. He was waiting outside for me when I got there.

“Where to, Sir?” I asked, hoping to keep the mood light. The look on his face was anything but.

“Would you mind if we went to the ravine?” I didn’t answer. I just drove. He didn’t get out right away once we got there. Instead he rubbed his hands on his jeans and tried to steady his breathing, which was shallow.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t answer. He just got out of the car and looked down at the stream that was no longer trapped with ice. Spring had turned everything green and it was beautiful.

“Can I use your phone?” he asked without looking at me.

“Sure,” I said as I handed it to him, but he did something that caught me completely off guard. He tossed my phone into the stream. “What the hell did you do that for? I can’t afford another one!” I screamed, but he didn’t even flinch. My phone had already floated away.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t want to be alone for this.” His tone gave me chills.

“For what? Why did you do that?”

With his hands deep in his pockets he turned in my direction, not even slightly phased by the astonished look on my face.

“I’m sorry, Eggy,” was all he said before he picked up the rock and hit me.

The world spun a little before I hit the ground. The pain in the back of my head was dull and I fought to keep my eyes open. I felt him reach into my pocket as he took my car keys out, then he tossed those too. I wanted to scream, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. The edges of my vision went black and I couldn’t keep my eyes in focus, but I fought. Logan was sitting next to me with something shiny, and silver in his hands. I watched as he slid the object across his wrists. I tried to sit up, but that’s when the blackness took over, and I felt nothing.

I slowly started to come to, opening my eyes little by little. The pain in my head was intense and reminded me immediately of what happened before I passed out. I sat up in a flash and found Logan next to me in a puddle of blood. I shook him, but he didn’t respond. I had no idea of how much time had passed or how long I had been out. I checked him for a pulse, and found a faint one. “Oh thank God,” I said out loud then I remembered he had tossed my car keys. “Dammit!” I screamed in frustration.

I wobbled to my feet and looked over at where he had thrown them, and a tiny flash of silver caught my eye. They were stuck to a vine near the bottom of the ravine. I looked around for a spot that wasn’t so steep and made my way down, still feeling a little dizzy. There was very little solid ground between the water and the vine. I edged my way around, trying not to fall in the water and reached for my keys. I snatched them and stuffed them deep into my pockets. The climb back up would be harder than the climb down. I grabbed onto anything solid and made my way back up. I tried not to hurry, even though I knew Logan probably didn’t have much time. But haste could make me take a misstep and I’d be back at the bottom of the ravine.

After what seemed like an eternity, I made it to the top and ran back to Logan. I opened my back seat and wedged myself behind him-wrapping my arms under his armpits. I pulled with every ounce of strength I had and finally managed to get him into the back seat.

My blood stained hands shook as I tried to get the keys in the ignition, and once they were in I sped to the Emergency Room. I walked in through the automatic doors and looked around. “I need help!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

After that, everything seemed to happen all at once. E.R. staff called out codes as an excited nurse tried to calmly ask me what happened. “My car. He’s in my car,” I sobbed as I pointed to where it was parked. E.R. staff with a gurney whizzed past me and I could see them pulling Logan out.

“Are you injured,” the same nurse asked.

I nodded no, then yes as I reached for the back of my head. They wheeled Logan past me, screaming more codes and that’s when my knees almost gave out. The nurse was quick and guided me to a chair before I could fall. “Is he going to be ok?” I asked with a shaking voice.

“The doctors will do everything they can. Let’s have someone take a look at you, ok?” I nodded, not feeling like I had much control over my shaking body. She helped me into a triage area and onto a bed. I could hear her explain what little she knew to the doctor who was examining me. Their voices sounded like buzzing and made my head hurt.

“I’m Dr. Davis. Can you tell me what happened to you and your friend?” he asked as he shined a light in my eyes, making me turn away.

“He tossed my phone into the ravine, and then he hit me,” I answered, not making much sense to them.

“She has a pretty good knot on her head, but I don’t see any lacerations. My guess is this is his blood.”

I looked down at my shirt and hands, remembering that I was covered in blood. I looked like something out of a horror film.

“Someone is probably worried about you? Who should I call?” the nurse asked, but before I could answer, everything went black again.

23

I was in a different room when I came to. Not much else had changed. I was still a shaking mess and as soon as I remembered what happened I screamed. The same nurse was at my side in seconds. Then two more figures walked into the room, and even though it had been years, I recognized them right away. Logan’s mom was beside me, pulling me into an embrace that only a mom could give.

She smoothed my hair as I sobbed. “You saved my boy,” she whispered and I pulled back a little. She had said “saved”.

“He’s ok?” I asked in a cracked voice.

“He’s far from ok, but he’s alive.” She held my face in her hands then hugged me again. “Now you need to tell these nice people what happened, ok?”

I recounted my story, taking breaks to make sure I hadn’t imagined the entire ordeal. Logan’s mom would squeeze my hand for encouragement when it was hard to go on. His dad stood in the corner of the room and rubbed his exhausted face. As I retold the story, I realized that it all happened so fast, but it felt like it was days ago.

“Megan, we need to get you home,” Logan’s mom said. Hearing her voice made my heart swell, and I realized how much I had missed her and his dad.

“I can take myself home, if I’m allowed to drive,” I said as a new nurse walked in.

“Out of the question, young lady. You’ll need someone to pick you up,” she said as she filled out a chart.

I thought of my options. My parents were out of the question, and Betsy was probably still sick, so I didn’t want to burden Mark with my drama. Logan’s parents offered, but I knew they’d rather stay at his side. There was only one person I could think of, so I picked up the hospital phone and dialed the number I had been tempted to call for weeks.

It felt like only minutes before Jake ran through the automatic doors and anxiously looked around for me. I stood from where I was sitting and our eyes locked for what felt like an eternity. He looked a little panicked as he took in my appearance. Then he crossed the tiny distance between us.

“What happened?” he asked. I didn’t have a chance to give him details on the phone.

“I’m ok. It’s not my blood.” I managed to say before I broke down into tears, and then I was in the safest place I knew. I was in his arms. He pulled me to him without hesitation, wrapping his arms around me protectively. I cried against his chest as he held me.

“You’re not ok. You’re shaking all over. Let’s get you out of here.” Keeping his arm around my shoulder to steady me, he walked me out to his Jeep.

“Please don’t take me home. I don’t want to explain all of this to my parents,” I said, waving a hand at my blood stained shirt.

“Where should I take you?”

I realized I was asking too much of him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to call.” I broke down again.

“No, I’m glad you called me. I’m here for you.” He started the engine and drove, not saying another word to me. I was a little surprised when he passed my street without turning. Soon we were out of the city limits, and I knew exactly where we were going.

When we pulled up to the cabin I felt an ache at the memory of when we were here last. He opened my door and helped me out. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” he said as we walked in. He went to the dresser and pulled out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. He set them on the bathroom counter and turned the tub on. “Just leave your things by the door and I’ll start the wash while you clean up.” He shut the bathroom door behind him and left me alone.

I almost gasped out loud when I looked in the mirror. Every inch of me was covered in blood. It stained my hair and hands, and I had streaks of it across my face. I wondered if this was why the E.R. didn’t have mirrors. I peeled off my shirt and saw that the blood had soaked through to the skin on my stomach and chest. I cracked the door and kicked my clothes off before sinking into the tub.

The water turned a rust color almost immediately as I washed away the blood. I let most of the water drain out and refilled the tub with clean water. I tried to wrap my head around what had happened as I soaked, then the water started to get cold and I knew it was time to get out. I dunked my head one more time then dried myself off and got into the clothes Jake had picked out for me.

He was lying on the bed when I opened the bathroom door. His hands were behind his head and his shirt was missing- probably because I had gotten blood on him when he hugged me. He heard me come out but he didn’t look in my direction. Instead, he stared at the ceiling as the muscles in his jaw worked.

“I thought something terrible had happened to you,” he whispered, still not looking at me. I didn’t move from where I stood.

“Thank you for being there for me. I don’t deserve for you to be nice to me.”

I leaned against the doorframe and stared at the ground.

“So what did happen back there?” he finally asked. I let myself sink to the ground and started telling him the story. We were both quiet but when I glanced at him I could see something that looked like anger in his expression.

“He kissed me and told me he loved me,” I blurted out. I was trying to say something but it was coming out wrong. My comment got Jake’s attention. He was sitting up now on the edge of the bed.

“And?” was all he asked.

“He said he didn’t want to live with regret,” I whispered, more to myself than to him. Things in my mind were falling into place all at once. I stood up and sat next to him on the bed. He looked at me with an ache that I understood all too well. I could feel my heart beating in my ears as I grabbed his hands. I put them against my chest so he could feel it too, then I cautiously rubbed my cheek against his. “I don’t want to live with regret either,” I whispered against his ear. I could feel his whole body stiffen like he was afraid, and that hurt. “I don’t want this- us being apart,” I confessed. “You mean everything to me, and I want to be with you. Maybe it’s selfish to put you through that. Maybe I’m selfish,” I whispered.

“What are you saying?”

“That I love you,” I said as I pulled back a little. “That you’re worth whatever comes next.” I let go of his hands, and looked down into my lap. Seconds went by that felt like hours and then he grabbed the back of my head and pulled my lips to his, and I could feel everything we had been through and all of its emotion in that kiss. Days of being apart, and all of the hurt melted away. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on tight, but he pulled back a little- shaking the spell of our kiss off.

“Are you sure this is what you want? Because I can’t go through losing you again.” I nodded yes and pulled his lips back to mine. It was a kiss that said everything words couldn’t. We fell backwards, onto the bed, our lips never parting. My arms were locked around his neck, and I had no intention of letting go. My entire body ached to be as close as possible to him. He was shaking as much as I was as we lost ourselves in each other- letting all of the “what if’s” disappear from our minds.

His eyes were still closed when I woke up next to him, and his arms kept me close- almost as if he was afraid I’d slip away. I kissed his jaw lightly and that’s when he started to wake up. His sleepy eyes turned in my direction and a smile spread across his face.

“Please tell me you’re real, and I’m not dreaming. I’ve had a hundred dreams like this, but I always wake up.”

I kissed his lips softly then reassured him. “You’re not dreaming.”

His mood turned from sleepy to serious in seconds, and suddenly he was up on his elbows and almost on top of me, only a fraction of an inch from my face.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” he said in a commanding yet frightened voice. I reached up and held his face in my hands.

“I won’t. Even if I have to physically move away, my heart is staying right here with you. We’ll make it work.”

There was no more talking after that. Our lips melted together and made up for lost time.

We somehow managed to pull ourselves back to reality and I knew I needed to go home and deal with whatever was waiting for me. I was sure either Logan’s parents or someone from the hospital had been in touch with my parents and an explanation was in order. I asked Jake to drop me off at home, deciding to deal with my car later. I didn’t think I could handle the sight of the hospital again.

I didn’t move when we pulled up to my house. I stared at the front door, wishing I was just an observer, and that the mess my life had become wasn’t waiting for me. The sight of my parents in the window pulled me from my daydream. I sighed and turned to Jake.

“Guess it’s go time.”

He caressed my cheek and kissed me softly. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” I hoped it was true.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” With those words I felt like I could face anything.

My parents grilled me the moment I stepped in.

24

Only, it wasn’t about my ordeal like I had expected. It was about Jake.

“Is that who you have been with all night?” My dad asked. But before I could answer, my mom shot another question at me.

“Since when is it ok for you to spend the night with a boy?” I opened my mouth only to be shot down again.

“We’ll have to insist that you don’t see him anymore,” my dad added. At this point I was seething and had too many things to say all at once. “As a matter of fact, we’ll expect you to be home a lot more until our moving date.”

“Wait...am I grounded?” I asked in disbelief.

“More or less, and seeing him is out of the question,” my mom said, pointing to where his car had been parked.

It took me a few minutes to find my bearings, but once I did it got ugly fast. I licked my lips and tried to take a few calming breaths before I exploded.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” My dad asked, like some horrible cliché’ of a parent.

“Yes. Yes I do,” I managed to say with a steady voice. “You two have no idea of what I have gone through in the last twenty four hours, let alone since fourth grade. I spent the day getting knocked over the head while my childhood friend tried to kill himself, and now my car is covered in blood and he almost died.” I was screaming at the top of my lungs by the last few words as my parents listened, wide-eyed and silent.

“That was just the last twenty four hours. My life has been a train wreck, and I have been taking care of myself since Noah died, and now? Let’s not forget that my own father tried to off himself not that long ago and now you both want to wake the hell up and pretend to be my parents?” My mom flinched as I punctuated the last part between gritted teeth. “You. Don’t. Know. Anything. About. Me.” I could see the tears well in my mom’s eyes and no part of me felt sorry for her. It only made me angrier.

“You don’t know how hard it’s been since your brother...” She couldn’t say the word, so I did it for her.

“Died. He died mom. And guess what? You had another child that you completely forgot about. So please, spare me the token parenting. I’ll go with you because I have to, but I intend to obtain my scholarships and move right back to be with Jake. Oh, wait...” I added sarcastically. “You didn’t know about my good grades or my scholarship and school goals because again- you know nothing about me.” I stormed up to my room, leaving my parents speechless.

I went to grab my phone then remembered watching it float down the stream. I picked up the house phone I hadn’t used in forever and called Jake.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

“Are you ok?” was his greeting.

“No,” I said honestly. “Things are crazy here and I already miss you so much.”

“I’m on my way back. I’ll be there in two minutes.” He was true to his word and my parents made no attempt to stop me from leaving. “So what happened in there?”

“Well, for starters, I’m forbidden from seeing you,” I said with a laugh.

“What? You can’t be serious.”

“I can’t do it. I can’t go with them. They’re not sane.” I could feel a bit of panic rise into my voice, and he pulled me to him as soon as he heard it.

“Don’t worry. We have time to figure something out,” he reassured me as he kissed the top of my head.

“Can we go to the coffee shop? I should probably check in since I don’t have a phone.”

“Sure.”

We pulled away from the curb and I was so happy to see my house fading in the distance.

I saw a pasty looking Betsy behind the counter when we walked in, but she managed to give me a warm smile anyway. Mark was drying mugs behind her. He looked surprised when he saw who I was with.

“Thanks for returning my calls,” he said sarcastically.

“I don’t have a phone at the moment. It’s floating in the ravine somewhere.”

He and Betsy looked at each other then back at me.

“This sounds like an interesting story,” Betsy said, motioning for us to sit down. Then I spilled it all. Every detail, including the last few hours. Betsy wore a worried wrinkle between her eyes as I told it, occasionally glancing at Mark with an “I told you so” look. She took my hands in hers when I was done talking and leaned in close. She looked at Mark and he nodded, giving her approval for something.

“Look, Mark and I have been talking. We don’t want you to go. It’s no secret that you’re like a daughter to us. We have a huge home and plenty of room. You’re a responsible girl and you make good choices. We’d love to have you stay with us.” She cut me off before I could speak. “Just think about it. You’d have to convince your parents too, so maybe this is all in vain, but we wanted you to know it’s an option.”

I didn’t know what to say. I sat there speechless at their offer. Jake put his arm around me and squeezed. I finally managed a “thank you”, but I still felt spellbound. “You don’t know how much that means to me- just to know you’d offer something like that.” I was doubtful that my parents would go for it and I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable taking them up on it, but it meant the world to know the offer was there.

I leaned back against the sofa and groaned when I remembered my phone was gone. I needed to get some money from my savings account and buy a new one. “Jake, would you mind taking me to my car?” I asked.

“No problem.”

I told Mark and Betsy that I would be in touch as soon as I had a new phone, and thanked them again for their kindness. Jake and I took off after I gave them each a huge hug.

“I need a favor,” I said, once we were in his Jeep.

“Shoot.”

“Can you go into the hospital with me? I really need to check on Logan, but I can’t do it alone.”

He reached over and squeezed my hand. “Of course I’ll go with you.” He gave me a reassuring smile and then we were on our way.

The nurses from the other night remembered me and pointed me in the right direction. I was overcome with nervousness when we got to the room. Jake pulled me into a hug. “You’re fine. I’ll be right over there,” he said, pointing to a little waiting area. I nodded and took a deep breath before I softly knocked on the open door.

His mom’s worried face lit up when she saw me, and she was up and hugging me in seconds.

“How is he?” I was almost afraid to look at him. We both sat and she held my hand tight.

“Well, he lost a lot of blood, but he’s going to pull through,” she said, sounding exhausted.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. You saved him.” She squeezed my hand tighter.

I looked at him from where I sat. He looked older somehow. So many thoughts ran through my mind as I sat there, then I realized I really had missed him all those years. We had so much history and it hurt when he wasn’t there anymore.

His mom started asking me questions about my life and my family, mostly to keep her occupied on something else, and it felt good to catch up with her, but we were both interrupted from our conversation when a cracked voice said my nickname.

“Eggy?”

25

Logan’s eyes were half open and locked on me. I got up and went to his side, taking his hand. I realized in that moment that I didn’t want to lose him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“Shhh. You don’t need to be sorry. You just need to get better.” I squeezed his hand when I said it. “I’m going to come see you as soon as you get home.”

His mom joined my side. “Yes, we plan to have Eggy around a lot more,” she said as she smiled at me. What she said brought my mind back to the fact that I was leaving soon, but I pushed the thought aside for the moment.

“I better get going.” I hugged his mom and made a promise to stop by their home in the next few days. Jake stood when he saw me walk out of the room.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“I’m fine. I just hope he’ll be fine too.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze as we walked out.

I felt a little sick at the sight of all the blood in my car. I knew I needed to take care of it right away, but not today. I needed to go home, avoid my parents, and get some rest. Jake and I made plans to meet up the next day, but first I had to get a new phone.

I got up early and dropped my car off at the carwash, asking them to do all they could for a girl on a budget. Luckily, the mall was less than a mile away. I made the short walk over and found my way to the cell phone place. I browsed at what was available as I waited to be helped. That’s when I bumped into Blaine. “Great,” I accidentally mumbled out loud.

“Excuse me?” she asked sarcastically.

“Nothing.” I turned around, ready to walk away, but she stopped me.

“How is he,” she asked without looking at me.

“How much do you know?”

“Everything. His mom called me. Look....” she had a hard time trying to say whatever came next. “Thank you- for saving him.”

I smiled at her. It wasn’t the kind of “thank you” that you respond to with a “you’re welcome.”

“So,” she said in a way that told me she was trying to lighten the mood. “What are you shopping for?”

“Funny story...” I told her about my phone being tossed into a stream and we both laughed a little.

“It probably pained him to do it. He loves his technology.” We both laughed again. We were being civil and that was shocking. “Hey, I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you.” Her serious tone was back. “He always talked about you. I didn’t know about the history.”

That’s when I decided I would keep the part about him telling me he loved me to myself. He wasn’t right in the head when he said that, and that was something they needed to work out for themselves.

Jake and I met when I was done and stuffed ourselves with pancakes. Even though neither of us brought it up, the offer from Mark and Betsy was at the back of my mind nagging to be concentrated on. I silently told myself I could do that when I got home.

We spent the rest of Spring Break attached at the hip, and the thought of going back to school on Monday wasn’t so bad because I knew Jake would be by my side.

We walked into school hand in hand, but something felt wrong. Logan was missing and it was hard to ignore the weird feeling it gave me. Blaine caught my eye as soon as I walked in and gave me a half smile and a wave. We were both thinking about the same thing and I was sure it would make today hard for her.

My parents spent the week trying to make themselves more “present” in my life. They skipped over all of the niceness and went straight to authoritativeness. This was hard for me to swallow because the image of my dad trying to kill himself was never far from my mind. This brought about another serious talk with Betsy and Mark as I was closing the coffee shop one day.

“Look, we don’t know if you’re safe. Obviously, we don’t know your parent’s side of things, but based on what you tell us, the situation does not sound like a healthy one.” I could tell these words were hard for Betsy to say, but from the way she had acted nervous all week, I was glad she finally did. And I feared she was right.

“I don’t really see what choice I have if they refuse, and since they are pretending to be parents of the year, that’s exactly what they’ll do.”

“Do you think it would help if we spoke with them?” Mark offered.

“I don’t think so. They’re so private. I’m just going to let some time pass, and try to keep the peace. I’ll find the right moment to bring it up,” I promised, and I hoped the right moment would come soon.

26

The next few weeks flew as our school year began to wind down. Teachers made every effort to cram any last bit of knowledge down our throats before they let us loose for summer. We also had finals to prepare for, and I needed to do well to keep on my scholarship track. Jake respected my study time, and being at home with my books kept my parents off of my back.

Nothing weird had happened with them, but I could not get used to the sight of my parents at the dinner table, or seeing my mom dressed in the morning, instead of sitting at the table in her robe looking half dead.

Part of me wondered if I was being selfish. I asked myself if I should be giving them a chance to change, but the other part of me still agreed with Betsy. We didn’t know if they were safe to be with. The fact that they had been so mentally unstable bothered me, and I didn’t think my dad’s current therapy could transform him so fast.

Jake and I had plans to spend some time together over the weekend, and I planned to talk to him about it. He’d be honest and not just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. Even though the thought of us being apart was too painful to even think about, he didn’t expect my decision to be based on him. He also knew that just because Mark and Betsy offered, it didn’t mean that could automatically happen. We were realistic and prepared for the worst.

My phone rang as soon as the sun was up on Saturday morning. I smiled when my caller i.d. told me it was Jake.

“Good morning,” I said in a sleepy voice.

“You sound kind of delicious when you first wake up.”

I could feel the color rise into my cheeks. “You always sound delicious.”

“How long are you going to make me wait to see you?”

“Hmmm...that depends. Do you feel like making a boring stop at the book store or should we meet after?”

“After. I have some stuff to get done too.”

“I’ll text you as soon as I’m done. I love you.”

“Love you more,” he said, hanging up before I had a chance to argue.

I got myself dressed and headed downstairs where the unfamiliar sight of my parents eating breakfast and reading the newspaper was taking place.

“Morning sweetie,” my mom said in a cheerful voice that seemed forced.

“Hi mom, hi dad.”

“Get yourself some eggs. They’re on the stove. You can sit and eat with us.”

As much as that sounded like the worst idea in the world, I knew I needed to make an effort, so I filled up my plate and sat at the table. My dad was engrossed in an article in the politics section of the paper, but he handed me a napkin.

“Thanks.” I shoveled bites into my mouth, but then slowed my pace, remembering that rushing was a bad idea.

“So what do you have planned today?” My mom asked.

“I’m going to do some studying, and I have to pick a few things up from the bookstore.” I left Jake’s name out of my plans. “I need to ace my finals if I want to stay on track for my scholarship potential.” They both just nodded awkwardly to what I had said. I thanked my mom for breakfast and made my way out without any protest from either of them.

Parker gave me a hard time the minute I walked into the bookstore. “Oh, how nice. You’re alive,” he teased.

“Yes. I am. Don’t act so disappointed.”

“Too busy for books these days?”

“Too busy for everything, but I’m here to make up for that.”

“Well, by the looks of what you ordered online, you’ll be pretty busy,” he said as he put my stack of books on the counter. I paid and thanked him, then found a quiet spot to do some studying. It wasn’t long before my phone was buzzing. It was a text from Jake.

How much will you hate me if I have to cancel?

Since you have never canceled, I’ll let you off the hook. Everything ok?

I was glad he couldn’t see the disappointed look on my face.

Yep, but something came up.

Okay. Talk soon. <3

Yep <3

I stared at my phone screen like it would reveal the answer to the mystery in my head. Jake never flaked, and was never vague. I was puzzled, but figured he had his reasons. Now that my day was open I decided to do some shopping, and after that I’d go home early and make my parents happy.

27

I had a lot of luck at sales, and was able to stock my wardrobe with warmer weather clothes, since I had been hiding behind layers of coats and jackets for months. I spent a few hours at home then decided it would be a good night to visit Logan. He hadn’t been back to school yet, but he had been home for a few weeks. I sent him a text to make sure it was ok, and he replied that he’d love to see me. I found a cute sundress with a pink floral pattern all over it. It came just above my knee, making me feel kind of bare, but I was getting used to wearing new things. I pulled on a jean jacket and some ballerina flats and headed out.

His parents greeted me at the door, and his mom pulled me into a warm hug. I could see the painting of the hydrangeas from over her shoulder and it made me smile. “You look lovely, Eggy.” I blushed at the compliment.

“She sure does,” I heard Logan say. He was leaning against the wall in the entryway, staring at me.

“Thank you.” I smiled as I said it.

“It’s beautiful out. Why don’t you two sit on the back porch? I’ll get you something to drink,” his mom insisted. We both took a seat on the swinging bench, sitting in silence for a long moment.

“I’m glad you came over. I wasn’t sure if you’d ever talk to me again,” he said as he looked out at the night sky.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to stop me. Has it ever been that bad for you?”

“Plenty of times, but my escape was never death. Leaving town, or forgetting my past, but not death.”

“I know what a horrible mistake it would have been. I know that now.”

“I’m glad. I’m not ready for you to be gone.” He looked at me and smiled after I said it.

We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I filled him in on what little gossip I knew about at school, and he told me how his parents had come to terms with what he wanted for his future.

“I should probably get home. Gotta keep the peace over there.”

“Right. Maybe I can see you again soon?”

“Absolutely,” I promised. His mom gave me a kiss on the cheek before I left, making me agree to have dinner there soon. It was hard not to think about how thankful I was to have his family back in my life, and how sad I would be if I had to leave them behind.

The next morning I expected to see a text or call from Jake, but there was nothing. I almost called him, but decided to let him do whatever he was doing. He’d call when he was free. My phone did ring a few seconds later, but I was let down when I saw that it wasn’t him. It was Logan.

“Are you free for breakfast? I have cabin fever.”

I glanced at the clock. It was almost ten and I was starving. “Sure. I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

He was waiting outside when I got to his house. “I’m famished and I want donuts.”

I nodded. I had my instructions and headed in the direction of Sugar Mama’s bakery. We ordered an obscene amount of chocolate donuts and found a nice table to devour them at.

“So you’re still a chocolate sprinkles kinda girl, huh?” He motioned to my donut as I was about to take a bite.

“What? How can you go wrong with chocolate frosting and sprinkles?”

“Cake. Chocolate frosted cake all the way. You don’t know what you’re missing.” He pulled a little piece off and tried to get me to taste it.

“No thank you. I don’t want anything to take away from the sprinkles.”

The next thing I knew, the bite was being forced into my mouth and I almost choked from laughing so hard. We both had to stop eating to catch our breath. The person behind the counter looked at us suspiciously, probably wondering if we had had more than a sugar high.

“It’s good to have you back in my life,” he said, turning the mood to a more serious one.

“Ditto.”

“So? Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

“I don’t actually know.” I checked my phone to see if he called, but there was nothing. I had to fight the urge to call and check on him.

“Well, I should probably get home before my parents send out a search party.”

“Good idea.”

As we got buckled in I saw a jeep that looked familiar, sitting in front of a shop across the street. It was Jake’s. He was parked in front of a small cafe’ I had never been to. A second later he walked out and a girl followed just a few paces behind him. She was a tall, platinum blonde with shorts on that accentuated her long, slender legs. Most of her mid drift was exposed by her lacy crop top and her eyes were covered in oversized, black sunglasses. I had never seen her before.

He seemed annoyed as he walked ahead of her, then she grabbed him by the sleeve, pulling him back in her direction. He turned to her and she looked like she was pouting with her arms crossed over her chest. He ran his fingers through his hair- something he did when he was frustrated or thinking. Then she pulled him by the shirt and did something that made my heart drop to the floor. She kissed him and it was a familiar kiss. She knew just the right angle and tilt of the head. She knew his lips like I knew his lips.

“Is that Jake?” I jumped when Logan spoke. I had been lost for a moment, and now that I was processing what I just saw, I knew I would be sick.

“I need to get out of here,” I said as I fumbled with my keys.

“Switch sides with me. I don’t think you should drive.” I glanced down at my shaking hands and knew he was right. I got out in a daze just as Jake tuned around. I looked in his direction long enough to see shock spread across his face. I was embarrassed, but I didn’t know why. I could feel tears welling up, and the lump in my throat was getting bigger and bigger. Logan managed to speed away just as Jake yelled my name.

The realization of seeing my boyfriend kiss another girl sank in like little needles all over my skin, and it wasn’t long before I was a sobbing mess in the passenger seat. “I can’t believe he’d do this to me,” I cried into my hands. Logan parked in front of his house and put a comforting arm around me.

“Maybe it wasn’t what it looked like.”

I looked up from my hands to give him the meanest look I had. “Seriously?” I said in a broken voice.

“Right. It was pretty clear. I’m really sorry you had to see that. Maybe it’s better you did, rather than him doing that behind your back.”

“I’m not ready to be rational.”

“Sorry. I’m no good at this,” he apologized. My phone had been buzzing the whole drive, no doubt from Jake. Logan looked at my phone then back up at me. “Maybe you should answer that.” I shook my head no then he surprised me by answering it for me.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

I could hear Jake on the other end. “Stay out of it. This is between Megan and me.”

“Oh, you mean between Megan, you, and the blonde you were all over a little while ago?” Logan corrected sarcastically.

“Tell her I need to explain.” Jake sounded angry.

“What we saw was pretty self explanatory.” The line went dead after that. I promised Logan that I would be fine getting home and apologized for him having to witness me at my worst. To which he only responded with a sarcastic “really?”.

Jake was in front of my house, leaning against his Jeep when I got home. “Megan, please let me explain,” he begged as I walked past. I took a deep breath then turned to him.

“I’m going to save you the trouble,” I said as calmly as I could. “You’re off the hook. I come with too many complications and she’s probably less maintenance. She can have you.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply. I left him speechless as I walked into my house. He’d at least made the decision to move away an easier one.

28

I was alone again. I had at least pleased my parents over the next few days. I was home at lot more, and I felt too defeated to argue much, so that seemed to make them happy. Jake had attempted to talk to me for the first few days, but got the hint when I pretended not to see him, and he finally backed off.

Part of me wondered if I should give him a chance to explain, but a flash of what I saw would play in my mind, and I knew there was nothing to be explained. Apparently he hadn’t told his best friend why we weren’t together.

“Megan, what the hell happened?” Lance had cornered me at my locker at the end of the day, and I could see there would be no getting away from him easily.

“Hey, take it easy. This was all him,” I said defensively.

“All him? What does that mean?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed in frustration. “Look, whatever. It’s over and I’m leaving, so there’s no point in talking about it. He found someone more convenient.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“He hasn’t introduced you to his new, leggy, blonde bombshell yet?”

Lance closed his eyes and groaned. “Samantha.”

“Oh, so you have met? Samantha. She looks like a Samantha,” I said sarcastically.

“She’s the devil. She broke Jake’s heart a couple of years ago, and she’s been living out of state with her dad. I didn’t know she was back.”

“Whatever. I don’t care. Apparently she’s back so I’m out of the picture.”

“You don’t understand. You should at least talk to him.”

Now I was getting pissed. “What is there to understand? He flaked on me, and I found him with another girl. It’s pretty black and white. You know what? It doesn’t even matter. He just made me leaving that much easier.”

“So you’re going?” I heard his voice, quiet but tense from somewhere behind me and had no idea of how long he had been standing there. I glared at him, still heated from my exchange with Lance.

“Yes. I don’t have anything keeping me here.” He winced as if the words physically hurt. I saw Lance back away to leave us alone.

“And that’s it? You’re not even going to give me a chance to explain?” I could see his jaw tighten. I looked around to see that the halls were almost empty. “Look at me,” he commanded quietly.

“Explain what? You kissed her.” I felt my voice crack, and crying in front of him was the last thing I wanted to do.

“She kissed me,” he corrected. “I shouldn’t have met her there. It was a mistake.”

My tears were betraying me. I was hurt and embarrassed and wanted to be far away from him and in his arms all at the same time.

“I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” he yelled, and his fist hit the locker, making the halls echo with a metallic crash. I couldn’t stand there and watch so I ran. Even though he yelled after me, I kept running until I was in my car and as far away as possible.

We didn’t speak again after that. Every time I would glance up at him during class, or pass him in the halls, his eyes were on me. I was haunting him, and he was haunting me and the only thing that would make this better would be the distance between us.

The weeks before the end of the school year flew. I had been so busy with finals, and working to make as much extra cash as possible that I would forget that we were leaving soon. I tried to stay as occupied as possible, because if I had any free time my mind would wander to Jake, and the hurt of missing him was too much. Even after what I saw, a huge chunk of me ached for him.

As soon as I stepped into the door at home I was reminded of our upcoming departure. Boxes lined the halls of our home and we had been eating sandwiches and cereal out of paper plates and bowls since most of our kitchen was packed up.

Something odd had happened during our packing up process. We’d come across something that would remind us of a memory- good or bad- and we’d either laugh or cry together as we processed it. I had always assumed it was too late for my family to heal, but I was starting to see that I was wrong. My parents were still unstable and out of touch with me, but we were taking baby steps towards a relationship of some sort.

The other unexpected change was my relationship with Logan. By some miracle, he was my friend again. My friend that I remembered from my childhood. He still hadn’t been back at school, even though his therapist said it would be best for him to get back to a regular life, but he had enrolled in online high school and promised himself that he’d go back next year. We’d meet a couple of times a week and lately our visits would include him belly aching about my move.

He surprised me during one of the last shifts I had at the coffee shop. He walked in wearing the smile I knew from our childhood. I was happy for the distraction. It was too quiet and my mind was wandering to things I didn’t want to think about.

“Where are the bosses?” he asked as he flopped on the sofa.

“They have the night off. What they said was ‘we can’t look at your face without falling apart’ to be exact, so they left me alone.” He just grinned at my mocking of Mark and Betsy.

The shop was pretty dead so I made us both a frothy caramel latte and joined him on the sofa.

“Don’t leave, Eggy,” he whined in a goofy voice.

“I have to. I think I have to give them a chance. Besides, every time I turn a corner I think I see Jake. Everything about him haunts me and it hurts.

“Well, maybe you really are seeing him,” he said as he motioned to the shop door. Jake stood just inside of it with his hands in his pockets. “Want me to get rid of him?” I shook my head no.

“I have this,” I said as I got up to confront him.

29

I approached with my arms crossed tight over my chest. I couldn’t really look at him without feeling like I needed air. “You really shouldn’t....,” I started, but he cut me off right away.

“Let me talk.” I could tell he was trying to be patient as the muscles in his jaw clenched tight. “I gave you a chance to explain when you broke my heart. Now you need to give me that same courtesy.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Same courtesy? I was trying to avoid hurting you. What you did was ruthless.” I didn’t realize I was shouting until the few people in the shop grew silent.

“Samantha is my ex-girlfriend,” he started, not giving me a chance to refuse his story. “She went to East High, so we never saw each other. I tried to break up with her numerous times, but she was pretty messed up. She was addicted to pills and constantly using me for money and rides. I finally had the balls to break up with her just before her mom sent her to rehab and back to her dad after that. Even when I was with her I could never give her my heart because someone else held it. You,” he said in a voice that ached. I still couldn’t look at him, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be hearing what he was saying.

“She called me out of the blue the other day. Her dad sent her back. I wanted to tell her in person that she needed to stay out of my life. She was toxic and still is. She tried to change my mind and that kiss was a desperate attempt to remind me of something she thought we had, but the truth is that we never had anything. My heart has belonged to you since I first saw you in seventh grade. Yes, I had girlfriends, and yes, I had other crushes, but only because I never thought I stood a chance with you. You were always the only one for me. I couldn’t let you leave thinking the worst about me. At least I know I tried.”

He turned and walked out before I could say a word. I had always been the quiet one, but this left me beyond speechless. I stared out after him, forgetting that Logan was behind me and had seen the whole thing. When I turned around he was trying to be nonchalant, like he hadn’t been paying attention. I flopped down on the couch next to him and hid my face with my arm.

“That was pretty brutal,” he finally said.

“Yeah, it felt pretty brutal.”

“I have to admit though- that took balls.”

“You’re not helping,” I said as I glared at him.

“Probably not, but I know what it’s like being in love with you.” I looked at him like he was crazy. “Stop worrying. My therapist said I’m only allowed to be in a relationship with myself.” He stood up and pulled me up with him, hugging me goodbye before he took off.

I thought about what Jake had said as I closed up the shop that night. It didn’t take the image of him and Samantha away from my mind, and the deepest part of me knew he was telling the truth, but it was too late for that. My things were packed, moving trucks would be coming soon, and I had an airline ticket to the east coast, but actually leaving felt surreal.

My final weekend in Flagstaff had arrived. Mark and Betsy had insisted on throwing me a tiny going away party. The only people on the guest list were Logan and Parker, and a few coffee shop regulars. I made myself smile, but unfinished business nagged at the back of my head. Jake. I couldn’t stop wishing he was with me during my last few days in town, but I knew it was better this way. Better that it ended and we could both move on with our lives.

After many tearful hugs from Mark and Betsy and a melancholy high five from Parker, I headed out with Logan by my side.

“Shit, this sucks,” he admitted with his hands deep in his pockets.

“Eggy, promise me we won’t fade from each other’s lives again.”

“I promise.”

“Good, cause I just got you back.” He wrapped his arms around me and smothered me in a hug that felt like home. “Okay, I can’t look at your face anymore. Go. Go!” he teased, but I knew exactly how he felt.

I didn’t want to be home- not just yet. It wasn’t quite dark yet, so I made a pit stop.

The pit of my stomach was in knots as I approached his stone. The rational side of me knew he wasn’t really in there, but it hurt to think I would leave his spot behind. Tears had already welled up in my eyes as I knelt to clean off his stone.

“So this is weird. I’m finally leaving and I don’t want to. After all that bitching and moaning, I don’t want to go. Careful what you wish for, right? God, I can almost hear you mocking me.”

I flopped on the ground and leaned against the cold marble. It was peaceful here, and I wanted to take it all in. I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I could come back. I closed my eyes and took in the scent of the fresh cut grass and tall pines that surrounded me. People came to mourn here every day. I would remember this place as my escape.

An image of Jake popped into my mind, and for a second I let myself indulge. I remembered the way it felt when he would hug me, and how I fit so perfectly under his chin. I half expected to find him standing there when I opened my eyes, but I was still alone.

I didn’t even try to sleep that night. The sight of my phone nagged at me, and I talked myself out of calling Jake about a million times. At some point, my parents started to argue, and everything felt oddly normal with the sound of that happening. As I stared up at my ceiling, I tried to list off the ways the move would be good.

Fresh Start

Possible new friends (probably not)

Close places to travel

It was only for a year

The sound of my phone made me jump, causing me to almost fall off of my bed. His name was on my screen. Why was Jake calling me? I wanted to answer, but I didn’t. To my surprise he left a voicemail, and I didn’t see the harm in listening to it.

“I knew you wouldn’t answer so I called to hear your voicemail greeting. I just needed to hear you.”

I had been wrong about a voicemail not being harmful. I put my face in my pillow and let out tears that had been building up for days and days. They were Jake tears. Not tears about the move, or missing my hometown. Just Jake tears.

30

My parents were still arguing when I made my way downstairs the next day.

“I can’t leave him behind,” I heard my mom whispering in hushed desperation.

“This is what we need. This is what I need.”

“It’s always about what you need,” she bit back, but they both fell silent when I walked into the room. No one was going to ask me what I wanted, and I had made some sort of peace with that.

I spent my day watching movers load our belongings into a truck that would arrive a week after us. A separate trailer would be picking up our cars and I hoped it would arrive to our new town soon, so that I would have a way to escape. Luckily, most of my other belongings fit into the two suitcases I was allowed to take on the plane.

I heard the doorbell ring and my dad yelled for me to get it. I opened it, expecting to see a mover or the car trailer driver, but my breath caught when I saw who it was.

He didn’t give me a chance to react. Instead he took the small step that separated us and held my face in his hands, giving me no time to speak. His lips pressed against mine, claiming them as he kissed me like only he could. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, urging him on.

We were both a little out of breath when he pulled away, but he tried to hide his face from me, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. He was crying, and it broke me.

“I needed you to know...I just had to make sure you knew,” he started, in a broken whisper.

I put my hands on his face and made him look at me.

“I love you more than anything. More than I even knew I was capable of. I couldn’t let you leave without making you understand.”

“I understand,” I whispered. Now my own tears trailed down my cheeks as he looked at me. “I love you too.”

He wiped away a tear and kissed my lips softly- the kind of kiss that had our lips clinging together even after he pulled back. “Please don’t go,” he groaned with a half laugh.

I rubbed my fingers along his cheekbone. “Mom, Dad?” I yelled to the house behind me. Both of my parents appeared behind me and my dad took on a defensive stance when he saw Jake in the doorway.

“Say your goodbyes. We’re leaving soon,” he reminded me.

I took a gulp of bravery and laced my fingers in Jake’s. “I’m not going,” I said a little too quietly.

My dad’s shocked expression intimidated me. “Excuse me?” he asked, rhetorically.

“I said I’m not going.” This time I had found my voice. I glanced at Jake and he was watching me with a stunned look on his face.

“He’s just a boyfriend. You’ll go through plenty in your lifetime. You’re coming with us, and soon. Now stop being so childish,” my dad insisted.

“No! Just listen to me. This isn’t just about Jake. I do love him,” I said as I gave his hand a little squeeze. “But this is about my life. I have been working my butt off to achieve my goals and I don’t want to throw any of that away.”

“It’s not that easy. Where will you live? How will you provide for yourself?” My mom looked on as my dad threw these questions at me. I gave myself a moment to form what I needed to say.

“I’m sorry that Noah’s death destroyed our world, but I have been making it on my own for a long, long time. I have a job, I have people who care about me, I am inches away from a full scholarship, and I don’t deserve to have all of that taken away because you two have decided to be parents after all this time.”

My dad opened his mouth to argue, but my mom stopped him. “She’s right.” My dad looked at her like she had lost her mind. “She deserves to make her life, and I won’t stop her. We won’t stop her. Somehow she has managed to blossom, despite our dysfunction...like some miracle. I just wish I could claim some responsibility for how well you’ve turned out.”

I stood, too stunned to speak and holding on to Jake to keep me from falling over. She didn’t stop there. “This whole process of packing up and leaving...it’s a way to heal, but you don’t need that healing. I can see that now. You have found everything you need, and the right people have come into your life at the right times, and I know now that I should be thankful, and also very ashamed.”

“Mom, don’t. You don’t have to say that. I’m sorry.” I felt terrible for my earlier rant.

“Megan, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’ll change my flight and make sure you get situated, but this doesn’t mean we’ll not work on being a family.” Then she did something she hadn’t done in years. She hugged me and I could feel the heavy armor I had built up crumble. We stood like that for what seemed like hours, and then she stepped away to make her travel changes.

31

Jake headed home to give me some time with my parents. I said my goodbyes to my dad, who seemed too stunned to put up any sort of fight about me staying, and then I called Mark and Betsy.

“You just can’t live without us,” Betsy teased when she answered her phone.

“Apparently not, so can I live with you?”

“Hold on. Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

“Uh huh.”

“I had the room done just in case,” she said just before the let out an excited squeal. I heard her call Mark over, then she told him the news.

My mom spoke face to face with them and made arrangements to send an allowance to help with anything I might need. I could tell it wasn’t her proudest moment, but she knew what she was doing was right. She told me to keep my plane ticket and that I could use it trade for a roundtrip fare so that I could visit in the middle of the summer.

When all of the dramatics of the goodbyes were over, I finally saw where I would be living for the next however long. I expected to follow Mark and Betsy to the back of the house where all of the bedrooms were, but instead I got a huge surprise. Mark opened the door to the basement, motioning his head for me to go down there.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I expected to see something dark and dingy, but I was hit with bright, aqua painted walls and a yellow couch with a rainbow of colored pillows spread across it. A flat screen television caught the corner of my eye, but I was too focused on how light the room was.

“Do you like it?” Betsy asked anxiously.

“I love this room. Is this where you guys hang out?”

“No sweetie. This is yours. You’ll find the bedroom and bathroom around the corner.” She pointed in the direction and I went that way. I opened a frosted glass door and found another bright room painted the same aqua. In the center was a huge bed with gray and white chevron patterned linens on it. The room had everything I would need.

“This is too much. I can’t believe it.”

“So you like it?” she asked again.

“I love it. Please tell me you didn’t do this just for me?”

“We have been meaning to get this space re-done, and this was the perfect excuse to do it,” Mark answered. “Now, put your bags away and we’ll go upstairs and have a chat. You might want to call Jake. He should be here too.” I wrinkled my brow with curiosity, but did as I was told. Thirty minutes later Jake was there, along with a pizza delivery boy who brought us our dinner.

As we sat around the dinner table, Mark and Betsy explained exactly what their expectations were, and it was everything a parent would expect. I wasn’t suddenly made an adult without limitations or rules and that was comforting.

Jake excused himself before he over-stayed his visit and I walked him to his car. He pulled me into a hug and we stood there like that for a long while, not saying anything at all.

“So this is really happening? You’re not leaving?” he whispered into my hair. I shook my head no then he lifted my chin and softly pressed his lips to mine. “And we really have all summer to be together?” I nodded yes against his lips, and this time he kissed me harder, pulling me in just a little tighter.

That night I slept like a baby, like I should have been sleeping for years. I woke up earlier than anyone else and made sure the dishes were in the dishwasher and that the house looked tidy. When Betsy came out of her room she smiled. “I could get used to this,” she teased, ruffling my hair as she walked to the fridge.

“When do you want me to come back to work?” I asked.

“Take the week, kiddo. Hang out with that awesome boyfriend and get settled.”

“Thank you so much.”

“So was it weird? Sleeping in a strange house and stuff?”

“No, in fact, it was almost too perfect. I don’t know what to do with all of this energy I have from getting a full night’s sleep!”

“Well, I could use your help with something,” she admitted.

A few minutes later we were both in the back yard pulling weeds out of a planter box that would become a garden after a trip to the home store. Mark came out to see what we were doing and as Betsy filled him in I found myself reflecting a little.

I was lucky to be here with these people in my life. I felt like I had finally found where I belonged and for once the burden of life was off of my shoulders.

The summer was exactly as it should have been. I worked a lot at the shop, and even though I insisted they didn’t pay me because a roof over my head was plenty, they still handed me a paycheck every week. Betsy and I had huge success with our garden and we had to come up with creative ways to use all of the tomatoes and zucchini we grew.

I saw plenty of Logan. His parents insisted I come over at least once a week for dinner. I had slowly been filling them in on everything that happened with my parents. “I feel terrible that we never knew,” his mom said as we ate her amazing peach cobbler.

“It’s okay. Everything is good now,” I assured her. I caught Logan watching me out of the corner of my eye. He hadn’t taken a bite and was absentmindedly playing with the food on his plate.

“What was that all about back there,” I asked as we sat on his front porch after dinner.

“What was what all about?”

“You didn’t really eat, and I can tell something is on your mind. I want to make sure...” he cute me off before I could finish.

“What? Make sure I’m not going to off myself?” he asked bitterly. I put a hand on his to calm him down.

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“You don’t have to say it. You’re thinking it. Everyone is thinking it, like I’m some sort of bomb that’ll explode when you least expect it.

“You’re wrong. I never think that about you. Yeah, I worry because I care. But I know you have come a very long way and you’re better.”

He eyed me skeptically and shook his head. “I can’t go back to school. Everyone will be thinking about it.”

“Maybe. Maybe at first, but then some other high school drama will come and you’ll be old news.”

He smiled a little at this. “Will you...I mean, will Jake care if I’m around you guys.”

“No. He’s one of the most understanding people I know.”

“That sounds like what a girlfriend would say. I’d kick my ass if the tables were turned.”

“I think you’d surprise yourself,” I said and then hugged him goodnight.

32

Jake held my hand as we waited for my plane to board. My parents had talked me into visiting them in the middle of the summer, and although I was hesitant, I turned in my ticket for a new one. The only problem was that the new ticket had an over night lay over and I was nervous about being in a strange city on my own.

My knees were shaking as the minutes grew closer. Jake pulled me close to calm me down. I was nervous about everything- being away from him, leaving my new home, and seeing how my parents were doing. They seemed good. I had to believe that they were.

We both stood when they called my flight to board. “Let me walk you up there,” he said, taking my backpack for me.

“I’m going to miss you for the next two weeks,” I pouted.

“I’ll miss you too, but you don’t have to miss me until tomorrow.” He pulled out a boarding pass and handed it to the attendant.

“I’m confused.”

“What? Did you really think I would let you stay in a strange hotel room by yourself?”

“What about your stuff?”

“I stuffed a change in your backpack when you weren’t looking,” he said with a wink then he kissed my cheek. I lifted my pack by the handle, and it really did feel a little heavier. The realization that I would have Jake all to myself for the next twenty four hours started to sink in, and the grin across my face had people staring at me.

We found our seats, his right by my side, and held hands as we took off. The flight was bumpy and I was thankful that I had him there to keep me from totally freaking out.

Once we arrived at our layover, we took the airport tram to the hotel I had reserved, but Jake had tampered with that too. I stepped into a room filled with daisies of every color, and a basket of chocolate covered strawberries sitting on the bed.

“What have you done?” I asked in shock.

“Mark keeps you on a tight leash. I want you all to myself, and I want you to know how special you are to me.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his warm lips to mine, parting them with my own, and deepening the kiss even more. His hands traveled up and down my back, finally making their way under the fabric of my shirt, and that’s when I pulled away and stopped him.

“Jake, I don’t...” he put his finger to my mouth to stop me from talking.

“I’m not expecting that, Meg. I just want to be close to you without all of that interfering,” he said, motioning to the window and the world outside of it. “I’d never pressure you into something you’re not ready for, and maybe I’m not ready either.”

I smiled as I brought his lips back to mine. “I’m such a lucky girl,” I whispered against his mouth.

“We’re both pretty lucky.” And we were. This was our world now, and I knew nothing could tear that apart.

Copyright © 2015 by Talie D. Hawkins
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